Weakly Humerus News 07-16-11

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Raw Oyster2

Jul 16, 2011, 8:36:13 AM7/16/11



Starting next year, all U.S. savings bonds will be electronic rather than printed. So they’ll be paperless, as well as valueless, useless, and worthless.  (Jay Leno)

For the first time in 30 years, the U.S. Government did not print any new $10 in 2010. That's probably because the $20 bills are now worth $10. (Tim Hunter)

Bristol Palin says that her mother Sarah has “God on her side”. To which Donald Trump says that isn’t true, he hasn’t decided on who to endorse yet. (Jim Barach)

Nebraskan Jason Orr hurled a hunk of buffalo manure nearly 168 feet last Saturday to win this year's World Championship Buffalo Chip Toss during the Fur Trade Days celebration in Chadron, Neb. Looks like the NFL and NBA negotiators aren't the only ones throwing this stuff around. (Dwight Perry)

WorldGolf.com reports there are Nevada golf clubs where, for an additional $200-400, players can hire a ParMate, described as an extremely attractive and outgoing young lady, to caddy during their round. This sounds like one way to make a course play harder. (RJ Currie)

The White House and Congressional Democrats insist on raising taxes to cut the deficit, and if the White House staff and Democrats in Congress actually paid their taxes, that plan just might work! (Jake Novak)

The British Open has begun. Royal St. George is one challenging course. It produces more bad lies than a Rupert Murdoch reporter. (Alan Ray)

Michele Bachmann signed a pledge in Iowa recently about protecting marriage, but it also said stuff about black children having it better when they were raised during slavery. Now her campaign is saying that while, yes, she did sign the pledge, she didn't read it first. And had she read it, she never would have signed it in the first place. Well, thank God presidents don't have to sign anything so important they have to read it first. . (Jay Leno)

Yes, Republican base, you are just like that Casey Anthony jury. It is pathetically clear who's killing the middle class, but you keep letting them get away with murder. (Bill Maher)

A coffee grower in Malaysia has developed a method of adding Viagra to a special blend of beans. Solid sales, but a weird side-effect. Men who begin drinking it regularly know what they're supposed to do but are too nervous to do it. (Bob Mills)

Since 2001, there have been 25,000 security breaches at U. S. airports. In their defense, the TSA says most of them happened while they were very busy pouring out shampoo. (Frank King)

Bristol Palin is the new voice of the abstinence movement. Isn't this kind of like Newt Gingrich defending marriage? (Janice Hough)

Tiger Woods says he will play in a rescheduled match for charity in August. Of course, playing for Charity is what got Tiger in trouble. Along with playing for Destiny, Cinnamon and all the other strippers he was dating. (Jim Barach)

The L.A. Times reported that iPhone apps are on sale that produce perfect counterfeit photo IDs and driver's licenses. It's alarming. All an Arab terrorist needs is a Mexican ID and not only can he cross freely into Arizona, he gets free health care if he's wounded in the explosion. (Argus Hamilton)


Hugh Grant secretly taped a News of the World reporter bragging how they hacked voice mails of stars, politicians and even the families of slain soldiers, prompting Rupert Murdoch to shut down the tabloid. Hugh pretended to befriend the reporter, then he taped him and now he's a national hero. Afterwards he and Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts lived happily ever after. (Argus Hamilton)

Rupert Murdoch and his New of the World newspaper are in trouble for hacking into the phone call records of thousands of people. The law is pretty clear, if you want to try and snoop on people without them knowing about it, you have to be either Google or Apple. You can't be a newspaper. . (Jay Leno)

Murdoch shut down News of the World, which was almost 160 years old. It's always sad when something that old comes to an end. It was like the last episode of "Larry King Live." (Craig Ferguson)

So now it appears that the scumbags at Murdoch's papers in Britain were not only hacking murder victims and soldiers, but also the Prime Minister, the Queen, and who knows who else. When these guys get out of jail maybe the CIA or MI-5 should hire them, sounds like they could have traced down Bin Laden years ago. (Janice Hough)

One of Murdoch's tabloids was hacking people's phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working. (Craig Ferguson)

The British government may cancel Rupert Murdoch's $14 billion satellite deal because they've discovered that he's evil. In the media business, being evil isn't always a bad thing. There's also the lovable kind of evil that we have here at CBS. (Craig Ferguson)

In what many saw a tacit admission of the depth of his current problems, Mr. Murdoch today cancelled plans to purchase the remainder of the British government that he does not already own. (Andy Borowitz)

The Rupert Murdoch Invitational: Not a lot of good golfers involved. Mostly a bunch of hackers. (Alan Ray)  

Royal St. George's, home of this year's British Open, produces more bad lies than a Rupert Murdoch reporter.  (Alan Ray)

The scandal involving Murdoch newspapers and illegal eavesdropping etc just keeps growing. Apparently one of them tried to infiltrate John McCain's presidential campaign communications. But no one could decipher the smoke signals. (Janice Hough

It's so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs. (David Letterman)


The perjury trial of Roger Clemens has begun. The Rocket has always been a guy who shoots from the hip. Or, is that into the hip? (Alan Ray)

Roger Clemens went on trial for lying to the House Oversight Committee that he didn't do steroids. The House hearing occurred five years ago. The congressmen woke up at home that morning and they dabbed on their Rogaine, took their Cialis, chugged a Five Hour Energy Drink and went to work where they accused ballplayers of using performance-enhancing drugs. (Argus Hamilton)

After several postponements, the trial of seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemons has gotten underway. Court watchers are pretty sure he'll start lying again. At his request, he was sworn in on a copy of "Beat the Odds My Way" by Pete Rose. (Bob Mills)

Roger Clemens released his list of witnesses for his perjury trial in Washington Tuesday. They include Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds. None of them will make it into the Hall of Fame because they cheated, but they're still in the running to be Atlanta's Teacher of the Year. (Argus Hamilton)

