First whip-around of May!

[Jesse Fetbroth]

Hey everyone!

Happy Monday!  I hope you all had a nice weekend.

Lately, the biggest conversation topic in my universe has been around family- what it means to be family, our responsibilities around family, and so on.  I think this is a deeply personal (and somewhat controversial) topic, but such is the purpose of this little REALITY Check community we've created, so I want to invite you all to the table to hear your thoughts.

To make a long story short, I "lost" my family when I was a junior in high school.  Unstable had always been the name of the game in my household, but when my mother finally decided to divorce my father, the word took on a whole new meaning.  For example, my sister did not speak to my mother and me for 7 years, which is particularly crazy given that she's only 1 year younger than me.  While the silence has technically been broken, our "relationship" is limited to the 1-2 times a year my mother attempts to bring us together to try and create a semblance of family.  I'll spare you the details, but my relationships with my brother and father are no farther along.  The only thing that binds us altogether at this point is blood.  And I'm completely ok with that.

This is the point where you probably all let out a collective gasp.  I promise, I'm not as cold-hearted as you may be thinking I am right now.  Unfortunately, my immediate family has always been a pretty big pain point for me, instead of a point of love, memory, comfort, etc.  Why I’m so ok with this, though, is because I’ve created a really amazing “family” of my own in return—a family that transcends DNA (though I do have biological family members who I very much consider my family), and involves incredible people who have taught me more about love, loyalty, and connection than anyone deserves in one life time.  Even more, I feel incredibly lucky and grateful to have such an amazing “family” to call my own.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve believed (very strongly) that family is something you earn, not something automatic.  Some people believe (just as strongly) that biological family trumps all—that it is the strongest and most important connection anyone can have.  These people also tend to believe that you should do everything in your power to keep this connection intact, and to exercise forgiveness, understanding, and care as much as humanly possible.  I just don't happen to feel that way.

So what do you all think?  How do you define family?  What do you believe are our responsibilities and/or commitments around family?  Please feel free to be as honest and blunt as you feel appropriate—I’m genuinely interested to hear your thoughts.

Love,
Jesse

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Jesse Fetbroth

781.696.8402

[Aaron Burgess]

Hey Everyone, and thanks Jesse for this and sharing your personal story. For me, I have a small family. My parents, one brother and myself. My mom was an only child, and my Dad's brother never married. No first cousins, no long list of names to include on graduation announcements. I absolutely agree that family is something you work for, and something you create, but I also feel as if there is an element of it that is given. Perhaps it is because I was raised by two parents who worked together as co-directors of a peace and conflict resolution organization, but I have always felt a connection to my family that I never had to earn or prove. Growing up I fought a lot with my brother, but I always knew he was part of me. I know that whatever the circumstances my family will be there for me, and I will be there for them. 

I do also agree that family is something you create. I do not live anywhere near my family. Parents are still in Colorado and as of two weeks ago my brother is in Alaska. The people I see on a daily basis, my fellow students, my roommates, my friends, these are the people that take place of family when they are away. I still, for whatever reason, don't hold them as close to my heart as my family. (That is not to say I dont care about them, I do) 

Family for me, will always be my parents, my brother (and in July Annie, my brothers fiancé) and my grandpa (as well as a few second cousins who are awesome.) My friends that I am close with are part of my community. A community I care about, a community I rely on, a community that supports me and a community that challenges me.. but still just a community, not a family.

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Aaron Taylor Burgess
Goldman School of Public Policy
University of California - Berkeley
M.P.P. Candidate
(720) 273-9993

[Candace Burckhardt]

Family. Ahhh. Shit. 

You had to go there, huh, Jesse? Just kidding (except only kind of). Family is a complicated thing for me. I have three officially now that I am married (my husband's parents are divorced). Now that I've moved back to Wisconsin where 95% of my family is located things have become even more difficult. For example, with Mother's Day weekend coming on Sunday, I am forced to choose between three different women to celebrate. I chose my husband's mother and we are taking her and my father-in-law to our cabin this weekend to celebrate her for Mother's Day as well as my husband's birthday. This has caused anger in the heart of my mother, especially because I will not be attending my extended's family's celebration in Madison. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Truthfully, I cannot stand any of my extended family on my mother's side. I wouldn't bail any of them out of jail or answer the phone if they called me and I feel incredibly bad about that because of the sadness my mother feels regarding my dislike of my extended family. 

