Is Anybody Out There???

[desire2bnorm38.5]

I'm starting to feel like I'm all alone again. I've posted here and on
the other web site that led to this one. I know everyone around me
knows... And I'm just having a hard time dealing with this. I don't
know how to interact with them knowing they know, knowing they talk
and discuss it. I feel so isolated. Everyone talks about me but not to
me. How far does it branch out how many people know about this. It's
seems everywhere I turn. They know. It just fuels the anxiety. And to
overcome it just isn't happening. I really want to talk to someone
else who experiences this. How do you deal with it? How do you bring
it up to your significant other it you even can? I've tried but
couldn't be as direct as I should with it. I don't even know if he
knows really what I really meant when I did actually say something or
if he's known the whole time... I believe he does. How isolatiing is
that. When you feel your husband even talks about you. Do my kids
know?? Someone made a comment to me the other day saying that my kid
might need to talk to someone..therapist because they had a pretty bad
incident. Was this incident caused by me cause their mom is a freak!!
I don't know who I can trust, if they genuinely care or if their just
watching me and or being kind to me for pitty or for my husband and
kids...Hope someone gets this...Paranoia??? To many back hand comments
from EVERYONE for it to be my imagination. If so... I'll put the
straight jacket on myself.

[IWantMyLifeBack!]

Hello,

No, You are not alone for sure!!! I have the same experience at work &
at home!!! I am thinking it is tied to self esteem and feelings of
inferiority for me. When it happens I can't stand it...soo ashamed.
I hear co-workers talking about me all the time, like I can't hear
them. It feeds my anxiety, depression and feeling of worthlessness
for sure. Thank goodness, I can listen to my iPod while I work to get
my mind off things and try to feel better. I hardly talk to anyone
anymore because I know they know and what they've been saying about me
and how they really feel....I hate this and want it out of my Life for
good. All I can dream about is being retired, living alone & finally
being free :)

Hang in there and keep writing!

[desire2bnorm38.5]

Not sure if you'll even get this. It's so good to hear from somebody that is going through the same thing. Today was so horrible. Just a really bad day. I just don't think I'm ever gonna shake this thing. I'm begining to wonder if I'm not what they think I am. I mean really. I hear them talking all the time. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it just makes me mad. When I get mad they get worse. I  can't afford therapy right now or meds to help. So it's like a really bad cycle. No one to talk to about it. Which is like therapy there. I've been straight up with one person. But not sure she really gets it, like knows how bad it is. She says who cares what everybody thinks. But god I just can't do that. If I was on the receiving end, I just can't blame them. I keep trying to tell myself when I feel it kicking in, that your relationships will heal themselves. I remember reading that here or on the other web site. They heal themselves if you just let go and not be so scared of everything. Find comfort in their eyes. That worked acouple of times, just not all the time. I have good days when I just keep my head up the whole day. Those are my good days. Other days I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I Hate me. I hate being me.

[IWantMyLifeBack!]

I know what you mean, some days I am sooo tired or I don't feel well
and my defenses are down it seems to be more prevalent on those cays
then when I am feeling strong and happy!!! Don't worry about getting
help, cause I just spent a lot of time an money on meds & thearphy and
I'm still here with the same problem as before. Save your time &
money for something that will help you feel a little better on those
bad days. I go to target and look through the $1.00 items and usually
find some little colorful items to brighten up my desk and my mood :)

Please keep writing because I think talking with others that are
suffering with the same symptoms really helps us feel less alone and
isolated :)

[desire2bnorm38.5]

Your absolutely right talking to others that truly understand has to help in some way. I've wanted to talk to somebody for so long now and I think I said over a yr, I've been dealing with this but truthfully I think it's actually been like two yrs. now. That's a long time to be or feel completely alone. I feel like I've just held this shame in which is the perfect word for it, for so long. Every time I think I have the guts to open up and try to get someone to understand and help. I loose all confidence. Anyhow you keep writing too. Just knowing someone is listening and not judging means the world.

[desire2bnorm38.5]

I read the message about the therapy and meds. Not sure if you deleted it. But that kind of sucks if that hasn't helped you in some way. I still gotta try, ya know?? Just anything and pls don't be scared to speak your mind. That's exactly what I know I need to do. Had I of spoken my mind along time ago when this thing first started taking over, maybe I could of put people in their place, and became stronger for it and things would of never of gotten to this point. But I just cowarded like a wounded dog. Just putting myself more so in a vulnerable position. I still do it. And it still controls me for it. Also I guess I kind of do the same thing like with getting things to cheer myself up. I wld do things like wear a little more make-up, paint my nails, dress a little less conservative. What ever made me feel more confident. With this thing we have in my experience the 1st thing people reach for is that I'm some kind of perverted, closet lesbian. In a nutshell. They would point out things about me that wld reference me to being mannish. Like I have man hands. That just kills me...alot of people wld say that. ( Which just fuels the everybody knows paranoia) I've always been a hard worker. Doing my best was the only option for me. So my hands aren't like dainty like most, Can't afford the nice nails, you know, and like getting my hair done and nails done every other week just wasn't as important to me than some. Don't get me wrong I love doing all those things but I'm a very practical person. But when it comes time to having a night out. You bet I'm all about dressing up and all that good stuff. Love it!! There's a time and place. But you know they wld say things like that. It just isn't right. It just feeds your insecurities. Feeds this thing!! That just really hurts the most. I'm mean really if I wanted to be a lesbian wld that be so bad??? Really??? That wld be so easy. And there's worse things to be than that, You could have this.

