"Give More Than You Take"
Dvaipayana Dasa
California, May, 2006.
Samskaras are Vedic purificatory ceremonies for advancing in spiritual
life.
One of them is vivaha-samskara, the wedding rite.
Before I begin, I would like to thank the Supreme Lord for providing
such a
beautiful day, by His grace, a warm and sunny day. I don't know what
would
have happened if it had rained. We didn't actually have an
alternative plan,
so we depended on Krsna. I would also like to thank Giriraj
Maharaja's
staff, especially Mother Kunti, who worked so hard for many weeks to
prepare
this marriage ceremony. There are quite a number of devotees on the
staff,
and they have done a wonderful job.
When, several weeks ago, I was invited to speak at this auspicious
function,
I was considering what I would talk about, what I would say. I am a
monk in
the renounced order, so marriage is not my best subject, but Krsna
helped
me. Yoga-ksemam vahamy aham. It says for His devotee, He protects
whatever
they have and He provides whatever they require. So I was thinking,
"What
will I speak about at this auspicious function, the marriage of this
young
couple?" I was on a flight from New York City to Los Angeles, and
somehow or
other I had the middle seat. I usually get the aisle or the window
seat, but
I had the middle seat. And another arrangement was that there was an
elderly
couple-the man was on my left and the lady was on my right. They
didn't even
ask to switch seats so that they could sit together. They were very
duty
conscious. They had received their seat numbers and they weren't
going to
move.
They were elderly and they were also partly deaf, so they were having a
very
animated conversation, with me in the middle, in between. [laughter] I
was
trying to study Bhagavad-gita and find some verse that would be
relevant for
this ceremony, but they were speaking so loud and so animatedly. There
is a
saying, "If you can't beat them, join them," so I started
speaking to them.
I was inquiring from them, and at one point I just asked, "How long
have you
been married?" The man said, "Very long time." He said, "Why
don't you ask
first how old we are?" So I asked, "Well, how old are you?" He
replied, "We
are ninety-two." "You are ninety-two? You are traveling unassisted
on the
plane?" "Yes, we are capable." I asked, "How long have you been
married?"
And together, at the same time, they said, "Seventy years." I said,
"Oh!" It
was very interesting, because I had read a report that in our modern
America, three out of four marriages end in divorce, unfortunately. So,
I
said, "You know, I am on my way to California to take a little break
and
study. And I am going to be giving a talk at a marriage. Could you give
me
any tips, some advice that I can offer to the couple? What is the
secret of
your marriage? In seventy years you haven't separated. It is quite
amazing.
What is the secret?" It was funny, because they both spoke at the
same time,
one in my left ear and one in my right ear. And they both said the same
thing at the same time: "You have to give more than you take." I
said,
"Thank you very much," and then I wrote that down: "You have to
give more
than you take." They went back to talking; they talked the whole way.
And I
thought that was symptomatic of love, and a marriage, of course, is
based on
love.
Our spiritual master said that in this material world a boy naturally
desires a girl and a girl naturally desires a boy, and they come
together in
holy matrimony to make it sacred, and they advance in material
prosperity
and spiritual prosperity together. I think that is a nice definition of
love: to be concerned about the needs of your beloved. Actually, in our
Gaudiya Vaisnava philosophy that is the pinnacle of our siddhanta in
understanding our relationship with God, with Krsna. There is a very
nice
verse in the Bhakti-rasamrta-sindhu by Srila Rupa Gosvami:
anyabhilasita-sunyam jnana-karmady-anavrtam anukulyena krsnanu- silanam
bhaktir uttama
He is talking about awakening our love for the Supreme Lord, the
Supreme
Personality of Godhead, and he defines that love in the paribhasa
sutra, the
verse in that scripture upon which all the other verses are developed,
from
which they evolve-the seed verse of that important scripture. And he
says
that one should approach God, one should approach the Lord, the
ultimate
lovable object, personality, without any selfish desires, any material
desires. He says that neither should one desire to merge into His
form-seek
impersonal liberation. And then he says that this devotional service,
this
love for God, this service, must be done according to Krsna's
desires, as He
desires to be served. God is a person, and we learn what God wants
through
our guru-parampara, through our chain of disciplic succession,
specifically
from the spiritual master, who is considered to be an intimate
associate of
the Lord. We ask him, "How can we serve God in such a way that He
will be
pleased?" This is love. But a Vaisnava, a devotee, his love is not
exclusive, only for Krsna. It is also for the person who takes him to
Krsna:
the guru, the spiritual master. It is also for the devotees of the
Lord,
with whom, in whose association, he worships the spiritual master and
Krsna.
