Whiparound: March 11th

[wellman.nicole]

Happy Monday to all of you.

I just want to reiterate Jesse's  thoughts (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!) from last week-- I have been so blown away by all of your honesty and deep reflections in these thought-provoking whip-a-rounds.  I truly value all of your experiences and sharing.  And, for this week's question, I actually have a follow-up question for you all from last week's video.  Like Amy and Jane, I really enjoyed the video.  It definitely stirred up many different thoughts for me, and I really connected to the "storyteller". :)

I want to look deeper into what vulnerability is and looks like.  She mentioned that it's about being satisfied that you are enough, understanding that you are imperfect, and having the courage to tell your story with your whole heart. One line I loved when she was referring to these whole-hearted folks was that she said "They fully embraced their vulnerability. What makes them vulnerable, makes them beautiful".

In the light of being vulnerable (thank you Amy- for your story and for starting the trend), I am really struggling with achieving this vulnerability to be myself because I have trouble letting go and not worrying about everything that I am saying or what will happen in the far off future if I do x, y, or z.  It was not until recently, that I realized that I worry a lot about wanting to compare myself to others, questioning myself about "What is enough?", and wondering what light others see me in. I realized that these thoughts are habits I have formed, and can see now that helping myself change these thought processes needs and deserves my time.  I didn't mention it in Philly, because I wasn't ready or "vulnerable" enough, but my mental goal for my energy audit is to work on those feelings through counseling, which I have been doing once a week (hooray for small victories!).

SO, my questions for all of you about your vulnerability and achieving it are :
How do you embrace your imperfections instead of worrying about them?
OR
What makes you feel confident in who you are?
.....
And, if you have ever found yourself comparing yourself, your love, your job, etc. to others, what is your self-talk or an action that pulls you out of that place?

I hope this will be a good piece of reflection for the week both individually and professionally. Thank you for being you!
<3 Nicole

[Marker, Jessica]

Hey team,

 

I wanted to shoot us all a quick email regarding our whiparound timeline.  I know over the past few weeks we've weened off of our norm of sending a response short or long within the first 48 hours that the whip around was sent (myself included). And I know that this week, and next week in particular are a bit crazy with Spring Break schedules, so I'm proposing that we extend Nicole's awesome whip around through the end of this coming week.  We'll take one week off for people's spring break schedules and then I'll start us up again the week of April 1st.  And at that point, let's try to get back to our 48 hours norm.  How does that sound to folks?

 

Looking forward to connecting Tuesday- and Candace, have an awesome time in the wilderness, we'll be thinking of you!!!

Jess

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From: Checkw...@googlegroups.com [mailto:Checkw...@googlegroups.com] On Behalf Of wellman.nicole
Sent: Monday, March 11, 2013 3:48 PM
To: Checkw...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Whiparound: March 11th

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[Amy Berkhoudt]

Sounds good, Jess. I appreciate the extra time!

amy

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Amy Berkhoudt

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Program Co-Director

Detroit Food & Entrepreneurship Academy

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[Jesse Fetbroth]

Hey everyone,

Oh how I've missed you all after just one week of whip-around silence!  Nicole, thanks so much for sending this out.  Despite the delay in my response, I've been thinking about it all week (are you surprised?).

One of the reasons I love the Ted Talk I sent out so much is because every time I watch it, I 100% completely agree with everything she's saying.  It makes so much sense, doesn't it?  And yet I think part of the reason I find it so compelling is because I actually don't live according to most of the principles or ideas she sets forth, despite how much I believe in them.  And so it goes.

The one area I think I've most fully embodied the notion of vulnerability is in my relationships.  I believe I am deeply flawed, but I believe this is part of who I am.. it's what makes me who I am.  I make mistakes and can sometimes be a person I don't want to be, but I try not to be too hard on myself, and to forgive myself as much as possible.  I think somewhere along the way I just started to realize that I couldn't be a person worth loving if I didn't love myself.  So when I find myself in an argument, or reacting to a situation in a less than desirable way, I generally approach things by saying "I am very human."  I guess for me, that's what vulnerability is-- recognizing your limitations, and understanding your humanness, and allowing that to be OK.  

Now while I expect (or hope?) others to see and forgive my humanness, I'm not sure I apply the same level of vulnerability to myself.  I believe I am a smart, accomplished, hardworking person, and yet I am constantly comparing myself to others.  I have been in St. Louis for the past two weeks for in-person interview days for the Recruitment Manager and MTLD positions at Teach For America, and I've spent the majority of it feeling sorry for myself.  I've compared myself to candidates who are gearing up for the next "chapter" of their professional lives, and have been consumed over what my next step should be.  I've looked at the titles of some of my fellow teammates and wondered why I'm still so low on the totem pole at an organization where I'm constantly patted on the back for my efforts.  I've fallen so short of feeling like who I am and what I'm doing is "enough," that Brenee Brown would have a field day with me.  In response to your question about tactics, Nicole, my natural inclination in these situations is to compare myself some more, but in a way that only temporarily makes me feel better.  For example, I look at others who are in similar states of confusion about their professional lives and manage to find comfort in that fact.  I think about people I know who are behind where they want to be and tell myself that makes where I am more OK.  I think of the line from the Sunscreen song, "Don't worry if you don't know what you want to do with your life-- some of the most interesting people I know didn't know at 20 what they wanted to do with their lives-- some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't" and try to convince myself that this experience is an adventure and not a complete failure on my part.

