SF: SA #14, Wherein the _Anonymous_ Has Its First Space Battle
David Menendez
STARCRUISER ANONYMOUS
(A Tale Within Sfstory)
Episode 14
Wherein the _Anonymous_
Has Its First Space Battle
by
Dave Menendez
-------------------
When you combine two independent governments into a loose confederation,
there will be some redundancies. For highly-regional departments, like the
police and the post office, resolving the problems is fairly easy. Things
like the military, on the other hand, are more difficult to deal with. In
the case of the Zakavian Empire, the two redundant military forces were the
Blargoloid Unified Military Amalgam, which was powerful enough to defeat
random space fleets fairly regularly, and the Caphanite Defense Armada,
which was powerful enough to defeat an army of rampaging cows (specifically,
they were powerful enough to repel an invasion by the Cybercows of
Bhagavad II; tales of that battle are still told in the various hamburger
shops that opened soon after the battle concluded).
After the creation of the Zakavian Empire, the Blargoloid forces became
the Zakavian Imperial Military Aggregate -- the Empire's Heavily Armed
Ambassadors of Fun and Excitement -- and the CDA remained exactly the same,
still protecting the systems of the old Caphanite Interstellar Alliance. To
Supreme Captain-Commander Kvasha, the continued existence of the CDA was
constant source of irritation. The most recent irritation was the failure
of Captain-Generals Mselt and Tvanir to keep order on Arorua and requesting
the Alpha Ra. Commissioner Sedoc had suggested that perhaps the CDA was
better suited to keeping order on the Zakavian Protectorates, which would
virtually eliminate the Blargoloid presence there, as the Diplomatic Service
was mostly Caphanite to begin with. While Kvasha tried to stay above the
pointless Caphanite/Blargoloid infighting, he wasn't about to let the CDA
steal ground from ZIMA.
Which meant the situation on Arorua had to be resolved, fast. Which
meant that, despite his mistrust of the Sonar Men, Kvasha needed to send in
the giant robot Alpha Ra. After a few days of preparations, it was ready to
leave, and Kvasha was hurrying to the Communications Room to see it off.
He slowed a bit when he noticed two people casually standing near the
door to the "Balcony", the private command deck above the rest of
Communications Room. He recognized both of them: the female worked for the
Guild of Vending Machine Technicians and was _supposed_ to be on the _Absurd
Physical Harm_ in Arorua, and the male claimed to be a reporter for
_Conqueror's Quarterly_.
"You there!" he called, as he got close. They looked up, startled. The
female -- Kadar, he remembered -- stuck a hand in her pocket. Kvasha raised
a hand and the guards flanking him relaxed, or so it would appear to the
unobservant. (The guards were part of a security measure implemented after
a group of students blew up part of the City of Gloom as part of a protest
against the general atmosphere of grim desolation that made Planet Gloom
(thankfully) unique. He had warned Vakaz about having the Zakavian
Institute of Technology located on Planet Gloom, but Vakaz had been busy
eating at the time and missed it.)
"Good afternoon, Supreme Captain-Commander," the reporter said,
emanating enough sincerity to make anyone suspicious. "I trust you are
well?"
"I see you are interviewing one of the Vending Machine Technicians?"
Kvasha asked. "I wouldn't have guessed her opinion would be needed for an
interior design article."
"Well ... you'd be surprised."
"Probably," Kvasha agreed. "I have a confession to make, actually.
Before you came here I had never heard of _Conqueror's Quarterly_. I didn't
want to seem ignorant, so I had some people look for information it." He
paused for effect, noting that Kadar was better at hiding uncertainty than
the reporter. "There _is_ no such publication by that title."
The reporter blinked. "Would you believe we're a small, independent
publication?" he asked.
"To be honest, no." He gestured, and one of the guards grabbed the
Reporter, who began making indignant comments about his rights. Ignoring
that, Kvasha turned to Kadar, whose expression was carefully neutral. "I
see you aren't on Arorua."
