Searching for meaning (or a silver lining maybe)

[keir.jane]

Hey guys,

As you know I've been going through some stressful stuff, and it feels like I've been hit with a lot at once. I hope that I am not the depressing group member, and hope that you don't dread reading my posts...like "oh no, not sad Jane again" :-) I have had to put on a brave face for my students, my bosses, etc. and I really value this space that we have created where you have allowed me to be very honest about how I am doing/feeling. It is precious and has been very helpful. 

For this whip around, I want to ask you about your philosophies regarding what it means when bad things happen in our lives. I have been reflecting on this a lot. Is there meaning in this? Is there a lesson to be learned or a warning of some sort? Is it all random and doesn't mean anything? Does life simply have its ups and its downs, is fate random, or is there a higher power controlling everything? Do we bring misfortune upon ourselves?

I've always liked the "wheel of fortune" referenced in Midiveal literature, where at one moment you could be the King at the top of the wheel, and the next, as the wheel spins, you could be a peasant crushed under the weight of the wheel. (I love literary symbolism). This is the explanation on Wikipedia -- "The Wheel of Fortune, or Rota Fortunae, is a concept in medieval and ancient philosophy referring to the capricious nature of Fate. The wheel belongs to the goddess Fortuna, who spins it at random, changing the positions of those on the wheel - some suffer great misfortune, others gain windfalls. Fortune appears on all paintings as a woman, sometimes blindfolded, "puppeteering" a wheel." I also like my student Luis' perspective, he said, "Miss Keir, you've had it bad lately, but that's good. I think it means that something great is going to happen to you soon, like you're going to meet your husband. These bad things are happening to you so that you become humble and can recognize when a good thing comes into your life -- otherwise you might miss it." I love my students! They're awesome!

I'm sure we have all been through some challenging times and I was wondering if you could please share with me how you got through them, and was there a silver lining in the end? Did you learn a great lesson from those hard times or was it simply a bad twist of fate? What is your philosphy on why bad things happen?

Will love,

Jane

[Amy Berkhoudt]

Dear Jane, all, 

Thank you for writing this Whiparound. It really forces me to dig deep and write out a thoughtful response. Again, my condolences for all your hardships, Jane. I'm sorry you're having such a rough and turbulent time :(

I'd like to lay down the "blank slate" rule where everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. Jane, I really respect your point of view and that of your student. They are insightful and helpful for me to think through how I want to answer this question. 

So, I will come out and say I am strongly against the idea of predestination (Calvinism, Wheel of Fortune, Fate, etc.). The Calvary Chapel (the denomination) -- the Christian church we visited in Philly -- comes from the Calvinist tradition. You heard traces of this philosophy when the woman worship leader told her story about being thankful for missing her son's arts and crafts night because she knew God was probably protecting her for a car crash and when the pastor urged his congregation never to worry because we cannot change things. 

My little brother, Tony, was diagnosed with Marfan's syndrome (the genetic disorder Abe Lincoln probably had) when he was 13 and I was 17. He is the first and only on either side of my family to have it. We had to move to a new island with a better pediatric team and Tony's life changed drastically. He has monthly, sometimes weekly, doctors check ups. He's had spinal surgery and heart surgery in the past 4 years. He takes a cocktail of medications every morning, afternoon, and night. He can no longer surf, run, or play contact sports. He missed months of high school and a year of college due to surgery complications. The list goes on. 

My mother asked me one day, while Tony was in the pediatric ICU, if Tony's sickness was her fault. She said she might have done something wrong in her life and that is what led to this punishment. And then she asked me if there are evil spirits in our house. She questioned a vase she brought home from South Korea with a picture of a dragon on it. Maybe dragons are actually a sign of evil and not luck, she said. Maybe God is angry with her and punishing her. Maybe it my biological father's fault and that he had bad blood in his genes. 

My mother was trying to rationalize something that cannot be rationalized. She wanted there to be meaning to the suffering, to something that seemed so unfair, to something that seemed so unjust. If you knew my mother, you would know how strong she is... yet, these questions sound so helpless and so hopeless. 

