Support for a metal mama and metal kiddo

[Liz Appel]

Hi Efrem, Stephen and pediatric TCM community,

I could really use your support on a case. Thanks for any thoughts you may have on the following: 

I've been treating a family for the last several years, initially with the mom reaching out to me for fertility support 5+ years ago. 

She now has a 3.5 year old daughter and 6 month old son. Mom had 2 devastating miscarriages between the kids and it took about a year of acupuncture and herbs to support her body's ability to become pregnant with her daughter.

Mom and daughter both exhibit pretty extreme metal tendencies (mom has also self "diagnosed" both  herself and child as metal after reading Stephen's book fire child water child when her daughter was about 1.5-2 years old). 

I do home visits and can tell you the house is energetically cold. There is not a feeling of warmth in the home. It's extremely clean. Everything is in its place. Even the play "area" feels sterile. 

The mom grew up in a similarly cold house, with repressive parents that never showed any love or affection. Her parents are extremely critical/judgmental people, especially the mom's mom. 

The mom is affectionate with her baby son and to my recollection was affectionate with the daughter when she was a young baby. Since the daughter began talking and developing an independent personality, the mom is increasingly frustrated by the daughter and always fixated and looking for what's wrong with her, constantly annoyed by her voice when she plays and requests for attention. 

Admittedly the daughter has some issues - but I think so many are related to mirroring and reacting to how she's treated in the home. She's extremely fixated on routine, cannot handle change. She has a hard time

connecting with anyone at her preschool, and mostly talks to the teacher and narrates what goes on. When she's home from school, the mom is constantly telling her to be quiet and not upset the baby.

The toddler only wants carbs and sugar. Mom doesn't like to cook and so supporting her making meals for the family has been a slow process. The daughter rarely eats dinner - which is the one balanced meal of the day. I've recently talked to mom about switching up breakfast and lunch  (which was always an oatmeal bar and pb&j, respectively) to more nutrient dense foods or leftovers from dinner.

Everything with the daughter feels like work for mom and I feel that she resents her for all the care she requires. She has no patience with her and is upset that her daughter interrupts her. I try to remind her that a 3 year old can't be expected to act the same as an adult in conversation or otherwise. 

The baby by the way is fine - totally unphased by the tension in the household (thus far). I've encouraged a slower vaccine schedule - he's already developed constipation and eczema after rotavirus and the first round of prevnar shots. Mom doesn't want to alter the "schedule".

My question is in how to support this family. The mom has very little space to honor her toddler being a kid. 

I've only met the dad a couple times - he also seems

Metal with a bit of earthy softness, bending to the rule of whatever his wife says. She is clearly the boss and judge of the house. 

I've never seen the mom hug or touch the toddler in an affectionate way. She regularly tells me how mad and resentful she is at this child because she wants to run around and make noise when she's home. She also wakes around 6am and wants affection, which mom totally resents. They are constantly at odds and the toddler is becoming more willful with age. 

She's exhibiting more signs of sensory processing disorder - having problems with any clothes on her arms or legs. She's always been a cautious girl - honestly I think initially it was taking cues from her mom - and now she's quick to reject everything.

I've done minimal cupping and mostly herbs with the toddler - which have helped considerably with digestion and sleep regulation. Mostly I'm trying to encourage mom to do massage with her to reestablish a loving touch and healing connection. 

Given there's so much metal extreme -

I've tried to encourage other activities that balance metal. I've encouraged music and creative story time (thinking that fire would soften metal), I've encouraged cooking together and gardening - as something grounding and nurturing to offer an earth element, I've encouraged movement like yoga and dance (mom was an extreme athlete before babies) as a way to connect and honor some wood flexibility.

It's just hard to keep beating around the bush as I find myself feeling frustrated and judgmental that this mom seems to only have and show love for her baby. 

I know the daughter needs focused care but I don't see her bigger issues shifting without a dramatic shift in the relationship with the mom.

I know mom was deficient in affection in her own growing up but seems to be passing this on. She's recently been more open to therapy for herself and looking at how her actions / mood may play a role in her daughter's issues. 

Mom herself has always been very blood deficient.

No overt eating disorders but she's always been very thin and obsessed with workouts and feels she can only release tension via extreme sweating. 

She was actually a hot yoga instructor when we first started treatment and the realization that it was negatively affecting her fertility and overall health totally crushed her. 

I've supported mom to do some more Yin yoga but it's not "intense" enough for her. 

I've encouraged mom to find community with other moms but she has a hard time connecting with people - extremely judgmental about all the ways people are parenting "wrong" and don't understand her alternative choices (I've educated mom about limiting gluten, dairy and processed foods/sugar, the kids don't take antibiotics or other Western medications and so mom feels like an outsider from mainstream culture even though there are plenty of holistic mom communities) 

I am running out of encouraging options and attempts at bringing or showing her the levity in their life. 

There's an extreme sense of scarcity and fear underneath all of this that has everything feeling tense and controlled. 

Thanks for your thoughts 

Liz Appel