A mistrial has been declared in the Roger Clemens steroid lying trial. This spares the jury from having to see the track marks on his butt. (Jake Novak)

I'm not saying that the prosecutor in the Clemens case purposefully took a dive, but Roger was just credited with his first intentional walk. (Marc Ragovin)

The judge who declared the mistrial in the Roger Clemens case felt he had no choice as prosecutors had disobeyed his instructions about inadmissible evidence for a second time. Amazing incompetence. Were these clowns doing this in hopes of getting jobs some day prosecuting celebrities in Los Angeles? (Janice Hough) 


Casey Anthony will become a free woman this weekend. I'm taking comfort in the fact that at least she had to miss the All-Star game.  (Tim Hunter)

Casey Anthony was sentenced to time served Thursday and ordered released from prison Wednesday. When her child went missing she didn't call the cops for a month and instead she went out partying every night. Charlie Sheen never thought he'd lose his title to a woman. (Argus Hamilton)

People are mad. There's a lot of soul-searching going on after the Casey Anthony verdict. Florida is looking into the jury selection process, their legislatures are reviewing laws, and CNN is considering whether Nancy Grace should be replaced by an actual glassy-eyed vulture. (Bill Maher)

Casey Anthony is going to be released from jail on Wednesday. Let that be a lesson to anyone who covers up a death of a child and lies about it to the police. You could spend a little over a week in jail. (Alex Kaseberg)

Casey Anthony will be released from Orlando jail on Saturday amid fears of civil unrest in Orlando. Police are making arrangements for public safety. Three reality show producers are bidding for the right to film Casey's first night out drinking after three years without a drop. (Argus Hamilton)

Casey Anthony was judged guilty by an overwhelming number of women in a Gallup Poll released Friday. However just nine percent of men were angry with the verdict. It turned out to be a winning defense strategy to wear tighter and tighter blouses as the trial progressed. (Argus Hamilton)

New Rule: If your dad was on OJ's legal dream team, you can't Tweet your disappointment over the Casey Anthony verdict. It's like Tricia Nixon bitching about presidential corruption. And remember, your father started a proud Kardashian tradition: getting black men off. (Bill Maher)

Casey Anthony's lawyers revealed Tuesday she's considering altering her appearance for her own protection when she gets out of jail in Orlando Sunday. They said she may get plastic surgery and change her name. It's process known in Los Angeles as getting off the Greyhound bus. (Argus Hamilton)

Casey Anthony was quoted by fellow inmates Thursday saying she wants to have another child and even adopt children from other countries. That's how committed she is to the fight against global warming. Casey wants to start controlling the global population personally. (Argus Hamilton)


The MLB All Star Game is Tuesday in Arizona. There’ll be names like Reyes, Rodriguez, Polanco, and Gonzalez. Talking about the Maricopa County Sheriff’s watch list. (Alan Ray)

MLB's All-Star Game was played in Arizona. By the third inning, 95 percent of the players had been deported. (David Letterman)

So many players nowadays find excuses for not playing in the All Star game, it has become baseball's equivalent of jury duty. (Marc Ragovin)

The Major League Baseball All-Star Game was played in Phoenix Tuesday amid fan gripes that too many stars bypassed the event. Forty-two star players didn't make it to Phoenix for the game. It really wasn't necessary because Arizona's immigration law isn't being enforced yet. (Argus Hamilton)

Don't you love the Homerun Derby? What's more exciting than a homerun that doesn't count? (David Letterman)

An Arizona Diamondbacks fan fell over a railing lunging for a ball in the Home Run Derby Monday but his pals caught him by his ankles. He dangled upside down twenty feet in the air without spilling a drop of his beer. The next morning Exxon hired him to manage their pipelines. (Argus Hamilton)


A poll says any Republican candidate has an 8% lead over President Obama right now. The only problem is that it’s any Republican except anyone who has so far declared their candidacy. (Jim Barach)

The "Family Leader" pledge also includes a reference to America's children as "the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy." Uh, does this mean for example Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Edward's love children don't count? (Janice Hough)

Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. He's got no money. To give you an idea how bad it is, today he was named an honorary Dodger. That's how bad. (Jay Leno)

Iowa conservative group Family Leader asked all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Is this necessary? If there's one thing we learned from Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama it's that presidential fidelity does not help the economy.  (Argus Hamilton)  

A right wing religious group in Iowa is asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to respect marriage and remain faithful to their spouse. More problems for Newt Gingrich. . (Jay Leno)

Newt Gingrich declined to sign the controversial 14-point "Family Leader" pledge, but would not give a reason other than it needing "across the board" changes. A Gingrich spokesman did say the marriage vow "needed to be shortened." Yeah, as in taking out that little line about staying faithful to your spouse. (Janice Hough)

Michele Bachmann has now signed a 14-point pledge from the conservative Iowa Christian group "Family Leader." The ninth pledge includes banning "all forms of pornography." Well, this should get her the votes of about 10 men. (Janice Hough)

Michele Bachmann says that if she's elected, she'll ban pornography. We have multiple wars, skyrocketing debts, a recession, unemployment. Yeah, let's ban pornography. (David Letterman)

Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called "Unscented." (David Letterman)

Republican candidate, Tim Pawlenty, revealed he is a big Lady Gaga fan. That could land him some youth votes, bringing his total number of potential votes to 32 (Alex Kaseberg)

What's with all these pledges Republican presidential candidates are signing these days, the "no-tax" pledge, the "Family Leader" pledge…? Guess the "Pledge of Allegiance" isn't good enough anymore. (Janice Hough)

Just rereading the "Family Leader" pledge for candidates. And wondering, when one of their adherents gets pregnant, do her friends throw her an 'innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy' shower? Yes, that is the term their pledge uses to describe children. And what of, for example, the 'innocent fruit' of wine coolers. Do they not deserve protection too? (Janice Hough)

