Mothers of Baytul Hamd

[Umm Yusra]

Assalaamualaikum Sisters and Brothers,

I am so glad that Sh. Muhammed Al-Shareef started this whole
discussion and put us all in touch with each other.

I have had 3 stillbirths, and now have a healthy little girl, by the
mercy of Allah(SWT). She reminds me everyday that I have so much for
which to be thankful.

I wanted to post an article here that was published in SISTERS
magazine - I think that we can all relate to some aspects of it.

Umm Yusra

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THE MOTHERS OF BAYTUL HAMD

With candour and heartbreaking honesty, three Muslim women speak to
Fatima Ameen about losing a child and coping with that loss.

We expect the young to bury the old, children to bury their aged
parents. But there are those mothers who never get to see their
children smile, comfort them when they cry, because Allah, in His
wisdom, has greater plans. They are the mothers of Baytul Hamd:



Abu Musa reported that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said “If the
child of a servant (of Allah) dies, Allah says to His Angels, “Have
you taken the child of My servant?”

The Angels reply: “Yes.”

Allah says to them: “Have you taken the fruit of his heart?”

They reply: “Yes.”

Then Allah says to them: “What did my servant say?”

The Angels reply: “He praised Allah and said: “To Allah do we return.”

Allah tells them: “Build a home for my servant in Paradise and call it
Baytul Hamd (the House of Praise).” (Tirmidhi) 1



*AYESHA

Stillbirths, silently slipped away

Ayesha, my sister and close friend, had two stillborn children, both
fully formed. It was when she saw her doctor for a routine check-up
that she was told that they could not detect a heart beat. Her child
had died in utero. After the shock had settled, she realized that she
still had to go through labour and delivery. She describes this time:

“Initially, just after they told us that our son had died, I went into
'auto-pilot'. I knew I had to get on with the birth and that, somehow,
my husband and I had to be strong enough for each other to get through
those 23 hours of labour. I must admit, I had secretly hoped that they
were wrong, that when he was born I would hear him cry. And when I
didn't hear it, perhaps then the magnitude of it all hit me.”

From the outside, it would appear that this would have been a time of
trauma and anguish. Ayesha contradicts this when she says:

“I never expected the peace I would get from gazing at my child. I
keep thinking of that verse in the Qur’an: “Grant us spouses and
children who will be the coolness of our eyes” (Quran 25:74) The only
time I felt peace was when I held my son and cast my eyes upon him
that day. I was in total agony until that point - I felt has though I
had literally died. But then I held him and that all changed. There
was just peace as we held him and looked at his features.

“For the next few days, I was in a daze. I started producing milk, as
my body registered that it had gone through delivery. I was overcome
with a grief so severe that it would literally take my breath away. I
couldn't see an end to it. I remember crying constantly for weeks.

“I knew that Allah had a bigger plan, I wished that I understood - but
realised that I couldn't. I knew that the only way out was to make
dhikr. And so I called upon Allah, His names on my tongue constantly:
“Ya as-Salam, Ya al-Lateef, Ya ar-Rahmaan”. I wondered why, after
weeks of dhikr, peace had not descended. During these weeks, I
attended a lecture in which a hadith was related to us: When Allah
places a trial upon His servant, and the servant turns towards Him,
calling out to Him, then Allah asks Jibreel (AS) to delay responding
to the request, because Allah loves to hear the voice of His servant
supplicating to Him. So, I persisted in my dhikr, and one day, after
my salah, I felt as though peace just descended upon me, suddenly. And
after that moment, I began to cope.”

