Download Doctor Who Wild Blue Yonder

[Maarit Hibbits]

MERRIDEW: Ah! 'Tis a glorious day, sir.
NEWTON: England at its finest. I think I shall hie me to yonder apple tree, there to contemplate the mysteries of God's universe.
MERRIDEW: Well, don't come back until you've had a very good idea, sir.
NEWTON: I shan't. Good day, Mrs Merridew. [Orchard](Sitting under a tree, writing in a notebook with a quill - where is the inkwell? - when an apple drops, hitting him.)
NEWTON: Ow! Of course.
(The Tardis whooshes overhead, sending all the apples dropping from the tree.)
NEWTON: Odsbodkins. What the devil?
(The Tardis is parked on top of the tree.)
DOCTOR: Oh! Sorry. We're just slightly out of control. My friend Donna... This is Donna, Donna Noble.
DONNA: Hi!
DOCTOR: She just dropped some coffee into the console.
DONNA: But don't worry, he's got a time machine, which means he can blame me for all eternity.
DOCTOR: I just need to triangulate. Could you tell me what year this is?
NEWTON: It's 1666.
DOCTOR: Oh! Stay away from London. Wait a minute. Apple tree, apple, man holding an apple in 1666? Are you...Sir Isaac Newton?
NEWTON: Sir Isaac?
DOCTOR: Oh! Not yet. Spoilers.
DONNA: Have you got the controls set to "famous", or what?
DOCTOR: If I had controls, thank you.
DONNA: But it's got to be said, Mister Isaac Newton, that you above all others can appreciate...
DOCTOR: Oh no, don't.
DONNA: You can appreciate...
DOCTOR: Really, really don't.
DONNA: Oh, come on! You can appreciate...
BOTH: The gravity of the situation.
(Bang inside the Tardis.)
DONNA: Oh!
DOCTOR: Sorry, got to go. Bye!
(The Tardis flies off again.)
NEWTON: What was that delightful word? Savity... Havity... Mavity!
(Utter balderdash. Newton merely added a new definition to the existing word gravity - which already meant tending towards the centre of the Earth. He did not make it up.)[Compartment](The Tardis whooshes into a metal compartment. Donna comes out.)
DONNA: I have never, ever...
DOCTOR: Out of the way!
(A huge gout of flame comes out of the Tardis. The military march 'Wide - or Wild- Blue Yonder' is playing, then stops as the flames die out and the Tardis door closes.)
DONNA: Is it...? Is it all right? Is it broken? Is it knackered?
DOCTOR: Er...
(He opens the door. The Cloister Bell is tolling. He shuts it again, a wisp of smoke escaping.)
DOCTOR: Oh...
DONNA: Is it bad?
DOCTOR: Oh. It was brand-new.
DONNA: Sorry.
DOCTOR: Not your fault.
DONNA: Yes, it was. But can we fly? Can you fix it? Can we get back home?
DOCTOR: We can do anything! Sonic screwdriver. And a non-sonic screwdriver.
DONNA: I think a non-sonic screwdriver is called a screwdriver.
DOCTOR: Thank you. But if I can just... reconfigure... This old box can regenerate itself if I can just click it into gear.
DONNA: Am I going mad, or did the Tardis play Wide Blue Yonder?
DOCTOR: Yeah, it did, didn't it?
DONNA: What for?
DOCTOR: I wonder.
DONNA: We sang that in the choir in primary school. We'd have a little concert every Christmas. But Gramps complained. He said, "You shouldn't be teaching children that. It sounds all jaunty and fun but it's not. It's the military going to war."DOCTOR: Yeah, it's the Air Force. The words are Wild Blue Yonder, which means the Tardis played us a war song. There! Now... it can rebuild.
(The sonic screwdriver is in the lock.)
DOCTOR: Oh. Okay? Yes?
DONNA: Is it working?
DOCTOR: I think so. That's strange. (The blue light comes on.) There you go! Mending, mending, mending. Give it a bit of time. So, now, I wonder where we are. Feels like... a spaceship? Yeah?
DONNA: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Flight.
