SG: Gomi #3-"The Death of Johnny Figment" Part III (2/2)
Randal Keith Milholland
"THE DEATH OF JOHNNY FIGMENT"
Part III - The Conclusion (1/2)
rkmilholland
"Then you, Hiro, are to wait invisibly in the shadows here until
the Tooth Fairy is left alone by her butler. If you- Hiro?" The leader
of the o-bake looked up. "Are you paying attention?"
The thinner o-bake looked worried. "I do not mean insubordinance,
Hito, but why can't we just worry about our own domain. We already have
gates to the Japanese dream realm."
"Hiro-san, I understand your worry, but take heart. We shall easily
overcome. Have you had any luck with that hammer we took from the captives?"
Hiro laid Betty's Phoenix hammer on the table. "No, I have been
unable to tap its power. Something about the Chinese enchantment. All I
can think to explain it is Yeh's ancestors much have anticipated certain
creatures trying to use it and they protected it." He paused. "Do you
hear something?"
Hito concentrated. "It sounds like our soldiers are... laughing."
"What's going on in here?" Hito demanded. "You are to be resting
and preparing - What is he doing free?"
"Isn't he adorable?" questioned a lesser o-bake. "I've never seen
anything so fluffy and cute and heart-warming and-"
"Marketable!" another o-bake added.
Buttonwiggles giggled and wriggled. "You're too kind! Now, let's
all play a special game. Who here likes to play duck-duck-goose?"
All the soldiers wildly waved their arms. "Oh! Oh! Can I be it?"
cried one of them.
"Enough!" Hito gestured to the closest soldier. "Kunji-san, either
destroy the prisoner or commit ritualistic suicide!"
"Do I hafta?" he whined.
"YES!"
With a huff, the soldier rose to his clawed feet and trudged to
Buttonwiggles. "My commander says we can't play anymore and I hafta kill
you."
The rabbit rubbed his furry tummy. "Quite all right. We must all
respect our elders and those of high station, be they your mother and father
or a blood-thirsty maniacal leader. But first," Buttonwiggles said, reaching
into his jacket, "I have a special gift - and Easter egg."
The o-bake clapped excitedly.
"It's not just any egg. It's a magical Easter egg," Buttonwiggles
told them. He pulled out a golden egg with a bizarre, gridlike and plastic
texture. "Now, here you go. Take it, say `kudasei' three times, and yank
out the magic pin."
"Gotcha!" the o-bake barked, giving a thumbs-up. "Kuda-"
"Wait!" Buttonwiggles hopped behind an overturned bench. "Okay!"
"No, idiots!" Hito screamed.
"Kudasei, kudasei, kudasei!" the o-bake chanted.
Kunji pulled the pin, and a blinding flash filled the room.
Death didn't feel as painful as he feared, Hito thought. After a few
seconds, though, Hito realized he wasn't dead at all. He was in a fetal
position, as were all the o-bake, and in a puddle of his own urine.
But he was very alive.
Timonius entered the room about this time. "Hey, I'm sorta hungry.
Mind if I drain a prisoner?" He stopped. "Cool, an Easter egg." Bending to
where Kunji dropped the "egg", Timonius poked harmlessly at it.
And then, the side cracked.
"It's hatching!" an o-bake said excitedly.
"A chickie! A chickie!"
"I'm gonna name him Yoshi!" said another.
"You are not! He's mine! The bunny gave me the egg," Kunji growled.
A black cloud seeped out of the crack of the egg and spread
throughout the room. It wrapped its sinister tentacles around all but
the bunny. "I already have a name I'm very fond of, thank you," a voice
boomed.
"A-a-akuma!" Hito spun back against the earthen walls in fear.
"An akuma! It's come to steal our souls!"
As if triggered, the smoke spun about and pulled into the center of
the room where it formed the vague outline of a human-like shape.
"I'll have you know I am a ghost," Skinnybutt warned, stomping
towards Hito. "I'm a 2,000+ year old guide ghost, bound by honor to the
clans of Lee, Yeh, and Tsuin and I don't steal souls!" Skinnybutt turned
red, and then stepped back a bit. "Not since the court order anyway."
Hito found his courage again. "Look at this, boys, a half-rotted
back of threats. Who here wants to shows this guy how we handle undead?"
Hiro wrapped his scaled fingers around two of Skinnybutt's ribs
and lifted the ghost up. "I'm going to personally take pleasure into
beating you into such a sore lump of dust you'll wish you'd followed the
light."