The people I consider family that I would truly do just about anything for include my husband, dogs, dad, in-laws, and my brother and sister-in-law's families. They are just such incredible people to hang out with and always positive about life. There is little drama or expectation other than sharing a meal or a funny text message. I don't feel gossiped about or judged. Essentially, I know they are my friends and also my family. 

Okay. Time to go talk to my therapist about my mother issues. :-)

Candace 

[Nicole Wellman]

Thanks for sharing on such a personal and emotional topic. 

Ideally, family to me is when I feel at home and completely comfortable.  Family is when I feel like I am fully supported.  My immediate family- mom, dad, and brother (3 1/2 years younger) make me feel this way.

That being said, I LOVE the rest of my family and I would do anything I could to help them or stand by their side. But, there are only a few more family members than my immediate family that give me that same feeling of "being fully supported and at home". My two sets of grandparents (I know, I am extremely rare and lucky) and one of my cousins fall under this group.

As far as family commitments go, I think family is required to be loyal to family. Here's why--if the family member is going through a hard time, family should want to help. Who else will help and support if family doesn't?  Now, I know there are exceptions to this rule, and I also know that my life experiences have shaped the way I feel about this.  When I was a freshman/sophomore in high school, my dad got tried for a white-collar crime.  The process was grueling on me, my brother, and my mom.  It was then and there that I learned the reality of "fairweather" family and friends and the true meaning of being loyal to someone.  The family who disassociated, told my mom she had to leave my dad, friends who didn't invite me over anymore. Loyalty and family are associated to me, and have come to mean a whole lot to me. 

To me, friends definitely become family. I really believe that friends are the family that you choose, and that makes it incredibly special.  Since I associate loyalty and trust to my definition of family, a few of my best friends are people I definitely consider family.

Nicole Wellman
- - - - - - - - - - -
wellman...@gmail.com
(602) 377-2910

[Amy Berkhoudt]

Hi everyone,

Can I just say, there is no group of people/person I have ever felt more connected to through email than you all. These whiparounds are always so deep and you all answer them so honestly and carefully. Thank you for that.

Family. Wow. Just trying to piece all of it together into a single narrative is hard for me. It's all kind of disjointed in my head so I'm going to try to make a timeline. Here are some of the pieces:

1. My parents are immigrants. My father was born in a Dutch colony in Indonesia (he's half Dutch, half Indonesian). He moved to America when he was 16, joined the US Army and was stationed in Korea where he met my mom.
   
2. He was an English language teacher and my mother was one of his students (scandal! they're 11 years apart in age). 
3. They married and were stationed in Anchorage, Alaska where I was born.
4. We moved to Colorado Springs when I was 4 and my little brother was born
5. They divorced soon after and agreed on joint custody; my mother moved to Hawaii
   
6. I spent Kindergarten in Colorado, First grade in Hawaii, Second grade in Colorado, Third, Fourth, and Fifth grade in Hawaii; summers of each in Colorado, Sixth grade in Colorado, Seventh - Twelth grade on in Hawaii
   
7. My little brother traveled with me the entire time and I took care of him because both my parents were single-working parents
8. My maternal grandmother -- who didn't speak a lick of English -- sometimes traveled with us as our caretaker... but I felt like I was mostly taking care of her as well (airports were traumatic as an 8 year-old with a scared little brother and a scared grandma)
9. I didn't get along with her because she came from the traditional mindset that girls are worthless and boys are the best. She would do things that Americans would cringe at (i.e. never acknowledging me in a room; never waving goodbye to me; etc)
   
