Whip Around 4-8-13

[keir.jane]

Hey Friends,

I'm posting the whip around this week because Amy sounded busy in her last email and this group is all about love and support. 

For me, one of the most impactful exercises we did in Israel was the one where we listed out our values and had to narrow them down to only 3. This was very difficult for me and taught me a lot about myself. I really loved learning about the philosophy that our values must be aligned with our actions in order to sustain us as lifelong leaders. I have been trying to keep my 3 values in mind as I searched for a new job and as I work to create my theory of change and my project.

My values are (in no particular order) 1. financial security, 2. happiness (which I used as a blanket statement to include like a hundred things like friendships, travel, time for hobbies and interests, love, etc.) and 3. health.

Ever since our time in Israel (I went in 2012), it has been my goal to become a sex educator for Planned Parenthood. I came very close to making this a reality, but I couldn't follow through with it because it didn't align to all of my values. I had to be honest with myself, that being paid only $13.50/hr. is not aligned with my value of financial security. Even though I believe in the work, and would enjoy the day to day -- I wouldn't be happy due to the stress of not having enough money to pay my mortgage, car payment, student loans, etc. The teaching job I took for next year, was also a pay cut, but I should at least be able to pay my bills. Plus, I will be able a little sex education to my biology students and that way I will still be making the impact I was looking for. Trying to find a job, or anything in life that is aligned to our values is difficult, but very worthwhile.

What I am asking you to share (if you feel comfortable) is:

1. what are your 3 main values

2. have you been true to them lately with your job choices, theory of change, project, etc. 

I am looking forward, as always to reading your responses!

With love,

Jane

[Candace Burckhardt]

Hey Jane, 

How funny that you brought this topic up. Two weeks ago I sat down with my husband and we both independently narrowed in on our top 5 values, then we came back together to discuss what we had both decided. Interestingly, we both picked 4 of the exact same values. It was such an eye opening moment for me in my relationship to realize how attuned we are to each other and our vision for our relationship. I'd totally recommend doing it with your partner if you have one and have never done that. 

Our top 4 values were: 1) Adventure, 2) Financial security, 3) Quality relationships, and 4) Meaningful work. These definitely can come into conflict with each other. For example, we have to balance our love of adventure with having financial security. For both of us, we are in jobs that we love for the first time in over 5 years. We are on the path back toward financial security after 2012 that was filled with our wedding, moving from Costa Rica to San Francisco and San Francisco back to Wisconsin, buying furniture and cars again, job insecurity, etc. One area that I really struggle with, but am trying to improve at is creating quality relationships. Since I have moved so much as a kid and adult, I have difficulty sustaining friendships and always try to self-sabotage my relationships. This is certainly something that has taken me several years to figure out about myself, and they say admitting you have a problem is the first step, so I am excited to move forward. 

Candace

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[Aaron Burgess]

Hey Everyone!

I for one think it is rather impossible to boil down my values into 3 things that matter most to me. I didn't really like the exercise because I don't like to boil myself down into something so simplistic and trivial. That said, I did it. my top 10 were: advancement and promotion, adventure, family, helping society, leadership, meaningful work, personal development, recognition, reputation. 

I have been thinking about these values when I am looking for jobs. I have always said, as a policy "generalist" that I can get myself interested in most projects if I feel they are having a meaningful and clear impact. I like to see results. That is why working in a classroom was great, because you could see results and progress each and every day. But for me, I felt as if I was not living up to my potential. I felt great about the impact I was having with 100 students per year, but I felt I could do more. So I went to graduate school. Even the project I am working on now, I am very excited about because I know it is going to be used by policy makers and it is going to make a difference in the world. So as I look for jobs I am definitely keeping these values in mind. 

Aaron

--

Aaron Taylor Burgess
Goldman School of Public Policy
University of California - Berkeley
M.P.P. Candidate
(720) 273-9993

[Jesse Fetbroth]

Hey everyone,

When I did this during the relationship values session in DC during our last reunion, I believe my top 3 values were as follows: close relationships, stability/security, and happiness.

I've pretty much always lived my life in accordance with the first- my life is my relationships, friendships, family (which I know I've told you all before).  The second one, stability/security, is more and more on my radar lately, as I've seen it come into direct conflict with some of my other top values (such as doing meaningful work).  I originally meant stability in terms of familial/personal stability, but that has begun to include financial security as well.  All of the work that draws me in the most (any and all forms of public service), comes with the reality of a pretty low (financial) standard of living.  While I used to be OK with this, I've begun to realize how much this comes into conflict with other values of mine, such as having a family, living a healthy, stable life, etc.  

