It isn't all one sided as some would believe
JOSEPH RUFFO
MEN JOKES
=A0
Q What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q.What's the difference between government bonds and men?=20
A. Bonds Mature.
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?=20
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q. What did god say after creating man?=20
A. I can do better.
Q. Husband: Want a quickie?=20
A. Wife: As opposed to what?
Q. Why do men want to mary virgins?=20
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?"
Shows.=20
A. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
Q. What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A. A man's undivided attention.
Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?=20
A. 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving the=
ir
minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q. How is a man like a snowstorm?=20
A.Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long it'll last.
Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?=20
A. He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Q. Why are men like laxatives?=20
A. They irritate the shit out of you.
Q. What do you call an intelligent man in America?=20
A. A tourist.
Q. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?=20
A. To keep them from grazing.
Q. Why do men name their penises?=20
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who make=
s
all their decisions.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, an=
d
good-looking?=20
A. Because they already have boyfriends.
Q. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?=20
A. He had it bronzed.
Q. Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men?
A. It has the same centerfold every month.
Q. Why did God give women nipples?
A. To make suckers out of men.
Q. Why do men like to play Pinball?
A. It's the only way they can get five balls for a quarter.
Q. Why do men like masturbation?=20
A. Its sex with someone they love.
Q. How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?=20
A. Two ways to cross a river.
Q. What is gross stupidity?=20
A. 144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got=20
nothing to put in it?=20
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?=20
A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?=20
A. Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the
stove.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?=20
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Q. Why did god create man?=20
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?=20
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
A. To keep the swelling down.
Q. Why do men love computers?
A. No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
Q. What's the difference between a clitoris and a pub?
A. A 9 out of 10 men can find a pub
Q. How do you keep a man from drowning?
A. A Take your foot of his head!
Q. What do you call the useless bit of fatty tissue at the end of a penis=
?
A. A man
Q. Why do men like love at first sight?
A. It saves them a lot of time.
Q. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think o=
f?
A. *Dating* children.
Q. How do you get a man to do situps?
A. Glue the TV remote between his ankles.
Q. What kind of clothes are there?
A. Woman: Clean & Dirty
Man: Clean, Almost Clean, Sorta Clean, Not bad, Dirty, Really Dirty, Funk=
y,
Nasty, Biohazard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last
classification of these clothes.)
Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
A. They stay stuck in adolescence.
Q. How do men buy lingerie for a woman?
A. He throws it on the floor to see if it looks good, cuase that's where =
he
wants to see it anyway.
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
A. All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A. At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Q. How can you tell if your man is perverted?
A. He uses a feather in bed.
Q. How can you tell if your man is kinky?
A. He uses the whole chicken.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Q. How are men and dogs alike?
A. If they can't eat it or screw it, then they just piss on it.
Q.Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Q. What would men do if they had breasts?
A. They'd stay at home and play with them all day.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. What is the difference between a puppy and a man?
A. Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer??
A1. A woman would never accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!!=20
A2. You only have to punch the data into a computer once.
A3. A Computer will go down on you without dinner and a movie.
A4. You can not put a 3.5" floppy in a woman
A5. ...and a computer can't turn a 3.5" floppy into a hard drive in a
matter of seconds...
Q. How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag=20
to about how he screwed it.
Q. How many men does it take to put a roll of toilet paper=20
on the hanger?
A. No one knows... its never happened
Q. Why did cavemen drag their woman around by their hair?
A. Coz if they dragged them around by their ankles, they'd fill up full o=
f
dirt
Q: What does an elephant say to a naked man?
A: "How can you breathe through that thing?"
Q. What's the difference between a man and a toilet?=20
A. A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
Q. How do you grow your own dope?
A. Plant a man.
Q. Why do men have penises?
A. They certainly can't be admired for their brains.
Q. Why is it better for a woman to have bigger breasts than brains?
A. Because men see better than they think.
Q. Why are men jokes only two lines long?
A. So YOU'll be able to understand them.
Q. What is the thinnest book in the world?
A. "What men know about women"
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just One. Men will screw anything.
Q. How do men take bubble baths?
A. They eat beans for dinner.
Q. Why don=92t women rub theirs in the morning?
A. Because they don't have balls.
Q. What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
A. Gifted!
Q. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A. One hour of begging...
Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head...
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can understand them too..
Q. Why are blonde jokes one-liners?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares...
Q. Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces??