[desire2bnorm38.5]

Sorry about the deleted message thing, I just wasn't paying attention. It was probably the book I tried to send through but couldn't. lol Hope everythings been ok with you, I went to a therapist yesterday. Don't feel I got alot accomplished but I didn't hesitate I threw it right out there. Almost didn't at first but nothings gonna get resolved if I had hesitated or it would just prolong it anyways. I've been on this thing daily (the group) since I've finally got someone to respond and unload to. I spoke with the one other person in this world who knows and wouldn't judge me yesterday. I think she finally got how bad of a thing it is. But I feel a load off. I still have to go to work tomorrow though. REALLY, REALLY not looking forward to that, on any level. I know come my friday, I'll be back to square one. I hope your weeks been good. And anyone else reading this feel free to jump in!!

[Girlygirl]

I thought I was the only one who suffered from this. But looking at
this webpage, sadly I am not alone. I stare at people all the time.
And its not that I do it on purpose. People think I am trying to
follow them when I am just trying to get home. I feel so tense all the
time. I just started a new job.

All of this started when I was 14. And I feel it stems from the fact
that I had a traumatic childhood. I suffered sexual molestation and
I began to watch porn at a very young age. I became so transfixed at
the images that I think I trained myself to become transfixed at
people. It has gotten worse over the years.

Sometimes I feel like killing myself.

[desire2bnorm38.5]

Girlygirl,

 

I feel your pain, weekly I go through the wanting to kill myself thing, and every week I talk myself out of it. It's really hard I know. It would be so much easier to just give up. But your not alone, don't forget that. And though none of us really know each other here, we all know what the other is going through on some level. That alone has helped me so much. I had a traumatic childhood too. I had a mix of all of it when I was a child. Verbal, physical and sexual abuse till I was 15 and ran away from it all. I never got all that out and it took it's toll on me for it. Killed all self esteem and any self worth I might of ever had for myself. I hope this group, some therapy and some people to unload to is the right combination to get over this. Keep your head up, and we're all listening...

[helpplease]

Hey all, you are definetly not alone i am a 32 year old male and have been dealing with this thing for about 3 years now and i am completely lost as i know friends and family have noticed. everything you have said is what im also going thru i have not spoken to anyone about this until now and already i feel breathing is alot easier so thanks for your honesty. please try and reply and maybe if we can talk thru this site we might be able to figure something out or just make things a bit easier for us. goodluck and peace.

[HiPeople]

Hi Desire2benorm,

Actually we have already spoken with each other by email.  You will probably recognize who I am.  I just created a new email just for this group.  I really don't understand how online sites operate well enough.  It is obviously desirable to maintain as much anonymity as possible.  If we can't talk about to people who are close to us that well, or if it really does no good to do so since they will not understand, it seems reasonable not to broadcast it to the world.  But it is nice to somehow communicate with people who have this same crazy, terribly embarrassing, almost paralyzingly embarrassing thing.  Whether it OCD, social anxiety, shyness, a nervous reaction gone wrong, a secret anti-social reaction to avoid people or to get people away from me which I can no longer control, or whatever, I have never figured out.  Mine started after I had decided to study more and wanted more time to myself when I had been kind of a party person.  It may be somehow a poor way to balance work with social life gone wrong.  There were never any sexual problems of any kind other than not always having a girlfriend, which is not unusual.  Maybe I should have tried to always have a girlfriend, I don't know.

It may be I have had this thing longer than anyone else on this site - 41 years.  It suddenly started, seemingly out of the clear blue, when I was 21 and now I am 62.  Life is still possible with it I think. Good news is that I really think I am finally getting over it.  I find that phenibut (an over the counter supplement) seems to largely or completely eliminate it so that I am actually somewhat outgoing now and actually reasonably confident.  I will sometimes add some kind of nootropic like pirecetam and also, in the lull of the afternoon to stay energetic maybe some 1.3 dimethlamylamine (available at health foods but can be speedy so not for everyone).  Phenibut is some type of relaxing supplement.  I think this is what is working for me.  Strange.  Last night I went to a dinner get together for kind of a social club (toastmasters) for which I signed up to be an officer.  It was fun and I was having an enjoyable time for the first hour or so and then suddenly I began to notice people's parts as what happens with this thing.  I was thinking oh no - not now.  But then it went gradually away again, I forgot about it, and I ended up having an enjoyable time.  The person whose officer position I was taking, who will not be able to attend meetings for a while, showed me how to do his job and so forth.  We had a nice time & apparently no one noticed my momentary lapse.  I can tell you it is wonderful when this thing fades away in public.  For my wife, I do not experience  even remotely there because I am completely relaxed with her.  Actually I guess she is the only one in the world with whom I know there will never be any problems whatsoever.  Maybe I should give her more credit just for that even if she does not even know what she is getting credit for.  I told her about 20 years ago but she is very outgoing and hasn't the slightest clue what I was talking about.  She probably just thinks I am shy, which she actually likes.  Although everyone probably does have their unreasonably shy side, even my outgoing wife.  I think most women are very sensitive about some things, which guys are not going to be concerned about.  Most women, in my opinion, feel there is something about them that should be better even though I think what most guys really like is a smile with some eye contact.  Anyway, I am rambling.  Bye.

