SG: Superguy History '95, part 6
jazz in the ravine
Rad holds an awesome retirement party a few days later, attended by a few
former AF members as well as virtually every member of Rad's huge
supporting cast. Manny forms the supergroup CalForce (Confusion (Manny),
Doubt, Faith, Healer, Radian (Akane), Badass, Key, Yury, and Chalandra).
They take possession of their new HQ in Los Angeles - a thousand-foot tall
'C', built by drunken Heyustarddedit engineers and even-more-sloshed Dalan
construction crews. The Dis/Order of the Exploding Chao manages to hook a
data corridor path to the megaframe that the engineers install, linking it
to a mainframe in Pittsburgh, without the knowledge of CalForce. Rad,
Glum, GLADYS and Galaxy Hunter return to Hottentot, and a new era begins
for Californians everywhere.
The Armadillo contends with RoboCapone, whom he defeats. RoboCapone sets
his sights on the St. Ignacius Home for Boys Who Have Fallen as his only
hope for continuing Project Delta. Stetson Tyler returns to Earth,
unawares that it is Earth-Superguy, rather than Earth-Sfstory, where he
left.
Dr. Frank N. Stein forces Dick Daring to drink a potion that will make him
look like a member of Milli Vanilli, but Jakov Pisov rescues him.
Meanwhile, the Pun-isher searches for King Pun, and Conan the Librarian
confronts the Tribesmen of KO and a bunch of Chinese barbarians led by
Kandue and Dewit. Meanwhile, Hari-Kari tries to make Saki pay.
After defeating a mugger and causing carnage in the subway, Mighty Guy
teams up with Trashman to track down Ratman and Dr. Unorthodox, who are
building a giant cannon that uses the Nun's car, while the Nun herself
powers it, while believing she is on the road running over protestants. In
the Hypervault, the Dash tries to get out.
Silly Wizzard develops some new Ginsu armor to allow him back into the
Superhero biz. He puts out a fire and contends with RoboCrook, who
throttles him and steals the Awesomemobile, along with Gus. Eventually, it
is determined that it is FlatPhoot, disguised as Donald Trump, who is
running another of his evil schemes. With the help of Particle Girl, the
Armadillo, Bunny Wabbyt, and !, Silly Wizzard (who takes the new name of
Ginsu 2000) defeats FlatPhoot and his minions (Robocrook, Pit Boss, the
One-Armed Bandit, and Roulette). Particle Girl, !, and Ginsu 2000 decide
to found a new super-group, Defense Squad, and hold auditions for new
members. Ignorant Man and Wonder Grunion join the group by this fashion.
In the orbit of Jupiter, a really climactic confrontation between Cyrebrax,
Ramrod, the fragment, the Annihilator, Meredith, Avery Creed, etc, etc,
takes place. So climactic, in fact, that what actually happened has not
yet been revealed, save for the fact that Ramrod sacrificed every scrap of
magic within him during the conflict, making him 'magic null.' But it was
climactic, rest assured. Cyrebrax's ship leaves Jupiter's orbit, heading
for parts unknown. Ramrod escapes, pushed by Batsman into the
HerrStimleyite ship before Cyrebrax leaves, and returns to Earth, crashing
the ship into the bay and letting it sink. Batsman dies in the cold vacuum
of space, and her spirit is picked up by Elvis and Dr. Kilohertzmunn in a
limousine. Merelith withdraws the last bit of cosmic awareness from
Ramrod, leaving him as he was before. Soon thereafter, Ramrod visits Ginsu
2000, catching up on old times and taking possession of Gus, the Awesome
Force AI.
Marv-Ellis, a Kreep warrior, heads for Earth, hoping to safeguard an
ancient Kreep weapon there. The Bluds, who are at war with the Kreeps,
send a warship after Marv-Ellis, who crash lands on Earth. Dr. Toon comes
out of retirement and steals the secret weapon. Defense Squad, with a new
member named Dropout, finds Marv-Ellis and agree to help him locate the
ancient Kreep base before the Bluds or Dr. Toon can. With Andy Awesome's
help, they determine it is below Graceland, and find a Kreep AI, Jake,
there. Jake tells them that the Damn Thing is the key to unlock the box
containing the secret weapon, and Defense Squad races Dr. Toon to White
Sands, where the Damn Thing is locked up. They get the weapon from Dr.