In terms of happiness, I think I live this value out pretty well in my personal life, but not so much professionally.  That may be a never-ending battle for me.

Right now, I'm deep in the midst of figuring out what it'll mean for me to live according to the values of close relationships and happiness next year.  I gave you all a little teaser about Boston, but basically, Zach and I had planned to move there this year and I was so excited.  All of my closest friends are there, along with my mom, and I was so ready to be back in an area I had a deep connection to.  Long story short, Zach got a very bad job offer (an offer we were banking on), and so he has decided to stay in Chicago at his school for another year.  Unfortunately, I'm still not sure what this means for me.  I had all my eggs in the Boston basket, and was full-speed ahead on the Boston train emotionally, mentally, physically.  So, now I need to figure out- do I stay in Chicago one more year and put off everything I had been planning on?  Do I move to Boston anyway and wait for Zach (who has already agreed to make Boston happen the next year)?  This decision actually rests entirely on my values-- I just have to figure out which decision will tip the values scale, even if ever so slightly.  Stay tuned, folks.

:)

Jesse

Jesse Fetbroth

781.696.8402

[Aaron Burgess]

Oh my... this is like a suspenseful romantic comedy movie trailer... Looking forward to seeing how it plays out. Good luck Jesse, that's tough!

[Nicole Wellman]

Hi all!

VALUES.

On our call tonight, I was really struck by Brian's articulation of how it is hard it is to change yourself.

"If we can learn to change our own behavior, we'll be better at helping others."
He said we need to be intellectually honest with ourselves.
I found that incredibly profound, and think it definitely relates to this value discussion.

Since I'm a 2009er, I didn't actually do the values activity on the trip, but I did just do it for the first time in D.C. at the reunion.

It was extremely hard for me to get below 10, too. But, like you guys mentioned, I rationalized it by putting different values into other values to feel better about it.

My top 3 were:

Honesty (to myself and others)

Commitment (which I use in relationships, work, my education, dedication to social justice)

Family

Looking at my values laid out like this and thinking about if I have acted with them in my recent decisions makes me happy, because I think I really have. I moved back to California to be closer to my family this year. :) And, I am being more honest with myself--working on being o.k. with my vulnerability.
Points of contention:

Since I do value commitment so much, it's hard for me to leave things--it was extremely hard for me to leave my students last year. I felt like I was leaving my "commitment" to them when I left, and it was one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. Looking back, my value of commitment is definitely one of the reasons I stayed in Phoenix/my school for 4 years. But, ultimately, the value of being honest with myself and my students that I was ready for my next adventure won.

I am very thankful for you all...

Congrats Jane on your new job!

And Jesse, we're here if you want to talk out your crossroads more. :)

Nicole Wellman
- - - - - - - - - - -
wellman...@gmail.com
(602) 377-2910

[Amy Berkhoudt]

Hi EVERYONE! I'M BACK!

Mucho apologies for not adhering to the guidelines for promptness. Jane, super shout out to you for stepping in while I was MIA. You freakin rock!

I'm going to abbreviate my answers for last week's whiparound and this week. 

Seder in the Mississippi Delta:
EFFING MOST AMAZING TIME WITH SEDER FRIENDS! Highlights include, but are not limited to:

1. Eating fried food all weekend (besides Seder dinner): hushpuppies, fried green tomatoes, fried catfish, fried okra, fried pickles

2. Seeing all the cool Reality cats together in a very special place

3. Sean Anthony (my chevruta) giving us a tour of the underground spots of the Civil Rights Movement

4. Enjoying a beautiful Seder at Ron's (the Executive Director of the Delta for TFA) beautiful home with his partner and their friends.

5. Pictures attached below

Theory of Change:

I'm slowly reading through Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In. I have the problem Jesse pointed out earlier about herself... I LIKE EVERYTHING. I think everything is cool and I'm trying real hard to pinpoint A theory of change that is not a direct response to something I am currently reading. Haha.