She nodded. "I was on my way to the shuttle when some of your guards
hit me with a blunt object. Evidently, the fleet left without me."
"Ah, so you are also the missing Technician who was supposed to repair
the Emperor's machines. I note that they remain unrepaired."
"A team of five is needed for that level of repair work. No one
Technician has all the skills to repair a Machine. It's for security
reasons."
Kvasha smiled. "I see. And you just _happened_ to be hanging around a
restricted area with a spy." Another gesture, and the second guard stepped
forward. Kadar tried to draw a weapon, but the second guard had been ready
with the Sleep-o-Stun.
<<Wow,>> he commented. <<She's got one of those handguns with the
blinking lights.>>
<<Powerful weapon,>> the other agreed, <<even for a spy.>>
"I don't really care," Kvasha admitted. "Take them to that dungeon
Vakaz put in." Ignoring the reporter's panicked threats, he strode onto the
Balcony overlooking the Communications Room. A shadow moving in the corner
of his eye briefly caught his attention, but nothing was there when he
turned on the lights. "Stupid rats," he mumbled. "They're not even
_native_ here, they had to immigrate. To Planet Gloom." He chuckled at the
irony: they had left their warm, comfortable homes and braved the cold,
hostile cargo decks of the star freighters, only to end up _here_. Of
course, being rats, they probably hadn't noticed.
The announcement that Alpha Ra was ready to enter overly-hyped space
startled him out of his train of thoughts, thus ending another pointless
digression. He stepped forward, to get a good view on the immense monitor.
While ships leaving and arriving were not uncommon, he had had a premonition
that _this_ time something important would come up and he would need to be
there.
"Leaving ... now," the Communication Room's commander announced, as the
A/600 Warrior-Ship vanished into the astoundingly uninteresting light of
overly-hyped space.
Nothing happened.
"I guess I was mistaken," Kvasha mused. "At least I caught those spies.
I ... hmm." He trailed off; a thought had presented itself, and then fled
for cover before he could identify it.
"...Odd," one of the officers below commented. "We're still reading
massive overly-hyped disturbances."
Kvasha blinked; perhaps he had spoken too soon. "What kind of
disturbances?" he demanded.
The officer jumped, having been unaware of Kvasha's presence. "Sir!
It's hard to say -- almost like a fleet coming in, but more localized."
A fleet? Was Rtali finally making his move? Kvasha knew that even the
Eighth Fleet, powerful as it was, wouldn't survive a direct assault on
Planet Gloom, but it would do a lot of damage before its destruction.
On the monitor, there was the usual off-white flash followed by the
emergence of what had to be the largest single starship Kvasha had ever
seen. It took him only a second to remember where he had heard of an
immense starship that related to recent events: this was almost certainly
the ship the Terrans had come from. Worse, they probably wanted their
people back, and no one knew where they were.
Behind him, he heard the balcony's doors open. He spun around, in time
to see them close again. In his confusion, it occurred to him that the
walls of the Communications Room were mostly metallic; there was no wood
for rats to chew through. Before he could come to the obvious conclusion,
the commander of the Communications Room called up to him.
"Sir!" the commander said. "They're attempting to establish contact."
"So contact them," Kvasha snapped, annoyed at having his thoughts
interrupted. "And prepare the EDIT for firing, just in case."
On the bridge of the _Anonymous_, Captain Harrison stared at the image of
Planet Gloom displayed on the main monitor. She had never realized that a
planet could look grim and forbidding from orbit, and she found that idea
vaguely disturbing. Other monitors were showing the local Zakavian defense
forces, including a large, vaguely familiar-looking disk which seemed to be
folding into a cylindrical shape.
"You know," Commander Gerhardt noted, "it almost looks like a burrito."
"You're right," Harrison agreed. "How odd."
"They are returning our signal, Captain," announced Lieutenant Gordon.
