Becoming clear about our Core Family Values

[Helen Kirlew Smith]

Kia ora friends.

Liz and I really hope that this email finds you well and that you all
have a fantastic father’s day weekend next weekend. What are your
plans?

Today we would like to share with you a story and an exercise on how
to become clear about the core values which guide us as a parent.
Enjoy.

Becoming clear of our values.
Have you ever been in the situation when you find yourself comparing
your way of parenting to other parents? Have you considered changing
what you do because someone else does it differently to you? This
could be in relation to the way you mange your child's behaviour, or
how clean and tidy you keep your house, or, the expectations you have
around manners, or what food you let your child eat, or how much
responsibility you give your child at a certain age. The list goes on
and on!

In comparing ourselves with others we are assuming that there is a
right and wrong way of doing things.

Instead of doing that, Breathing Space ask you to consider your
approach to parenting in line with what your core family values are.

It is these values that give rise to what make us do things
differently to other parents. When we are clear about OUR values, we
are not as likely to fall into the comparison trap!

Heres an example from Liz that illustrates her values.

I was talking to a parent who had a boy of a similar age to mine,
about 5 and a half, at the time. We were discussing morning routines.
She proudly told me how her son was able to get himself up, dressed,
pack his bag, and be ready for school in the mornings without any
trouble. She continued by sharing that in her house, they ran a tight
ship and everyone was aware of their responsibilities.

I went very quiet. I slipped into the comparsion trap thinking “@$
%#!!!!”.

I still got my boy up, helped him get dressed and packed his bag! As
a family we amble along in the mornings. I took some consolation that
we still managed to get out of the door and to school on time,
mostly.

I ended the conversations promptly and went away asking myself ‘am I
doing morning routines right?’.

Later on in the week I talked to another parent about this story. I
wondered out loud if there was something I was doing wrong!

When my friend said, “but Liz, structure isn’t that important to you
is it? You’re also more about recognising your childs need and meeting
it”. The light bulb in my mind turned on. She was right. My boy needs
(and has always needed) a lot of support in the mornings to get going!
There was no way I could have expected him to take responsibility for
himself at that time. I also recognised, that as a family, we all like
to take our time in a morning. We like to do things at our own pace in
our own way.

I concluded that our morning routine is different to others because I
have different values and expectations around strict routines and
structure. A weight lifted off my shoulders!!!

The main benefit of knowing what your core values are, is that you
gain tremendous clarity and focus about how you like to do things and
what is important to you as a parent.

You may already be very clear about your values. If not, here is a
very easy Values Exercise taken from Steve Pavlina - http://www.stevepavlina.com

The following list of values will help you develop a clearer sense of
what's most important to you in life. Simply mark the values which you
most identify with, and then sort your list in order of priority. As
you scan the values list below, you may find that while most values
have little or no significance to you (and some may even seem negative
to you), there are those values that just jump out and call to you,
and you feel, "Yes, this value is part of me."

