FW: Can we just buy Ice-cream mom!

[Akeela Sumar]

 

> Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2011 07:43:00 +0000
> From: akee...@gmail.com
> Subject: FW: Fwd: Can we just buy Ice-cream mom!
> To: akee...@hotmail.com
>
>
> -----Original message-----
> From: Sabeha Habeeb
> Sent: 19/10/2011, 11:51 am
> To: HABEEB; A2G Akheela; Akbar Abdullah Mpower; Rv. Safia Haji natallia
> prakharenka; tabb...@hotmail.com; Zahraf...@gmail.com
> Subject: Fwd: Can we just buy Ice-cream mom!
>
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> Sabeha habeeb
> Sent from my iPhone
>
> Begin forwarded message:
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> > From: "Khafayah Abdulsalam" <khaf...@ummuka.com>
> > Date: October 19, 2011 7:12:37 AM GMT+05:30
> > To: "sabeha habeeb" <sabeha...@gmail.com>
> > Subject: Can we just buy Ice-cream mom!
> >
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> > Six Ways to reward your kids!
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> > Asalam Alaikum sabeha habeeb,
> >
> > Just before you read the article, I thought I let you know....
> >
> > ***************************
> > Announcement
> > ***************************
> > New Five Week "Mini course" from
> > -Ummuka
> >
> > coming soon!
> >
> > Parenting is HeartWork!
> >
> > ******************************
> >
> >
> > Rewarding our Kids!
> > Six Ways to reward your kids!
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> > I decided to book a holiday for all my kids, as a reward for fasting and enduring the long hours and the heat during the month of Ramadan. Little did I know I was in for a surprise... Whilst I was thinking about all the nice places we will be visiting in Disneyland Orlando, my kids interrupted my flow of thought -"Mom we have something to tell you..."- I will let you know what they said shortly.
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> > Parents tend to focus more on inappropriate behaviour, and rarely praise or reward good behaviour. Failing to realise that enforcing positive behaviour/efforts, leads to more good behaviour and happy confident kids!
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> > In this article, I will be discussing ways to reward our kids without being excessive. We need to give praise in the right way, in the right amount and for the right things.
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> > Are you more likely to praise your kid, for winning than for trying hard? The Prophet (SAW) praised and encouraged the Sahabah in a positive manner. Ibn Abbas tells us that throughout the many years he lived with the Prophet, he never once scolded him. The Prophet's method of parenting was through praise and reward. He always adopting a positive mental attitude. This is the principle we need to adopt, when designing a reward system for our kids.
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> > The Prophet SAW also tells us "whatever I order you to do, do it as best as you can. And whatever I forbid you to do, avoid it completely" - (Bukhari). It's clear from this Hadith that the Prophet SAW did not want to burden us.
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> > "Whoever comes with goodness, for him there will be ten (goodness) like it, and whoever comes with an evil, he will not be recompensed except with the like of it" (Q6:160). Allah is so generous that he rewards good intentions that have not been carried out. Applying this principle to parenting, means we should focus largely on encouraging positive behaviour.
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> > Rewarding a kid for good behaviour, increases the chances of that behaviour re-occurring and helps to decrease negative actions. Ignoring bad behaviour and rewarding good causes the kid, to lose interest in inappropriate actions that do not provide a reward/satisfaction. To develop this system, simply create a token economy using points and a reward chart. This helps in developing and encouraging good behaviour in your kids.
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> > Six ways to reward our kids
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> > 1. Link your kid to Allah - by creating a world of accountably to Allah in the home. It encourages the kid(s) to thrive for what is good. Knowing that the reward for good behaviour is 10 times greater than bad behaviour - this is a profound method of encouragement to do well. My kids will always say that for people to end up in the hell fire "they must be REALLY bad mom! "Don't you think so?" "I always reply, "I could not agree more. Now that they understand their accountability to Allah, it always creates motivation and desire to please Allah as much as possible. Even when you reprimand them, remind that Allah is always watching them. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying do not reward behaviour with things like, sweets, money, toys etc. Establishing the love of Allah and building the correct relationship establishes a lasting loving relationship with their creator, which makes the taribiyyah process easy for parents InshAllah. Final product: A well-grounded productive kid.
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> > 2. Reward them with non-materialistic items- rewards such as trips to the park or wild resorts, connects your kid to nature. We do not want to give them too many tangible rewards, as this will always be constantly expected. So find a balance between intangible and tangible rewards. With my kids - if one has demonstrated good behaviour or done something well worth praising, I say "you will have a day out with mommy food shopping" or we can visit the park to see the deer's and they love this! J
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> > 3. Create easily achievable goals - for the kid, to prove that it is worth the effort. Rewards are effective in not only increasing the occurrence of positive behaviour, but also in decreasing negative behaviour and increasing a kid's self-esteem. The most effective rewards for kids are those that are the easiest to give -praise, encouragement, hugs, thanks, attention, love etc.
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> > 4. Use descriptive praise - When praise is specific and descriptive it becomes very useful, for example, "I liked the way you helped your brother with his home work". "I appreciate it when you bring your dish to the sink" or "I like the way you shared your toys with your friends this afternoon" - this works well with the slighter older kids, nearing their teens