DONNA: Spaceship.
DOCTOR: Let's just see.[Spaceship](A long straight walkway through a space with rounded walls. Plenty of hydraulic struts and bits of R2D2 along the side, and triangular pattern on the floor. There is a tiny dot in the distance.)
DOCTOR: Wow! Nice!
DONNA: Big.
DOCTOR: Very big.
DONNA: I'd hate to be the cleaner.
DOCTOR: Look. Hello! We just landed. By accident. I hope that's okay.
DONNA: Is it a person or a thing?
DOCTOR: We could take a look.
DONNA: Or we could stay here, wait for the Tardis to mend itself so I can get back home. My family is waiting for me. Yeah, all right.
DOCTOR: Yeah.
DONNA: Still, wherever we are, could be worse. We've got air, we've got light, we've got mavity.
DOCTOR: Yeah.
(They are being watched as they walk along.)
DONNA: Was it me, or was Isaac Newton hot?
DOCTOR: He was, wasn't he? He was so hot. Oh! Is that who I am now?
DONNA: Well, it was never that far from the surface, mate. I always thought...
(The Tardis engines start up, they run back.)[Compartment](The Tardis dematerialises.)
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
DONNA: What? You can get it back, though. Doctor, you can get it back. Doctor, you can get the Tardis back, can't you? Use the sonic.
DOCTOR: It was in the keyhole.
DONNA: But...you can whistle. You could snap your fingers. You could summon it. Just use that stupid head of yours and get it back. Oh, don't you look at me like that. It's your fault. I said, let's stay here, but you had to wander off.
DOCTOR: You wandered with me!
DONNA: Oh, like I could stop you!
DOCTOR: You spilt the coff... No.
DONNA: No.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry.
DONNA: No. Okay, fine. Oh, my God, where are we? Rose is waiting.
DOCTOR: I will get you home.
DONNA: How?
DOCTOR: There is one hope. A mechanism on board the Tardis called the HADS. Hostile Action Displacement System. If the Tardis is in danger, it goes away.
DONNA: Goes where?
DOCTOR: Anywhere. And it only comes back once the danger is gone. I turned it off years ago. I mean, I'd never land anywhere. Once spent three years in orbit, I thought, oh, hmm, turn off the HADS. But if the Tardis is rebuilding itself, maybe it clicked back on.
DONNA: But that means we've landed in the middle of hostile action.
DOCTOR: Yeah.
DONNA: There's something on this ship that's so bad the Tardis ran away?
DOCTOR: Yes.
DONNA: Then... we go... and kick its arse![Spaceship]DONNA: She was very put out, Mrs Bean.
DOCTOR: Mrs Bean?
DONNA: Head of the choir. She said, "It's not a war song. It's jolly." That's what she said. "It is jolly."
DOCTOR: Mrs Bean?
TANNOY: Fenslaw.
(Some of the struts either side of the walk way move in and out, up and down.)
DONNA: What was that?
DOCTOR: Like circuits moving. Or it's reconfiguring? It becomes...
DONNA: But what was the word? Fenslaw? What's that mean?
DOCTOR: I don't know. The Tardis translates but now it's gone.
DONNA: No, the Tardis translates for me. I thought you knew 27 million languages.
DOCTOR: I know 57 billion, 205. But not this one. Unless that was Mister Fenslaw saying his name.
DONNA: It wasn't that.
DOCTOR: It wasn't that, no.
DONNA: Jimbo didn't move. What is that?
DOCTOR: Oh, wait a minute. If I'm right...
(He steps on a small tile in the walkway, the floor opens up and a grav-buggy pops up.)
DOCTOR: Your car, milady.
DONNA: Thank you, Parker.
(They drive down to 'Jimbo', which looks a little like the film version of Marvin the Paranoid Android after several thousand millennia of beatings and neglect. With three eyes.)
DOCTOR: Oh, it's a robot. Hello, Jimbo! Can you talk? Have you got basic communications? Fenslaw? Fenslaw. No? Fenslaw. Can you hear me?
(It sounds hollow.)
