Carpenters Greatest Hit
Elisabet Schwartzkopf
The Very Best of the Carpenters is a compilation album by the Carpenters, released in 1982 by Festival Records in Australia and New Zealand (cat no. RML 52017).[1] The album spent one week at the top of the Australian albums chart in 1983.
The album was the only Oceania-exclusive compilation of the Carpenters' material released by Festival Records. Although the album is not specifically a "greatest hits" collection, several of the tracks did not reach the charts in either Australia or New Zealand: "Ticket to Ride"; "This Masquerade", as it was not a single; and "Those Good Old Dreams". "Beechwood 4-5789" was only a hit in New Zealand, reaching number 10 on the singles chart there in early 1982.[2]
Carpenter is certainly most known for Halloween, which became the standard by which all horror has been measured since, but there is so much more to his career. From the action-packed dystopian adventures in They Live and Escape from New York to the paranoia-inducing nightmares in The Thing and In the Mouth of Madness, Carpenter cranked out classics for decades with his own workmanlike yet innovative approach to directing.
So, as a tribute to the perpetually forgotten great American filmmaker, I ranked every theatrical movie that Carpenter has directed up to this point (apologies to Elvis and Body Bags fans). This ranking is, of course, entirely definitive and will once and for all objectively settle the exact order of all of his films in terms of quality. So without further ado, here is the work of Carpenter, from worst to best.
Remakes have always been in the DNA of horror and Carpenter decided to give his own spin on the 1960 horror cult classic of the same name. A group of children are born in a small coastal town in California at the same time under mysterious circumstances and share a telekinetic bond that they use to take down anyone in their way. Sadly, this is a remake that fails to justify its own existence. The worst thing about Village of the Damned is that it is boring, which is not how you might expect to describe a movie about psychic demonic children terrorizing a town. The best part of the movie is that the kids do look genuinely creepy, as the dead-eyed, white-blonde hair, and pale skin is an effectively eery look.
Jack Crow (James Woods) is the leader of a Vatican-sponsored team of vampire hunters who is determined to keep an ancient and powerful cross from getting into the hands of Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith), the master vampire, who would use it to make himself virtually invincible. It's a fun premise, but sadly the execution is squandered, as Vampires often feels unfocused and almost none of the characters are very charming or likable or even particularly memorable. Carpenter still was a capable director with a few tricks up his sleeve, but by this point in his career, it felt like his heart was no longer in filmmaking.
Nick (Chevy Chase) is a slightly shady stockbroker who accidentally ends up becoming invisible due to napping in the wrong place at the wrong time. While he tries to figure out a way to become visible again, he is hunted down by multiple parties hoping to use him for their own nefarious ends. Despite being one of the icons of horror, the invisible man has proven to be a tough figure to translate successfully onto the screen. And that remains the case here, as Memoirs of an Invisible Man doesn't really do anything imaginative or fun with the concept and instead mostly serves as an early glimpse into the decline of Chase. Though, to Carpenter's credit, some of the visual sequences of Nick's invisibility are pretty impressive
In the 22nd century, a cop (Natasha Henstridge) and a notorious criminal (Ice Cube) reluctantly join forces to fight off possessed miners on Mars. While Carpenter may be most strongly associated with horror, it's clear that he has a deep love for Westerns and he manages to incorporate elements of the genre into Ghost of Mars. But even though a supernatural space Western starring Ice Cube sounds like a slam dunk on paper, the actual movie itself is mostly a mess with a few exciting sequences sprinkled in. Even Ice Cube himself spoke poorly of the movie, saying years later that he was excited to work with Carpenter, but the lack of a budget tanked the movie. Ghost of Mars was a bomb financially and critically, and its failure seemed to affect Carpenter deeply, as he took a nearly decade-long hiatus from making movies.
Sequels are always a tricky gambit and, for the most part, Carpenter has avoided them (except when he happily collects checks every time studio execs decide to make more Halloween movies). The only exception is Escape from LA, which has Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) heading into a ravaged Los Angeles in search of the president's daughter. Nothing about New York suggested the need for a sequel, but who am I to complain about more Snake in our lives? And even though it doesn't live up to the magic of the original Escape and has some genuinely terrible special effects, LA remains a chaotically good time in its own right.