To end, I want to share with you how that these experiences have changed me. Between my mother and my brother, we have carved out a deep well of trust. There are days that we are all fearful. He is afraid of going blind from his disease. He is afraid of having children in possibly passing on his disease. She is afraid of losing her son. I am afraid of losing my brother. But when we are afraid we call on each other and we know that we are family. We know that life is unfair. It is temporary. But we're in this together. The average life expectancy of someone who has Marfan's syndrome used to be 25-28 years old. With new medications, that person can now live to about 40 years old. Tony just turned 21 years old. 

Jane, we are all dying a little bit everyday. Some are dying faster than others. But we are also living every day. To truly live, I believe we should surround, confide, immerse ourselves with people we want to be living with. We're in this together. 

Love,

Amy 

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Amy Berkhoudt

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Program Co-Director

Detroit Food & Entrepreneurship Academy

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[Nicole Wellman]

Hey everyone,

Jane-I also want to thank you for sharing honestly and letting us into your thought process.  I think your search for answers is a testament to what a strong-willed, intelligent person you are.  You posed so many BIG, meaning of life questions.  Although I am drained from jet lag and the first day back to work after a long weekend, I find myself extremely at peace trying to dig deep to answer these questions.  And Amy, thank you for sharing your brother Tony's story with us. I am inspired by you and your family.

My first big thought to these weighing questions is I don't know the answer.  I consider myself a spiritual person in the sense that I truly hope that there is something greater than us.  I don't believe that one religion or another is correct in believing that their story of life and afterlife is the only true one, but instead I think of religion in a cultural way/a traditional way/ a way that ties us to our ancestors and to others and to belief in goodness in people and to service.

I also don't think I believe in "fate" or "fortuna".  To me, that takes away the glory of the human brain and free will, which I think are two of the most spectacular things on earth. I can't imagine a world where I don't make my own choices. 

Several big events in my high school years shaped my views on this.  I lost 4 good friends in 3 separate car crashes by May of my senior year of high school. 3 at age 16 and 1 at age 17.  In particular, the loss of my 4th friend, also named Nicole, whom was one of the brightest lights in this world I have ever known, who lived each day with a warm spirit and a smile, truly shocked and rattled me.  She was on her way home from track practice at 4 p.m. in front of our high school, stopped at a red light, when a driver high on prescription drugs and alcohol did not brake.  As I was grieving and trying to celebrate her, people all around me would tell me that "Everything happens for a reason". People would repeat that over and over to me.  I could not help but anger at that statement--Why would a beautiful, selfless 17 year olds' life be taken away? I just could never fully grasp that, and I still think that this (and other evils like war and hatred) hold me back from believing in fate.

I do believe, however, in the goodness of people and the human spirit. I am still searching for answers too, Jane, and I think you pose these great questions that most people think about their whole lives.  I KNOW that I don't know. And, for once my questioning and analyzing seems like the right place to be in. I will echo what Amy said about living each day surrounded with good people and with purpose.  In fact, in her last English paper that she wrote in high school, my friend Nicole wrote "Take chances. You'll wish you had later. Live a little more and fear a little less. You create your tomorrow, today." I think when bad things happen it is easy to carry a cloud over our heads and approach things with negativity when it is the time you really need optimism the most. 

For anyone that likes a soul searching read, my best friend is really searching for what she believes right now, and I have been a listener in the process.  She wanted to read this book, Proof of Heaven  by Eben Alexander, so I read it as well, so that we could talk about it.  It is a very interesting, easy read. http://www.amazon.com/Proof-Heaven-Neurosurgeons-Journey-Afterlife/dp/1451695195

Love,
Nicole

Nicole Wellman
- - - - - - - - - - -
wellman...@gmail.com
(602) 377-2910

[Jess Marker]

Good Day All,

Jane, thanks so much for your candid and honest acknowledgement of your current place and space with all of us, and for allowing us all to weigh in on such a sensitive and emotional topic so openly.  I must say, each of the reflections so far has spoken to me and touched me deeply and it's honestly been a blessing to come back from a long week and weekend of work travel to have to dig deep and reflect on something so grounding, yet unifying. Amy, thank you for opening up your family and your family's story to us and Nicole, thank you for sharing such a personal and difficult story with us as well.

This topic was actually a blessing for me, as my mom is currently in town and the person in my life who absolutely has overcome this most challenges of anyone know, and call on her advice and perspective. 