"I think we can do video."
"Everyone looking good today?" Harrison asked.
The bridge crew mumbled something that might be taken as positive.
"Onscreen," Harrison ordered.
The image of Planet Gloom shifted to a secondary monitor while the
primary switched to a larger-than-life image of a nervous-looking young
officer. Harrison suppressed a smile: despite her crew's inexperience
dealing with aliens (this was their first), they had managed not to stare or
gawk or make bad jokes about the chasing the blues away (an obvious
reference to his pale-blue skin).
"Unidentified vessel," the officer began, "you have violated Zakavian
space. Please state your identity and reasons for being here."
"We are the starship _Anonymous_," Harrison replied. "Some of our crew
were abducted by one of your vessels, the _Absurd Physical Harm_. We were
told we could find it here." She allowed a sinister tone to creep into her
voice. "We would like them returned, _unharmed_, immediately."
The officer blinked. "Um... I'll have to talk to my manager.... Just a
second." The communication paused.
"This should be interesting," Harrison commented, smirking.
"I hope they're safe," Gerhardt replied.
"As do I."
"They're ready to resume," Gordon announced.
"Very well."
Once again the image of Planet Gloom was replaced, this time by an
older, more confident, green-skinned man. "_Anonymous_," he opened, "I am
Supreme Captain-Commander Kvasha Evosta of the Zakavian Imperial Military
Aggregate. I understand you are here looking for missing crew members?"
"You understand correctly," Harrison told him. "They were captured by a
starship identified as the _Absurd Physical Harm_."
Kvasha nodded. "The Terrans." He paused. "They _were_ here, a few
days ago. However, they were able to escape our custody." He paused. "We
have no confirmed sightings of them after that time."
This was followed by a few moments of uncomfortable silence, as Captain
Harrison demonstrated her Cold Stare(tm), to the point where all involved
hoped for _something_ to break the silence, but would do anything to avoid
_being_ that something.
"I see," the Captain said, eventually.
This was followed by more silence, as the bridge crew and
Captain-Commander Kvasha competed to show less discomfort. (Kvasha, being
more experienced, won.)
"Yes," Kvasha replied.
More silence.
"I assume you are still searching, then?"
"Several of our search parties report fighting with them, but it usually
turns out they were fighting other search parties."
Silence.
"I would like my people returned, Supreme Captain-Commander Evosta."
"Kvasha. The surname comes first."
"My apologies."
Silence.
"Um... yes. So, um, we don't think they're on the planet anymore."
A distinct lack of sound.
"We do not appreciate people abducting our crew."
"Is that a threat?" Kvasha asked, his voice darkening.
"It is a statement of fact."
"It would be unwise to threaten the Zakavian Empire in its capital
system."
"No threats have been made, but I make no promises for the future."
"You threaten to threaten the Zakavian Empire? You're just _asking_ for
trouble."
"I think we can handle some trouble."
"That's good, because you're going to _get_ trouble."
"Oh, yeah, lots of trouble."
"Very well," Kvasha said, a note of finality in his voice. "It shall be
trouble."
"For you," Harrison added as the communication cut out.
Pause.
"The burrito seems to be targeting us," Gordon noted.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Gerhardt commented.
"Prepare the VeryLarge Cannon," Harrison ordered. "Perhaps their
attitude will improve after we smack 'em around a bit."
"Or maybe they'll swear revenge, call in their space fleets, and hunt us
down until we die," added Gerhardt.
"We shall see."
Back on Planet Gloom, unaware of the conflict playing out in orbit, Roy,
Megan, Horlun, and Anme were sitting around their suite, waiting for stage
one of Bob's plan to end so they could actually _do_ something. In short,
they were bored, and, like all bored people, they were hoping for something
to happen to end that boredom.
"How much longer?" Megan asked.
"Bob didn't give us an estimate," Horlun reminded her. "He wasn't sure
how long it would take."