DOCTOR: Have you got controllers listening? Hello! I'm the Doctor. This is Donna. We need help. We need to...
(It takes one step forward.)
DONNA: Is that it?
DOCTOR: One step at a time.
DONNA: What is it? Maybe it's an invader. Maybe that's the hostile action.
DOCTOR: I think it's just old. It's primitive, if you don't mind me saying so, Jimbo. Someone got a very old robot out of storage to walk very slowly down a very long corridor. Why?
DONNA: Maybe... time slowed down?
DOCTOR: No. I'd feel it in me bones. Stay there, Jimbo. No sudden moves. Onwards?
DONNA: Mmm hmm. Ah! I've got it.
(Her turn to drive.)
DONNA: Allons - as idiots say - y.
(At the end of the corridor/walkway/whatever, is a door. It opens into what, for lack of another word, I shall call the...) [Bridge]DOCTOR: Hello? Is anyone home?
DONNA: Well, definitely a spaceship. If that's space.
DOCTOR: We've got a chair. That's a good sign. It's a lifeform with a bum. If I can translate their basic one to ten, I can find out where we are. And when. And why. One, two... three, four, five... Ah. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Now I can read the base code. So, life signs. None. Just an empty chair.
DONNA: Where have they all gone?
DOCTOR: The spaceship seems to have powered down. Basic functions ticking over. Oh! Someone opened an airlock door. Three years ago. And then it closed.
DONNA: What for? Has the whole ship been empty for three years?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Those numbers are lenses. There's a camera, like a drone. We can see where we are.
(A drone is released from its pod and travels down the length of the modular vessel.)
DOCTOR: Oh ho! Well, it's definitely a spaceship.
DONNA: What kind of spaceship?
DOCTOR: Don't know.
(The drone turns to face them.)
DOCTOR: Ah! Hello!
DONNA: But... if we're in space... There's no stars. Where are the stars?
DOCTOR: We could be inside a dust cloud or a... mavity well, or... Oh.
DONNA: What?
DOCTOR: No, it's fine. The ship... is lost. It fell through a wormhole.
DONNA: Ending up where?
DOCTOR: Oh, I'm sorry, Donna. The Tardis was out of control. It's taken us... to the edge of the universe.
DONNA: So, what's out there?
DOCTOR: Well... that's difficult. For you. Because if the universe is everything, then the concept of an everything having an edge is... kind of impossible. But that's the language of 21st century Earth and you don't know anything yet. Not being rude, you just don't. When you discover Camboolian flat mathematics, you'll discover it's possible.
DONNA: What?
DOCTOR: That. Nothing... at the edge of creation. Absolute nothingness.
DONNA: But starlight travels. You can stand in my garden and look at the light from stars a billion miles away. So where's the light?
DOCTOR: Over there. Just hasn't reached us yet. If we flew in that direction, it would take 100 trillion years to reach your house.
DONNA: That's my family over there.
DOCTOR: I've never been this far out. To stand here like this, physically, unprotected, right on the edge. No one ever has. Not ever. Till us. And this ship.
DONNA: And an airlock door that opened three years ago... and closed.
DOCTOR: Yeah.
(Loud noise, they run out.)[Spaceship]DOCTOR: Must have been just settling.
DONNA: You said no signs of life. Are you absolutely certain?
TANNOY: Coliss.
(More redecoration, Jimbo takes another step forward.)
DOCTOR: It said fenslaw and coliss. Like a list, or a solicitors. Or a countdown. Or instructions.
DONNA: Or a warning.
DOCTOR: Slow warning.[Red room](Down the corridor to starboard.)
DOCTOR: I think... this way. Yes! Baseplate repetition filaments. Ah. If we move one up...
(Takes a rectangle out of a drawer. It drips.)
DONNA: Is that stuff dangerous?
DOCTOR: No. I don't think so.
(Sniffs and tastes it.)
DOCTOR: No. Oh...
(Choking.)
DONNA: Doctor!
DOCTOR: No. Clip it into the foldback. Can you do that? Take all the rectangles, move them up there.
DONNA: What does that do?
DOCTOR: The ship's on neutral, for some reason. It's just idling. We need to get it back on full power.
