Fwd: Yabba-Dabba-Fucking-Doo!
Art Hunter
fyi
From: I Fucking Love Australia from I Fucking Love Australia <if...@substack.com>
Date: Thu, Mar 5, 2026 at 8:53 AM
Subject: Yabba-Dabba-Fucking-Doo!
To: <art....@gmail.com>
So Mark Carney just rolled into Canberra, stood up in our bloody Parliament, and essentially said... hey Australia, you wanna be cousins? And honestly... FUCK YES WE DO.
Look, I know "strategic cousin" sounds like something a real estate agent calls you when they want you to co-sign a mortgage. But when you actually look at what this bloke is proposing... mate, this might be the most exciting thing to happen in Australian foreign policy since we stopped pretending the AUKUS submarines were coming on time. Here's the thing about Carney that cracks me up. He's a former Goldman Sachs guy, former Governor of the Bank of England, former Governor of the Bank of Canada... this bloke has more central banking experience than most countries have GDP. And he's standing in front of our Parliament basically going... hey, you know how America keeps punching us both in the face with tariffs? What if we just... stopped letting them? REVOLUTIONARY CONCEPT. And the numbers... oh the numbers are where this gets BEAUTIFUL. He pointed out that Europe, Australia, Canada, Japan and South Korea... COMBINED... have a larger GDP than the United States. Let that sink in for a second. All these countries that Trump treats like they're lucky to be in his phone contacts... collectively, they're the bigger economy. That's like finding out the kids at school who were getting bullied could have just stood up together the whole time and the bully would have shit himself. But it gets better. He's talking about linking the Trans Pacific Partnership with the European Union. A trading bloc of 1.5 BILLION PEOPLE. One point five billion. That's not a trade deal, that's a civilisation. That's basically going... hey America, you wanna play tariff games? Cool. We'll just build an economy so big you can see it from space. And the critical minerals play... THIS is where my inner financial planner starts doing backflips. Canada and Australia together produce 34 percent of the world's lithium. 32 percent of global uranium. 41 percent of iron ore. Between us we've got a 25 billion dollar war chest to fast track projects. He literally called it "the largest mineral reserve held by trusted democratic nations." You know what that means? It means the two countries that have been giving away their resources for fucking pocket change for decades are FINALLY talking about using that leverage. And if you've been following my rants about how Norway turned their resources into a 1.7 trillion dollar sovereign wealth fund while Australia turned ours into Gina Rinehart's third superyacht... you understand why this makes me want to weep with joy. Then he drops this line... "when we spend capital on defence, 70 cents of those dollars goes to the United States." SEVENTY CENTS. We're literally funding the country that's bullying us. That's like paying your schoolyard bully a subscription fee for the privilege of getting your lunch money taken. And Carney's basically saying... what if we bought each other's stuff instead? Canada's already buying our over the horizon radar system for the Arctic. We're talking AI, aerospace, cybersecurity, quantum technology. ACTUAL COLLABORATION between countries that don't want to annex each other. What a concept. And can we talk about the vibe between Carney and Albo for a second? Because this is genuinely heartwarming and I'm not used to feeling this way about politicians. Carney personally wrote a tweet about Albanese calling him "the only world leader who can discuss spirituality, the global economy, Vegemite hygiene and how Go-Jo was robbed at Eurovision in one go." THE PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA KNOWS GO-JO WAS ROBBED. If that's not the foundation of a lasting international alliance, I don't know what is. The CANZUK crowd are losing their minds and honestly... fair enough. The CEO of CANZUK International called the timing "absolutely perfect." Free mobility of citizens between Canada, Australia, New Zealand and the UK? Being able to just... move between these countries to work and live? Like the EU but with better weather in at least two of the four countries? Sign me up yesterday. But here's what really gets me about this whole thing. Here's the bit that makes me want to stand on a table and scream. Carney said... "if we're not at the table, we're on the menu." THAT'S IT. That's the whole thing right there. For DECADES, Australia and Canada have been sitting there going... well America's our mate, they'll look after us. And then Trump comes along and goes... actually you're the 51st state and also here's a 25 percent tariff, go fuck yourself. And FINALLY... FINALLY... someone with actual power and credibility is standing up and going... maybe we should have a Plan B? No, not Plan B. Plan A. Because relying on a country run by a guy who thinks tariffs are a magic money tree was never a plan. It was a prayer. And prayers don't pay the bills when your biggest trading partner decides you're the enemy this week. He also said something that should be tattooed on every politician's forehead... "when the rules no longer protect you, you must protect yourself." That's not aggression. That's not anti-American. That's just... growing up. That's a country looking around and going... oh, we actually need to be able to feed ourselves, fuel ourselves, defend ourselves and innovate without asking permission from a bloke who can't spell "tariff" consistently. And the best part? He did all of this without being a dickhead about it. He talked about Trump with what he called "respect but not obsequiousness." He acknowledged Trump was elected democratically. He said Trump is actually more reasonable in private. He was diplomatic without being a doormat. He was firm without being reckless. He was... and I can't believe I'm saying this about a politician... an actual adult. Meanwhile in Washington, they're trying to figure out how to tariff rain. So yeah. Mark Carney came to Australia, stood in our Parliament, and basically said... you and me, mate. You, me, New Zealand, the UK, Europe, Japan, South Korea. We've got more people, more resources, more money, and more legitimacy than the bloke trying to shake us down. Let's act like it. And Australia said... pull up a chair, cousin. About. Fucking. Time. ~Gman You're currently a free subscriber to I Fucking Love Australia. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription.
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