Do We Always Need to Say the Thing?
Nedra Glover Tawwab from Nedra Nuggets
Do We Always Need to Say the Thing?On repeated conversations, unresolved hurt, and defining what repair actually looks like
There are some conversations we rehearse in our heads for years. We imagine finally saying the thing that has been sitting in our chest. The perfect wording. The perfect timing. The perfect emotional release. We think maybe if we explain ourselves clearly enough, honestly enough, calmly enough, something will finally shift. But lately I’ve been wondering: do we always need to say the thing? Or are there moments where the real work is deciding what happens after we already know? I was talking recently about a family member who wanted to come stay at my house again after a previous visit that was, honestly, spiritually disruptive. The last time they were there, the energy felt so chaotic afterward that I joked there wasn’t enough sage in the world to cleanse the space once they left. Candles burning. Windows open. Diffuser going. Still feeling their presence lingering in my home. So when the topic of another visit came up, I realized something very simple: they could visit the city, but they could not stay at my house. That was the boundary. Now, could I have sat them down for a three-hour conversation about every reason why? Sure. But the truth is, sometimes people already know. Sometimes people know why you no longer lend them money. Why you stopped sharing personal information. Why you no longer invite them over. Why access changed. And sometimes we keep revisiting the issue because we’re hoping the conversation itself will create remorse, accountability, or transformation. But remorse usually doesn’t have to be extracted. People who are genuinely apologetic often move toward repair on their own. I think that’s why it’s important to ask ourselves: what is my intention in bringing this up again? Is it:
Those are not all the same thing. I know someone who constantly reminds a parent about who they used to be years ago. And while the original hurt was real, the parent had genuinely changed over time. At a certain point, the repeated reminders stopped feeling like communication and started feeling like punishment. That’s a difficult truth to sit with because many of us were taught that “processing” means revisiting something indefinitely. But not every repeated conversation creates healing. Sometimes it creates emotional stagnation. And sometimes the issue is not that we haven’t expressed ourselves enough. Sometimes the issue is that we haven’t decided what resolution actually looks like. One thing I love about using Fireflies for meetings is that at the end it generates action items. Everybody leaves with next steps. I think relationships need that too. If we have the hard conversation, then what?
Otherwise, we end up trapped in cycles where we revisit the same emotional injury over and over without creating anything different. Some things absolutely need to be addressed. Especially in close relationships where unresolved dynamics affect daily life. But there are also situations where the healthiest thing is not another emotional summit meeting. Sometimes the healthiest thing is:
You may gain gray hairs continually revisiting the issue. You may not gain peace. Journal Prompt
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
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