SG: History of the Superguy Altiverse, Version 4.0, part six
lost in the former west
by Gary W. Olson. The History is a Derivative Work based on stories and
concepts created by the authors who have written works that have appeared on
the Superguy list in its various forms over the years. All characters named
or referred to herein are Trademarked by their respective authors, and are
used here by implicit permission of said authors solely for the purpose of
synopsis as delinated in "The Superguy Frequently Asked Questions List" posted
periodically on the Superguy Mailing List. Permission is granted for storage
of this work in electronic form for personal reference and for the printing of
a single hard-copy for personal reference. All other permissions, including
permission for publication in electronic or non-electronic media (including
CD-ROM) are reserved by the author.
----------------------
(continued from part five...)
Rad holds an awesome retirement party a few days later, attended by a few
former AF members as well as virtually every member of Rad's huge
supporting cast. Manny forms the supergroup CalForce (Confusion (Manny),
Doubt, Faith, Healer, Radian (Akane), Badass, Key, Yury, and Chalandra).
They take possession of their new HQ in Los Angeles - a thousand-foot
tall 'C', built by drunken Heyustarddedit engineers and even-more-
sloshed Dalan construction crews. The Dis/Order of the Exploding Chao
manages to hook a data corridor path to the megaframe that the engineers
install, linking it to a mainframe in Pittsburgh, without the knowledge
of CalForce. Rad, Glum, GLADYS and Galaxy Hunter return to Hottentot, and
a new era begins for Californians everywhere.
The Armadillo contends with RoboCapone, whom he defeats. RoboCapone
sets his sights on the St. Ignacius Home for Boys Who Have Fallen as
his only hope for continuing Project Delta. Stetson Tyler returns to
Earth, unawares that it is Earth-Superguy, rather than Earth-Sfstory,
where he left.
Dr. Frank N. Stein forces Dick Daring to drink a potion that will make
him look like a member of Milli Vanilli, but Jakov Pisov rescues him.
Meanwhile, the Pun-isher searches for King Pun, and Conan the Librarian
confronts the Tribesmen of KO and a bunch of Chinese barbarians led by
Kandue and Dewit. Meanwhile, Hari-Kari tries to make Saki pay.
After defeating a mugger and causing carnage in the subway, Mighty Guy
teams up with Trashman to track down Ratman and Dr. Unorthodox, who are
building a giant cannon that uses the Nun's car, while the Nun herself
powers it, while believing she is on the road running over protestants.
In the Hypervault, the Dash tries to get out.
Silly Wizzard develops some new Ginsu armor to allow him back into the
Superhero biz. He puts out a fire and contends with RoboCrook, who
throttles him and steals the Awesomemobile, along with Gus. Eventually,
it is determined that it is FlatPhoot, disguised as Donald Trump, who is
running another of his evil schemes. With the help of Particle Girl, the
Armadillo, Bunny Wabbyt, and !, Silly Wizzard (who takes the new name of
Ginsu 2000) defeats FlatPhoot and his minions (Robocrook, Pit Boss, the One-
Armed Bandit, and Roulette). Particle Girl, !, and Ginsu 2000 decide to
found a new super-group, Defense Squad, and hold auditions for new members.
Ignorant Man and Wonder Grunion join the group by this fashion.
In the orbit of Jupiter, a really climactic confrontation between Cyrebrax,
Ramrod, the fragment, the Annihilator, Meredith, Avery Creed, etc, etc, takes
place. So climactic, in fact, that what actually happened has not yet been
revealed, save for the fact that Ramrod sacraficed every scrap of magic within
him during the conflict, making him 'magic null.' But it was climactic, rest
assured. Cyrebrax's ship leaves Jupiter's orbit, heading for parts unknown.
Ramrod escapes, pushed by Batsman into the HerrStimleyite ship before Cyrebrax
leaves, and returns to Earth, crashing the ship into the bay and letting it
sink. Batsman dies in the cold vacuum of space, and her spirit is picked up
by Elvis and Dr. Kilohertzmunn in a limousine. Merelith withdraws the last bit
of cosmic awareness from Ramrod, leaving him as he was before. Soon thereafter,
Ramrod visits Ginsu 2000, catching up on old times and taking possession of
Gus, the Awesome Force AI.
