the perfect plan
ainulindale
First, we get the chicks, then we..."
"Whoa whoa whoa. 'First we get the chicks'? That's how the plan
starts? Are you kidding?"
"You haven't heard the rest."
"I don't know if I want to hear the rest! If that's your plan then
we--"
"That's not my plan. That's the beginning. It works like that,
Myscronus. The plan has a beginning."
"Alright, fine, go on."
"First we get the chicks, then we make them love us. Then we design a
nice musical stage presentation and we end up singing hoseannahs to the
highest. Then we sacrifice the virgin..."
"...there aren't anymore virgins..."
"...then WE SACRIFICE THE VIRGIN and we..."
"THERE ARE NOT ANY MORE VIRGINS YOU POMPOUS FUTILE SIMPLEMINDED STOOGE!
you went through them all five hundred years ago! REMEMBER!"
"...........ah. yes. ok, well. hm. let's see. ok, we could
sacrifice a pig then."
"not one of my pigs. rosie just had a litter, and the studs are all
out in the field. the rest are too young."
"too young?"
"that's right."
"Myscronus, why do we raise these pigs?"
"well... to eat them."
"That's right Myscronus, we raise them to eat them. And what happens
everytime I want to slaughter one?"
"Well there are very good reasons why I have decided that--"
"My point exactly. WHAT GOOD IS IT GOING TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO RAISE
THESE PIGS UP IF ***WE ARE NOT GOING TO EAT THEM***?!!!"
"We could have celery."
"WHAT?!!!"
"Celery. We could sacrifice celery."
"we couldn't possibly sacrif--hm... well, I do like celery."
"so do i."
"especially in a soup. especially in broth."
"do you suppose God likes celery?"
"i can't see how God wouldn't. i mean, who made the stuff in the first
place?"
"you see? it works!"
"a nice broth with some potatoes and chicken bones and--"
"NO. I've told you. we're not sacrificing anything sentient anymore.
i've told you."
"oh fine bloody hell. well this is a fine mess you've got us into now
'ollie' you decrepit bastard."
"oh oh oh oh, oh, oh yes, oh, oh yes, BLAME IT ALL ON ME WOULD YOU!
but you don't--"
Myscronus vents his frustration and displeasure into an ancillary
negative null vacuum parsec, several lightyears away, with
considerable, audible gusto.
"FINE. Let's hear this plan of yours then. 'Get the chicks' and
physical pleasure lah-dee-dah and all is well I suppose?!!"
Another sigh into negnulvac. Billions of lightyears away, an apelike
creature frowns at a cloud.
"No. First we get the chicks. Then we pleasure them--"
"--please not again--"
"--no wait, sorry, habit that one. We get the chicks, then we
sacrifice the celery", he said, acerbically, and a trillion light years
away, a small county on a pre-industrial world called Kleptichrnp
suffered complete and total interference with their email for three
tenths of a second....
"and we sing hoseannahs and stuff, and we sacrifice the celery."
"ok fine. i'm with ya dude. I'm on this boat. so then what?"
"then we say we're sorry."
Effluvio stared blankly, the way that service people working at places
where you want to buy stuff look at you when they are not making enough
money to take crap off of pissed off people like you. Especially when
you are pissed off by the traffic. And then of course there are the
seminefrious bungnoidial buttnoids. I hear they are rude.
"We're sorry? What are we sorry for?"
"Everything. That's the beauty of it. We're sorry for everything."
"We're sorry... for everything?..."
"Yep."
"And that gets us off the hook?"
"I'm pretty sure it does man. I looked it up."
"Hmmm....", there was a long pause as Myscronus looked it up. It
caused three small aquatic creatures to think they were Ahnold
Schwarzenegger in a distant galaxy that already had enough personal
problems, thank you very much. Their agent wanted 20% and they didn't
even have an agent a nanosecond earlier.
"Nope. That doesn't let us off the hook."
"Dammit!! Even if we sacrifice a virgin?!"
"What did we just talk about? WHAT DID WE JUST TALK ABOUT?!!!"
"OK, ok ok ok ok ok ok. How about if we say we're really really very
sorry for all the bad things, even the bad things that other people
did, and we'll accept torture and we'll still love and won't hate, what
about if we're perfect? Then can we be set free? If we're absolutely
perfect, what about if we really, honestly are nice guys? What about
if we throw in the car stereo? What about if we donate blood? If we
devote our lives to service? OK, how about this: we become crackheads
and kill passersby for the change in their pockets? What about this
one--we get some filthy rags and go out at dawn and--"
and the dude said
"i am the vine and you are the branches.
anyone who stays in me and i in him or her
shall bear much fruit.
because you can do
nothing
without
me."
PLEASE HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE
UNTIL THE END OF THIS SENTENCE.
BE SURE TO TIP YOUR WAITRESS
I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK.
love,
r
r.i.p. s.a.h.
i knew you when you were young.
ye ain't aged a day, doll.
ye ain't aged a day.