My life long battle with manic dpression

[Alan McDougall]

Please contact me on mcdouga...@yahoo.com






My name is Alan McDougall and I was born on the 23/12/1940 in South
Africa. The story I relate in the following account in no way reflects
all that my life experiences. It specifically relates to my long
battle with manic/ depressive psychosis, or bi-polar affective
disorder. I wrote this specifically as a consolidation of my various
episodes of manic/depression and the reader should note that if the
depths or highs of suffering had continued for much longer than they
did, I would have committed suicide or killed someone and be dead now
and you would not be reading this paper. I not only had extreme
depression alternating with high mania but also at times suffered both
the high and lows of bi-polar disorder simultaneously, this known as
the mixed state.

Although a physically weak, sensitive strange and troubled child, who
battled with unseen demons that suppressed my potential at school and
home, the awful spectra of manic/depression only really started to
control my life from the young age of 38. I would like to express here
to those that know me personally, that because of fog over my brain
caused by other illnesses not mentioned in this account during
childhood years, I was a unable to reach my true potential both
physically and scholastically. I also was extremely short sighted or
myopic as a child and this was only noticed really at the age of
twelve by my father, long after the most essential formative years of
a child’s life is past. My teachers, used to shout at me, mistakenly,
viewing my inability to see properly, as stupidity, “for god’s sake
can’t you read what is written on the board?” I could indeed not see
clearly, what was on the board, thinking everyone saw things through
the fog of myopia as I did. I only got my first pair of glasses at the
age of twelve and could not believe the absolute clarity on vision
that I had being missing all these years of my early life. My school
reports and progress in no way reflects or comes anywhere near
expressing my real potential as I simply refused or was unable to
learn or absorb anything that did not interest me. My young inquiring
inquisitive and restless mind, from the age of four was already
looking outwards and outside the confines classroom and home
environment towards the vastness of the infinite universe, to know the
meaning of existence and the greater cosmos. How could I possibly
waste my time on such inane subjects as the great trek etc? “Boring,
boring, and boring”. Forcing me to learn such abject nonsense made me
physically sick at school. I share this apparent difficulty and
unremarkable school record with many great men such as Isaac Newton,
Winston Churchill etc. Although I make no claims of being anywhere
near their remarkable league. I however realized much of my scholastic
potential during my adult life, by late post matric private study at
home. When I put my mind to learning a subject I always succeeded by
coming out near the top of the class. During these very early years,
I began to question nearly everything, my existence. What is God? In
addition, from the age of seven I developed a life long love for
science fiction fascination in astronomy and the Divine.

At the age of 38, I unexpectedly started to have very severe spells of
melancholy, finding out later out that they were due to endogenous
depression, an unbalance of brain hormones or neurotransmitters. I
started to experience constant headaches; some so sever migraines that
I needing morphine to ease the terrible pain. I began to visit the
doctor regularly for this and other numerous complaints that began to
worry me daily. A tight band around my head seemed to be squeezing it
with a feeling of terrible pressure, so sever that I felt my head was
going to explode. I also started to experience, unusual for me,
constant crippling fatigue, so severe that I felt was dying or melting
out of existence. Things began to be surreal at work and I began to
battle to concentrate, with a feeling of remoteness from reality. My
nights, instead of rejuvenating rest that most people experienced, was
now being plagued by hideous nightmares and consequently unrelenting
insomnia. At work no longer my usual alert energetic self, to avoid
passing out from fatigue, I had to lock the door to my office during
the day and rest. Why was I feeling like this way? Quit happy,
without any real problems or troubles up to this point in my life.
Life started to lose its luster, color joy and intensity, becoming
progressively darker, grayer, colder and very bleak, wondering why I
needed to continue to exist. It seemed ridiculous to feel this morbid,
considering that there appeared to be nothing medically wrong with me
and I had no reason to feel so awful and negative. I simply could not
put my finger on any reason for my gloom; I was doing extremely well
at work, advancing rapidly and considered by my fellow managers and
the C.E.O. as an extremely bright young performer, with a very bright
future in the corporation. Every night in my effort to go to sleep I
would go into that strange state between wake and sleep known as
hypnagocic sleep feeling someone or something evil was over looking my
paralyzed body. I twisted and contorted as I tried to move or leave my
motionless body and escape this horror move and wake up. I went to my
G.P. who was perturbed and suggested I see a psychiatrist
immediately. Very reluctant to follow his advice, saying I definitely
was not crazy or mentally sick and became highly indignant and
insulted by this suggestion. I continued to refuse or acknowledge to
anyone that there could possible be anything mentally ill about me.
The term mental illness carried a tremendous stigma then, (and still
unfortunately does) and I felt it could affect my progress at work as
Senior I.T. Manager, just as it ultimately and tragically did.