Marv-Ellis, a Kreep warrior, heads for Earth, hoping to safeguard an ancient
Kreep weapon there. The Bluds, who are at war with the Kreeps, send a
warship after Marv-Ellis, who crash lands on Earth. Dr. Toon comes out of
retirement and steals the secret weapon. Defense Squad, with a new member
named Dropout, finds Marv-Ellis and agree to help him locate the ancient
Kreep base before the Bluds or Dr. Toon can. With Andy Awesome's help, they
determine it is below Graceland, and find a Kreep AI, Jake, there. Jake tells
them that the Damn Thing is the key to unlock the box containing the secret
weapon, and Defense Squad races Dr. Toon to White Sands, where the Damn Thing
is locked up. They get the weapon from Dr. Toon and unlock it, revealing the
Vega Bands, which Marv-Ellis puts on, giving him a fraction of the power of
Elvis. Dr. Toon is captured and sent to the Really-Really-Hard-To-Get-Out-of-
Place, the Bluds are repulsed into space, and Marv-Ellis joins Defense Squad
as Captain Marvelous. Jake agrees to become the Defense Squad AI, and
downloads himself into !'s computer, taking a while to get settled in.
The Extreme Team gains a new member when the deceased Lucky Louie McScum
foils a bank robbery and joins the team as Deadman.
Ramrod is captured and hypnotized by Ennui, an M.I.B. operative, into becoming
a top 40 teen idol, sweeping the country with massive hits like "It's Ramrod,
Girl," "You Know it, Girl", and "Trust the Government, Girl." He becomes
Ennui's lover, and his relationship with his friends is strained.
high-jinx, in New Mexico with Kim Stone, contends with the Channeler, and
keeps careful track of Ramrod's new career. He also contends with SAPOSA
(the Secret Alliance for Prevention of Stupid Acronyms). His battle with
Zozobra, over the spirit of Elvis, takes place roughly at this point in the
history, as does his break with Kim Stone, although it has not been
revealed whether they occured before or after the events in the following
paragraph. high-jinx does not become aware that Kim Stone is pregnant with
his child until several years later.
Batsman's spirit contacts Ramrod one final time before leaving forever, breaking
the spell and leaving a white rose behind. Ramrod and Gus manage to wire
Ramrod so that he can undo the damage that the subliminals in his songs had
been causing in the final concert. He's joined on stage by Elvis himself for
renditions of songs by Primus and Foetus, and is joined by Gengras and Adso in
defeating Ennui and the masterminds behind the plot - FlatPhoot and Secret
Secret Agent Richard Less.
Relativity Woman returns home and describes to Lars, the retired Dangerousman,
how she, Pickle (the Lost Author), Dr. Kilohertzmann, and Roger Scramjet
defeated Satan T. Lucifer's agents on Earth, found the Noj, and used it to
destroy the Satanic ships that had invaded the Superguy altiverse, though
Dr. Kilohertzmann died in the process. Pickle, having reunited his various
selves, heads off into space again, destination unknown. Sod thieves capture
Lars and take him to the Moon. Lars learns that the family taking the sod
thought it was okay to do so, and would not have done so if they knew people
on Earth minded. Villains wanting to run the families off their property to
make room for a railway kidnap the Jones' daughter, but Lars rescues her and
blows the bad guys up real good. He is then returned to Earth, with a check
for $760,000, the value of the sod taken on the Lunar market.
The Legion of Stuporheroes (save for Superior Man) are revived from the
Not Quite Exactly Technically Dead (tm) by a pale woman, who blanks their
memories and disperses the Legion to various planets. AverageMan is sent
to Super World, his home planet, where he confronts Dr. Doom-Wannabe, Syntax
Error, Hard n Heavy, and Redundant Man, who have come to Super World to pull
the plug on it. Maximillian is sent to Planet Cream, where the GRRRR have
decimated his race, and works on rebuilding the race while battling and
defeating the GRRRR. Superior Man lies in a coma, monitored by Lt. Drebbin.
WaWa Woman is menaced by goons of Commissioner Gordo. Nick Furry recruits
Robopop, and they head to base Alpha Beta, signalling Rambutt and the robot
Melvin to leave the Hall of Just Ice and join them. As Furry and Robopop
walk to Alpha Beta, they walk under a nuclear test site and get bombed.