So why I do I feel that I'm "enough" when it comes to my relationships with others, but so far short of "enough" when it comes to the measures I've set for myself?  I don't know, but it's a pretty sobering thought, and the coping mechanisms I've created seem to be exacerbating the issue instead allowing me to become any more vulnerable.  

I'm anxious to hear what you all think!

Jesse

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[Marker, Jessica]

Hi friends,

 

I echo Jesse's sentiments- I miss you all and "hearing" your voices/thoughts and perspectives each week.  I'm looking forward to routinizing these again next week when we are all back on somewhat normal schedules :)

 

Nicole, this was such an insightful and tough question, which is what I'm attirbuting to the somewhat radio silence that we all have felt.  As Jesse said, I've also thought about this question almost every day because the answer is so complex and constantly shifting and changing for me depending on the places and spaces and people I find myself with.

 

What I actually keep coming back to with this personally is Sheryl Sandberg.  I watched her TED talk many months ago (possibly years ago) and one of the many lines that struck a chord for me was her saying "ALWAYS have a seat at the table."  This has come to be a really important statement to me, and I almost use it like a mantra in meetings where I feel less-senior, or at times when I'm not sure my voice has equal weight and it pushes me to go beyond my typical comfort zone and think to myself, "I have a place here" and as Sheryl says, "I'm awesome. I should be here." 

 

Now, that doesn't always come naturally or even always happen in pratice, but I have learned in my own experience how essential "voice" is and having a voice (perspective, opinion, ect.) on your work and in influencing the direction of your work, team or organization.  As a processor myself, I actually set "voice goals" for when I'm on team calls or working with people I don't typically interact with.  Because I know how important it is for my voice to be heard and make my thoughts and opinions known and heard, setting small goals and pushing myself as been a big support and motivator for me.

 

If you haven't checked out Sheryl's wisdom yet, she just published a new book "Lean In" and has lots of wonderful publishings out there and in the media right now.  I'd particularly recommend checking out her segment on NPR.  She talks a lot about women in particular and how hard it can be for us to voice our opinoins and why we often don't move ahead in the workplace/what holds us back.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you all soon.

 

Missing you all,

Jess

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From: Checkw...@googlegroups.com [mailto:Checkw...@googlegroups.com] On Behalf Of Jesse Fetbroth
Sent: Tuesday, March 19, 2013 8:51 PM
To: wellman.nicole
Cc: Checkw...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Re: Whiparound: March 11th

[Candace Burckhardt]

Nicole, this is such an important and difficult question to answer. It is something I have struggled with over the past 6 months more than ever in my life. Much of this has stemmed from my feelings of shame associated with losing my job on birthday in September and not being able to contribute financially and emotionally as much as I had before to my family. 

I am now in a job that I truly love, but I am making less than I did when I first started teaching. Each time I see my paycheck, I shudder. I am excited to get out of bed in the morning to go to work for the first time in years, but I fear what will become of my career from working in wilderness and in a rural area. My husband has already caught me looking at jobs online just because of my feelings of shame of making less than I ever have before. I know having lots of money is not something that makes me happy. I gave up a huge house and all of the material things I could have wanted in the world to move to Costa Rica on a whim two years ago, but I have such difficulty practicing self-kindness on this front. 

I do think there is a certain connection between vulnerability and living out your values. I feel like it is much easier to not feel like my "feelings will be hurt" if I am just living out my values and speaking my truth. It also makes me feel much more confident in who I am when I can articulate that me and my husband share the personal values of adventure, quality relationships, financial security, and meaningful work. Every major decision we make is rooted in our values, and I would "defend" them to anyone who questioned our lifestyle or path because they so authentically belong to us and our relationship. 

Candace

[Jane Keir]

Nicole!!! This is exactly what I need to think about and reflect on. Thank you so much for your wonderful writings on this topic! I want to send you my love and support for seeking counseling! I love it! Counseling is the best!

I feel very vulnerable at the present because I'm going through an identity shift because my goals and desires have changed. I used to love studying and traveling and eating anything and everything. Now, all of this has changed! I now crave stability and routine. I just bought a house because I want a home and a community. Where I used to save my money to travel, now I am saving to buy furniture. I used to be an adventurous eater, now I need to eat things that are gluten free with the sauce on the side, etc. Who am I and how do I navigate this new person I've become? But here's the real kicker...I used to love being independent and doing everything on my own -- but lately I want marriage and children. Ahhh what!?! I don't even know how I would begin to share my life with someone. I don't know how to date with a marriage agenda in the back of my mind. Wanting to find a partner makes me feel super vulnerable and overwhelmed in some ways because I feel like everything I've accomplished until now has been due to my own efforts. But this is different, I can't just decide I'm ready for marriage and family and poof it appears. I am still picky and want certain things in a partner and let's be real, finding someone worth spending your life with is up to chance or God or something that isn't me filling out a simple application.