Toon and unlock it, revealing the Vega Bands, which Marv-Ellis puts on,
giving him a fraction of the power of Elvis. Dr. Toon is captured and sent
to the Really-Really-Hard-To-Get-Out-of-Place, the Bluds are repulsed into
space, and Marv-Ellis joins Defense Squad as Captain Marvelous. Jake
agrees to become the Defense Squad AI, and downloads himself into !'s
computer, taking a while to get settled in.
The Extreme Team gains a new member when the deceased Lucky Louie McScum
foils a bank robbery and joins the team as Deadman.
Ramrod is captured and hypnotized by Ennui, an M.I.B. operative, into
becoming a top 40 teen idol, sweeping the country with massive hits like
"It's Ramrod, Girl," "You Know it, Girl", and "Trust the Government, Girl."
He becomes Ennui's lover, and his relationship with his friends is
strained.
high-jinx, in New Mexico with Kim Stone, contends with the Channeler, and
keeps careful track of Ramrod's new career. He also contends with SAPOSA
(the Secret Alliance for Prevention of Stupid Acronyms). His battle with
Zozobra, over the spirit of Elvis, takes place roughly at this point in the
history, as does his break with Kim Stone, although it has not been
revealed whether they occurred before or after the events in the following
paragraph. high-jinx does not become aware that Kim Stone is pregnant with
his child until several years later.
Batsman's spirit contacts Ramrod one final time before leaving forever,
breaking the spell and leaving a white rose behind. Ramrod and Gus manage
to wire Ramrod so that he can undo the damage that the subliminals in his
songs had been causing in the final concert. He's joined on stage by Elvis
himself for renditions of songs by Primus and Foetus, and is joined by
Gengras and Adso in defeating Ennui and the masterminds behind the plot -
FlatPhoot and Special Special Agent Richard Less.
Relativity Woman returns home and describes to Lars, the retired
Dangerousman, how she, Pickle (the Lost Author), Dr. Kilohertzmunn, and
Roger Scramjet defeated Satan T. Lucifer's agents on Earth, found the Noj,
and used it to destroy the Satanic ships that had invaded the Superguy
altiverse, though Dr. Kilohertzmunn died in the process. Pickle, having
reunited his various selves, heads off into space again, destination
unknown. Sod thieves capture Lars and take him to the Moon. Lars learns
that the family taking the sod thought it was okay to do so, and would not
have done so if they knew people on Earth minded. Villains wanting to run
the families off their property to make room for a railway kidnap the
Jones' daughter, but Lars rescues her and blows the bad guys up real good.
He is then returned to Earth, with a check for $760,000, the value of the
sod taken on the Lunar market.
The Legion of Stuporheroes (save for Superior Man) are revived from the
Not Quite Exactly Technically Dead (tm) by a pale woman, who blanks their
memories and disperses the Legion to various planets. AverageMan is sent
to Super World, his home planet, where he confronts Dr. Doom-Wannabe,
Syntax Error, Hard n Heavy, and Redundant Man, who have come to Super World
to pull the plug on it. Maximillian is sent to Planet Cream, where the
GRRRR have decimated his race, and works on rebuilding the race while
battling and defeating the GRRRR. Superior Man lies in a coma, monitored
by Lt. Drebbin. WaWa Woman is menaced by goons of Commissioner Gordo.
Nick Furry recruits Robopop, and they head to base Alpha Beta, signalling
Rambutt and the robot Melvin to leave the Hall of Just Ice and join them.
As Furry and Robopop walk to Alpha Beta, they walk under a nuclear test
site and get bombed. Clapper Man causes the Superguy issue numbers to
reset.
Dr. Sleaze and Dr. Pop mind-control a horde of college students, sending
them on a rampage, which the Defense Squad defeats by using Dropout's
teleportation powers to teleport the clothing off the students, thus
removing the clothing items that the evil Doctors used to control the
students. When the Defense Squad confronts Dr. Sleaze, he turns out to be
a robot. Dr. Pop escapes. Also during this time, Defense Squad battles
and imprisons the Surrealist, who had been accidently created by Dr.