Clapper Man causes the Superguy issue numbers to reset.
Dr. Sleaze and Dr. Pop mind-control a horde of college students, sending them
on a rampage, which the Defense Squad defeats by using Dropout's teleportation
powers to teleport the clothing off the students, thus removing the clothing
items that the evil Doctors used to control the students. When the Defense
Squad confronts Dr. Sleaze, he turns out to be a robot. Dr. Pop escapes.
Also during this time, Defense Squad battles and imprisons the Surrealist,
who had been accidently created by Dr. Lightbuzz' Surrealism Ray.
The Solutions? Ultd. space station returns to Earth orbit from who knows
where, and is named Station Ari, as the Solutions? team opens the nightclub
known as the Terrapod, and gets down to super-heroing again. General Edgar
Hoogland returns to the Butte to plan how to menace them.
Around this time, Satan T. Lucifer Jones' forces annihilate NICBBS, and
the Superguy altiverse, along with the SfStory altiverse, is reincarnated on
UCF1VM, with the help of the Sage. None of this is realized by the
inhabitants of the altiverses, who see life going on without a break in
continuity.
The Shriners land a Buick in Seclet Rabolatoly, Minnesota, planning to start
a fundraiser against the Deadheads from Planet X. Fu Manchu and his cousin
Wally are too drunk to notice this, but they do record the event. George and
Dr. Fore drink coffee and foreshadow the appearance of Mister Safety. A
supervillian searches for Bulletproof. Axe-Man and the Punk with a Gun
arrive in Minnesota, riding in the Stealth Beetle. Meanwhile, in the city
of Bob, Ace Reporter (aka Genericman) takes a break from searching for Planet
Planet with Solly and goes to work, where he meets a young reporter, Helen
Interest. In space, a 1957 Chevy Bel-Air floats.
The Robert Smith who had been possessed by Gorgax and died on Planet New
Jersey escapes from Satan T. Lucifer Jones' hell fleet, with the power to
depress anyone he comes into contact with. He crosses over to the Superguy
altiverse and arrives on Earth. Defense Squad sends him to the north pole,
where he can be alone and depressed, as he wishes. The Damn Thing is
discovered to be missing. Particle Girl and Dropout confront the Chia Pest,
who had formerly been Chester Weems before being pushed into a vat of Chia
Pet solution by agents of SNUCCI.
Dr. Lightbuzz tests his rebuilt surrealism ray on a toxic waste site in New
Jersey, unwittingly causing a small skunk to mutate into Superskunk.
The evil Paul Tsongas plots with Ted Kennedy, Michael Dukakis, and other
leading Democrats to take control of the country through his invention, the
Demoleks, who cry out, "Seek! Locate! Nominate!" George Bush sends Dan
Quayle to investigate, and Quayle instigates "Operation: Watch Tsongas", unaware
that he is actually monitoring a robotic Tsongas, not the disabled, criminally
insane Tsongas, who was the result of the Democrat's experiments with charisma
infusion. Defense Squad gets involved when they stop Phil Collins from
delivering vital parts to Tsongas' base. Agent Cooper gets Ginsu 2000 to cut
his hair and infiltrate Tsongas' operation, where he learns of the evil plans.
Defense Squad demolishes the Demoleks and seemingly buries Tsongas under tons
of rubble. Quayle and his Secret Covert Undercover Mercenaries (S.C.U.M.)
arrive soon after the battle, although the Democrats can't be prosecuted since
Defense Squad buried the evidence, literally. The Chia Pest also joins the
Defense Squad during this adventure, when he helps them capture William
Kennedy Smith.
Dr. Unorthodox, Black Steel, Blue Steel, and Ratman capture Mike Green and
throw him in the Hypervault with the Dash, a super-fast hero they captured
earlier. Dr. Unorthodox reveals that a traitor in the noble and high-moral-
fiber Xolchipalian Defense Forces gave him and the League of Unconcerned
Scientists the plans for the Omnishot Cannon XVI, which is powered by the
Nun on the Road's car, while the Nun thinks she's on the road, running over
Protestants. Mighty Guy and Trashman battle the villains, destroying some
Hartford student housing in the process, and are defeated when Mighty Guy
falls victim to paisly heliumite, which makes him very weak. Spandex Babe,
who followed Mighty Guy and Trashman to Hartford, tries to help but gets
captured as well, and all three heroes get thrown into the Hypervault, as
Dr. Unorthodox reveals he plans to kill Mighty Guy for accidentally killing
his father.