Sarah Palin may be a hockey mom, but I'm not sure she gets other sports. When asked if she had a prediction for the Home Run Derby, she apologized but said she really hadn't kept up on what horses were running. (Janice Hough)


The two sides in the NFL labor fight have agreed on rookie pay scales. Now, players from all the top colleges will get better pay and all the players from Ohio State will get better tattoos. (Jake Novak)

Hines Ward was arrested for a DUI Friday night. "Pacman" Jones was arrested at a bar Saturday night for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest Yep, looks like Ray Lewis was right about crime increasing during the NFL lockout. (Janice Hough)

The NFL says it expects to end the lockout and get back to football on July 21st. In a related story, cases of public drunkenness and domestic violence are now projected to rise beginning on July 21st. (Jake Novak)

After the NBA Players Union rejected their latest offer, team owners staged a lockout. The term "lockout" isn't entirely accurate, the players could still get to their lockers, but knowing that none of them have ever heard of Roman history, they just switched the combination locks to Roman numerals. (Bob Mills)


During their three-day visit to southern California, Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge visited Santa Barbara where the Prince got in a spirited polo match. Afterwards he donated his mallet, saddle and jodhpurs to charity, a night polo program for inner city gang members. (Bob Mills)

The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt. (Jay Leno)

The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It's the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left. . (Jay Leno)

Prince William and Kate flew commercial from L.A. back to London Sunday. They got to bypass the TSA checkpoint. Now three TSA guys have to figure out how they're going to pay for their Escalades without the money they were going to get for selling their body scans to the British tabloids. (Argus Hamilton)


President Obama is taking heat from the left and right during this debt ceiling crisis. And really, how dare he? The guy who campaigned as a moderate, is actually trying to govern as a moderate. (Janice Hough)

President Obama told CBS that government checks may not be sent out in August if the GOP doesn't yield. They send out seventy million checks a month. The president's threat to withhold government checks is a never-before-tried maneuver in politics called firing everybody who supports you. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama says he "can't guarantee" Social Security checks will go out on August 3rd if the debt ceiling isn't raised. The really bad news is that elderly Americans are preparing to pay for goods and services with sexual favors. (Jake Novak)

In the last month, President Obama’s re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is, to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more.  (Jay Leno)

President Obama met with congressional leaders to try to hammer out a budget deal. Both sides called the meeting frank and constructive. When they say frank that means they threw things and when they say constructive that means they glued the vases back together. (Argus Hamilton)

When leaving the debt talks yesterday, President Obama was quoted as saying: "I've reached my limit. This may bring my presidency down, but I won't yield on this." But it's not clear whether he was talking about the deficit or giving Michelle the cable remote. (Jake Novak)

President Obama vowed to continue White House budget negotiations until both parties agree to settle. He admitted he was willing to alter Social Security. That night Nancy Pelosi called Hillary Clinton and asked how you get away with throwing a lamp at the president. (Argus Hamilton)

President Obama said that it's time for us to "eat our peas." Republicans were quiet, but slipped them under the table and fed them to the dog. (Tim Hunter)

President Obama is now willing to change the eligibility age for Medicare from 65 to 67. But kids currently in college won't be able to get a job until they're 80. (Jake Novak)

Obama had a town hall on Twitter, and he took questions, the first time this ever happened. It went smoothly aft first, then of course came snarky questions from Republicans, and then the last four were just pictures of Anthony Weiner's penis. (Bill Maher)


President Obama's staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November. (Jay Leno)

The Obama Administration has determined that marijuana is of no medicinal use, but it vows to continue smoking it every time it comes up with new economic policies. (Jake Novak)

President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. I don’t think that ever works. (Jay Leno)


Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they're absolutely certain they will get nothing done. (David Letterman)

A government think-tank today proposed a controversial new law, "No Politician Left Behind," which would pay congressmen solely on the basis of performance. The law, which was proposed by the University of Minnesota's Institute of Government, would make a serious dent in the Federal deficit because few if any congressmen would ever have to be paid. (Andy Borowitz

House Speaker, John Boehner, turned down President Barack Obama's budget proposal; In a dramatic switch, Barack Obama was the one left red-faced and crying. (Alex Kaseberg)

While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, "It takes two to tango." Then Biden was like, "Sure, but it only takes one to break dance." (Jimmy Fallon)

Mitch McConnell, the Senate Minority Leader, stated Wednesday in an interview about his debt ceiling strategy, that he has an 'obligation' to his party not to be sucked into a 'horrible position politically that would allow the president to get re-elected.' Yeah, what's a little national default and global depression if the GOP can take back the White House? (Janice Hough)


A New York appellate court ruled it is legal for a suspicious wife to use a GPS device to track her cheating husband. More bad news for Chris Hansen. (Jay Leno)


China says the U.S. is spending too much on its military. Apparently their first clue was that we are in three wars and are $14 Trillion in debt. (Jim Barach)


The highest paid state employee in California keeps getting paid despite not being allowed to do his job because of concerns he is mentally ill. Of course, that's a concern for anyone who chooses to keep living in California. (Jake Novak)

Businesses are reportedly leaving California at a rate five times greater than just two years ago because of the economy, taxes and regulations. The businesses most affected are the ones that hired out housekeepers for the Schwarzeneggers. (Jim Barach)

A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: "North Mexico." (Jimmy Fallon)

Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn hailed a new Nevada law that allows casinos to take bets on non-sporting events like Miss America and the Academy Awards. They need new action in Nevada. The economy's so bad in Las Vegas that Roy's tigers are now eating him out of necessity. (Argus Hamilton)


The main freeway into Los Angeles, the 405, will be closed for over an hour this weekend. Sadly, commuters will not be able to tell. (Alex Kaseberg)

Los Angeles faces a traffic nightmare this weekend when the San Diego Freeway is closed to blow up the Mulholland Drive Bridge at Sepulveda Pass. It just adds to the problems of the city. They are blowing up the bridge to keep people from going back over it to the Reagan Years. (Argus Hamilton)