DONNA: Well, don't leave me on my own.
DOCTOR: Donna, there is no-one else on board this ship.
DONNA: Hostile action, remember? And what's that?
DOCTOR: A noise.
DONNA: Oh, well, you're very helpful. Go on, then. And hurry back, you little streak. [Side corridor]DOCTOR: I need to find a spindle. That's not like wool, it's a water pivot.[Watery room]DOCTOR: That's it! Can you still hear me?[Red room]DONNA: No.
DOCTOR [OC]: Good, good. Won't be long.
(The Doctor returns.)
DONNA: Did it just get cold?
DOCTOR: I think so.
DONNA: I was thinking... And let me finish, okay? I know I sound daft, but... I wonder how long they'll wait, Rose and Shaun and my mother. Standing there in that alley... waiting for the Tardis to come back. What if we never do? And then time will pass. Rose will grow up, she'll have a life. She might go back to that alley once a year for old times' sake, but she'll move on. Not Shaun, though. He'll keep going back every single day. He's nice, you know. He's lovely. I hope you get to know him.
DOCTOR: I hope so too.[Watery room](Donna enters.)
DOCTOR: It's getting cold. I hope I haven't turned the heating off by mistake. You were fast.
DONNA: I did what you said.
DOCTOR: Give me a minute. I've got to get... exactly the right millilitre.[Red room](But Donna and the Doctor are also still here...)
DOCTOR: And Wilf, your grandfather? What would he do?
DONNA: Oh, him? He would install himself with a sleeping bag and a Thermos and he would sit there for ever, calling you everything, wouldn't he?
DOCTOR: He's lovely, Wilf. Such a nice man. I'd love to see him again.[Watery room]DOCTOR: It's funny, cos I wonder where the Tardis goes at random. Maybe it lands on some outcrop by the sea. And there's a tribe and they worship it for 100 years. Then they grow up and try to burn it. Then they get wise. They preserve it. Then they build a city all around it, till the Tardis is just a tiny little dot, surrounded by skyscrapers and monorails. Time passes and the city falls. It all gets swept away. And there's the Tardis... still on its outcrop... by the sea. She's the only thing I've got left.
DONNA: Do you miss home? Gallifrey?
DOCTOR: I suppose. I mean, yes, but... No, it got complicated. It's the least of our problems right now.[Red room]DONNA: Do you think they have a kitchen in this place? Do they have food?
DOCTOR: My arms are too long.
DONNA: Yeah. Well. I skipped dinner last night cos of you and the Meep.
DOCTOR: Oh, we get hungry, don't we?[Watery room]DOCTOR: Strange. This system should be swimming by now. Those rectangles, did you move all of them up?
DONNA: My arms are too long.
DOCTOR: Yeah, I suppose it is a bit fiddly. Could you pop back and finish it?
DONNA: My arms are too long.
DOCTOR: Okay. You all right?
DONNA: My arms are too long. Look.
(Her hand hits the floor.)
DOCTOR: It's okay, I'm here. I've got you. Whatever this is, we can... Are you Donna?[Red room]DOCTOR [OC]: Donna? Donna, are you there?
DONNA: How are you...?
(He is literally a knuckle-dragger.)
NOT-DOCTOR: I don't know why, but the arms are so very difficult.
DOCTOR [OC]: Donna? Are you there?[Spaceship]DONNA: What are they?
DOCTOR: They're us.
DONNA: They're not us.
NOT-DOCTOR: The notion of shape is strange.
NOT-DONNA: It limits. It is limited.
DOCTOR: Okay, whatever shape you want to take, that's fine. You can do whatever you want. I just want to say it's very nice to meet you. I'm the Doctor, this is Donna.
DONNA: So are they.
DOCTOR: If you can just get those bodies to calm down, we can talk. That'll be nice, don't you think?
DONNA: They're looking at us like food.
NOT-DOCTOR: Food is interesting, because once I sort out the arms...
(The arms shrink to 'normal' length.)
NOT-DOCTOR: ..then I have a problem with the jaaaaaaw.