Verbose Man and Dr. Taciturn, the Death Dodgers, leave their HQ, Serendipity
Central, and encounter Ted and Janet breaking into a warehouse. Mrs. Nelson
and Dangerkitty show up and drive off Ted and Janet, as two super-powered
cops, Deskjockey and Paperpusher, approach, and the origins of Verbose Man
and Dr. Taciturn are revealed.
Nick Furry and Robopop survive being bombed and make it to Alpha Beta, where
they greet Melvin and Rambutt and face off against Clapper Man. Nick Furry
and Robopop meet Agent Gettit and Agent Orange, and inquire about the box
in cell block 13. More Legion of Stuporheroes members, namely Maximillion,
AverageMan, and WaWaWoman, return just in time to get audited by the IRS.
On Super World, Dr. Doom-Wannabe finds the right plug and unplugs Super
World, causing the inhabitants to lose their super powers. Ken Cooney, the
Legion of Stuporheroes Author, becomes Captain Kilowatt and leaves to defeat
Dr. Doom-Wannabe, leaving his Authorship powers in the care of Melvin the
robot. Dr. Doom-Wannabe defeats him and uses the new powers he gets from
Super World to destroy every planet except Super World and Earth. For-
tunately, the planets reappear several seconds later.
SNUCCI digs up Dr. Toon's Virtual Mindscape Generator from under the rubble
of the Trachtenburg Beer Brewery and plans to use it, along with the Surreal-
ism ray and the Dead Sea Scrolls, to bring the dreaded Cthulhu to this plane.
However, David Letterman, aka Late Night M00se, having infiltrated SNUCCI a
while ago, delays the plot by contesting Jay Leno's succession to King of
Late Night, one of the most important positions within SNUCCI, rivaled only
by the position of High Priest, occupied by Phil Donahue. After a trial,
Johnny Carson decides that Jay Leno will still be his successor, but by this
time, Defense Squad has managed to track them down and defeats their plans.
Letterman returns to New York, where Paul Schaffer and Terri Garr promise
him the continued backing of the M00se Illuminati in his efforts to shut
down SNUCCI.
Stan Mushnik opens Bunzai Pizza stores in the city of Bob, markedly decreasing
the market share of Photo's Pizza, which is owned by FlatPhoot. FlatPhoot's
goons rough up a Bunzai pizza delivery guy, and the Pizza Wars begin. Mean-
while, Intercontinental Salvage finds something in Akron.
Mighty Guy, Trashman, the Dash, Spandex Babe, and Mike Green decided to join
forces as the Adjusted League Unimpeachable, and Mike Green turns out to have
the power to summon Monty Python skits at will, and summons the Spanish
Inquisition, which breaks them out of the Hypervault. With the help of
Dr. Unorthodox's daughter, Trudy, the League destroys the Omnishot Cannon XVI
and defeats the bad guys, though the Nun on the Road drives off in her
Lincoln, to terrorize drivers again. Boston is destroyed in the battle, but
Superguy rebuilds it. Hartford also takes it on the chin, but the Man With
Two First Names erects defense screens to defend his characters and settings,
namely Elizabeth Anderson and her on-campus housing. CHAOS Engineer sends
Intercontinental Salvage to Hartford to rebuild it, but they find when they
arrive that Superguy has already done so. Meanwhile, as a result of Eury-
dice's over-dusting of the Man With Two First Names in the Author's Altiverse,
golden dust seeps into Elizabeth's apartment in the Superguy Altiverse, though
it does not seem to have had any effect so far.
Captain Marvelous' brother, Ah-Nuld, arrives on Earth and convinces Defense
Squad to journey into space with him to rescue his' and Marv-Ellis' sister
Ta-Mara, who is being held by the Blud Emperor Skullbasher V. They borrow
the Awesome Force shuttle and head out. Jake accompanys them by inhabiting
the body of the robotic Dr. Sleaze. They reach Salonian space, and some
of them beam over to the Salonian ship, while others are captured by the
Bluds. Skullcrusher V blackmails Capt. Marvelous into stealing the Golden
Disk, which he reluctantly agrees to do, unaware that Skullcrusher V has
struck a deal with Satan T. Lucifer Jones through his agent, Humphrey Bogart.