A funeral home strike has been avoided in Chicago. Thanks to a new deal, the funeral workers will keep working and all the dead people in Chicago will keep voting Democrat. (Jake Novak)

A Yellowstone National Park hiker was killed by a grizzly bear in the park's back country Tuesday. The park rangers were shocked. Noone's been killed by a bear in a national park in twenty-five years, but that's only because the New York Stock Exchange isn't a national park. (Argus Hamilton)

On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, "I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl, but it's definitely an American." (Jimmy Fallon)

A Texas woman has given birth to a 16-pound baby. As she held her new baby in her arms, she looked over at her husband with a tear in her eye and said, "Touch me again and die!" (Tim Hunter)

A Mexico tour bus owner was busted in Denver Monday for smuggling forty-five thousand pounds of marijuana on a bus when it arrived at the Denver bus station. The word spread fast. There was a frenzy for tickets once folks found out that Willie Nelson and his band were in town. (Argus Hamilton)


Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, said in an interview that her mom has "God on her side." Well, we now know who God voted for in the last election. (Tim Hunter)

Topps has issued a George W. Bush trading card. He is listed as throwing right, batting right, politics way right, and everything else wrong. When it comes to “steals”, he has just one. The 2000 election. (Jim Barach)

I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it's Bush's card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion. (Jimmy Fallon)


China is urging the U.S. to be “responsible” on its debts, mostly because all our debts are to the Chinese. How can you ask someone who has run up a $14 Trillion debt to start being responsible? That’s like asking a gambling addict to go to Las Vegas just to watch some of the shows. (Jim Barach)

The Republicans' approach to compromise during debt negotiations: It's not, "All right, let's all chip in and we'll buy a keg for the big party." It's, "Buy me a keg and I won't burn your f**kin' house down." (Jon Stewart)

Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just evolve from millions of years of stimulus packages. (Wyatt Cenac)

Apple alone accounted for 20% of all sales growth for US retailers from January through March of this year. And the other 80% came from those stores selling iPhone cases. (Jake Novak)

We're three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can't find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs. (Jon Stewart)

I was sure that the Republican plan to fix the economy by defaulting on the national debt would work, but apparently it didn't. The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann. (Bill Maher)

We're getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by Aug. 2. How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until Aug. 2? . (Jay Leno)

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke signaled an easing of monetary policy Thursday, prompting gold prices to rise to sixteen hundred an ounce. It's created a new gold rush. Gang members in California are now shooting each other over control of river bends instead of street corners. (Argus Hamilton)

The U. S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans. Which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps. (Jimmy Fallon)  

S&P is warning the U.S. that the country could lose its AAA rating... confusing millions of Americans who think that means the government won't be able to get its car towed. (Jake Novak)

The Treasury Department is shifting from paper to electronic savings bonds next year. But don't worry, the electronic bonds will be just as worthless as the paper ones. (Jimmy Fallon)

Moody's cut the debt rating for Los Angeles yesterday. That's sending interest rates so high, Mayor Villaraigosa is disguising himself as an illegal alien and hoping to get deported. (Jake Novak)

Will we default on our debt, and will Canada let us crash on their couch for awhile? (Stephen Colbert)

A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: Last year they were worth $5 million. . (Jay Leno)


The IRS is going after the 23 year old cell-phone salesman who caught Derek Jeter's 3000th hit, for $15,000 based on the value of what the Yankees gave him. Meanwhile, GM pays no taxes for 10 years. Is this a great country or what? (Janice Hough)

If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you're a dumbass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you're a Republican. (Bill Maher)


For the first time in its history Dunkin' Donuts is going public. Which is great news for law enforcement. From now on, when when cops pig out on empty calories, they can claim they're just helping their stock go up. (Bob Mills)

Saks Fifth Avenue is planning to open a new store next year in Kazakhstan. Or as it will be called there, "Saks Dirt Road." (Jimmy Fallon)

Chrysler says it will identify and suspend the workers caught by a local TV station smoking pot and drinking booze on breaks from its plant in Trenton, Michigan. The only people Chrysler wants to stay stoned and drunk are the politicians who keep bailing them out.  (Jake Novak)  

Borders Books is about to be totally liquidated unless it succeeds in a plan to pretend it's a unionized auto company and get a government bailout. (Jake Novak)


Scientists in Italy have developed software that makes cars talk to each other. Unless the cars are married. (RJ Currie)

In response to calls to limit auto emissions, the White House has issued new mileage guidelines for electric cars and hybrids. They're more all-inclusive than usual with special requirements for individual models. For instance, a new Toyota must get at least 46.8 mpg on the highway and 37.2 city while the gas pedal is stuck to the floorboard. (Bob Mills)

Boeing engineers reported Thursday they have designed a high speed passenger jet that could fly from New York to London in just an hour. The Democrats already resent the idea. In the interest of equality passengers will be required to arrive at the airport seven hours early. (Argus Hamilton)

Norwegian Cruise Line is now offering pizza delivery 24/7 on their ships, for an extra charge of $5 per pizza. Apparently for all those people who can't make it on twelve meals a day. (Janice Hough)


A man in Garden Grove, CA, girlfriend drugged him, cut his penis off and threw it down the disposal. Guys, when she asks if those pants make her butt look fat, for the last time, the answer is no. (Alex Kaseberg

In CA, a Garden Grove man's girlfriend cut off his penis and ground it in the disposal. Upon hearing this, Maria Schwarzenegger said; "You can do that?" (Alex Kaseberg)

An LA woman cut off her estranged husband’s penis and put it down the garbage disposal. Add further insult to injury. The guy’s lawsuit against her is being moved to small claims court. (Alan Ray)

A young woman in Richmond, Kentucky was arrested for stealing an expensive diamond ring by swallowing it at a jewelry store counter. She's been charged with grand theft, shoplifting, and ingesting a controlled substance. The good news: an additional charge of concealing evidence will be dropped as soon as it shows up. (Bob Mills)