My performance at work and home began to get worse and worse.
Communication with those close to me, my staff at work and boss got
considerably worse by the day. I progressively withdrew more and more
into myself. My previous strong religious conviction and faith in God
weakened considerably. As a result, on being a bodybuilder and fitness
fanatic who ran and trained every day, I had developed imposing
physical appearances at a muscular 104 kg and retained good health. In
addition, I had developed formidable intellectual knowledge, due to a
lifetime of insatiable curiosity. Consuming thousands of books and by
questioning every source, I could access in order to obtain the keys
to all unknown mysteries. I was married to a beautiful woman and had
four beautiful school going daughters.

Before the unimaginable lows of depression my restless dynamic mind
moved between a vast host of subjects, as diverse as physics,
chemistry, quantum mechanics, history, music, art, poetry, religion,
medicine, anatomy, thermodynamics, micro and macro biology,
anthropology, wild life, creation, mathematics, metaphysical,
geography, engineering, computer science, plate tectonics, genetics,
mind control, physiology, psychiatry, psychology evolution, cosmology,
astronomy, plate tectonics, genetics, literacy, science fiction,
engineering, the origin and end of all things, the esoteric world,
philosophy, architecture, the study of the lives of great men, origin
of man, etc, etc. I estimate over my lifetime that I must have read
more than twelve thousand books. More than six books a week, from the
age of eight and until now (2007). This does not include the numerous
books needed for formal studies. The depression definitely put a
damper on this reading, but I never really stopped, even in the midst
of my deepest despair. It was what one of the things that sustained me
during this long crisis. I still have a special love for science
fiction.

The depression continued to get worse, I felt I had bad flu constantly
and felt nauseous and full of aches and pains all the time. Constant
headaches continued the tight band around my head got tighter and
tighter until I felt my head was really going to explode. Terribly
sick and in abject despair, desolation, dark bleak coldness and horror
descended like an eternal nightmare into my tormented mind. I could no
longer sleep and went night after night without rest until on some
nights I finally managed to fall into a nightmarish succession of
small micro- sleeps, plagued with hideous continual nightmares, that
in no way helped my ever-increasing death- like fatigue. If I had been
a Stephen King and could recall all these horrible nightmares in
detail and pen these appalling fearful terrors to paper and make
movies from them I would be a multi- millionaire. I finally relented
and agreed reluctantly to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I
was in the throes of very severe endogenous uni-polar depression, put
me on an anti-depressive drug (Tofrenol) and booked me off work for a
month. The drug helped for a while and then lost its affect. Numerous
other anti-depressive, anti-psychotic, and tranquilizer drugs both
singular and in combination were tried on my without much success. It
all seemed to be utterly hopeless and death was becoming more and more
attractive to me than life. I really started to contemplated suicide.
Nothing seemed to be helping get out of this awful rut. I received
psychotherapy without avail. My descent into the terrible hell of the
unimaginable, unspeakable horror of the black hole of depression
continued... Consequently, hospitalized over eighteen times over the
following years in an effort to bring this demon under some sort of
control, with limited success. Over 30 electric convulsive treatments
where also administered over this protracted period of agony. I asked
for and received a demotion at work. This was most humiliating to me,
as I had now to work under the supervision of idiots that were my
intellectual inferiors, which I had to prop up and who took most of
the credit for my work. My family watched helplessly as I descended
further into this hell on earth, not really understanding. They could
not seem to comprehend what was really happening to me and I think
they felt it was some sort of weakness, lack of back- bone, character
weakness or moral fiber. Especially my Father who absolutely could not
comes to terms with this enigma and was most disappointed at my
apparent failure in life. Even my closest friend came to work saying
he and his wife had discussed my problem the previous night and
concluded that I was not ill but suffered from some sort of
indefinable weakness. My daughters also did not really understand and
felt they had lost the beloved father they had looked up on admired
and respected up until then. Reflecting back now I am so very very
sorry and regret I could do nothing to stop this awful family tragedy.
It was a case of having to do the impossible and pull myself up with
my own shoestrings. From this point on, I reseeded helplessly away
from all those I loved. No longer there, my daughters had to cope on
their own, without my counsel, love and wisdom from this point on,
(which they did so wonderfully and for which I am so very proud of
them). My wife while also not really understanding was a brick of
strength and without her love, I would now be dead. I cannot express
the depth of my regret to my wife and family for the loss of their
beloved father and husband over all these many years I have been
absent from them. “I do, however feel hurt and humiliated that they
have lost respect and admiration they once had for me, due to no fault
of my own”. I now feel a total failure in life and wait for death
eagerly. I have lived long enough and ready to go into that dark
unknown dimension beyond death. I love my wife dearly and eternally
and she will always be my soul mate. I feel sorry, however, that my
daughters have buried me symbolically before I am dead as they
consider me a hopeless case and that I had traveled a road to far to
ever come back. They are ashamed of their father instead of proud. I
lost my faith in God and consequently as my rudder to guide through
the trials of life is gone. I feel now lost in the vast ocean in the
doldrums of existence. I just want to cease to exist now and cover
myself with the peace of the dark blanket of oblivion.