Over the course of my mom’s life, she’s been kidnapped, abused, miseducated, divorced, lost my dad (he died when I was 15) and lost a child at birth (who would have been my older sister, Ilana).  She also lost her father a few months ago. Because of all of this, and through the daily/weekly and monthly struggles that all of us go through, she to me, is a model of overcoming obstacles, staying grounded in what matters most and living through hardships through love and forgiveness.

This morning I asked her, what her philosophy is on when bad things happen in our lives and what she has learned from overcoming obstacles and hardships, injustices that have happened to her.  She responded with, "Tough times happen to everyone is you live long enough.  What I have learned, is it's really your perception, how you frame, it that makes it bearable and you have to stick through it. You have to belief that's there is another side.  And it’s the people that surround yourself- the relationships you have that see you through it… for your dad, because of what you, your sister and I went through, we became stronger as a result."

Although my mom has overcome great hardships, she has devoted her life to helping those overcome their own.  She works in Hospice and day in and day out works with families who are grappling with loosing a loved one.  What Amy said really resonated with me, “we are all dying a little bit each day” - it is who we are living alongside and how we are spending the moments we have, that allow us to move through the hardships, perhaps make meaning from them (maybe not), but with perspective, people and purpose.

And I also agree with Nicole, I don't have the right answer here or know the right path - I know I likely never will, and that my thoughts will evolve and develop with each hardship I overcome overtime.  But from where I sit today, and from my own experience of overcoming hardship – losing my dad at age 15 and loosing a best friend at age 22 – my mom’s thoughts deeply struck a chord with me.  I have experienced great hardship and undoubtedly will again, and likely again, and likely again, if I live long enough.  And what will I rely on to get me though? My mom, my sister, my husband, my friends who are like family and undoubtedly my perception and what that means for my life and the living I do each and every day.  How do I use my health, my talents, my strengths and my relationships to create a meaningful life for myself and others?  These are questions I try to ask myself everyday – on the good days and the bad – and let it shape the thoughts, feelings and actions I take – typically for me, manifest in a call to tell a loved one that I love them, finding deep meaning in my work, and finding myself in downward dog trying to find balance and breath.

[Jesse Fetbroth]

Hi everyone,

Well, this is hard.

Jane, I appreciate the opportunity to answer such a hard question, and Amy, Nicole, and Jess, I so appreciate your honesty and openness.  Similar to Amy, I'm going to very much defer to the "blank slate" rule, because any insight I might provide into this is deeply personal, and, in turn, very limited.  I hope you all will feel free to comment on anything that you might vehemently disagree with, but please know I'm attempting to answer this solely in terms of my own personal beliefs.

I've always really hated the idea of "everything happens for a reason."  Quite simply, there are just too many things that I can't imagine a reason for.  Of course, I always understood the sentiment behind it-- much like Amy said, we try to rationalize things that can't be rationalized.  We look for comfort in something, anything, because the alternative is just too sad.  

In the past few years, I've seen REALITY and Teach For America stress the importance of our "stories of self."  We've all been asked to reflect on the experiences, relationships, events, etc. that have shaped who we are today.  I remember being asked to think about this for the first time during the first two days of my REALITY trip to Israel.  My immediate reaction to this request was "thanks, but no thanks."  I didn't think my personal story was in any way a representation of the person I was at that time, and actually believed that I was who I was in spite of the things I had experienced up until that point.  After a few doses of REALITY and a little growing up, I've definitely come to see how much the experiences, relationships, and events in my life have informed who I am. It has informed who I am as a person, a friend, a significant other, a relative, a human, and so on and so forth.  I think most important for me in the time since this realization, though, has been the distinction between informing and defining.  The pain I have experienced in my 25 years of life has informed very much who I am as a person.  It has informed the way I think, feel, love, act, respond, etc.  But it has not defined me.  