I need a new job...my job is so terrible. I want to be a sex educator for Planned Parenthood but that only pays $13.50/hr., and I can't afford my mortgage, car payment, and student loan payment on that! Candance, everything you wrote girl -- you're speaking my language! All the jobs I would love to have, don't pay what I need. Are there jobs I could love that also pay a living wage? To be real, I want more than a living wage, I want to have money in a savings account, I want to go out to dinner, and I want to buy a new outfit if I feel like it. So I'm looking for new work, but really I just want to be a mom. A few of my friends just had babies, and they pay over $1,000 to put their babies in daycare so they can work -- I'd rather just stay home and raise my children myself. But wait a minute...I can't/shouldn't do that because I feel societal pressure to work. Plus, I would feel too vulnerable having to depend on a spouse for money. Plus, I want to marry for love -- not money and what are the chances that the partner I fall for also can afford to support me and children. Gaaa! Lately, I feel like what I desire, what would make me happy, is not affordable financially.

That's just a taste of how I self-talk, and clearly I am not very enlightened! I should be happy because I'm almost done with TFA (big life goal accomplished), I just bought a house (another big life goal accomplished) but I'm a self hater because I am focused on what I don't have (a good job, a relationship, a flat stomach, etc.). I don't know why I can't live in the moment and focus on the positive...but I am happy to have this opportunity to try to change. I think you've pointed to two pertinent issues 1) there is the pain of feeling vulnerable around others and 2) there is the pain of our own self scrutiny - feeling vulnerable under self-judgement. But I think the good news is that we have the power to combat both.

With love,
Jane

[Amy Berkhoudt]

Wow, everyone. Really amazing stuff here. You all speak serious truth and hope here and I am so proud to call you all my friends. Thank you for your vulnerability in this thread. Jesse, the good thing about being human is that we're all human. I'm right there with you! Jess, picked up "Lean In" yesterday and loving it! Candace, you are a Moses... just with really tight organizational skills! Win win, for sure! Jane, you are a strong and inspiring woman. I am so impressed and inspired at your ability to stay true to who you are even under pressure (external and internal) and severe changes. One day at a time, girl!

Ok, my turn to answer.

My insecurities are:

• Not being the smartest
• Not being the most organized
• Not being the most well-spoken
• Not being much of an influencer 
• Not being thin enough <-- so LAME, but so true :-/

Ways I feel confident about myself are:

• Exploring new ways to engage my mind, heart, and body
• Learning new things (languages, skills, knowledge)
  
• Cooking pretty things
• Vinyasa Yoga
  
• Working on fun projects with people who don't care about timelines for their lives (music video peeps, linoleum carving at the print shop down the street, hanging out with my students, grabbing a drink with some friends, drinking coffee by myself, reading a book next to my bf)
• Remembering that I am loved by many people who I love back

Mostly, I embrace my insecurities by remembering that I am the only one that is insecure about them. No one else. At the end of the day, I think I like me. I like the decisions I've made to come to the place that I am at. My story is haphazard, strange, compulsive, and unique. All of ours are. Embrace it, y'know?

Love from Detroit, Memphis, and the Mississippi Delta,

xoAMYxo

[Aaron Burgess]

Hey everyone! 

I am very sorry I took so long to respond to these. As you know I was in costa rica for spring break and about two days after i got back I got relatively sick.. (I blame it on the very delicious, but probably not to safe meal I had in mexico city) Anyway.. feeling better and ready to respond!

Hmmm... Vulnerability for me is still a very uneasy feeling. I think one of the reasons why I am not good at sharing emotions is because it exposes me to greater vulnerability. I do not want to be seen as weak, which also makes me reluctant to ask for advice or help. It is hard for me to make myself vulnerable, I always have some sort of shield up. That said, I know I have imperfections, one of which probably is a reluctancy to expose myself. The more I talk with people about this, the more I realize that the way I have been viewing vulnerability is not right. I have always thought of it as exposing weakness, but I think it also exposes you as human. One of the features of Reality, and how we create such a safe and trusting place in so little time is people step forward and are vulnerable. They put themselves out there, which establishes trust. 

I am a competitive person. I compare myself to others all the time. I don't always win. But I don't think it is a bad thing. It gives me drive. Sure there are people younger than me who are more successful, (I get particularly frustrated while watching sports and seeing how many pro athletes are younger than me.) But it does encourage me, and show me that people can do amazing things. Rather than wishing I was in their position, I think about the things I can be great at, and I focus on those!

-- 
Aaron Taylor Burgess
Goldman School of Public Policy
University of California - Berkeley
M.P.P. Candidate
(720) 273-9993