[Don Gee]

You are not alone my friend, i feel the same way.

[Rebekah Gordon]

Hey, im here im 12 years old im a girl i have the same problem. :( Its really frustrating but dont give up like sometimes i just think of doing suicide i even have a plan but is it really worth it............i dont think so. I always think my freinds are gonna ditch me cause im so messed up some are slowly drifting away but they come back and i just think about them gossiping horrible things about me but in the end i just have to let it go like when someone infront of me gets out of my seat what am i supposed to look at!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now ijust look a little bit away. This problem is so damn stupid but it has a great effect on us i even prayed and then im like why god why did you let me down but i guess nothing comes that easy. Hang in there. So far i havent told anyone not even my parents and its killing me but hey im still alive. Advice just maybe hang out with your kids more try to see how they are doing play with them they will love that and try to see there point of view. In the end just chill and live life. Time is eternal but you are not. Dont let your fears control you. Just treat yourself to an IceCream or whatever your favorite treat is not trying to be mean.

Hope my fam doesnt see this cause they dont know anything i searched all this up myself and i have a feeling everyone just thinks im a f***** lesbian or pervert but im not and im determined to prove it once and for all.

Plz reply:) 

[Rich Peoples]

Check ocd staring group on Facebook

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[Samantha Jimenez]

I'm struggling with the exact issue... I lost all my friends because all they started doing was talking behind me talk... except I was there just not in the same room so I know that they all know and discuss it. I just told my boyfriend and well... he wasn't very sensitive on he matter saying it's not a big deal and all, but he has no idea how much effort it really takes on a daily basis. I feel so alone. Here to talk if anyone still checks this
samyl...@gmail.com

[Grover Orange]

Many times I've overheard people in the next room talking about me. It's a soul killer. People who don't live with this can only give so much understanding or sensitivity when you tell them, it's just so unusual. But maybe a decent person would be okay with it in time if you give them enough info to understand. But then again, could backfire if they're not so decent. 

[Samy Lively]

Soul killer is exactly how it feels.... have you been able to manage it any better? After first discovering that other thread, I feel more confident because I see that happening I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy so I haven't been as anxious around people. Its made it easier to just look past them by looking at the wall or something behind them when I'm walking or entering a room so my eyes haven't been wondering as much. I still would like someone to talk about this and hearing their side.

[Grover Orange]

I don't think anyone really manages this thing any better. I'm 20 years in. I could tell you my side or maybe you could ask specific questions but I don't know if I want to have such things on a public forum record, so you can pm me if you want. Besides me, if I didn't already mention there's a closed fb group with many people on it. some topics to cover for a newbie (sorry) that come to mind are...

> thinking big picture (this is the most important one to me)

> developing little secret tips and tricks on how to mask it

> how to choose wisely choose your people going forward

> the horrors of over isolating and disconnecting

> gaining knowledge of the long terms potential pitfalls

> career path choices

> types of professional help available (though they all suck to me but not for everyone

> the spiritual advancement opportunity this issue abundantly offers (for those interested in that)

> identifying who is and is not right to open up to

I'm not trying to bring you down or say this thing will be with you for a long time, it could go away tomorrow, but just in case it doesn't... 

On Fri, Oct 7, 2016 at 12:56 PM, Samy Lively <samyl...@gmail.com> wrote:

Soul killer is exactly how it feels.... have you been able to manage it any better? After first discovering that other thread, I feel more confident because I see that happening I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy so I haven't been as anxious around people. Its made it easier to just look past them by looking at the wall or something behind them when I'm walking or entering a room so my eyes haven't been wondering as much. I still would like someone to talk about this and hearing their side.

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[avell...@gmail.com]

I have just found this group after 33 years with this problem.  Anyone out there - just would be great if someone responded ??

Wishing everyone well.

Alan

[Nyah Molineaux]

I am here. I think a great method is meditation. If you can afford it try transcendental meditation. Meditation calms your mind and enables you to see things and life more clearly. 

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[avell...@gmail.com]

Hi 

Yes I have seen many suggestions here and on the other website.  I am seeing a common theme of Yoga, meditation and some medicinal herbs.

I have just recently got off medication which I was finding tough to be on and now it is difficult being off the meds but I am determined to try at least to beat this with natural ways and not meds if I can

Thank you for answering - feels uplifting to know others out there are in the same situation and willing to help and discuss.