What I've found interesting over the past few years is that for the majority of people whose story of self I've had the privilege of hearing, the stories they've shared are very much tied to pain, trauma, sadness.  We've all experienced so much sadness.  We're hardwired for this stuff, and there's certainly no comparing-- no spectrum of suffering.  I firmly believe what you have is what you have, and for most people the opportunity to see the connection between their past and present life has been very liberating.  But I've also seen a flip side.  I've seen people take their past experiences and traumas not as a connecting link, but as a mirror.  I'm sure it's not clear what I mean, but I'll do my best to explain.  I've seen people who experienced abuse as children believe that they are forever broken as a result.  I've seen people betrayed in relationships believe they are not worthy or capable of being loved.  I've seen people view their pain and despair as a representation of who they are as people, instead of considered how much their identity might instead lay in how they respond to that pain and how they move forward.

Now clearly what I'm explaining is very simplistic, and much easier said than done.  And in response to Jane's main question, I will never be able to understand why life is so challenging.  But I think it continually gives us opportunities to determine how we will define ourselves by responding to, learning from, and moving on from our heartaches.  A friend sent me this quote last week, and I think it's fitting:

"There is a beautiful Tibetan myth that helps us to accept our sadness as a threshold to all that is life-changing and lasting.  This myth affirms that all spiritual warriors have a broken heart- alas, must have a broken heart- because it is only through the break that the wonder and mysteries of life can enter us."

I think we wish we all had more of an answer, but maybe the most we can ask is that this week's prompt provide us a little comfort in the face of the challenges we have, currently are, or may face in the future.  From what I've read, it sounds like we're all on our way to becoming spiritual warriors in our own right.

Love,

Jesse

Jesse Fetbroth

781.696.8402

[Candace Burckhardt]

Hello friends!

Wow - this Pause has really made me think all week, and I am still struggling to put into words all of the competing theories and thoughts swimming around in my head. 

Growing up I was raised as an evangelical Christian. I was told time and time again that God had a plan for everything and to trust in God that everything would turn out just fine. In some ways, this was easy to accept as I was able to operate without accountability for my problems. As I grew older though and my relationship to Christianity changed, I have completely rejected this theory as it allows for too much complacency in our world. 

After the Reality Reboot, I was driving up from Milwaukee to Medford and got stuck in a huge snow storm. I started crying in my car and grieving all of the change that has occurred in my life over the past year: marriage, 3 moves, 4 job changes, and a lot of general instability. I turned on the radio and the only station was playing a country song called "Be Grateful" by The Farm. Lately, I have been processing the difficult things in my life by also equally considering all that I am grateful for: my fantastic husband, two healthy dogs, parents, mobility, friendships with some really fantastic people, etc. 

Acknowledging when times are shitty, and then practicing gratitude and giving is my coping mechanism for dealing with life's little lemons. 

Shabbat shalom!

Candace

P.S. - Here is that country song if you want to hear it: www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4iKvQCWjwI

[Aaron Burgess]

Hey Everyone,

Wow. This is not an easy topic to discuss, and I admire all of you for being so open. (We all know I am working to get where you guys already are.) Let me start by saying I am not a religious person. Sure, I identify as culturally jewish, but not religiously. I was a science teacher, with a science background, and I believe that most things can be explained. I remember asking my kids why they thought our heads were round and not squares and the most common response was "because God made us that way." I do not believe in God. Actually, I think the correct term for me is not atheist, but rather agnostic. I do not know. There comes a point in our lives when we are faced with things that we do not know the answer to. Why are our heads round? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do people die? Death jumps to the top of my list. It scares me. Why? Because I don't know about it and it is impossible to without putting a blinding faith into something that again cannot be explained. I think you all heard the story about my 7th grader Abria who died along with her 1 year old brother in a house fire. I spent a lot of time trying to explain it. Why her? Why now? The easiest answers to those questions would come from looking up to a power and simply saying "it was her time." or "there is a plan." That can be comforting to some, and I believe it is why religion exists. To explain the unexplainable. I have come to a point where I accept that there are some things that I can not explain. And when these things happen, I usually go back a reflect on the true fragility of life. NO matter how bad my life gets, I know there are literally billions of people who would love to be in my shoes. When I lose someone special or close to me I think of other people of have lost more. These things are not easy. I wish I had a blind faith because  feel like it would make grappling with these problems much easier. But I don't, which leaves me to to accept that somethings cannot be explained, and focus on the good things I still have.

Aaron 

Aaron Taylor Burgess
Goldman School of Public Policy
University of California - Berkeley
M.P.P. Candidate
(720) 273-9993