A study says that crime rates quadruple in the areas around big city airports. Mostly right when you get to the baggage counter and get hit with all the extra airline fees. (Jim Barach)


The TSA is going to test express lanes for travelers. Apparently the new routine will allow air passengers to be humiliated, violated and embarrassed in just half the time. Which really won’t make much of a difference because planes end up sitting on the tarmac for hours because of drunk pilots and sleeping Air Traffic Controllers. (Jim Barach)

A Jet Blue airline crew found a stun gun in a seatback pocket while cleaning a plane in Newark Monday night. The flight had originated in Boston, but made other stops during the day. In related news, TSA said they did confiscate their daily thousand or so bottled waters. (Janice Hough)

The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. (Jay Leno)

Explaining how a potential terrorist managed to slip past airport screeners without any identification, a TSA watchdog group pointed out that there have been 25,000 breaches of security at U. S. airports. In their defense, a TSA official proudly pointed out that their x-ray machines have exposed six defective breast implants, an enlarged prostate and 116 Men's Warehouse suits falsely labeled "Armani." (Bob Mills)

A man was busted at JFK airport for smuggling six pounds of cocaine in his sneakers. That's right, his plan was hiding cocaine in his shoes,  you know, those things that you never, ever have to take off at the airport. (Jimmy Fallon)


Here is a truly frightening story; they are now saying that Al Qaeda had plans to use women as human bombs on airplanes. Did you hear about this? They are saying that they could put bombs inside women's breast implants. Do you know what that means? Hooters could be a terrorist training camp.  (Jay Leno)

Homeland Security warned Friday al-Qaeda is planning to attack U.S. airliners with bombs surgically implanted in passengers. No one wants to think about TSA security now. Everybody with an appendix scar is going to be pulled out of line and interrogated, unless they look Muslim. (Argus Hamilton)


The Space Shuttle Atlantis took off for the Space Station for the final flight of the program Friday. It's the end of an era. Obama canceled all future space shuttle missions to the Space Station and back because no one could find an electric cord two hundred and twenty miles long. (Argus Hamilton)

A foul odor is reportedly coming from one of the toilets on the International Space Station. Apparently even rocket scientists can’t figure out that maybe it smells because it’s a toilet. At $90 Million just to buy, imagine what the cost is to get a plumber up there at weekend rates? (Jim Barach)


Following a weekend conjugal visit with her convict husband, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak him out of the prison hidden in her luggage. She'd have gotten away with it, too, if the warden hadn't just purchased that new Swiss-trained husband-sniffing dog. (Bob Mills)


Prince Albert and his bride Charlene reportedly spent the first few nights of their honeymoon in separate hotels. Albert claimed he needed to be close to where he was doing some work for the IOC. How crazy is that? The one time a member of a royal family actually does work and he schedules it on his honeymoon. (Jim Barach)

The British government has issued new guidelines to prevent childhood obesity that include a recommendation that babies as young as one year get at least three hours of exercise a day. Since they can't walk yet, it's suggested that parents take them swimming, let them push and pull objects, or roll around on the floor. Of course, rolling them around on the floor is easier if they're already obese. Or, if they were fathered by Arnold Schwarzenegger, they can pump iron. (Reeder & Ainsworth)

It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos. (Jay Leno)


It's Bastille Day, which is the day that Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French. (David Letterman)

According to a national entomology study recently completed in Holland, Dutch motorists squash an estimated 133 billion flying insects every month. Whenever they spot an insect heading into their path, they just can't stop fast enough. And with good reason. You ever tried stomping on the brake peddle wearing a wooden shoe? (Bob Mills)

Moody's cut Ireland's debt rating to junk status. It's getting so bad, the Irish government just had to lay off the leprechaun guarding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. (Jake Novak)

Hitler’s birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment.  (Jay Leno)


Cairo had new protests Friday when thousands gathered in Tahrir square to demand new reforms. This spring they overthrew a dictator and replaced him with the head of the state secret police. It made them look like the first democracy to overthrow a leader because he wasn't oppressive enough. (Argus Hamilton)


According to a new poll, U.S. popularity in the Middle East is at an all-time low. How could it be lower than before, when it was 'Death to America?' (Jay Leno)

Archaeologists digging in Israel uncovered 3,000-year old tiles believed to have been made by the Philistines. Graphologists concluded that the tiles were from an ancient lavatory when the inscription on them was translated to read: "For a Good Time Call Bathsheba at "Sodom I-XIV-XXIX" (Bob Mills)

The Obama administration is freezing military aid to Pakistan. Pakistan says it's just going to have to rely on all the weapons it already gets from al Qaeda. (Jake Novak)


It looks like we'll begin to pay our debt to China. Last week, we returned Yao Ming. (David Letterman)

The world's steepest roller coaster opened in Japan. It goes 80 mph and flips upside down seven times. It's like carpooling with Mel Gibson. (Craig Ferguson)


University of Indiana biologists may have finally answered the age-old Darwinian question: "What is the point of sex?" They engineered two types of the same worm: one type reproduced by two genders mating; the other by cloning itself. They found that the offspring that combined two different DNA strands were more resistant to parasites and lived longer. So the point of sex could be to help ward off parasites. One researcher said, "The co-evolutionary struggle between hosts and their parasites could explain the existence of males." This would also explain why so many women have sex with guys who are worms. (Reeder & Ainsworth)

A new species of shark has been discovered. It's kind of suspicious. It seems that a new shark is always discovered just before Shark Week. Sharks are not only nature's perfect killing machines, they're also calculating fame-seekers. They're like Kardashians, but smarter. The shark was just discovered, yet Lady Gaga is already wearing a hat made of it. (Craig Ferguson)


A dairy group is encouraging men to buy milk for their wives or girlfriends to help relieve symptoms of PMS. Any man who gives a woman milk to help her with PMS will find his picture on the carton. (Jim Barach)