Normally very clean tidy disciplined and organized I began to neglect
normal healthy daily routines.

I became afraid to get up in the morning, afraid to go to work, afraid
to drive or go anywhere, afraid to try to go to sleep due to the awful
dark horror that night brought, afraid to wake up and face the new
day. Instead of the blessed sleep and rest of normal healthy people
experienced. Does the reader now begin to understand the true horror
of depression? Nevertheless, read on there is more. Paranoia and
uncontrollable obsessions haunted me day and night. Finally became
catatonic, in a continual stupor in a mental hospital with vacant,
eyes dead lying looking up at the ceiling and not responding to any
stimulant became so catatonic that I reverted back to the fetal
position for a time. I remember this as some sort of a vague coma.
“Can anyone now just try to relate the hell on earth that I have had
to live in for all those many years of horror?

The severe depression absolute self-loathing, self-hatred, fear, loss
of self-esteem and loss of energy took a firm grip on me. I was afraid
to get up in the morning, afraid to go to sleep. When I slept, it was
a coma, sleep, full of nightmares. I could not taste food; sight, eyes
became dull and, seemed to be red and deep in their sockets hidden
vacant and dead. Skin dry and flaky, hair oily limp, together with a
host of other host of unexplainable aches and pains all over my body.
A feeling of being remote from reality and felting physically and
mentally sick all the time. I felt and looked years older than I
really was. I lost many many days from work by being, hospitalized on
numerous occasions. My hands and body continue to tremble and shake
all the time and I was sweating constantly. I contemplated suicide.
Nevertheless, so ill by then I could not even then come remotely close
to motivating myself to commit suicide. I was all too much effort I
was too tired much too weak to contemplate doing myself in. Indeed any
activity no matter how small was no just too much for me. I just
wanted to cease to exist. To the reader all this might seem extremely
self-centered and it is indeed the case, one becomes, while in the
grasp of this terrible illness, very self-centered and loses touch
with those around you who love you.

A psychiatrist finally decided to try Electro-Shock therapy on me,
with some success. This only anti-depressive treatment really that
gave me some relief. Six to ten shocks brought me out of depression
for a while. However, this life saving therapy would only bring me out
of depression for approx. 3-6 months. I had over thirty E.C.T.
sessions over the period of the severe uncontrolled manic/depression.