Lightbuzz' Surrealism Ray.
The Solutions? Ultd. space station returns to Earth orbit from who knows
where, and is named Station Ari, as the Solutions? team opens the nightclub
known as the Terrapod, and gets down to super-heroing again. General Edgar
Hoogland returns to the Butte to plan how to menace them.
Around this time, Satan T. Lucifer Jones' forces annihilate NICBBS, and
the Superguy altiverse, along with the SfStory altiverse, is reincarnated
on UCF1VM, with the help of the Sage. None of this is realized by the
inhabitants of the altiverses, who see life going on without a break in
continuity.
The Shriners land a Buick in Seclet Rabolatoly, Minnesota, planning to
start a fundraiser against the Deadheads from Planet X. Fu Manchu and his
cousin Wally are too drunk to notice this, but they do record the event.
George and Dr. Fore drink coffee and foreshadow the appearance of Mister
Safety. A supervillian searches for Bulletproof. Axe-Man and the Punk
with a Gun arrive in Minnesota, riding in the Stealth Beetle. Meanwhile,
in the city of Bob, Ace Reporter (aka Genericman) takes a break from
searching for Planet Planet with Solly and goes to work, where he meets a
young reporter, Helen Interest. In space, a 1957 Chevy Bel-Air floats.
The Robert Smith who had been possessed by Gorgax and died on Planet New
Jersey escapes from Satan T. Lucifer Jones' hell fleet, with the power to
depress anyone he comes into contact with. He crosses over to the Superguy
altiverse and arrives on Earth. Defense Squad sends him to the north pole,
where he can be alone and depressed, as he wishes. The Damn Thing is
discovered to be missing. Particle Girl and Dropout confront the Chia
Pest, who had formerly been Chester Weems before being pushed into a vat of
Chia Pet solution by agents of SNUCCI.
Dr. Lightbuzz tests his rebuilt surrealism ray on a toxic waste site in New
Jersey, unwittingly causing a small skunk to mutate into Superskunk.
The evil Paul Tsongas plots with Ted Kennedy, Michael Dukakis, and other
leading Democrats to take control of the country through his invention, the
Demoleks, who cry out, "Seek! Locate! Nominate!" George Bush sends Dan
Quayle to investigate, and Quayle instigates "Operation: Watch Tsongas",
unaware that he is actually monitoring a robotic Tsongas, not the disabled,
criminally insane Tsongas, who was the result of the Democrat's experiments
with charisma infusion. Defense Squad gets involved when they stop Phil
Collins from delivering vital parts to Tsongas' base. Agent Cooper gets
Ginsu 2000 to cut his hair and infiltrate Tsongas' operation, where he
learns of the evil plans. Defense Squad demolishes the Demoleks and
seemingly buries Tsongas under tons of rubble. Quayle and his Secret
Covert Undercover Mercenaries (S.C.U.M.) arrive soon after the battle,
although the Democrats can't be prosecuted since Defense Squad buried the
evidence, literally. The Chia Pest also joins the Defense Squad during
this adventure, when he helps them capture William Kennedy Smith.
Dr. Unorthodox, Black Steel, Blue Steel, and Ratman capture Mike Green and
throw him in the Hypervault with the Dash, a super-fast hero they captured
earlier. Dr. Unorthodox reveals that a traitor in the noble and high-in-
moral-fiber Xolchipalian Defense Forces gave him and the League of
Unconcerned Scientists the plans for the Omnishot Cannon XVI, which is
powered by the Nun on the Road's car, while the Nun thinks she's on the
road, running over Protestants. Mighty Guy and Trashman battle the
villains, destroying some Hartford student housing in the process, and are
defeated when Mighty Guy falls victim to paisly heliumite, which makes him
very weak. Spandex Babe, who followed Mighty Guy and Trashman to Hartford,
tries to help but gets captured as well, and all three heroes get thrown
into the Hypervault, as Dr. Unorthodox reveals he plans to kill Mighty Guy
for accidentally killing his father.