A study says that placebos work to cure colds if people believe they work. To which health insurance companies are asking “Why don’t we just do that for all illnesses?” (Jim Barach)

A new analysis of studies says that there is a higher risk of death and complications for people being admitted to teaching hospitals in July. The only bigger risk is going to any hospital without having a health insurance plan. (Jim Barach

A study says that access to a supermarket doesn’t improve people’s diets. Especially now that most supermarkets have their own fast food restaurants inside the store. (Jim Barach)


The Weather Channel charted a boiling heat wave nationwide Monday with fifteen states reporting over one hundred and five degrees. Baseball players have been sticking their heads in buckets of ice during games. Ten years after his death, everybody still emulates Ted Williams. (Argus Hamilton)

A heat wave grips the nation. You can tell when it’s hot in New York City. Dumpsters start to smell like cabs. (Alan Ray)

It's so hot that even Michele Bachmann believes in global warming. (David Letterman)

In Arizona they had a dust storm that was two miles high and 15 miles wide. It looked like something out of a movie. Visibility in Arizona they said was so bad that police were hassling white people.  (Bill Maher)


Rumor of the week: Start spreading the news: USC and Ohio State to the SEC? (Dwight Perry)

There are reports the NFL Hall of Fame exhibition game will likely be cancelled. Who says the lockout is all bad news? (RJ Currie)

The guy who caught Derek Jeter's 3,000 hit gave the ball – valued at $250,000 – gave it to Jeter for nothing. Or as Derek Jeter calls $250,000, two and one third innings of work. (Alex Kaseberg)

The fan who caught Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit may owe the IRS $14,000 for gifts he received from the team. Which isn’t a bad deal since $14,000 barely covers the cost of tickets and a hot dog at Yankee Stadium. (Jim Barach)

Problems at the annual Seattle to Portland bicycle ride last weekend. Someone decided to spread tacks along four miles of the route. Republicans say Democrats are probably responsible for the tacks. (Tim Hunter

The Dodgers fired Steve Garvey, because while he was working for them he was also involved with another group trying to buy the team. Let's see, Los Angeles was shocked by duplicity from a man who got two women pregnant in the same year he married a third woman. (Janice Hough)

The Bleacher Report says the Pittsburgh Pirates were in 'unfamiliar territory' by being above .500 at the all-star break. That's right, unfamiliar territory. Like Paris Hilton being lost in thought. (RJ Currie)

Amid the usual English pomp and circumstance, the history-seeped British Open has begun at Royal St. George. Interesting how the course got its name. Saint George was one of Jesus' favorite disciples,  and for good reason. Somehow, he could always manage to get a starting time at the exclusive Gomorrah Country Club. (Bob Mills)

New Raiders coach, Hue Jackson, proclamed, "We're chasing greatness." Mediocrity, they've caught. (Jerry Crowe)

It's time once again for the annual running of the bulls in Pomplona, Spain. Some people claim that bullfighting is cruel. They don't realize that those bulls would be slaughtered anyway and supply enough beef to keep the entire McDonald's Corporation in business for a year. (Bob Mills)

Hey, this week was Spain's annual running of the bulls. Or as bulls are reporting it, "This week was Spain's annual chasing of the idiots." (Jimmy Fallon)

As they do each year at this time, tourists are flocking to Pomplona, Spain to drink excessively and then taunt panicked young bulls as they run down the city's narrow streets. Many of them fall, slipping and sliding as they lose their balance. And that's just in their own vomit before the bulls are even released. (Bob Mills)

Does anyone else find it ironic that the Calgary Stampeders always have to be away during Stampede Week? (RJ Currie)


Goalie Hope Solo has been given a lot of credit for the success of the U.S. team at the Women's World Cup. The Canadian team, on the other hand, was Hopeless. (RJ Currie)

Alex Rodriguez is going to have knee surgery. Team officials say he'll miss 4-6 weeks of baseball and somewhere between 10 and 15 new girlfriends. (Tim Hunter

Brett Favre is like a piece of gum you've chewed too long and can't find a place to spit out. Once you finally do, you accidentally step in it and can't get it off your shoe. (Greg Couch)

Pittsburgh Steeler, James Harrison called the NFL commissioner, his boss, Roger Goodell, the devil, stupid and an anti-gay slur. Apparently Harrison wants to try his hand working in the fast food industry. (Alex Kaseberg)

Steelers receiver Hines Ward was arrested in Atlanta for DUI. They're calling it 'The Night that Hines Went Out in Georgia.' (Bill Littlejohn)  

Wilt Chamberlain will reportedly be on a U.S. postage stamp. In a related story, Swedish postage stamps rumored to feature the Sedin twins had to be scrapped; they wouldn't go into the corners. (RJ Currie)

Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley was busted for pot. He was most likely smoking it to relieve pain. He’s on the Minnesota Timberwolves. (Alan Ray)

Reggie Jackson's stepmother tried to auction off some of his baseball memorabilia online, but a federal judge in Las Vegas quashed it because rumor got around that some of O.J.'s pals were coming to pick it up. (Dwight Perry

Tiger Woods is skipping the upcoming British Open, citing leg problems. It wasn't clear whose legs were causing him problems this time. (Ian Hamilton)

Tiger Woods dropped out of the British Open, insisting that he won't return until he's fully healed. He must pass two tests. He won't be healed until his left knee can withstand the force of his downswing and he can stand downwind from cheap perfume and still sink a two-foot putt. (Argus Hamilton)

Tennis rivals John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg have teamed to launch their own line of underwear. In keeping with the theme, they come in sets of three, four or five. (Dwight Perry)

RadarOnline reports Michael Phelps has for some time secretly been dating a Canadian named Ashley Finestone. Think of her as Madame Butterfly. (RJ Currie)