A. Because they ARE stupid....!
Q. How are men and parking lots alike?
A. The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left, are
handicapped....
Q. What is the difference between a shopping trolly and a man?
A. A shopping trolly has a mind of it own..
Q. What is a man's idea of helping with the cleaning?
A. Lifting his feet for the vacuum cleaner.
Q. What is a man's idea of a seven course meal?
A. Hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Q. What is the difference between antartica and a clitoris?
A. More men have been to antartica...
Q. How many legs does a chicken have? . . .=20
A. . . Two. Right.=20
Q. And how many wings does a chicken have? . . .=20
A. . . Yes. Two. right again.=20
Q. Well how many beaks does a chicken have?. . .=20
. A. . . One. got it.=20
Q. How many bones does a cat have? . . .=20
A. . . Typical man. Knows everything about cock and nothing about pussy.=20
Q. Why is a cucumber a better date than a man?=20
A. The cucumber doesn't make you sleep on the wet spot.=20
Q. Why does psychotherapy work so quickly on men?=20
A. Because when it comes to the part when you take them back to their
childhood, they're already there.
Q. Why did the polygamist cross the aisle?
A. To get to the other bride.=20
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Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad =
-
a dead bird."The other man looked up and said, "where?"
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An old maid was overheard saying to a friend, "I've got a dog that growls=
,
a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes and a cat that stays out al=
l
night. Why would I want a husband?"=20
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Armed by a pep talk from a stranger he'd met at a bar, a man went home an=
d
bellowed to his wife, "From now on, I'm the king of this castle. My word =
is
law. When I want to eat, you'll run in and cook. When I want my bath, you
start the water. We can start right now. Lay out my tuxedo because I'm
going out. Alone! And do you know who's going to tie my black tie?"
His wife said softly, "The undertaker!"=20
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Elsa had a new neighbor with whom she became quite friendly. In a
discussion over coffee, the neighbor told Elsa how much she admired her
husband's piety. "I watch him every morning when he gets in your car to
drive to the office," the neighbor said. "He's so pious and starts his da=
y
with a blessing."
"Thank you so much," Elsa said to her neighbor, "but you got it all wrong.
What my husband does, when he gets in the car, is not a blessing, but a
check to see that he's got his glasses, his cigarettes, and that he's
zipped."=20
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Husband: We have been married five years and haven't agreed on a thing.
Wife: You're wrong again. It has been six years.=20
=A0
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A young, wanna-be stud is vacationing alone in Cancun. He hits the beach,
hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his chagrin, they all seem to b=
e
drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. Our friend goes
back to his hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a nightclub. So h=
e
goes to a club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful
women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asks, "man, what's your secret?" T=
he
old man replies: "I saw you on the beach today, and I felt sorry for you.
So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your Speedo." Th=
e
young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to
try his luck again. So, the next morning he saunters out to the beach, wi=
th
a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only
smile at him and move on. He sees the old man again, completely surrounde=
d,
of course. That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help.
The wise old man responds with another fine tip: "Next time, son, put the
socks in the FRONT of your shorts.=20
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Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in labour.
The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of
twins!" "What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team=
!"
The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of
triplets!" "Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"
When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to
quadruplets. "Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask
what's wrong. "What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"
You think that *you* have it bad??? I'm from the THOUSAND ISLANDS!=20
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IF MEN GOT PREGNANT......
--Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.
--There'd be a cure for stretch marks
--Natural childbirth would become obsolete
--Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem
--All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectivenes=
s
--Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained
--Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment
--They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute
--Fathers would demand thaqt their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm
--Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags
--They'd have to stop saying,"I'm afraid I'll drop him."
--Paternity suits would be a line of clothes
--They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months
--Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree
--Women would rule the world!=20
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Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he call=
ed
home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits today."
"What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad
journalism. I'll sue 'em."
"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you
calling from?"=20
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There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. O=
ut
of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for
granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it=
,
and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q." The
mermaid says: "Done. Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare
flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.=20
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The
mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical
solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varyi=
ng
fields: physics chemistry, etc.=20
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he sa=
ys
to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "Y=
ou
know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish=
,
but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you to
increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free=
."
"Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll
change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask something else...=
a
million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy
insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power. So t=
he
mermaid sighed and said: "Done."