So, a devotee loves the Vaisnavas, he loves the guru, he loves God.
Actually, he loves all living entities in the sense that he sees every
living entity as part and parcel of God, every living entity as
ultimately a
servant of God. This is his vision.
That instruction, to be concerned more about the needs of the other
than
about the needs of oneself, is a very nice definition of love. So, how
does
it apply to this couple today? They are both Vaisnavas. They are both
devotees of the Lord, and they have to know what are the needs of their
partner. That is love, and one must act accordingly. So what needs do
we
have as devotees of the Lord? What needs do we have-let us speak very
basic-as human beings? What are our responsibilities in marriage, as
the
husband and as the wife? What needs should we be concerned about for
our
partner?
We have two needs. We have our material needs and we have our spiritual
needs, because at this stage we have those two obligations.
Unfortunately,
we have this body. It has its needs. We can't deny them. Even being
transcendentalists, we cannot deny the needs of the body, because the
body
is the vehicle that ultimately can take us back home, back to the
spiritual
world. So we have our material needs and we have our spiritual needs.
This is the first step in the science of self-realization: to
understand the
difference between matter and spirit, the difference between the body
and
the soul. I am not this body. I am the particle of life-the spirit,
the
soul-within the body. That is my actual definition. We never say,
"I hand"
or "I arm" or "I head" or "I body." We say, "This is my
body. It belongs to
me." Who am I? Jivera 'svarupa' haya-krsnera 'nitya-dasa':
"I am the eternal
servant of Krsna." I am the soul.
So we have to see to the needs of both the body and the soul; we have
to
find the balance. If we just focus on the needs of the body but neglect
the
soul, we will never find perfect happiness. That is a fact. No matter
what
our modern society proposes-that the more material enjoyment you
have, the
more sense gratification you have, the more happy you will be-my
experience
is as a world traveler: I have met kings and queens and presidents and
rich
men and entertainers, and sometimes I think they are in the most
anxiety of
everyone. They have all the material opulence, but they are not happy.
In
fact, even in my study of sastra I have never come across a person who
has
it all but is happy. There was a song a few years ago, "I want it all
and I
want it now." I don't think anybody right now has it all. I know of
one
person who did-he is mentioned in the Seventh Canto of
Srimad-Bhagavatam.
His name was Hiranyakasipu. He conquered the lower planetary systems,
the
middle planetary systems, the higher planetary systems. He had
everything,
but the Bhagavatam says that he wasn't happy, because he could not
control
his senses. The point is that he was neglecting the soul within. You
have to
find a balance. You have to meet the basic needs of the body.
Prabhupada
said, "Keep the body and soul together for the purpose of
self-realization,
taking advantage of the human form of life." We need to meet the
basic needs
of the body. The Vedas also give that knowledge; it is a vast body of
knowledge. So we learn to live a simple life, but with high thinking.
But if
we deny the needs of the soul, we will be miserable. The soul has
desires.
You cannot deny the desires of the soul. It has spiritual desires, and
we
have to learn the art of satisfying those desires.
How do we satisfy the desires of the inner self, the soul? By engaging
in
our eternal constitutional position as servants of God. As soon as we
begin
to serve God we feel a natural peacefulness come over us, and as we
continue
that service, a natural joy. And as we become more detached from
material
life, more absorbed in our service to God, we begin to feel ecstasy.
This is
actually what every soul is looking for.
So both husband and wife have to be learned in the subject-especially
the
husband, because he is called pati-guru. Generally in Western society,
when
people hear the word "guru" they think, "Oh, it is a singular
term. We have
one guru." But actually, in the Bhagavad-gita Krsna says differently.
He
says:
tad viddhi pranipatena pariprasnena sevaya upadeksyanti te jnanam
jnaninas
tattva-darsinah
"Just try to learn the truth by approaching a spiritual master.
Inquire from
him submissively and render service to him. The self-realized
souls"-it is
plural-"The self-realized souls can give you knowledge because they
have
seen the truth."