"You should probably put me down now," Skinnybutt warned.
"Or what's the big bad ghost gonna do?" Hiro laughed. "Die at me?"
"You're making Boopsie angry," Skinnybutt said. "Don't make Boopsie
angry. You wouldn't like Boopsie angry."
Skinnybutt's rib cage promptly popped open like a jack-in-the-box
and out flew a ten-foot long jade-like dragon with a name tag labelled
"Boopsie." Boopsie firmly planted her foreclaws in Hiro's chest and threw
him against the floor, forcing a yelp of agony out of him. In a flash,
the dragon forced its snout into Hiro's mouth and began pushing its mass
into the o-bake. In half a second, it was gone.
"Oh no. I'm sorry," Skinnybutt said. "As we are speaking, Boopsie
is poisoning your blood stream with his venom sacks, eating your less vital
organs and important brain lobes. In a few seconds, you'll begin
experiencing gradual paralyzation until slowly no muscle in your body
will be able to pull or retract except for your the cardiac muscles in your
right atrium. Blood well be pulled in but unable to be propelled throughout
the rest of the body. Not that this matters because your diaphragm is now
useless as well, meaning you well be unable to breath and slowly you shall
asphyxiate."
The o-bake popped in a stream of gore.
"Or he could just explode you," the ghost added as the dragon
crawled back into Skinnybutt's chest and shut the ribs behind him.
And then, the back up arrived. Sweller erupted in a battle
scream, rolling his mountainous blubber over four o-bake in one shot. Hell
Kitty flew into the face of an o-bake and set to clawing his eyes out.
"Fools, stop them or let your ancestors be dishonored," Hito called.
"Japanese, eh?" Innuendo hissed with a grin, sliding over to Hito
and a few of his cronies. "Man oh man, I've done a few special Pearl Harbor
bombings in my time, too." He winked.
"What are you getting at?" Hito asked.
"Oh, what I want I've already gotten," Innuendo Man laughed. "I
learned a lot from the Japanese businessmen, like the-" He put his arms
behind his head and did a pelvic thrust, "Sony Hostile Takeover Maneuver."
Hito became flustered. "Are you being sexual? Is that sexual?
Is he hinting at something?" Hito shook it off. "Shut up, you foul
American. Look at you- in polyster and slicked hair. That is no proper
battle attire. You are no warrior!"
Innuendo Man placed his hands on his hips and shook them about.
"Maybe not, but I've got an experienced samurai in my pants, waiting to
divide and conquer the foreign fleets."
"Kill him!" Hito motioned to his goons.
"I'm not touching him," confessed an o-bake.
"He might have something," said another.
"He looks oily."
The leader couldn't believe it. His forces were falling to a
Chinese girl and her host of misfits. All around him, the o-bake were
falling to their attacks. This battle was over. The only thing left to
do was very unlike him, but there was no other option.
But first, he'd get something.
The vampire ran up to Skinnybutt. "Vile spirit, you dare assault
my legions?"
Skinnybutt squinted. "What are you supposed to be?"
"It's not what I'm supposed to be, it is what I _am_." Timonius
struck a dramatic pose. "Behold, lesser ghoul, Timonius the Vampire-Lord
of the Night, Master of Sins, Bender of Whims, Thief of Life."
Skinnybutt giggled and pointed. "Puppy!"
"No, I'm not Puppy! I'm Timonius the Vampire-Lord!"
"No, you're Puppy!" Skinnybutt grew angry. "I know what you are!
I bet you're not even a real vampire! You're probably some sexually
frustrated teeny bopper!"
Timonius suddenly felt threatened. He had to prove himself. "Oh
yeah? I'll show you I am!" The vampire poser attempted to bite Skinnybutt
on the neck and suck his fluids.
"Timonius, maybe I should tell you that Skinnybutt doesn't even
have blood," Betty announced.
"It doesn't matter, Betty," the ghost assured. "He's not even
breaking the skin."
Timonius drew back, spitting. "Oh, icky nasties!"
"You're not a vampire," Skinnybutt restated. "You have no fangs...
and the undead never wear braces."
"You're lame," Hell Kitty added.
Still, Betty thought to herself, Timonius could prove to be an
annoyance later on. Better give him a warning beating.
"Skinnybutt," she said, "did I mention Timonius told me he was going
to make me, against my will, his bride?"
The ghost stopped.
"That means he was probably going to touch me, maybe kiss me."
She looked about. "Even do something... sexual."
"WHAT?!" Skinnybutt whirled around to face the offender.
