puns for the weekend
Sonnie Willis
Past Puns of the day
1. A family with four boys and a history of weak eyes found
son-glasses very expensive.
2. A detective likes to have a brief case.
3. If we don't conserve water we could go from one ex-stream to
another.
4. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
5. A father got blazing mad when he found a fire set by his boy
behind their house, and said, 'I don't want arson doing things
like that.'
6. Farmers are real experts - they are often outstanding in their
field.
7. Old bakers never die, they just keep making lots of dough.
8. Doctors are never perfect because they are always practicing ...
and they have to have a lot of patients.
9. Are you wearing your golfer's socks? The pair with a hole in one.
10. Sign on a music store window: 'Come in, pick out a drum, then beat
it!'
11. I was going to go sailing and went shopping for a hat but started
to reconsider when they gave me a stern look and asked for my
capsize.
12. Ever tried honeymoon salad? It is lettuce alone.
13. Personal ads on computer are a kind of dater-processing.
14. Old mechanics never die - they just re-tire.
15. When the rangers argue at Yellowstone Park the geyser always
blowing their tops.
16. A lovely lady who lost her watch became a timeless beauty.
17. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No
change yet'.
18. There was a fireman who kept going back to college and finally got
third degree burnout.
19. At a company where they dig for gold, a labor dispute is a miner
problem where no one wants to get the shaft.
20. A lot of shady characters are waiting for their day in the sun.
21. The manufacturers of dynamite do a booming business.
22. To many girls the word 'marriage' has a nice ring to it.
23. A soldier never made it back to his base because he had driven his
jeep into AWOL.
24. My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden, before she decides it
is time to cummin.
25. The first drinking establishment in Alaska was a polar bar.
26. On the commodities exchange when the price of corn goes up, some
farmers are all ears. Others are only interested in the stalk
market.
27. Outdoor lights were put up at a golf course - for people who liked
swinging nightclubs.
28. With everything you read about spray cans and the ozone layer it's
enough to scareosol to death.
29. An unusual medical book is one which has no appendix.
30. The coffee around here is break fluid.
31. Stocks and bonds were originally used to imprison people. Have
things changed that much now that we have the stock market?
32. It wasn't school John disliked, it was just the principal of it.
33. Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice.
34. A business man who wanted more ties bought some in Thailand where
ties are very collar full.
35. To spot a glacier, you have to have good ice sight.
36. A dentist named Phil McCavity always quit work at tooth-hurtie.
37. After getting his master's degree, Bob, got a job as a postman,
reconciling that he was still a man of letters.
38. High jumpers should do well at the olympics because it's always on
a leap year.
39. A group of physicists is called a nucleus.
40. A policeman accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a
convict for a costume party. That cop learned never to book a
judge by his cover.
41. Sign at a place where you lose weight: 'Stop, Look, and Lessen'.
42. If you swallow uranium you will probably get atomic ache.
43. What did the nice girl say when her date invited her home to see
his stamp collection? 'Philately will get you nowhere'.
44. For a criminal, a change is NOT as good as arrest.