The other captive Defense Squad members are taken to Planet Mexico in the
Sombrero system, and Ginsu 2000 discovers a double of himself on the way
there, who turns out to be the Indestructible Kid, who had been put in the
wrong altiverse accidentally, when the altiverses were moved to UCF1VM.
The other Defense Squad members visit the Sage and get information they need
to find the Golden Disk, which turns out to be a 45 of Elvis Presley's
"Jailhouse Rock". Satan T. Lucifer Jones doublecrosses Skullcrusher V,
who joins forces with Defense Squad. In the finale on Planet Mexico, thanks
to the Disc, Elvis is reincarnated into the altiverses, taking over the
body of the sorcerer Tim. The Sage sends the Indestructible Kid back to
SfStory, Tam-Ara gets superpowers as a result of the battle, and war
between the Kreeps and the Bluds is averted. The Defense Squad is reunited
and return to Earth, returning the Awesome Shuttle to Andy Awesome.
Andy Awesome helps the Adjusted League Unimpeachable get their spaceship
spaceworthy so they can go to Xolchipalia, while Dr. Claw, Dr. Teeth,
Dr. Pepper, and Dr. Science (not the same Dr. Science who menaced Rad on
Earth) plot evil things.
Defense Squad deals with zombified students created by rotting spam, managing
to return them to normal, while Dr. Lightbuzz gets private funding from
Howard Hughes, an agent of Satan T. Lucifer Jones, and develops a time-machine,
while Satan's Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Terrorists prepare to attack the
Pentagon.
Superskunk does some traveling, stops an illegal police search with his
surrealism powers, engages in mass-hugging with the Mon Amis patrol, and
is cornered by a sherriff, whom Superskunk defeats and sends back home.
In alt.altiversal madness, Braniac, Tesserac Man and ROT-13 Man meet and are
taken by Elvis to see the Sage, and get involved in a massive battle in the
Authors Altiverse between Elvis and James Brown, a battle which Elvis wins.
Presumably, Braniac, Tesserac Man and ROT-13 Man are returned to the Superguy
Altiverse afterwards. Joe Isuzu appears in Graceland, for some probably evil
reason that has not yet been revealed.
A woman claiming to be the daughter of Superguy arrives at Station Ari, and
Solutions? Ultd. battles the forces of a robotic Sam Walton.
The Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Terrorists attack the Pentagon, while the Defense
Squad confronts Dr. Lightbuzz over the time machine he has created, and time
is accidentally altered, shifting events to a timeline where the wheel was
never invented, and the members of Defense Squad are unaware that time has
been altered. Eventually, they figure things out, get back together, and
head out to New York, to retrieve the Damn Thing so Lord Grun can send one of
them back in time to undue the historical foulup of the wheel not being
invented. Satan T. Lucifer Jones endeavors to prevent this by sending cavalry
led by John Wayne to Earth to stop them. Neither they nor Lord Phoot's forces,
nor the Church of Cthulhu, are able to prevent Defense Squad from sending
Ignorant Man back in time to restore history, shifting the timeline back to
the one in which the wheel was invented. Due to the vaguaries of time and so
on, the only ones who retain memories of this are Ignorant Man, Captain
Marvelous, Elvis, and Satan T. Lucifer Jones.
Nick Furry and Robopop agree to help Bolemic Boy and Stan the Toilet Man
retrieve Stan's toolbox, but get bombed. Stan and Bolemic find the
toolbox and cross through it back into the 2-D dimension, and the toolbox
explodes. Lue Ferrigno sells the Schwartzenegger dolls Dr. Yes created
to Weebee toys, and they explode. Agents Orange and Gettit, going through
files, smell gas and get caught in an explosion. Super Bullet and Indiana
Joe continue to look for Stan and find Finger Man. In the 2-D dimension, Max
and Hogan try to find a way out of Stalag 13 and locate Mayor Goodfurnothin,
and are blown up by a bomb, while Plainville appears to be about ready to
blow up.
(to be continued...)
--
Gary W. Olson sw...@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu sw...@drycas.bitnet