"It's not what it seems, big guy- HEY! Those joints aren't
supposed to be moveable!" Timonius wailed.
"They are now," Skinnybutt growled and watched the boy slump to
the floor.
"Betty," Sweller yelled while fumbling up from a pile of now
thin o-bake. "The leader is getting away with your hammer!"
Hito was running across a natural bridge over a pool of lava,
clutching Betty's hammer. There was no time to catch up, and Skinnybutt
knew if he escaped that the hammer, Betty's inheritance and over three
thousand years of family history would be gone. He reached into his jacket
and threw the first thing he grabbed at the o-bake.
The baby hit the o-bake with a solid, wet thud. Hito dropped the
hammer, and he and the baby fell into the lava.
Betty glared at Skinnybutt. "When we get home, I know _someone_
who's gonna have a quiet time."
***!!***
"Darrig, thanks for taking us home." Betty smiled. "And
congratulations on your release and promotion."
The leprechaun tipped his hat to the girl. "It is I who should
thank ye, Miss. You gave my freedom back, and ye saved my home. I hope
the payment was suffice."
"It will," the PI assured. "If you don't mind, it's late and I
school later so-"
"Aye, miss, I understand." Darrig walked towards the door and
stopped. "I hope ye like the new sign."
"What sign?" Betty asked.
"The one in yer yard."
Betty threw the little faerie out of her way and ran into the yard.
It was pitch black out, but in the middle of her yard it sat, like a
lighthouse. A shiny black pole supported an eerily luminated sign that
read in bright ruby letters:
The Residence of Miss Betty Yeh
Servant of the Peoples of the World,
Dead or Living,
Private Investigator, and Supernatural Consultant
Fair Rates
All Forms of Life and Un-Life Welcome
"What the Hell(tm)? Are you kidding?" Betty felt her head
aching.
"It was Mr. Figment's belief yer fate lay ahead in the field of
supernatural aid. He arranged for, upon completion of yer quest, this
sign to appear in yer yard." Darrig smiled. "Should any supernatural
force need yer aid, it will guide them to ye - unless they mean ye
harm."
Betty stepped back. "But I hate ghosts! The supernatural gives
me creeps! I can tolerate Skinnybutt because I grew up with him. He's
like a pet."
The argument ended, though. Darrig disappeared. Betty trudged
back to her office and sat in her chair. She could feel her life changing
at this very moment. Perhaps, she thought, the radio would take her mind
off it for a while.
She reached over, turned it on, and a familiar voice entered the
room from the little box. "And that was another new track from the
local band `Septic Preacher.' Mr. Morbid here. This is the time on
KILL Radio when we talk about local bands, but there haven't been many
new releases and, to be honest, I'd rather sit here and make out with my
girlfriend Amber. Since it's late at night and the FCC is probably not
paying attention, plus we've had a lot of requests for it, we're going
to replay this morning's broadcast of Two-Way Tina - the good parts
abridged version. Now, if you have heart conditions or are a pregnant
woman, do not listen! KILL Radio is not responsible for _ANY_ complications
resulting from listening. And now, TINA!"
Betty reached for the power switch, thought it over, and said, "Oh,
to Hell(tm) with it" and sat back for the broadcast.
The voice of Two-Way Tina piped up. "Well, now that I have my two
lovelies alone, I believe you two had something to show me?"
A bubbly giggle echoed from the radio. "That's right, Tina. We
call our Double-Joint Virgin Snapper. After oiling up reeeeeeeeeeeal good,
Gropey and I place our feet on each other's p...is like so, and pu....
spa................twitch the cat-"
The rest was permeated by static. "Damn you, I'm tired and wanna
hear something mind numbing!" Betty slammed her fist on the radio.
"It's not the radio's fault," announced a voice. "It's mine. I
tend to interfere with radio transmissions."
Betty looked up and saw a bizarre, glowing fishlike beast covered
in what appeared to be slime and circuitry. "Ms. Yeh?" The beast hesitated.
"I need your help."
Betty felt her stomach turning already.
The End
See you next time, kids! Thanks for a fun first mini-series!
See you next week <probably>!
+++++++++++++++++++
=========================================================================
||(C)opyright 1996 rkmilholland/ || Sacred Circle of Confusion, LTD. ||
|| Knight of NEE! #166 || "Because Buddha loves you, and ||
|| rkm...@jove.acs.unt.edu || I have a gun." ||
=========================================================================
MR. MORBID, AMBER, and KILL RADIO are (C)opyright 1996 Don Cook