Anyway, this particular chapter titled "Seek and Speak Your Truth" is especially enlightening. I would really encourage everyone (male and female) to read this. I don't think Sheryl is only talking about the tendencies of women in the workplace because the characteristics of meekness, worry, etc. are also (I'm gonna make a connection here) characteristics of those working in the non-profit/social justice world. That includes teachers! I see so many of my TFA friends undervaluing themselves because they think that is simply the nature of the job. Wrong-O. Here are some good quotes:

• "Communication works best when we combine appropriateness with authenticity, finding that sweet spot where opinions are not brutally honest but delicately honest."
• "Effective communication starts with the understanding that there is my point of view (my truth) and someone else's point of view (their truth)... When we recognize that we can see things only from our own perspective, we can share our views in a nonthreatening way."
• "Sharing emotions builds deeper relationships. Motivation comes from working on things we care about. To really care about others we have to understand them - what they like and dislike, what they feel as well as think."
• "It has been an evolution but I am now a true believer in bringing our whole selves to work... People often pretend that professional decisions are not affected by their personal lives. They are afraid to talk about their home situations at work as if one should never interfere with the other... I know many women who won't discuss their children at work out of fear their priorities will be questioned."
• "Increasingly prominent thinkers in the field of leadership studies...are challenging traditional notions of leadership...They believe leaders should strive for authenticity over perfection... True leadership stems from individuality that is honestly and sometimes imperfectly expressed."

One of the problems I identified in the city of Detroit, even among those who are doing other social justice related work, is this deep-rooted sense of distrust toward anything from the outside (even if it's other social justice minded people). I think what Sandberg says here is related. If I'm working in the social justice sphere, what does it mean to really care about others and to understand them? What does it look like to strive for authenticity above perfection? How can I break from my uber professional attack of the work I do and move into one that effectively shares my emotions and builds deeper relationships? What does it look like to be fair (rather than competitive) to other people doing similar work?

To be continued...

Three Core Values

1. Responsibility (I work out of this sense of)

2. Meaningful Work (work that I am constantly learning from)

3. Family (a sense of home and, also, my actual family)

I was reflecting on these values and realize they are super East Asian. I'll take familial honor over personal happiness. I'll take dense humility until it looks like masked pride. I'll do things on my own before I do them with others. Dedication and responsibility will always trump emotion. These are double-edge sword kind of qualities. I am not proud of all of them.

Am I living out my core values? Hell yah, I am. I'm really happy with the decisions I've made over the past few years. They were super risky, but super worth it. I've also had to make so many sacrifices. None of them I actually regret... except for living so far away from home. My crossroads decision will always be whether to move closer to home or to create a home here in Detroit. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Jesse, I feel for ya, girl.

Welp, thanks for trudging through this long email!

<3

amy

--

 

Amy Berkhoudt

Cell: 808 283 3335

amy.be...@gmail.com

 

Program Co-Director

Detroit Food & Entrepreneurship Academy

http://www.detroitfoodacademy.com

[Marker, Jessica]

Hi all!

 

Happy Weekend!  My greatest apologies for being late to this whip around- particularly after being a big stick in the mud around getting us back on track with the quick responses.  I was on vacation this week so was limiting myself on email, so I appreciate your patience with me! I loved getting back online and being able to read all of your reflections- so thoughtful, provoking and heart-felt.

 

In terms of my core values, I would narrow it down to the following (with details/clarifiers) - apologies there are 4 :) :

 

Family (Pride, Enagement, Efficacy

Community (Pride, Enagement, Efficacy, Diversity)

Health, Wellness  & Joy (inernally & Externally)

Tikkun Olam (Responsibility, Respect & Humility, Leadership)

 

In terms of how I've been living up to them - I would say they are something I orient toward and hold in my heart each and every day.  I try to ensure I ground each decision in these, take risks and be bold around them and even experience moments of discomfort to uphold them.  There are certainly moments with ups and downs in term of how aligned I feel to each, but overall, I do feel that my husband and I operate in strong connection to these and will both call each other out or take space to reorient if needed.

 

Really loved this question Jane- thanks for it!

 

Amy, are you good to whip it this week?  If you're still busy, would love for someone else to volunteer!! :)

 

Love!

Jess

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From: Checkw...@googlegroups.com [mailto:Checkw...@googlegroups.com] On Behalf Of Nicole Wellman
Sent: Tuesday, April 09, 2013 7:31 PM
To: Aaron Burgess
Cc: Jesse Fetbroth; Candace Burckhardt; keir.jane; Checkw...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Re: Whip Around 4-8-13

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[Amy Berkhoudt]

I'll take it this week. Expect something by Monday :)