(Which plummets to the floor, before it gathers it up again.)
NOT-DONNA: It's the knees. How many knees?
NOT-DOCTOR: Two.
NOT-DONNA: Two in total? Or two on each leg?
DOCTOR: Where did you come from? You're not part of the ship, are you? Did you come from outside?
NOT-DONNA: We came from the nothing.
NOT-DOCTOR: We are not-things.
NOT-DONNA: But you, you're not nothing.
DOCTOR: Oh, I think you'll find we're quite something.
(They leap into the grav-buggy and drive away, chased by giant versions of themselves on hands and knees.)
DONNA: Doctor! Oh, my God, they're growing! Faster!
DOCTOR: I know!
(Not-Doctor grabs hold of the buggy.)
DONNA: No, you don't!
(She uses a metal bar to hit its knuckles.)
DOCTOR: I can't control it!
DONNA: You stupid... big... hand!
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no!
(It lets go and they zoom forwards. Not-Donna swipes at the buggy, sending it spinning.The steering wheel comes away in the Doctor's hands. The buggy comes to a stop as the Not-people grow so big they get stuck in the corridor.)
DONNA: What are they? No, don't.
DOCTOR: Got to see. It's strange enough my face coming back, but not this big.
DONNA: That airlock door three years ago, that's when they got in.
DOCTOR: No-things. No control of shape. No concept of shape or size.
DONNA: How can they get bigger? Cos you only get a certain amount of mass, don't you? Shaun used to complain about that watching Venom films. He'd say, "Where's the extra mass come from?"
DOCTOR: It got colder.
DONNA: Oh yeah, it got colder for me.
DOCTOR: Heat into mass? But they're not just physical copies, they've got our thoughts, too. That other Donna, she mentioned Gallifrey.
DONNA: The other Doctor said Wilf.
DOCTOR: So they've got our memories.
DONNA: Okay, so they're copies with memories and mass, but what I don't get is, why do they hate us? That's my hand.
DOCTOR: They're getting free. We should reason with them, try to make peace, welcome them to our side of the universe... Maybe later. A ladder, do you think? Maybe up there?
DONNA: Let's go!
(Halfway up the wall to a hatch...)
TANNOY: Brate.
DOCTOR: Not now!
(The piece of wall Donna is on slides away.)
DONNA: Doctor!
DOCTOR: It's okay, I'm right here...!
(As his bit of wall rotates him out of sight.)
DONNA: Doctor!
DOCTOR: (behind wall) Donna? Donna!
(Donna is deposited through another hatch.)[Green access corridor]DOCTOR [OC]: I'll find you. [Red access corridor]DOCTOR: I will find you!
DONNA [OC]: Doctor...
DOCTOR: Don't move. Stay where you are.[Green access corridor]DONNA: I came down about two floors. Depending on how big a floor is. And if I keep shouting, they'll find me, so I'll just head up. Yeah? Yeah.
(The Doctor finds a ladder down.)[Blue access corridor]DOCTOR: Fenslaw, coliss, brate.
(In the Green access corridor, Donna hears footsteps in the dark. A bulkhead slides across. The Doctor sees his breath.)
DOCTOR: Oh, don't.
(So does Donna. They both exit their corridors.) [Storeroom]DOCTOR: Is it...?
DONNA: Are you...? Is that you?
DOCTOR: But it got cold.
DONNA: It got cold for me too. Look, I'm me. I swear I'm really, really me.
DOCTOR: Well, so am I. That's not going to work. Okay. Tell me, how many hearts have I got?
DONNA: Two.
DOCTOR: Well, then it's me. No, hold on, that doesn't work, either.
DONNA: No, but look, I can't stretch it. My arm is not too long. I'm trying. That's all I've got.
DOCTOR: But if you were them, you'd pretend that you couldn't.
DONNA: Well, then pull my arm.
DOCTOR: Yeah, but maybe that's what you want me to do.
DONNA: What for?
DOCTOR: I don't know.
DONNA: Well, then you're not the Doctor, because he knows everything.
DOCTOR: Except for the million times when I don't. And I tell you