Filling Moments Of Silence
Stephanie Dejoode
Last week I was visiting the Scandinave, a Scandinavian-style bath spa, with my mom, when it struck me how rare true silence has become. By true silence, I mean silence in the form of not speaking, but also silence in the form of reflection, pause, a capacity to become still, a capacity to just be and not do.
As a yoga teacher and practitioner, I have seen it showing up in the form of teachers filling classes with an endless stream of cueing. I have seen it showing up during savasana, the final resting pose, which gets cut short to avoid the anxiety of watching students fidget in the uncomfortable silence.
Silence creates space in our lives. It allows us to pause between moments, to process and reflect, to see beyond the surface into the depths of our lives. When we cut out silence, we cheat ourselves out of the fullness that life has to offer. Only in the silence can we truly hear the whispers coming from within us, urging us towards our highest potential.
Silence breeds deep connection, not only to ourselves, but to the world around us. The energy of a silent room filled with people is almost palpable. In silence, we are all powerfully connected to our higher selves, to the universe, and to each other.
For one moment at the spa, I felt this. Sitting in absolute silence in the sauna, silence brought a group of strangers together. We were all present, sharing the same moment, connecting with the world and not with our phones. It gave us space to turn inward, to take stock of our internal landscape, to let go of what no longer served us, and to renegotiate who and how we wanted to be in the world.
I came away from that day of silence and quietude with a new awareness of what was happening in my life. In those moments of silence, I could hear my inner voice growing louder. Where it was once only a whisper, easy enough to ignore, it suddenly became deafening.
I had to stop sacrificing my own needs and desires just to please someone else. I had to start standing up for myself and making it clear that what I wanted mattered too. I had to start making my own plans and doing things just for myself, and not always waiting to see if he had other plans in mind. I needed to be me, wholeheartedly me, first.
Leaning into silence might seem scary. It might even be painful at first because your mind and body will fight it. But I urge you not to run from the silence any longer. Embrace it. Allow it to create space in your life, because it will transform your life. Ultimately, the silence pushed me farther into the life I dream of, into a life of passion, of meaning, of giving myself my best shot.
The more time you spend in silence, the more powerfully it will impact your life, but diving straight into a ten-day silent retreat might not be the best approach. In fact, it might have the opposite effect.
Block out a specific time in your day or week for a meditation practice. Perhaps it is first thing in the morning, or before you go to bed at night. Set a timer for five or ten minutes, sit or lie down with your eyes closed, and simply breathe. Watch your breath move in and out of your body.
Kiara Elliott is a Pranalife Certified Yoga Teacher and aspiring workplace wellness health promoter. Her mat is her practice ground for making changes in her life. She loves sharing her passion for yoga and wellness with others so they can reach their fullest potential. She also loves reading and having coffee with friends. Check her out on Facebook here or Instagram (elliott_kiara).
This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. The content on Tiny Buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. Please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition.
In this post, we discuss the use of silence in therapy. Readers on either side of treatment will learn about the clinical utility of silence, what silence communicates, and why therapists are sometimes so darn quiet.
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We usually think of silence as the absence of talking, but silence is a positive event. It is an activity in itself that is relevant to the therapy process (Knol, Koole, Desmet, Vanheule, & Huiskes, 2020).
Psychotherapy is a unique form of conversation, one that allows for extended periods of silence. If the clinician implements silence skillfully, it can encourage clients to reflect, connect with their feelings, and continue their train of thought (Knol et al., 2020).
Additionally, therapists typically use silence more frequently with specific clients. Some therapists note that it is a more effective tool with higher functioning clients, finding it less helpful or even harmful with psychotic, highly anxious, or angry clients (Valle, 2019).
Highly talkative clients may benefit from using silence in a session, but clinicians need to gauge if clients are talking so much because they are highly anxious. Here, psychoeducation may be critical.
Therapists may use silence as an invitation to reflect. It is up to the clinician to sense these moments and extend the invitation for silence by either sitting quietly or explicitly encouraging reflection.
When you open the floor to someone who has never been to therapy before, there are two common reactions: the person will talk and talk, filling the space with their words, or a stark opposite, when the person may have no idea what to say and sits silently, waiting for you to say something.
Therapy is also awkward because people are generally uncomfortable talking about themselves, especially with strangers and in the depth required for treatment. They may be afraid that their therapist sees them as self-absorbed or boastful, especially when they say something positive about themselves or how others perceive them.
Avoid filling the awkward silences with your unpolished thoughts. Suppose you are anxious during silence and jump in to end it. In that case, you may signal to the client that something is wrong when it is quiet, which may make them feel more awkward during the silences than necessary. This response could encourage them to talk endlessly to keep the conversation going, which essentially eliminates the space needed for reflection.
Silence in group therapy can perform many of the same functions as silence in individual therapy: providing space for reflection, allowing room for mindfulness practice, and compelling clients to speak through the sheer awkwardness of silence.
However, the context of group therapy is unique in that clients experience it in the company of their peers. Therefore, there are some opportunities for togetherness that individual therapy does not provide. Silence, which is often thought of as isolating, can be an experience that brings the group together, as each client sits and reflects on their thoughts.
In group therapy, silence can play an important role in progressing the conversation by giving each party the time to think and respond (Valle, 2019). Many people feel awkward in moments of silence around others. They may fill the space with their talk. For individuals with this issue, group therapy can help them be more comfortable and reflective during periods of silence.
Creating quiet time is a tool which helps you and your client set aside time to experience silence during the day. The tool provides a framework for structuring interventions centered around silence in a session.
If you have been using silence in your work, then the words you say will be incredibly weighty since you will be speaking less. Use the Mindful Speaking tool to help yourself practice mindful speaking in your work or to help your clients cultivate this skill in their everyday lives.
The Mindless Versus Mindful Listening tool is another mindfulness practice that helps develop a sense of inner calm and present moment awareness. Practicing mindful listening can allow you to be truly present with your client. It can also be a valuable practice to help your clients develop deeper connections with significant others in their lives.
Psychodynamic therapy is a treatment that started with Sigmund Freud and is still used today in many forms. Practitioners of psychodynamic therapy are experts in using silence to help their clients. This article offers five tools to use in your practice.
If you or your client has difficulty sitting in silence, you may want to consider some DBT skills of distress tolerance. They can help you ride out uncomfortable experiences and use silence to your advantage.
This article has broken down the different ways you can use silence in your clinical work to help connect with clients, help clients solve their problems, and help improve their mindfulness skills and comfort with ambiguity.
If you find yourself chatty in the therapy room, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you are speaking with purpose. If not, consider practicing silence in your own life and transferring your newfound skills to the therapy room.
About the author Joshua Schultz, Psy.D. is a therapist and writer based in Philadelphia. He holds a doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Widener University, where his dissertation focused on compassion in leadership. He believes in systemic justice and is interested in reforming organizations and institutions through the introduction of love and empathy. Joshua approaches his clinical engagements from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy perspective. His work is aimed at helping others act with compassion while living a life they find meaningful. How useful was this article to you? Not useful at all Very useful 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Submit Share this article:
I am a hospital chaplain, visiting people who have experienced a difficult time in their lives. Many times they need time to reflect upon what their current experience means to their lives and what comes next. Silence can be a very important tool in these circumstances and this article will help me use it more effectively. Thanks.
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