Leading Tour de France cyclist Frank Schleck was taken ill after a Dragonfly flew into his open mouth during the race. As if those cyclists don't already have enough to worry about like getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet and abstaining from sex, now they'll have to brush their teeth with windshield wiper fluid. (Bob Mills)

Prosecutors say they won't file charges against New Mexico football player Deshon Marman, arrested after wearing saggy pants on a plane at the San Francisco airport. Though law-and-order advocates remain hopeful he'll be suspendered for the season. (Dwight Perry)


The final Harry Potter movie hits the theaters this weekend. The most ardent fans of this series are amazed at the things their hero can do. He actually talks to a girl. (Alan Ray)

The final Harry Potter movie is out. Hogwarts is a truly magical place. For years the school has operated without one NCAA sanction. (Alan Ray

They're going to announce the Emmy Awards for television honors. It's a nice feeling to be ignored by your peers. (David Letterman)

The new 'Winnie the Pooh' movie is a throwback to the classics, like 'Fantasia,' or 'Goofy Meets Cheech and Chong.' 'Winnie the Pooh' can teach children important life lessons, like "If you see a bear in the woods, make friends with it." (Craig Ferguson)

Breaking Bad starring Bryan Cranston airs on AMC Sunday. He plays a chemistry teacher with cancer who cooks crystal meth so he can leave his family millions. It's so popular the Food Network is thinking of having a competition show starring the country's best meth cooks. (Argus Hamilton)

“Horrible Bosses” is out in movie theaters. Three guys try to kill their oppressive superiors. Wal Mart workers are calling it the feel good movie of the summer. (Alan Ray

There's talk that Lindsay Lohan's mother, Dina, will be on the next season of "Dancing With the Stars." Which explains the show's new title, "Dancing With the Non-star Parents of Former Stars." (Jimmy Fallon)


Oprah Winfrey has named herself CEO of the OWN network. Which amounts to a demotion for her, from worshipped TV goddess to mere mortal executive. Apparently she figures instead of working she can now just sit at a desk and award herself an obscene bonus for doing nothing. (Jim Barach)

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he's going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He's going to star in a new Western. I think it's called 'Butch Cassiday and the Illegitimate Kid.' "Somebody has to clean up this town. Who's going to clean it up? Where's the maid." (Jimmy Fallon)

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a role in the upcoming western “The Last Stand”. How is he different from the train that comes through town? The train pulls out on time. (Alan Ray)

It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger is working on a memoir. Yeah, it's apparently over 500 pages long — and that's just the dedication to his kids. (Jimmy Fallon)

Everyone in America is worried about the same thing: The dancers of the Joffrey Ballet are being locked out. This could lead to a strike, and the most graceful picket line ever. (Craig Ferguson)

Everyone thought it a little strange when Natalie Portman announced that she'd named her new baby boy "Aleph." However, it was fully explainable. Seems she intended to name the kid Ralph, but the nurse filling out the tag on the maternity ward crib was dyslexic. (Bob Mills)

NBC's "To Catch a Predator" host, Chris Hanson, was not only caught cheating on his wife, he text-messaged naked pictures to his mistress. Look for Hanson's new show on NBC, "We Caught a Hypocrite." (Alex Kaseberg)

I just heard the new Transformers movie features supermodel Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in 3D. I always thought she was a 34B. (RJ Currie)

“Jersey Shore” star Ronnie Ortiz-Magro won’t get jail time on a battery charge. The judge showed mercy. Toward the other inmates. (Alan Ray

Rapper Vanilla Ice and his wife have split up after 14 years. The divorce trial could get nasty. They will both seek joint custody of the DJ. (Alan Ray


Eliot Spitzer's show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour? (David Letterman

CNN canceled Eliot Spitzer’s show on CNN. I guess producers canceled it after they realized it was still on. . (Jay Leno)

Over the weekend, someone broke into our theater. I'm told that Jay Leno has an alibi. (David Letterman)

Another vandal struck David Letterman's studio in New York City. We also were vandalized, and it caused more than $40,000 in improvements. (Craig Ferguson)


Facebook teamed up with Skype Wednesday to make video calls available to FB's seven hundred and fifty million subscribers for free. It's so sad. If Anthony Weiner could have just held out another month, he could have ruined his career with live video instead of still photographs. (Argus Hamilton)

Facebook now has Skype for video chats. So you know that smelly kid in fourth grade you didn't really want to be Facebook friends with? Now you can see and talk to him everyday. (Alex Kaseberg)


Betty Ford died in California Friday famed as a champion of women's rights and a pioneer in recovery. Ninety thousand people were treated at the Betty Ford Center. Betty saved the lives of hundreds of Hollywood celebrities, and St. Peter's sure to read her the riot act about that. (Argus Hamilton)

The fan who caught Derek Jeter's 3,000th hit is getting lots of offers to do commercials. But since the target audience is baseball fans, all the commercials will be for Viagra and Depends. (Jake Novak)

Former KKK grand wizard David Dukes is considering a run for the White House. He has entered a more modern era of political ideology. He now wears a fitted sheet. (Alan Ray)

O. J. Simpson reportedly celebrated his 64th birthday this week with family members and the few friends he has. After they all had ice cream and cake that someone else sliced, they sang several choruses of the Beatles hit "Will You Still Think I'm Guilty When I'm Sixty-Four?" (Bob Mills)

According to the New York papers Dominique Strauss Kahn's hotel maid, you know the woman who accused him of sexual assault, has been revealed to be a prostitute. That's what they said. You can see how bad things have gotten for hookers since Eliot Spitzer stopped using them. Now they are forced to take a second job. They've got to be maid. It's horrible. (Jay Leno)

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt filed for bankruptcy in Delaware in an effort to stave off creditors and seizure. He ran out of money even though he raised beer prices to twelve bucks a cup. Republicans say it's proof that raising taxes won't solve the deficit problem. (Argus Hamilton