Ayesha fell pregnant the next year, and when, at 32 weeks she could
not feel movement, she went to the hospital. Again, the baby had died
in utero. After the initial shock, she took charge, giving
instructions for a birth plan. After her husband broke his fast, they
turned to Allah in prayer begging for His help. On that 20th night of
Ramadhan, she went through labour and gave birth to their daughter.
Those with them in the hospital speak of the peace that descended on
the room that night, with the verse “With every difficulty, there is
ease” playing out before their eyes. (Quran: 94:5)

“My husband and I had spoken about the possibility of losing the baby
before we found out she had passed away. And I was better prepared in
that I knew what would bring me immediate peace - to hold my baby. And
that’s what I asked for immediately. With this pregnancy, I made a
decision in my head. I didn't know if Allah would ever grant me
motherhood in this world again. So I told myself that I had only a few
hours to enjoy my child. And that included the labour. It sounds
strange, but I thought of my labour as a duty of motherhood - the only
one I would get. And it would be those labour pains that my daughter
will mention to our Lord on the day of Reckoning in the hope of
interceding on my behalf, insha-Allah.

Again, she began to produce milk. “I had the battle scars, but nothing
to show for it.” The grief came, but this time there was a peace that
carried them through.

Through these difficulties, I have seen my sister grow, in wisdom and
insight. In her usual pragmatic style, Ayesha advises: “Our trials are
about more than just us. It is about our relationship with Allah. Try
to focus on that, and insha-Allah, the rest will follow. Who knew that
my daughter would be born into such peace? Not me.”



*TASNEEM,

The sudden loss of a healthy child

Waseem was a happy, healthy baby. One day, while eating,
he began to choke on his food. His mother Tasneem, a trained nurse,
could not dislodge the morsel, and rushed him to hospital. Waseem was
11 months old when he returned to his Rabb.

“Losing Waseem was like having something ripped out of my heart. I
can’t describe the pain. My son was playing normally in the morning,
and just a few hours later he was gone. I thought I would never get
over it. But as a believer, you eventually come to terms and accept
your loss. Your imaan is the only thing that takes through.

“We were so weak on that day, physically and emotionally drained, but
there were periods of strength that could only have come from Allah.
He gave me the strength to perform the ghusl myself, bathing my child
who once would be so active and playful during his bath time.

“When they came to take his body, the Imam told us: “Allah gives, and
Allah takes, and Allah makes no mistake.” He spoke to us of how our
child would wait for us, and intercede for us before Allah one day.

“For my husband, the most difficult part of that day was the burial.
It was hard carry our son to the grave and throw earth on him, and
harder still for my husband to walk away and leave him. That night, it
was cold and it rained. I struggled to come to terms with him being
alone there. I was still nursing him, and my body still produced milk.

“But Allah is not cruel. He does not take something away from you
without carrying you through your trial. He gives you whatever you
need to get through your pain. For me, comfort came from the hadith of
our Prophet (SAW). Our Imam would visit us for months thereafter, and
bring with him books of hadith, and he would read to us.

“We heard the hadith in which Rasulullah (SAW) said that he saw
Prophet Ibraheem (AS) in a dream, in heaven surrounded by the children
of the believers. This comforted me to know where he was, and to think
that he was being cared for by Ibraheem (AS). 2 (Bukhari)

“I was inspired by Umm Sulaym (RA) whose husband was not there when
their son died. When he returned and asked her how the child was, she
replied that he was calm and better than before. The next day, she
told him that Allah had only taken back what He had lent to them. I
was inspired by her acceptance. 3 (Bukhari)

“The pain never really goes away. But every time I felt I was falling,
Allah picked me up again.

“I think Allah has blessed my husband and me. He has promised Jannah
to parents in exchange for the pain they suffered at the loss of their
child.”



*MARIAM,

Final return after undiagnosed illness


At three months, Yusuf needed to be hospitalized. Tests were done and
the results sent to universities and hospitals across the world, but
no diagnosis was made. At six months, Yusuf returned to his Rabb.

“I think Allah created a special part in a parent’s heart for each
child. And when my son died, I felt that that part of my heart had
also died with him. The funny thing was that acceptance came quite
early on mingled with relief that his pain was over. We were
surrounded by friends and family. Often, I had to sit and listen to
people who, though well-intentioned, managed to give the worst
possible advice and make such inappropriate comments. Crying at what
seemed an inappropriate time was a big no-no, – it was seen as a sign
that I was not ‘having sabr.’ I wish I’d been told that it’s okay and
normal to cry at any time, to sometimes be angry, to not want to see
or talk to people at times.