This values list is merely a guide. It is lengthy and contains many
synonyms but is certainly not exhaustive, so feel free to add unlisted
values to your own list as well.
Abundance
Acceptance
Accessibility
Accomplishment
Accuracy
Achievement
Acknowledgement
Activeness
Adaptability
Adoration
Adroitness
Adventure
Affection
Affluence
Aggressiveness
Agility
Alertness
Altruism
Ambition
Amusement
Anticipation
Appreciation
Approachability
Articulacy
Assertiveness
Assurance
Attentiveness
Attractiveness
Audacity
Availability
Awareness
Awe
Balance
Beauty
Being the best
Belonging
Benevolence
Bliss
Boldness
Bravery
Brilliance
Buoyancy
Calmness
Camaraderie
Candor
Capability
Care
Carefulness
Celebrity
Certainty
Challenge
Charity
Charm
Chastity
Cheerfulness
Clarity
Cleanliness
Clear-mindedness
Cleverness
Closeness
Comfort
Commitment
Compassion
Completion
Composure
Concentration
Confidence
Conformity
Congruency
Connection
Consciousness
Consistency
Contentment
Continuity
Contribution
Control
Conviction
Conviviality
Coolness
Cooperation
Cordiality
Correctness
Courage
Courtesy
Craftiness
Creativity
Credibility
Cunning
Curiosity
Daring
Decisiveness
Decorum
Deference
Delight
Dependability
Depth
Desire
Determination
Devotion
Devoutness
Dexterity
Dignity
Diligence
Direction
Directness
Discipline
Discovery
Discretion
Diversity
Dominance
Dreaming
Drive
Duty
Dynamism
Eagerness
Economy
Ecstasy
Education
Effectiveness
Efficiency
Elation
Elegance
Empathy
Encouragement
Endurance
Energy
Enjoyment
Entertainment
Enthusiasm
Excellence
Excitement
Exhilaration
Expectancy
Expediency
Experience
Expertise
Exploration
Expressiveness
Extravagance
Extroversion
Exuberance
Fairness
Faith
Fame
Family
Fascination
Fashion
Fearlessness
Ferocity
Fidelity
Fierceness
Financial independence
Firmness
Fitness
Flexibility
Flow
Fluency
Focus
Fortitude
Frankness
Freedom
Friendliness
Frugality
Fun
Gallantry
Generosity
Gentility
Giving
Grace
Gratitude
Gregariousness
Growth
Guidance
Happiness
Harmony
Health
Heart
Helpfulness
Heroism
Holiness
Honesty
Honor
Hopefulness
Hospitality
Humility
Humor
Hygiene
Imagination
Impact
Impartiality
Independence
Industry
Ingenuity
Inquisitiveness
Insightfulness
Inspiration
Integrity
Intelligence
Intensity
Intimacy
Intrepidness
Introversion
Intuition
Intuitiveness
Inventiveness
Investing
Joy
Judiciousness
Justice
Keenness
Kindness
Knowledge
Leadership
Learning
Liberation
Liberty
Liveliness
Logic
Longevity
Love
Loyalty
Majesty
Making a difference
Mastery
Maturity
Meekness
Mellowness
Meticulousness
Mindfulness
Modesty
Motivation
Mysteriousness
Neatness
Nerve
Obedience
Open-mindedness
Openness
Optimism
Order
Organization
Originality
Outlandishness
Outrageousness
Passion
Peace
Perceptiveness
Perfection
Perkiness
Perseverance
Persistence
Persuasiveness
Philanthropy
Piety
Playfulness
Pleasantness
Pleasure
Poise
Polish
Popularity
Potency
Power
Practicality
Pragmatism
Precision
Preparedness
Presence
Privacy
Proactivity
Professionalism
Prosperity
Prudence
Punctuality
Purity
Realism
Reason
Reasonableness
Recognition
Recreation
Refinement
Reflection
Relaxation
Reliability
Religiousness
Resilience
Resolution
Resolve
Resourcefulness
Respect
Rest
Restraint
Reverence
Richness
Rigor
Sacredness
Sacrifice
Sagacity
Saintliness
Sanguinity
Satisfaction
Security
Self-control
Selflessness
Self-reliance
Sensitivity
Sensuality
Serenity
Service
Sexuality
Sharing
Shrewdness
Significance
Silence
Silliness
Simplicity
Sincerity
Skillfulness
Solidarity
Solitude
Soundness
Speed
Spirit
Spirituality
Spontaneity
Spunk
Stability
Stealth
Stillness
Strength
Structure
Success
Support
Supremacy
Surprise
Sympathy
Synergy
Teamwork
Temperance
Thankfulness
Thoroughness
Thoughtfulness
Thrift
Tidiness
Timeliness
Traditionalism
Tranquility
Transcendence
Trust
Trustworthiness
Truth
Understanding
Unflappability
Uniqueness
Unity
Usefulness
Utility
Valor
Variety
Victory
Vigor
Virtue
Vision
Vitality
Vivacity
Warmth
Watchfulness
Wealth
Willfulness
Willingness
Winning
Wisdom
Wittiness
Wonder
Youthfulness
Zeal

When you have your list, ask yourself ‘how are your values reflected
in your parenting?’. What can you congratulate yourself on? And
what, if any, changes would you like to make? Let us know, we’d love
to hear from you.

Finally, a reminder of our services currently on offer to you:

Parent Coaching - One to One
An opportunity for you to work though something you are struggling
with as a parent. Gain insight into how working with a coach can
really make a difference to you and your family.
Cost: $60 - $120

Understanding Your Anger Workshop,
6.45-10pm, Tuesday September 7th 2010
Miramar Playcentre, Crawford Green, Miramar
Cost: $50 for 1 or $75 for 2 people attending

We began running our anger workshops this year. They are proving to
be popular as parents can really identify with anger! Parents are
saying there is a huge benefit in meeting other parents with similar
issues. People are coming away from the workshops with a greater
understanding of their own anger and ideas and strategies to deal with
it.

To register email he...@breathingspacenz.com

Upon registering you will receive two exercises that will ask you to
reflect on your anger, consider what the triggers might be and how
anger manifests itself for you. The workshop then introduces ways of
further understanding anger and it will provide strategies for you to
take more control of it.

For more information about us and our other services please visit
www.breathingspacenz.com

Best wishes,
Liz and Helen