So it is a science. We have one diksa-guru, that person who initiates
us
into the sampradaya, who gives us mantra, who trains us, who helps us
back
to the spiritual world. But one can have many siksa-gurus. Anyone who
helps
us on the spiritual path in a significant way, who gives us spiritual
instruction, becomes a siksa-guru. And the husband plays that role in a
marriage. He is the pati-guru. He must be learned in the sastras, like
any
guru. He must be exemplary in his behavior. He can't say one thing
and do
something else; otherwise the wife will lose faith in her pati-guru. He
has
to be very exemplary. He has to know the sastra, and he has to be very
expert at engaging his wife and later their children in devotional
service
to God. This is his ultimate responsibility. In fact, so important is
this
duty of the husband that sastra-the Bhagavatam, the Bhagavata
Purana-says
that no one should become a demigod, no one should become a guru, no
one
should become a king, no one should become a teacher, no one should
become a
husband, a wife, or a parent, unless they are capable of delivering
their
dependants from the repetition of birth and death, from samsara, from
reincarnation, from being born again and again and again. Ultimately,
the
only way we can become free from this samsara, this cycle of birth and
death, is by going back to the kingdom of God, to the spiritual world.
Krsna
says, punar janma na vidyate. He says, "Once having come back, My
devotee
never returns to this material world." So this is the ultimate duty
of the
husband. He has to be a transcendentalist. We sometimes think of a
transcendentalist as a skinny yogi living in the jungle eating just
berries
and fruits, not shaving and not cutting his nails, absorbed in chanting
"Om." But not necessarily. As Narottama dasa Thakura says, grhe
thako, vane
thako: "Whether one is a renunciant or one is a householder living in
a big
house with lots of furniture and a beautiful wife and children, if that
person has at heart service to God, service to Caitanya Mahaprabhu, who
is
the most recent incarnation of God, in this age, I take the dust of
that
person and put it upon my head."
So transcendentalists can also live in this world. Jesus Christ
instructed
us in the Bible to be "in this world but not of this world." In our
Vedic
culture, we use the example of the lotus flower. The lotus flower is in
the
lake-the stem of the lotus flower goes into the water, into the mud,
and
that is where the roots are. But if you look very carefully, you can
see
that the flower itself is always a little above the water. It is never
actually in the water; it is a couple of inches above. So we have to
learn
to be in this world but not be of this world.
How do we do that? We are all stuck in these bodies. We are living in
this
world. We have to work. We have this and that and everything. Still, we
can
engage in the devotional service of God, and by engaging in the
devotional
service of God our consciousness becomes so elevated that it is as if
we are
not in this world. This is the responsibility of the husband: to ensure
that
his wife is learning the science of Krsna consciousness along with him
and
educating the children in Krsna consciousness, delivering all of them
back
home, back to Godhead. This is his most important service.
On the spiritual platform, the wife serves her husband. In this modern
age
the word "service" is not very much appreciated, because often when
we serve
somebody, we feel exploited: "My boss is just using me." "My
country is just
sending me to war for the politicians." But when you come to Krsna
consciousness, you learn the beauty of devotional service, how nice it
is to
serve a glorious master, a master who has your real interest at heart,
to
take you back home, back to Godhead, who teaches you how happy you can
be
serving God. So the wife, she is the happy servant of her husband.
Traditionally in Vedic culture, the wife's work is at home. She stays
home
and takes care of the house. "Oh, how boring to stay home all day. My
husband is out and I am home in the house." But if your house is like
Vaikuntha, that place where there is no anxiety, if your house is like
the
spiritual world, it does not matter if you are here or there. You are
in the
spiritual world. If you have the deity of the Lord established, are
reciting
the mantras and the prayers, and are studying the scripture, and if you
are
cooking for and offering food to the deity, it becomes just like
Vaikuntha.
And when the husband comes home from working in the world, he feels
very
refreshed. There is no anxiety. It is very peaceful. It is a spiritual
atmosphere.
So in this way the husband and the wife have their spiritual duties.
They
have their material duties as well. The husband has to make money. He
is the
breadwinner. And the wife, does she just spend the money? No, she
utilizes
that money favorably in the service of the Lord.
The husband has to work. A few weeks ago a brahmacari came up to me and
said, "Guru Maharaja, I think it is time for me to marry." I said,
"Really.
How did you come to that decision?" He said, "I saw this most
beautiful
girl." I said, "Well, okay. Do you know the responsibilities that
come along
with marriage?" He answered, "Yes. We will read Krsna book
together. We will
chant Hare Krsna. We will go to the temple." And I said, "Yes, and
you will
work nine hours a day. Did you think of that?" "Well, no, I
didn't really
consider that." So I said, "Yes. You have that responsibility. You
have to
work and provide for the grha, for the home. And your wife will have to
clean the home. And you will have to work and raise the children.
It's not
easy. Think about this very carefully. Do not just be enamored by the
beauty, but understand that the real beauty is the beauty of the soul.