Verbose Man and Dr. Taciturn, the Death Dodgers, leave their HQ,
Serendipity Central, and encounter Ted and Janet breaking into a warehouse.
Mrs. Nelson and Dangerkitty show up and drive off Ted and Janet, as two
super-powered cops, Deskjockey and Paperpusher, approach, and the origins
of Verbose Man and Dr. Taciturn are revealed.
Nick Furry and Robopop survive being bombed and make it to Alpha Beta,
where they greet Melvin and Rambutt and face off against Clapper Man. Nick
Furry and Robopop meet Agent Gettit and Agent Orange, and inquire about the
box in cell block 13. More Legion of Stuporheroes members, namely
Maximillian, AverageMan, and WaWaWoman, return just in time to get audited
by the IRS. On Super World, Dr. Doom-Wannabe finds the right plug and
unplugs Super World, causing the inhabitants to lose their super powers.
Ken Cooney, the Legion of Stuporheroes Author, becomes Captain Kilowatt and
leaves to defeat Dr. Doom-Wannabe, leaving his Authorship powers in the
care of Melvin the robot. Dr. Doom-Wannabe defeats him and uses the new
powers he gets from Super World to destroy every planet except Super World
and Earth. Fortunately, the planets reappear several seconds later.
SNUCCI digs up Dr. Toon's Virtual Mindscape Generator from under the rubble
of the Trachtenburg Beer Brewery and plans to use it, along with the
Surrealism ray and the Dead Sea Scrolls, to bring the dreaded Cthulhu to
this plane. However, David Letterman, aka Late Night M00se, having
infiltrated SNUCCI a while ago, delays the plot by contesting Jay Leno's
succession to King of Late Night, one of the most important positions
within SNUCCI, rivaled only by the position of High Priest, occupied by
Phil Donahue. After a trial, Johnny Carson decides that Jay Leno will
still be his successor, but by this time, Defense Squad has managed to
track them down and defeats their plans. Letterman returns to New York,
where Paul Schaffer and Terri Garr promise him the continued backing of the
M00se Illuminati in his efforts to shut down SNUCCI.
Stan Mushnik opens Bunzai Pizza stores in the city of Bob, markedly
decreasing the market share of Photo's Pizza, which is owned by FlatPhoot.
FlatPhoot's goons rough up a Bunzai pizza delivery guy, and the Pizza Wars
begin. Meanwhile, Intercontinental Salvage finds something in Akron.
Mighty Guy, Trashman, the Dash, Spandex Babe, and Mike Green decided to
join forces as the Adjusted League Unimpeachable, and Mike Green turns out
to have the power to summon Monty Python skits at will, and summons the
Spanish Inquisition, which breaks them out of the Hypervault. With the
help of Dr. Unorthodox's daughter, Trudy, the League destroys the Omnishot
Cannon XVI and defeats the bad guys, though the Nun on the Road drives off
in her Lincoln, to terrorize drivers again. Boston is destroyed in the
battle, but Superguy rebuilds it. Hartford also takes it on the chin, but
the Man With Two First Names erects defense screens to defend his
characters and settings, namely Elizabeth Anderson and her on-campus
housing. CHAOS Engineer sends Intercontinental Salvage to Hartford to
rebuild it, but they find when they arrive that Superguy has already done
so. Meanwhile, as a result of Eurydice's over-dusting of the Man With Two
First Names in the Author's Altiverse, golden dust seeps into Elizabeth's
apartment in the Superguy Altiverse, though it does not seem to have had
any effect so far.
Captain Marvelous' brother, Ah-Nuld, arrives on Earth and convinces Defense
Squad to journey into space with him to rescue his' and Marv-Ellis' sister
Ta-Mara, who is being held by the Blud Emperor Skullbasher V. They borrow
the Awesome Force shuttle and head out. Jake accompanies them by inhabiting
the body of the robotic Dr. Sleaze. They reach Salonian space, and some
of them beam over to the Salonian ship, while others are captured by the
Bluds. Skullcrusher V blackmails Capt. Marvelous into stealing the Golden
Disk, which he reluctantly agrees to do, unaware that Skullcrusher V has
struck a deal with Satan T. Lucifer Jones through his agent, Humphrey
Bogart. The other captive Defense Squad members are taken to Planet Mexico
in the Sombrero system, and Ginsu 2000 discovers a double of himself on the
way there, who turns out to be the Indestructible Kid, who had been put in
the wrong altiverse accidentally, when the altiverses were moved to UCF1VM.
