lightbulb joke
Mark E. Rupright
How many U. of Tennessee football players?
One, but he gets three credit hours for it.
How many militant feminists?
One, AND THERES NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT!
And a variant on the surrealist one:
Two. One to fill the bathtub with shiny objects and the other to set the
giraffe on fire.
__________________________________________________________________________
Mark Rupright | When you go for a job interview, I think a good
rupr...@physics.unc.edu| thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
| -Jack Handey
Stephen Carville
A: They don't replace it. They prefer to remain in the dark.
Q: How mant computer programmers does it take to replace a light
bulb?
A: Programmers don't replace light bulbs - that's a hardware
problem.
Q: How many skeptics does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: One, but only after a thorough investigation into the phenomena of
light bulb failure.
Q: How many space aliens does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: 501. One to do the replacement and 500 to take the ship home and
get one that will fit the socket.
Q: How many blonds does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Light bulbs are supposed to be replaced?
Q: How mant T.V viewers does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Light bulb? What's a "light bulb"?
Remember you asked :-)
Stephen Carville - pa...@delphi.com
The cat could very well be Man's best friend but would never stoop to
admitting it.
Mark Meyer
discussions, take this!
From: g...@trsvax.UUCP (George Moore @ Tandy System Software)
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Sone others of SKEPTICal relevance:
From: NU11...@NDSUVM1.BITNET (W. Syvinski)
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to chenge a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it takes nine visits.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
From: wer...@aecom.UUCP (Craig Werner @ Albert Einstein Coll. of Med., NY)
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
From: wer...@aecom.UUCP (Craig Werner @ Albert Einstein Coll. of Med., NY)
Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and
worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room
to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.
From: an...@apple.UUCP (Andy Rundquist) (A2)
Q: How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
A2: Three: one to screw in the lightbulb and two to hand out tracts.
Q: How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 101 - one to screw it in and the other 100 to convince everyone
else to screw in light bulbs too.
And in honor of Uri Geller:
From: mul...@B.GP.CS.CMU.EDU (John Mullen) (A2)
br...@petro.UUCP (Gilbert B. Andreen) (A3,A4,A5)
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object,
one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,
one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose,
one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a
secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for
professional services.
A3: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A4: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A5: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
Note: A3, A4, and A5 all originally came from an article in the June
16, 1988 "Current" magazine of San Antonio, Texas. The answers were
responses to a "Jokes in Search of a Punchline" contest concerning the
number of lawyers needed to change a light bulb. A3 had been sent in
by Chris Campbell, A4 by Steve Colley, and A5 (the winner, deservedly
so IMHO) by Glenn Crumpton. - MEM
I have an alphabetized 64K list of lightbulb jokes, so watch
it! :-)
--
Mark Meyer | mme...@dseg.ti.com |
Texas Instruments, Inc., Plano, TX +--------------------+
Every day, Jerry Junkins is grateful that I don't speak for TI.
Make you so blitzed you hallucinate strange TV shows: Can your beer do this?
Cathy Fiorello
Six. Five to sit on the doctoral committee and one to actually change
the bulb.
or
As many as the grant will pay for!
Cathy Fiorello
cafi...@ukcc.uky.edu
Kirstin E Beall
A. None. They can't afford a new lightbulb and the janitors are all
on strike.
ll---------------------------------l=l----------------------l==l
ll---------------------------------l=l "The Loony Bassoony" l==l
++++l------------------l=l----------------------l==l
+
+ Kirstin Beall
+ be...@stolaf.edu
+
T
The Skeptic
see any relevance.
If someone wants to post jokes please post them to humor related lists.
****************************************************************************
Aditya Mishra | The opinions expressed herein
Phone/FAX 305-746-0442 (Please leave message)| are absolutely not immutable
email: z900...@bcfreenet.seflin.lib.fl.us | and may have changed by the
(Please excuse for the extra long address)| time you read them due to the
Prodigy: TVDS96A | better data or understanding.
****************************************************************************
Thaddeus M Cowan
then the whole dumb business will die out. Can't we get back to business?
You cut out related one liners for not imparting information, Taner, but
you allow one-line LBJs go through. Are light bulb jokes really relevant
to anything? I'm not above a little humorous diversion now and then, but
I try to keep my contributions to a single entry.
Thad Cowan
John Brock
A: None, the light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Forty seven. You got a problem with that?
--
John Brock
jbr...@panix.com
Eva Durant
answer: it depends, are they boys or girls?
Marc Jongedijk - HTMG/F93
> Q: How many SKEPTIC subscribers does it take to screw in a lightbult?
>
> A: Nobody knows. But you can be sure that if one does it, many more
> will take turns doing it over and over and over and over . . .
It is not a bad joke... however, making fun of people who use
this group is probably not a good way to make freinds on the net. As a
member of a psych department, I am sure you can understand peoples
negative motivational thoughts towards poking fun at them.
If your intention was to flame in a somewhat subtle way, then you
have been successful. If your intention was not to pull anybody's chain
then making a joke about that group is not appropriate.
But most importantly, this group is a medium for people to
exchange thoughts and ideas on scientific explanations of phenomena. I
do not think that this group was ever intended as a medium to exchange
jokes.
If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at. But when
you laugh at me, It doesn't make me very happy.
Sincerely,
Marc Jongedijk
mjon...@hermes.acs.ryerson.ca
Kirstin E Beall
> On Thu, 15 Dec 1994, Michael Scoles wrote:
>
> > Q: How many SKEPTIC subscribers does it take to screw in a lightbult?
> >
> > A: Nobody knows. But you can be sure that if one does it, many more
> > will take turns doing it over and over and over and over . . .
<snippet>
> If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at. But when
> you laugh at me, It doesn't make me very happy.
Since Michael Scoles is presumably also a SKEPTIC subscriber, he IS
laughing at himself. Lighten up! The joke is hardly derogatory.
Rather, it points to the very nature of us skeptics. We tear stuff to
shreds. There's nothing wrong with poking some good-natured fun at
that.
Heck, I tell more Norwegian jokes than anybody, and I'm 50%
Scandinavian!