"But after three months, the visits stopped, and everyone continued
with their daily lives. And the reality hit, that my husband and I
were the only ones who had to pick up the pieces. I was devastated
when my mother-in-law was asked how many grandchildren she had, and
she excluded my son from that count! I also realized that my own
parents were concerned for me and what they saw me go through, rather
than experiencing real grief for my son. But then my husband spelled
it out: that this was our struggle and our grief, upon the two of us,
and neither our parents nor our other children would be a part of it.

“I never questioned Allah’s authority, but I needed to understand why
my life had taken this direction. I learnt to look inside of myself,
to question what I saw in my own heart, where I needed to improve. The
answers were not always what I wanted to hear. Still, the answers
came: I felt Allah respond to me. And I grew. Anything less would have
meant that my son’s life was in vain.” As Mariam said this, the prayer
of the Quraan came to mind: “Our Lord, You have not created this in
vain. Glory be unto You. And save us from the punishment of the
Hellfire.” (Quran, 3: 191)

“Whenever I hear of parents that have lost a child in our community, I
go and visit them after the funeral and I sit with them and share my
own experience. I tell them never to despair that Allah is listening
and that He will answer our questions, sometimes not in the way that
we expect but always in the way that we need them answered.

“It’s every person’s wish that they do a good enough job in the
raising of their children to ensure that the children enter Jannah.
There is a certain degree of contentment that at least one of my
children is already there.”



TEARS AS MERCY

Islam prohibits wailing, or any exaggerated display of grief such as
tearing of clothes. We are also cautioned to be careful of what we say
at times of trial. However, as the example of the Prophet (SAW) shows,
tears are a normal part of grief.

Rasulullullah (SAW) was tried with the loss of all his children except
Fatimah (RA) during his lifetime. He left us with an example of
surrendering to Allah even as grief weighs on our chests and numbs our
reason. When his son Ibrahim (ra) took his last breaths, the Prophet
(SAW) held him close, smelled him and kissed him. When his eyes flowed
with tears, the companions asked: “What is this?” not expecting the
Messenger of Allah to be grieved at the decree of Allah. He replied:
“The eyes tear, the heart grieves, but we will not say anything other
than what is pleasing to Allah,” meaning that while the heart grieves,
we do not question the working of Allah. Then he addressed his son,
and said: “We are indeed grieved at your loss, Ibrahim.” 4 (Bukhari)



STORED TREASURES

How do we say goodbye to a child? We say goodbye with the hope of
being reunited in the life hereafter. Rasulullah (SAW) said: “Allah
says, “I have nothing but Paradise to give as a reward to my believing
servant who, if I take the life of his dear friend (or relative), he
is patient, and anticipates his reward.”5 (Bukhari)

We say it with a prayer: “Allah, make him a forerunner, a reward, a
stored treasure and an intercessor on our behalf.” 6

And we trust in Him when he says: “Give glad tidings to those who
exercise patience. When they suffer a trial, they say: “To God do we
belong and to Him will we return”. They are those who upon them are
the blessings of their Lord, and Mercy. And they are those who are
guided.” (Quran, 2: 155-157)

This article was first printed in Sisters, the magazine for fabulous
women.



REFERENCES:

1. Narrated by Abu Musa, in Tirmidhi (Hadith No. 922 in Riyadus
Saaliheen)

2. Narrated by Samurah ibn Jundub in Sahih al Bukhari (Hadith 1320)

3. Narrated by Anas ibn Malik in Sahih al Bukhari (Hadith 1239)

4. Narrated by Anas ibn Malik in Sahih al Bukhari (Hadith 1241)

5. Narrated by Abu Hurayra in Sahih al Bukhari (Hadith 32 in Riyadus
Saaliheen)

6. This is the prayer read during the Janazah salaah of a child. A
version thereof appears in Chapter 114 of Sahih al Bukhari

[UmmHussein]

Thank you for this sis, it is very useful. I am sorry for your losses,
and happy to see your strength is greater than grief.