The other Defense Squad members visit the Sage and get information they
need to find the Golden Disk, which turns out to be a 45 of Elvis Presley's
"Jailhouse Rock". Satan T. Lucifer Jones doublecrosses Skullcrusher V,
who joins forces with Defense Squad. In the finale on Planet Mexico,
thanks to the Disc, Elvis is reincarnated into the altiverses, taking over
the body of the sorcerer Tim. The Sage sends the Indestructible Kid back
to SfStory, Tam-Ara gets superpowers as a result of the battle, and war
between the Kreeps and the Bluds is averted. The Defense Squad is reunited
and return to Earth, returning the Awesome Shuttle to Andy Awesome.
Andy Awesome helps the Adjusted League Unimpeachable get their spaceship
spaceworthy so they can go to Xolchipalia, while Dr. Claw, Dr. Teeth,
Dr. Pepper, and Dr. Science (not the same Dr. Science who menaced Rad on
Earth) plot evil things.
Defense Squad deals with zombified students created by rotting spam,
managing to return them to normal, while Dr. Lightbuzz gets private funding
from Howard Hughes, an agent of Satan T. Lucifer Jones, and develops a
time-machine, while Satan's Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Terrorists prepare to
attack the Pentagon.
Superskunk does some traveling, stops an illegal police search with his
surrealism powers, engages in mass-hugging with the Mon Amis patrol, and
is cornered by a sherriff, whom Superskunk defeats and sends back home.
In alt.altiversal madness, Braniac, Tesserac Man and ROT-13 Man meet and
are taken by Elvis to see the Sage, and get involved in a massive battle in
the Authors Altiverse between Elvis and James Brown, a battle which Elvis
wins. Presumably, Braniac, Tesserac Man and ROT-13 Man are returned to the
Superguy Altiverse afterwards. Joe Isuzu appears in Graceland, for some
probably evil reason that has not yet been revealed.
A woman claiming to be the daughter of Superguy arrives at Station Ari, and
Solutions? Ultd. battles the forces of a robotic Sam Walton.
The Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Terrorists attack the Pentagon, while the
Defense Squad confronts Dr. Lightbuzz over the time machine he has created,
and time is accidentally altered, shifting events to a timeline where the
wheel was never invented, and the members of Defense Squad are unaware that
time has been altered. Eventually, they figure things out, get back
together, and head out to New York, to retrieve the Damn Thing so Lord Grun
can send one of them back in time to undue the historical foulup of the
wheel not being invented. Satan T. Lucifer Jones endeavors to prevent this
by sending cavalry led by John Wayne to Earth to stop them. Neither they
nor Lord Phoot's forces, nor the Church of Cthulhu, are able to prevent
Defense Squad from sending Ignorantman back in time to restore history,
shifting the timeline back to the one in which the wheel was invented. Due
to the vagaries of time and so on, the only ones who retain memories of
this are Ignorantman, Captain Marvelous, Elvis, and Satan T. Lucifer Jones.
Nick Furry and Robopop agree to help Bolemic Boy and Stan the Toilet Man
retrieve Stan's toolbox, but get bombed. Stan and Bolemic find the
toolbox and cross through it back into the 2-D dimension, and the toolbox
explodes. Lue Ferrigno sells the Schwartzenegger dolls Dr. Yes created
to Weebee toys, and they explode. Agents Orange and Gettit, going through
files, smell gas and get caught in an explosion. Super Bullet and Indiana
Joe continue to look for Stan and find Finger Man. In the 2-D dimension,
Max and Hogan try to find a way out of Stalag 13 and locate Mayor
Goodfurnothin, and are blown up by a bomb, while Plainville appears to be
about ready to blow up.
(to be continued...)
--
Gary W. Olson sw...@sojourn1.sojourn.com sw...@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu
http://www.sojourn.com/~swede