And he became a woman.=20
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A man walks into a bar and there's a guy standing there with a sign
that says: "Make me laugh and win a thousand dollars." So the man
goes up to the guy whispers something in his ear, and the guy
starts laughing. The man collects his money from the bartender and
leaves. A year later, the man returns to the bar. The same guy is
standing there, but the sign reads "Make me cry and win a thousand
dollars." So tha man goes over to the guy, and when he comes back,=20
the guy is in tears. The man goes over to the bartender to collect=20
his money. The bartender asks him, "What did you do to make that guy
laugh the first time and then cry the second time?" The man says,
"The first time I told him that my dick was bigger than his. The
second time I showed him."
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This woman was on her wedding night with her fourth husband. "Go easy on
me", she said, "I'm still a virgin". "How can you still be a virgin?" he
asked in disbelief. "Well", she replied, "my first husband was a
psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about sex. My second husba=
nd
was an optometrist, and all he wanted to do was look at my sex. And my
third husband was a stamp collector....... he was my favorite!"=20
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A young man discovers to his horror that he has a serious rash on his
penis. He immediately goes to the doctor who tells him: Sonny, that's the
worst case of jock rash I've ever seen. You'll have to use this cream on
it, and it would be best if you also exposed it to sunlight for a couple
of hours to be sure to kill the fungus that's growing on it.
Taking the doctor's advice as gospel, the young man uses the cream, and
to his delight the rash starts to clear. Following the doctor's next
piece of advice, he goes to the beach. Looking around, he sees that the
coast is clear and takes off his clothes. Suddenly he hears voices, but
not wanting to give up the sun treatment, he quickly digs a hole and
buries all of himself except his infected organ which he leaves sticking
up through the sand (he breathes through a reed that he's broken off from
a plant).
His action is just in the nick of time. No sooner has he disappeared
into his hole when two old women come walking along the beach. One of the=
m
notices the strange object sticking up through the sand. She pulls her
friend over and starts to cluck at the sight:
"You know Sadie, when I was young I was curious about it. In my prime I
started to enjoy it. As I matured I sought after it. When I started to ag=
e
I even paid for it. Now, just my luck, it's growing wild and I'm to old t=
o
bend down!!"=20
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Two friends were out playing golf one day,let's call them George and
Pete,George has a mighty swipe at the ball and lo and behold scores a
hole in one ... on the full.
When they reach the green,there,floating over the hole is a Genie,who
says.=20
"George,for the hole in one on the full you get one wish"
George contemplates the situation for a nanosecond and replies=20
"I want a monstrous member"
"It's yours"the Genie replies,then disappears.
As Pete and George continue to the next hole George's old fella
commences to grow and grow,to the point where it's dragging along the
ground....and still it grows.
George (with his vitals covered in grass stains,friction burns,gravel
rash and hungry ants) can't go on.
"You'll have to go back and hit another hole in one,on the full" says
Pete.=20
So back they go and as this is a story, George of course repeats his
previous effort.The Genie reappears and says.=20
"OK.Same deal, what's the wish"=20
George gazes down at the scarred and disfigured monstrosity
slumped on the ground beneath him and replies.............
........."Longer legs"=20
=A0
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God told man, "I'm going to give you ten years of a normal sex life." Man
said, "That's not enough. The way I feel, I need much more." God said, "I=
f
I give you something, don't complain." Man said, "But sex isn't just
something." God said, "Look, I'm busy. We'll talk again." God called the
King of the Beasts to him and said, "Lion, you've got twenty years of sex
life." The lion said, "Ten will be enough." Man said, "Let me have the
extra ten." God nodded and said, "You've got it." God gave the monkey
twenty years. The monkey said that ten would be enough. Man raised his
hand. God nodded and gave him the extra ten. Before the day was over, God
had given man ten years the donkey didn't want and a final ten that parro=
ts
couldn't use. That may explain why men have ten normal years of sex, ten
years of lion about it, ten years of monkeying around with it, ten years =
of
being an ass about it, and ten years of talking about it!=20
**********
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Drak...@aol.com
In a message dated 97-11-23 17:29:53 EST, JOER...@worldnet.att.net write=
s:
> =A0
> =20
> Q What do you call a man with half a brain?
A Gay Republican who votes a str8 ticket
steven w (mule) thomas
Recovering ex republican
"Disobedience, in the eyes of any one who has read history, is man=92s or=
iginal
virtue. It is through disobedience that progress has been made, through
disobedience and through rebellion." - Oscar Wilde