Space films usually tell the stories of great heroes on epic adventures but Dark Star gives us a glimpse of the final frontier's working stiffs. We follow the lovably rough crew of Dark Star, a ship that is sent out to search for planets that may allow future habitation for humans. This is Carpenter's directorial debut, which he made shortly after he finished film school at USC. And, honestly, it feels a bit like a film school student's first movie, as Dark Star is shaggy, a little aimless, and doesn't totally come together the way you hope. But Carpenter shows his talents behind the camera from the very start, as he had a natural eye and his intuition for efficient, succinct camerawork was on display in this hang-out space adventure. The low budget and short timeframe also forced Carpenter to wear a ton of hats, as he made the score for the film (something he would continue to do to great success) and was the co-writer, alongside Dan O'Bannon (who would go on to write a little movie called Alien).
There is no writer affiliated with horror more than Stephen King, and so, it seems only natural that one of the biggest directors in horror would eventually take on one of King's legendary stories for the big screen. Christine is about an evil car that manages to take over the life of Arnie (Keith Gordon), an awkward teen who buys it in the hopes of improving his social standing around school. It's not King's most beloved or well-known story, but Carpenter works best with a premise that doesn't get too complicated, which is why he is a perfect fit for a plot that can be boiled down to "evil car fucks shit up."
After winning a bet, Jack Burton (Kurt Russell) accidentally gets caught up in the secret underground world of San Francisco's Chinatown and finds himself facing off against secret evil organizations and an ancient sorcerer. Nobody understands how to use Russell onscreen better than director John Carpenter, and he pulls it off again here; Burton is a clever subversion of the badass action star who sees himself as the hero even though he's mainly just along for the ride, and Russell nails that unearned cockiness perfectly. Big Trouble flopped at the box office and was met with mixed reviews from critics, but in the decades since its release, it has become a cult hit and is now seen as one of the smarter and funnier action blockbusters of the '80s. The fact that this is only Carpenter's tenth best film (according to my objectively correct ranking) shows just how incredible and deep his filmography truly is.
Carpenter is an expert at making the most out of the least, and that is especially true of story. Rather than overcomplicate things, Carpenter likes to keep his movies as simple as possible, which allows for him to fill in the gaps through visuals. One of the best examples of this approach is Assault on Precinct 13, which tells the refreshingly clear story of a police officer (Austin Stoker) and a ragtag group of prisoners and staff members who are forced to defend a precinct from Street Thunder, a local gang that has sworn revenge on the LAPD. Carpenter dives immediately into setting everything up so that once the invasion begins, it is nothing but wonderfully crafted action.
On its 100th anniversary, the serene small town of Antonio Bay is visited by a mysterious glowing fog that coincides with members of the town turning up dead with no explanation. Father Malone (Hal Holbrook) discovers a diary from a previous priest which reveals the origins of the fog and the vengeful force that has come to wreak havoc on Antonio Bay. Once again, Carpenter simply knows how to make a really entertaining movie by putting thought into the details that most directors wouldn't bother with. Its this level of craft that makes a movie like this transcend its elementary plot, as the well-developed characters and innovative effects make The Fog a delightfully spooky watch.
Carpenter is often labeled as a cynic (which, to be fair, is not entirely inaccurate, at least when it comes to his movies), but he shows his capability for sincerity in this story of an alien exploring earth in the form of a young (and extremely dreamy) Jeff Bridges. While the premise obviously invites certain sci-fi elements to the film, Starman mostly functions as a romantic drama, as "Scott" (Jeff Bridges) encounters and connects with Jenny (Karen Allen), a recent widow. The chemistry between Allen and Bridges pops off the screen and confirms that Carpenter is every bit as capable of creating romantic tension as the tension he is most known for in horror. Starman feels like an anomaly perhaps more than any other film in his career yet that does not mean that it is any less essential to understanding the genius of Carpenter.
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