Megan sighed. They waited.
Then, they waited some more.
The door opened, and Bob strode in, looking worried. "I have bad news,"
he announced.
"What?" asked Roy. "Where are the others?"
Bob sat down at the table. "While they were watching the door outside
the balcony, Kvasha came by," he explained. "He's seen through Orliss's
_Conqueror's Quarterly_ story, so he had them arrested. Jen was able to
warn me before he entered the balcony, so I could hide. While I was there,
a very large starship arrived." He looked at Roy and Megan. "I believe it
is the _Anonymous_."
Roy nodded. "They must have heard that the Blue Squadron was here.
Pity they're not here anymore -- except for Jen, that is."
"Jen's been captured _again_?" Megan asked.
"Yeah," Bob replied. "She got stunned, from what I heard."
"Stunned?" Megan repeated, raising an eyebrow. "That's three for
three."
"Were you able to get the data on the EDIT?" Anme asked. "That was the
purpose of your mission, right?"
"Of course," Bob replied. "And that is why I am worried about the
_Anonymous_ being here and fighting the EDIT. That would be bad."
"How bad is 'bad'?" Megan asked.
"_Real_ bad," Bob answered. "Roy, I want you to go warn the _Anonymous_
and tell them what we've learned. I'll give you a copy of the specs I
'borrowed'."
"Why can't we signal them?" Roy asked.
"Two reasons," Bob replied, "first, we have no communicators, second,
any such signal would be detected."
"And how am I supposed to get to the _Anonymous_?"
"Use the ship you got here in," Bob suggested.
"I'm not familiar with the controls," Roy objected.
"And it isn't his ship," Anme added. "It's my father's."
"You think he'd be upset if he found out we'd taken it here?" Horlun
asked.
"To be honest," Anme replied, "I don't care."
Bob looked at Anme, and then at Roy. "Okay, Anme can fly the ship and
take Roy to the _Anonymous_."
"I am not a chauffeur," Anme protested, "and I cannot fly it either."
"Then Horlun can take you _and_ Roy to the _Anonymous_," Bob said.
"Which leaves you alone with Megan," Horlun pointed out.
"Unacceptable," Roy declared. "Megan's too young to be here in the
first place. If anyone is going back, it should be her."
"Bite me," Megan shot back. "Without my armor, the plan falls apart."
"Without Horlun, Anme, and me, the plan falls apart too," Roy replied.
"We are wasting time," Bob reminded them. "Megan and I can free the
others while you warn the _Anonymous_. It's important that they survive;
in case our plans fail, it is among the few ships that can face the EDIT."
"'Our' plan?" Anme asked. "I don't recall you asking for our ideas when
you were planning."
Bob gave her a level look. "Security is likely to be here any minute,
to arrest you all as fake reporters. Megan can pass for Zakavian,
temporarily, and I can hide in the shadows. The rest of you will be safer
on the _Anonymous_. We have little time, you must leave now."
"I am not pleased," Roy announced, "but I will go."
"Excellent. Good luck."
"The scanner is picking up some weird energy readings from the burrito,"
Gordon reported.
"What kind?" Gerhardt asked.
"I'm not sure, the scanner just says 'some weird energy readings'."
"Remind me to hurt whoever programmed that interface," Gerhardt
remarked.
"Boost shields on that side," Harrison ordered.
Thus far, the great space battle hadn't been very interesting. The
_Anonymous_ was a powerful ship, but it was also a very large ship, which
meant it was a very _slow_ ship. Fortunately, it's defenses were such that
it could adopt a turtle-like strategy: soak up damage and blast anything
that comes near. The Zakavians had launched a few squadrons of fighters,
which had swarmed about the _Anonymous_, chipping its armor, and
occasionally getting in the way of a defensive cannon, which was usually
fatal (for the fighter, that is). To the irritation of her own fighter
crews, the Captain had decided to depend on the ship's long-range weapons
rather than on fighters, on the grounds that they did more damage and were
less risky.
