The Girlfriend Activation System Review

[Brian Scarano]

At the behest of my mother, I recently sat down to watch the Untold Netflix docuseries, focusing on Manti Te'o and his experience with being catfished by Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. It's a heartbreaking story for everyone involved that hit particularly close for me because of my experience growing up Mormon and the decades I spent navigating gender before learning about my intersex status.

In many ways, the story started as the ubiquitous tale of transgender youth of the era. Without the ability to read about how to be transgender, access to supportive teachers or educational systems, and an affirming environment, transgender youth often escaped into an alternate reality as a means of survival.

The story was an upsetting account of complex trauma and an example of how severe harm can occur even in a scenario without a clear villain. While it may be easy to assert that Ronaiah is the story's villain, the true evil was the systemic failure to affirm diversity and prepare youth for healthy relationships.

This review is biased towards the story presented by those involved in the production. I do not know those involved in the story. I cannot speak about the veracity of the claims or subject material, and I welcome correction if those involved read this review and feel I lack context or am providing an unfair assessment.

The story of Ronaiah is a common allegory for queer youth raised in communities and cultures that consider anything different from an idealized version of conformity as intolerable. Understandably, those who have always felt an innate connection between their biological sex and concept of self as male or female would consider the actions taken by Ronaiah to develop her complex alternate reality as nothing short of pathological. It's not.

I cannot condone the actions of Ronaiah, and some of her actions undeniably crossed a line resulting in severe personal and psychological trauma. And while some of her actions fall within the typical survival experience of queer youth trying to survive in repressed communities, other actions unquestionably crossed the line.

Three concepts that help provide context to my review linger in my mind after watching the series. None of these on their own should be considered justification for the harm caused by heinous actions.

Concept One: Developing a fictional online persona is not inherently wrong. You know plenty of people who engage in role-playing, D&D, online games, etc., where people engage with other real people as fictional versions of themselves. Participating in virtual realities provides enjoyment and fulfills those involved's social and emotional needs.

Concept Two: I find the shared Samoan ancestry of Manti and Ronaiah curious. In my interactions with hundreds of Samoans of different beliefs, ages, locations, and family connections, I have consistently noticed common respect and a general lack of prejudice. My research often cites the Fa'afafine and the acceptance of gender diversity within the culture. Samoan culture, absent the influence of oppressors and colonization, embraces diversity.

Concept Three: Regarding gender, those who call themselves Christians are usually anything but Christlike. Hateful vitriol against this community is abundant. 1-in-4 transgender people are violented assaulted every year. The perpetrator, when prosecuted, often claims religious beliefs to justify their actions.

When you engage in a role-playing game, there is the accepted understanding that you aren't really conversing with a sexy elf, ogre, dragon master, or troll. These are characters other people have developed.

Like those who lose themselves in the game and benefit from a sense of community, Ronaiah created an online identity to establish connections and community. She needed the ability to communicate with others in a way that was otherwise not permissible in her situation. Up to that point, her behavior was in line with most transgender youth who had to hide but desperately sought meaningful contact with others. Even today, those who are not yet out will engage as a more authentic version of themselves in an online community. Getting to exist authentically in a virtual world is better than not living at all.

The fundamental difference between the virtual reality many people now engage in and the reality experienced by Manti Te'o was one of consent. On games, apps, and sites for people not yet out, people can connect with others as the presented version of themselves while guarding anonymity. All involved understand they communicate authentically with one another, despite concealed real-life identities.

Had Ronaiah participated in a forum where all involved knew that others in the forum may or may not be who they portrayed themselves to be, she may have found an authentic connection with somebody who consented to accept whomever the person described themselves to be. She chose to exist on a forum where most users present themselves as their real-life identity.

I don't need to know the name of the person I'm talking to in public, and there's no expectation for a random person to share personal information. Consent to communicate is a right in the human social contract, and parties may freely engage until one expresses the desire not to initiate or otherwise ends dialogue.

A few weeks ago, I was on a flight where a flight attendant kept referring to one of the people in the couple she was talking to as sir/he/him. I could see how she mistook the very butch lesbian for a guy, but nobody belabored the point. It wasn't pertinent. They were all laughing and enjoying a pleasant conversation while the plane waited almost an hour on the runway.

In my opinion, this element of our shared social contract gave Ronaiah the right to engage with others on Facebook. The dialogue was limited to the kind of conversation you'd have with strangers. Her gender, while relevant to her, was irrelevant to others. She was not attempting to gain anything other than affirmation, which would be impossible to attain in her real-life experience of a conservative, Christian, sport-focused living environment.

Should Ronaiah have stolen images from Dianne O'Meara? No. While that was wrong, it's not even in the same ballpark as the more severe grievances. Is finding some random photos on the web different than the filters now used by hundreds of millions of people every day to make them look like somebody else or different versions of themselves? Not really. Bad form, but understandable given the technology of the time.

Was it deceptive? Yes - but if you take an honest assessment of your current relationships, you'll find deception abounds. How many people agree with you to your face while believing something different? How many people do you engage with at work that you despise but find the strength to be polite? I don't believe that deception in and of itself was the issue with Ronaiah. She presented herself as whom she knew herself to be. That's probably more honest than 20% of the people you call your friends.

As in real life, the level of consent needed to continue dialoguing is proportional to the level of the relationship, and this is where the series left a gaping hole. Ronaiah sending messages to Manti that were in line with what Manti's other friends were telling him required no additional consent.

As soon as the relationship has the potential of becoming intimate is the moment honesty and consent must align. At that moment, Ronaiah should have disclosed that her online identity doesn't match her real-life experience to provide Manti the choice to engage further or end the dialogue.

Did Manti ever officially ask Ronaiah to be his girlfriend? Maybe I missed it, but even if he asked for Ronaiah to be his girlfriend, he was ill-equipped to understand what such a relationship entailed.

While the rest of the world is learning what intimacy is, how relationships work and navigating physical connections, those raised in orthodox religions learn patterns that lead to relationship problems. And while I won't deny there are benefits from not engaging in physical intimacy in your teenage years, this approach has several unintended consequences.

Many religions, including those practiced by Manti and Ronaiah, teach abstinence until you're married. Those who adopt this teaching engage in relationships with no significant growth of intimacy between meeting each other and marriage. I can think of dozens of people whose last date before getting married looked exactly like their first date.

These teachings disrespect any relationship that isn't marriage, which causes terms like girlfriend to get tossed around casually or quickly adopted despite no personal, intimate, or physical contact. Only somebody who believes there is no significant difference between a girlfriend and a female friend would consider the relationship status of Manti and Ronaiah a sexually intimate relationship.

Manti could have avoided this entire ordeal had he known that girlfriend isn't a label you adopt for somebody you've never met. Had his culture permitted personal exploration and growth, he'd have known that a girlfriend represents a deep, intimate, physical bond.

Likewise, Ronaiah could not explore parts of herself, most likely because of her religious affiliation. Had she been able to try on parts of her identity, she could have found the ability to exist in society as herself and develop interpersonal relationships without the guise of an online-only identity. I wish the story had gone into more depth and described her familial reaction to her gender status. I would love to have known why she wasn't allowed to exist as herself in her home and with her family.

Ronaiah was the victim of oppression. Her faith, family, and community taught her that she was not allowed to exist authentically, and her existence was dependent on her ability to only participate in approved behaviors (school, church, football). When you are unable to exist authentically, you develop patterns of behavior that are problematic. It is complex traumatization, and those who are subjected to this trauma are often blamed for the methods they use to survive it.

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