10. She died when I was 14 and I don't remember much of her.
    

There's another part of my family that I have a really hard time talking about. I have an ex-stepdad who adopted me when he married my mother when I was 8 and then disowned me when I was 17 because he wanted to divorce my mother (he was cheating on her and married the new woman 2 months after the divorce). He had three children from his previous marriage (before my mother) and I am still very close to all three of my step-siblings. In fact, we call each other just brother and sister rather than step-brother/sister. The divorce drew us strangely closer. However, I haven't talked to my stepdad for about 10 years and counting. Can you believe that? He was basically my dad for most of my adolescence and one day he just stopped returning my phone calls. Candace, I hear you on the therapy sessions. Phew. I'm not sure how to feel about it so I don't think about it much. 

This is a lot of sad stuff. On the bright side, I really love my mother. She and I have gotten closer over the years and so has my relationship with my little brother. I would say that I am SO close to my family and that we're all friends and we like each other. That is to say, I am close with my little brother, mother, and step-siblings. My biological father is a really nice guy, but I don't know him very well.

OK! You know what I've noticed after writing all of this? I don't sit still for longer than 3 years in any one place. And I don't make close friends. I make kind of close friends and then I pack my bags and leave. I am open with everyone, but not really. I NEVER talk about the stuff I just told you all about in this email. That's freaky to me. I don't think I even talk to my boyfriend about this stuff. OMG and I just realized this email is sooooooo long! Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. Yeash, I'm a wreck. I'm just gonna send this before I change my mind.

Anyway, not sure how I feel right now, but I think I'm glad I just shared this stuff.

Love,

amy

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Amy Berkhoudt

Cell: 808 283 3335

amy.be...@gmail.com

 

Program Co-Director

Detroit Food & Entrepreneurship Academy

http://www.detroitfoodacademy.com

[Marker, Jessica]

Hey Team,

 

Thanks for the topic Jesse- and thanks to all those who shared so openly, honesty and candidly thus far.  Really important stuff, my friends - hard, yucky, yet beautiful stuff.

 

My family too, has a tricky, sad and whinding past and when I think about Jesse's two questions, How do you define family and what are our responsibilities/commitments around family... all sorts of complicated history and thoughts come to mind. 

 

Growing up I had my mom, my dad and my little sister, and a pretty wide extended family on my dad's side- 4 half sisters on my dad's side and many cousins, neices and nephews and then a pretty small extended family on my mom's.  I remember growing up and LOVING to spend time with my dad's side of the family - they were younger, hiper and we'd do all sorts of fun things together.  I used to hate visiting with my mom's side of the family - they lived in rural Nevada and literally the high points of those trips would be my sister and I playing with red ants outside my great-grandma's trailer, vising a store that sold rocks and the dairy queen.  Visiting with my dad's side of the family would always trump spending time with my mom's in my 8 year old mind.

 

However, as Jesse notes, my parent's marriage was always unstable, and so when the divorce announcement was made when I was 9, I was devistated, but not surprised.  It was a terrible divorce- the kind that makes you cringe in the movies.  This severed my relationship with my dad and when he passed away when I was 15, it was still in disrepair (something that is with me everyday).  His death also severed our extended family on his side- people were horrible to each other and as a 15 year old, watching how these adults treated each other, my sister and I, and most importantly my mom made me realize that there needed to be more to family than just connection through blood and the fun, cool, hip stuff together.  A family is love that trumphs materialism, that holds respect, responsiblity, care and sacrifice for each other.  I remeber realizing that even though my mom's side of the family had little to offer in terms of material goods and "fun" - they loved each other, respected each other and sacrificed for each other, and that they are they family that have been there my mom, my sister and I each step of the way. 

 

When I was 15, and my dad died, my family dynamics changed drastically - I not only no longer had him around, I lost his whole half of the family, my mom started working two jobs, and money for the first time in my life became a really big issue for us.  My mom became a model of sacrifice, courage and strength for me and those next few years were very tough on the three of us.