Bristol Palin is now saying of her family that "we have God on our side." Ah, that explains it. God must have encouraged her to get drunk on wine coolers just to create another little Palin. (Janice Hough)

Exotic animal owner, 49-year-old Sam Mazzolla, died chained to a water bed wearing a leather mask with a sex toy jammed down his throat. This now replaces drowning in raw sewage as my least favorite way to go. (Alex Kaseberg)

Sadly, Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of "The Brady Bunch" and "Gilligan's Island" passed away at 94. According to his wishes, he will be buried along with a treasure map, the football that broke Marcia's nose and a banana cream pie baked by Mary Ann. (Alex Kaseberg)

One of NASCAR's three Miss Sprint Cups was fired when nude photos of her showed up on the Internet. I guess you could say her camera needed a restrictor plate. (Mike Bianchi)


Atlanta public school teachers admitted Tuesday they cheated on behalf of their students by correcting answers on standardized tests. It's not that the teachers are permissive. Last week three students were sent home early because they didn't bring enough crack for everyone. (Argus Hamilton)

California has passed a law requiring schools to teach gay history. Up until now, those lessons had to be taught in the cloakroom. (Jim Barach)

The California legislature passed a bill allowing school districts throughout the state to teach Gay History as an official course. Already, state colleges have made it a prerequisite for degrees in Broadway Musicology, Interior Design and Anthropological Artifact Acquisition. (Bob Mills)

California's schools are failing across the board, but a new state law is requiring them to teach gay and lesbian studies. So, we may not turn out kids who can program a computer, but they'll sure know everything about how to use a dildo. (Jake Novak)

California passed a bill requiring schools to salute gay people in U.S. history. It was always controversial. Pat Robertson's ancestor warned the Continental Congress if they didn't stop wearing powdered wigs, satin breeches, and black pumps that God would destroy the Colonies. (Argus Hamilton)

The Wall Street Journal reported that American kids failed a recent U.S. history test given nationwide. It's appalling. Three-fourths of American kids knew that we gained our independence from Great Britain but no one knew the date we lost our independence to China. (Argus Hamilton)

Schools in Illinois are dropping writing portions from standardized tests. When asked why, a spokesman said, "We simple does not needs them." (Jimmy Fallon)

The Pennsylvania Department of Education is looking into allegations of cheating on state tests. Apparently the cheating is being done by teachers who are scared to death to have to go through another year with the same students. (Jim Barach)


Many Catholics were outraged over reports that the Vatican was negotiating with the bankruptcy court referee to purchase Orange County's Crystal Cathedral. The archbishop was quick to respond, telling them "Let he who lives in a glass cathedral cast the first stone." (Bob Mills)


New Rule: You can't be a country that celebrates its birthday with a gluttonous hotdog binge and pyrotechnics and then not offer universal healthcare. On the 4th of July, a man named Joey Chestnut gobbled down 62 wieners, just beating the old record set by George Michael, and at least 8,000 people that day went to the emergency room with fireworks-related injuries. Holding the 4th of July and not providing the inevitably needed healthcare is like holding Oktoberfest and not providing Port-O-Potties. (Bill Maher)


Nude yoga is reportedly gaining popularity in the U.S. and Canada. Participants say it's enjoyable once you get the hang of it. (RJ Currie)

Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun. (Jay Leno)

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine and accept the body of a man into your mouth. (Stephen Colbert)

He (Marcus Bachmann) is so gay he calls 'Top Gun' 'that volleyball movie. (Jon Stewart)

Of course I'd like to say Dr. Marcus Bachmann buys Brawny paper towels for the packaging, or he's so gay Richard Simmons tells him to tone it down. (Jerry Seinfeld on Jon Stewart show)

A survey by leading sunscreen maker Coppertone found that almost 75% of summer beach-goers violate some rule of sunbathing etiquette. Most common gaffs are wearing Spandex trunks three sizes too small, showing up at a nude beach fully clothed, and kicking medical waste on someone smaller than you are. (Bob Mills)


A new study shows that businesses are hiring at a record low pace. The only jobs available these days are all the positions made available by Congressmen resigning in disgrace. (Jake Novak)

A poll says that three quarters of all Baby boomers consider themselves middle age or younger and that people aren’t old until they reach 80. Mostly because that’s the age they figure they will be when their kids finally move out of the house. (Jim Barach)

A report says in the past 50 years, kids have become 22% more expensive to raise. Mostly because they are 22% fatter from eating 22% more food. (Jim Barach)

According to the latest study on parenthood, a child today costs 22% more to raise than one born in 1961. In those days, parents saved a bundle on video games alone. The only video game the kids had back then was guessing the pin count on "Bowling For Dollars." (Bob Mills)

The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation ran a national survey Friday finding that the South led the nation in obesity rates. The percentage of obesity increased in sixteen states last year, raising real concern. One fourth of all Americans now weigh as much as the other three-fourths. (Argus Hamilton)

According to a survey by Charles Schwab, 16 percent of teenagers expect their parents to help them financially forever. I believe they’re called 'philosophy majors.' (Jay Leno)

A new study found that 50 percent of all college students get blackout drunk at least once a year. Yeah, the other 50 percent couldn't answer, mainly because they were blackout drunk. (Jimmy Fallon)

According to a recent study, babies prefer the art of Picasso over Monet. Who says kids are impressionable? (RJ Currie)

One in four parents say their children are involved in cyberbullying. The other three kids still prefer the traditional bullying methods of extortion and giving wedgies. (Jim Barach)

An international study found that Brits are happier and more productive listening to the radio than Americans watching TV and using the Internet. Experts credit the difference to the excellence of the BBC, the greater proportion of college graduates in the UK, and the fact that there's no British version of Rush Limbaugh. (Bob Mills)


While a number of athletes were in attendance at last night's ESPY awards, none of the Miami Heat showed up. It was just like a NBA finals fourth quarter. (Janice Hough)

Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:ske...@socal.rr.com


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