Ultimately you have the responsibility to liberate that person back to
the
spiritual world."
So if one follows these basic guidelines, knowing that marriage is a
spiritual relationship that entails responsibilities for both the
husband
and wife, then the marriage will succeed. Of course, one marries for
the
happiness of living with the opposite sex. That cannot be denied. It is
something that ultimately we have to give up, when we go back to the
spiritual world and will be fascinated only with Krsna, but we can't
be
artificial. Men and women have a natural desire to live together, so
that
affection is there, that attraction is there. But if you can understand
that
your partner is not the body, that your partner is ultimately the soul
within the body, and if you relate to your partner like that, you will
always be happy in marriage. In Vedic culture there was no divorce. How
is
that possible, when in our society three out of four marriages end in
divorce? Because they went very deep, they went to the spiritual
essence.
They related on the spiritual platform, which is ultimately fulfilling.
Of course, we shouldn't be naïve. There will sometimes be arguments.
I know.
I am a Maharaja, a sannyasi, but let me tell you, I was married eleven
years. Yes. And I will tell you, I had a very good wife, a very chaste
woman, a nice devotee-but we had plenty of fights. Because as long as
we are
not pure, there are going to be some differences. As long as we are
contaminated by the false ego and are not fully enlightened, there are
going
to be clashes; there are going to be differences. When we all become
pure
devotees of the Lord, our attention will be fixed on God, and there
won't be
any arguments. We will live very peacefully and happily forever in the
spiritual world.
But as long as we are here, there will be some fighting. I am just
being
practical. We are getting down to the nuts and bolts of a marriage. How
to
deal with that? Titiksava. You have to be very tolerant. You have to
always
consider your spouse's good qualities. When you live together for a
long
time with one person, you may see his or her weaknesses, but have faith
that
by the process of Krsna consciousness, the process of devotional
service, we
can overcome our material frailties, our weaknesses, our doubts, our
material desires. We will come to the transcendental platform. Have
faith,
and in the meantime always see the good qualities of your husband or
wife.
See them as outstanding.
A sadhu once told me, "In dealing with people you have to have one
good eye
and one bad eye." I said, "What?" "One good eye to always
appreciate their
good qualities and one bad eye to see their faults." I said, "Sir,
why I
should see the faults?" He said, "If you are going to train them
you have to
know what their weakness is. Otherwise, how can you train them to rise
above
that fault?" So you have to also see the fault. But you don't see
it in a
mischievous way. You recognize it and you try to help. So always see
the
good qualities. And if there is some fighting, it is always temporary.
Canakya Pandita says in the Niti-sastra, "Just like a bolt of
lightening
from the sky and the clash of thunder, just like two rams butting their
heads together in play, just like the funeral of a sage in the forest,
so
too a fight between a husband and wife makes a big noise-they all
start out
in a grand way, but the outcome is very insignificant." If we are
Krsna
conscious we can understand this. If we have that deep spiritual
strength
and love for our partner as a devotee of God and we want them to
advance on
the spiritual path, these little things can be solved.
One last note. The natural result of marriage is children. Our
spiritual
master said, "What is family life without children?" So children
will come;
that is nature's way. But there is a special significance to bringing
up
children in our Krsna consciousness movement, that we want to train
these
children to go back to the spiritual world, that this will be their
last
birth. We are very happy when our children take birth, but we should
think,
"Let this be their last birth. The success of my household life will
be when
my children become so spiritually enlightened that they don't have to
take
birth again, when they go back to the kingdom of God." Such children
are
very valuable in human society, because nowadays saintly persons are
very
rare. The world in this modern era is actually bereft of saintly
persons.
And without saintly persons, who will guide us back to the spiritual
world?
Who will show the example? Who will give us blessings? Saintly persons
are
most important. Canakya Pandita says, "You will not find a pearl on
the head
of every elephant. You will not find rubies in every mountain. You will
not
find sandalwood trees in every forest. You will not find sadhus,
saintly
persons, in every birth." They are very rare. But we need them. So
although
our grhasthas, our householders, may not be out there distributing
books and
giving lectures in universities and running big temples and so on, they
shouldn't think that they cannot do a most significant service-the
most
significant service-in raising their children to become pure
devotees, the
most valuable assets in society.
So, a few words with a little wisdom from a renounced monk. I wish you
the
very best in your marriage. All material prosperity will be yours, and
all
spiritual prosperity will be yours, and you and all of your children
will
one day go home, back to Godhead.
Hare Krsna.