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> > 5. Rewards kids according to their capabilities- "Allah does not burden the soul beyond its capabilities" (Q2:86). This principle extends to our kids too. We should praise and encourage kids, in what they can do and for their efforts and achievements. Most importantly the effort they have put into anything they have achieved. Although, I would argue that encouragement is a greater motivator than rewards in building a kid's confidence and self-esteem.
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> > Last night when I arrived home, my 10-year-old daughter had prepared me a special dish; I gave a huge hug and a big kiss. I prayed that Allah reward her with Jannah - her face was beaming! She leapt out of the room to tell the others. A Kid's inner confidence will grow and they feel more rewarded once they have your approval as a parent.
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> > 6. Reward charts and stickers - If you are trying to develop habits in a kid or get them into a regular routine - reward charts and stickers are fantastic. For example, getting your kids to go to bed on time, brush their teeth before going to bed or getting dressed on time. The idea is to replace external motivators with internal gratification brought on by the kid's own desire, to behave and please others as well as him/her. Consistent praise creates an internal feeling of satisfaction and makes the kid feel fulfilled. Thus removing the need for physical rewards. Allah tells us this already in the Quran, that He rewards our efforts and not achievement. Other rewards that an expert says would be appropriate: For a kid who's doing a good job brushing his teeth, the chance to pick out a new tooth brush. For a kid who behaves well during story time, the privilege of choosing the next three books from the library. For a kid who's staying dry during potty training, a trip to the store to pick out underwear. For a teen that's showing responsibility, more driving privileges or one-on-one fun time with a parent. "Connect it to the positive choices they're making,"
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> > Avoiding excessive, reward, encouragement and praise.
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> > I know measuring the appropriate reward can be difficult at times. I struggle with this too. It's best to focus less on material possessions, especially when we are reminded of Allah's saying: (Q 5:87) O ye who believe! Forbid not the good things which Allah hath made lawful for you, and transgress not, Lo! Allah loveth not transgressors"
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> > Parents we must be careful not to praise or reward kids often. The kid will begin to manipulate the situation. The Prophet (SAW) reminds us about this in a Hadith when he heard a man praising another, "you have destroyed or cut the back of the man" (Bukhari, 8:86)
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> > When Praise is general it's more detrimental to the kid than beneficial, as they are not particularly sure what they are being rewarded for. They will get bored after a while. The reward system eventually becomes a repetitive meaningless routine. Too much praise and reward. Creates a dependent kid rather than an independent one.
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> > Little Taslimah and her sister Hamidah, always get a sticker when they pray with mom. When Jasmine came over to babysit, they refused to pray unless they were to be given stickers. The danger here is the association of stickers with Salah, which is very wrong. For Salah, it might be more appropriate to use reward charts and words of praise and encouragement, reminding the kids that their ultimate reward is with Allah.
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> > My reward tool is about connecting the kid to Allah. I would say "Who wants a reward from Allah?" They know Allah gives a minimum of 10 rewards for a good deed. Once I say that, there is a rush to complete the activity. If one feels sad because they did not make it. I remind them that so far there was genuine intention to do it. Allah will still reward them, and my kid will feel much better.
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> > The Prophet SAW did not shower his kids or wives with gifts; he connected them to the rewards awaiting them in the hereafter. Having a parent's approval is better than material rewards. We must be careful as parents not to spoil our kids; otherwise they will grow into spoilt arrogant adults. A Shaykh of mine use to tell his three year old daughter that, if she is naughty she will not get to read the Qur'an.
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> > This really upset her and made her cry, the point here, is that he has connected good behaviour to reading the Qur'an - a profound way to embed the love of the Qur'an - it works well with the little ones.
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> > As I always say, "no one knows your kid better than you do". Reward positive behaviour through, praise, reward charts, attention and special treats that are specific to your kid.
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> > "The greatest reward of all we can give to our kids is indeed our PRESENCE as parents. That is what makes the best present for our kids".
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> > Is this easy to achieve? No!, By putting our trust in Allah, He WILL make the great task of parenting, rewarding for us all in this world and the hereafter!
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> > May Allah bless all Moms and elevate them to the highest station in Jannah Firdaws, where they will be crowned for their endless efforts in this world! Keep up the excellent work!
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> > "Mom we do not want to go to Orlando, can we just by Ice-cream and ride our bikes with you in the park? We will be good we promise" J Don't you just love them? Obviously my presence meant more to them than a package holiday!
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> > *********************************
> >
> > Khafayah Abdulsalam
> > Mommy Coach
> >
> > Email: Khaf...@UMMUKA.com
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