 

So, when I think about how I define family, I think mostly about love transcending all else- I think of commitment and sacrifice.  And as I look to building my own family with Jon- I think about the sacrifices I need to be prepared to make, the types of friends/community and networks that we need to surround ourselves with - to make us stronger- and what we have to constantly work at, to give, to get and transcend, so that our love, our committments and our responsiblities to each other come first.

 

Love and trust with you all,

Jess

 

 

 

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From: Checkw...@googlegroups.com [mailto:Checkw...@googlegroups.com] On Behalf Of Amy Berkhoudt
Sent: Monday, May 06, 2013 8:41 PM
To: Candace Burckhardt
Cc: Checkw...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Re: First whip-around of May!

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[Jane Keir]

Dear friends,

I apologize for my delayed response and my absences in these whiparounds! My father has been sick for the past few weeks and since he is elderly and has heart disease I was very afraid of losing him. Fortunately, he had emergency surgery and is now doing a lot better! I don't know if I've shared this yet, but my father and I are very close. I have always known that my father loves me and that is priceless. He always supports my dreams no matter what I say I want to do (be a writer, work in global health, do TFA, move to New Zealand, become Jewish). He always says "great! I think you'd be great at that, go do it."

When I decided that I wanted to buy my house in Denver, I could afford it, but couldn't get qualified for the loan without my dad co-signing for me. He said great and now he lives with me. He has his own apartment in the basement and we share the kitchen upstairs. I have been wanting him to live with me for awhile because as a single older man, he wasn't taking great care of himself. I couldn't take him in until I was ready to stop moving around every few years (Amy, I can identify with what you wrote about moving often and having to leave friends behind.)

Now for the first time in a long time, I feel like I finally have a family. It's not very traditional but I love it. My family is my father, and my my two doggies Cosette and Mr. Darcy. I want to expand my family to include a husband and kids but for now I have what I need. I love coming home to them and the home we've built.

Why am I building a home with father, you may ask? Well I too am a child of a broken home. My parents got divorced when I was 13 years old and it was terrible. My father moved out and it was just me and my mother and my two brothers left in the house. Since my brother's are both disabled my mother spent all her time and energy caring for them. She was full or anger and hatred during that time and took it all out on me. I had to take care of the family by buying the groceries and cooking dinners and putting my brothers to bed etc. My mother hated me because my father loved me and I think she was jealous. I would walk in the door after school and she would just yell at me. I had to put a pad lock on my bedroom door to lock her out. I didn't move in with my father (even though he wanted me to) because I knew that if I did, I would never forgive my mother and I would never have a relationship with her. I also thought if I moved with my dad he would spoil me (because he thinks I'm awesome) and I wouldn't have the motivation to succeed on my own.

My senior year, my mom got cancer and I had to take care of my family even more. No one in my family knew or cared who I was as long as I was taking care of them. When I got into college, they were surprised because they didn't even bother to notice that I had applied. I left at 18 and wanted to take care of myself for once. I moved all over the world and had a blast (Australia, New Zealand, Europe, and Asia). It was nice to be self absorbed for awhile.

I think I used to resent my brothers because I had to take care of them when no one was taking care of me -- but now we have great relationships. They have both thanked me for being there for them during our childhoods. I am the matriarch of the family, even though my mother is alive and involved -- everyone comes to me for help or advice. My mother and I (after years of our own personal therapy) have become close and have a good relationship. Although she does still push my buttons and stresses me out like no one else can. I love her and my brothers.

Family is tough and I know that my parents' divorce is why I am not married yet. I also know that having to take care of my brothers when I was young is why I still haven't had kids yet. For a long time I didn't want kids because I had already raised two (my brothers). I didn't want marriage because I was scared of divorce. Now I feel very happy and healed on this front. I want marriage and kids and to build a great family and home life of my own. It's just hard to chose a trusted partner. How do you know when a person is worth having as a life partner?

I agree that friends are important because they are like the family you get to choose. The only problem is that I've recently grown apart from the friends that I've had for years. I thought they would be friends forever, but the fact is that we have grown into very different people and I think that's okay, especially because I have been making new friendships (aligned with my values) along the way!

With love,

Jane

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