A bank of QuiteLarge Cannons fired, battering a Zakavian cruiser. The
Zakavian warships began moving away from the _Anonymous_, calling in their
fighters, but continuing their mostly ineffective attack.
"What are they doing?" Gerhardt wondered. "They're easier to track
further away."
"I suspect they have a secret weapon," Harrison guessed. "Otherwise,
this battle will be pretty one-sided."
That was when the EDIT fired, unleashing the power of several cubic
kilometers of spicy Mexican food in a single burst of energy.
Roy whistled, watching the kilometer-thick beam slam into the _Anonymous's_
deflector shields, encasing the ship in a shimmering field as the deflector
attempted to disperse the energy. As the EDIT's blast petered out, the
deflectors facing it collapsed, allowing the last dregs of destructive
spice-energy to hit the hull itself, where they carved out a gash the size
of a battleship. Despite that, it did little damage, as the unknown
designers of the _Anonymous_ had put all the important stuff (like, say, the
bridge) closer to the center.
"Contact them," Roy said. "They've got to know we're coming."
"Right," Horlun replied.
They watched the _Anonymous_ orient towards the EDIT, taking advantage
of the momentum imparted by the EDIT's spice attack. When the time was
right, it fired its own main gun, unleashing a beam powerful enough to
vaporize a small continent -- which it did, since the EDIT had managed to
dodge, somehow.
"Gack!" Kvasha shouted, spitting out his beverage. "Who put the EDIT
_between_ them and us?"
"Its captain," one of the officers told him.
"_Thank_ you," Kvasha sneered. "It's a good thing this planet's mostly
uninhabited. Now, tell them to move it somewhere where near-misses won't
kill _us_."
"But the battle's on the other side of the planet," another officer
reminded him. "We're just watching through satellite feeds."
"I was speaking metaphorically," Kvasha informed him. "I don't want
Planet Gloom to get hit anymore, understand?"
"Yes, sir."
"They _dodged_?" Harrison demanded incredulously. "How can a ship that size
_dodge_?"
"I don't know," Gerhardt told her, "but I sure hope our recharge cycle
is shorter than theirs, or we're going to have problems."
"You're right," Harrison conceded. "Let's get ready to leave, people."
"We're receiving a message from a small vessel," reported Gordon, the
Generic Bridge Officer(tm) for this episode. "They're warning us about that
burrito-thing's power, and they say they know where the Blue Squadron is."
He turned to the Captain. "Should we let them dock?"
"I don't see why not," Harrison replied. "Have Green and Black
squadrons meet them, in case they turn out to be spies or something." She
smiled. "Let's see them complain about not getting any action _now_."
"Should we taunt the Zakavians before we leave, so it won't look like
we're chickening out?" Gerhardt asked.
Harrison considered that. "I can't think of anything ominous enough,
actually."
"A pity."
"They've docked," Gordon reported.
"That was fast."
"Small ships move quickly."
"Then get us out of here," Harrison ordered.
On the monitors, the images of Planet Gloom and the surrounding space
dissolved into the off-white of overly-hyped space.
THAT'S _IT_?
THREE-HUNDRED FIFTY-ODD LINES FOR _THAT_?
WILL EPISODE FIFTEEN BE ANY BETTER?
WILL IT COME OUT BEFORE APRIL?
WEREN'T CAPTAIN HARRISON'S PLANS SUPPOSED TO CHANGE UNEXPECTEDLY THIS ISSUE?
They were, but then the Author's plans changed, unexpectedly. Watch out,
there may be more unexpected things in the next, bread-toasting episode of
Starcruiser Anonymous. But, then again, there may not.
SFSTORY: Can you dig it?
--
David Menendez / zedn...@psu.edu
Minister Of The Recursive Acronym MOTRAM
<http://www.personal.psu.edu/dmm264/>