During another try with a different less radical treatment (Anafranil
drip), I started to feel much much better. I became abnormally and
extremely hopeful, positive and convinced that I was completely well
and healthy. Of course, now when one looks back I can see how
illogical this is. I stopped eating, did not sleep for weeks and lost
weight rapidly. I had endless energy. Speeding vivid thoughts like a
torrential rapid raging river flooded my brain. I began to write,
think and talk nonstop became poetic, musical and danced and sang with
unspeakable joy. I felt so very very wonderful, happy and totally
convinced God had indeed healed me. I illogically stopped all my
medication, throwing the lot down the toilet. I became extremely
loving and became obsessively clean, bathing four or five times a day.
I tidied up the house, cleaned and polished the floors; washed dishes
mowed the lawn and did gardening, things absolutely out of character.
Filled laughter and the joy of life everything was beautiful. My sense
of humor returned to an unusual extent and I found everything
extremely funny indeed. It was June 1980 and it was snowing outside in
Johannesburg South Africa. Returning to work in this state of
optimism, not knowing then that this was my first encounter with
“manic madness, the evil sister of depression and the realization that
I was an extreme manic/ depressive - bi-polar disorder sufferer”.

After these episode of mild hypomania my mood swings became much more
sever and pronounced. Held for ten long years in the iron grip of very
severe three- monthly swings from the very depth of depression and
despair to absolute total high insane of manic psychosis. The
extremely destructive out of control hyper- mania started to become
very very frightening to myself and to those around me. This phase if
not quickly brought under control can devastate ones life and the
lives around you and can even lead to death. It is the true horror of
the awesome power of the brain and mind-gone berserk, wrong and
descent into the unspeakable unexplainable hell of the very strange
world of true insanity. From this experience, I know that the brain
when malfunctioning is so enormously powerful it can throw one to the
floor with such force causing such severe convolutions that nearly
every bone in the body can be broken. Any psychiatrist, neurologist or
surgeon will verify this.

My psychiatrist then put me on lithium a well-known mood- leveler and
a good anti-depressive drug (Prozac).This approach appeared to help
somewhat and I was reasonably balanced for a time. I stress, however,
that I continued to have severe mood swings, even while on these anti-
depressive medications and mood levelers. My illness continues to get
worse becoming, so bad that I had to take early retirement at the
young age of 46. This had a further devastating impact on my self-
esteem, self-confidence and every area my whole life. I felt
humiliated embarrassed and a total failure in life and that I should
never had been born questioning my very existence. I developed an
enormous inferiority complex and became very ashamed of myself.
Feeling everyone looked down on me with contempt and pity. I could no
longer enjoy socializing as I did when I was healthy.

My patient wife and children and as some sort of a lack of backbone of
moral fiber or mental weakness. I must pull myself together somehow.
They could not comprehend that I was physically, pathologically and
mentally sick to the point of death. To find some sort of relief, I
started a secretive hazardous habit and, disastrous trend of substance
abuse. I consumed vast doses of prescription and over the counter
painkillers, extremely addictive bezodiazapam combinations, together
with cough mixtures. This only gave me temporary relief and in the
end, if possible made things much worse, and could have led to my
death, due to drug toxicity. If any young person or indeed anyone
reading this account, never ever touch drugs, not even once, or you
will be a slave to them for life and they might indeed take your very
life. If you never touch them, you will never miss them. Don’t even
start smoking.

I repeat, I had by now lost most my faith in God and started doubted
his very existence. My rudder was gone and life had become a ship in
the doldrums of vast Eternal Ocean of existence. I had no purpose any
reason to live or do battle with the evil reality that is manic
depression. It was simply bigger and stronger than I was. The locust
had eaten most of my youthful life. (27 years).

While the depressive phase of bi-polar disorder is extremely bleak and
dark, the outcome of the destructive phase extreme mania phase much
more horrifying, “if possible”. In the upper peaks of mania, you come
face to face with true madness, complete insanity or psychosis. Both
the peak and the valley of the sine wave of manic depression can
result in the same end and outcome death.


I come now come to the most difficult part in trying to relate to the
mentally healthy and somehow explain what goes on in the extreme
manic mind, while they are completely psychotic, in a way that they
can come close to comprehending this place of strange unending fear
terror and horror. To anyone that would still think I am weak after
reading what follows,(“if they have sufficient courage”), should
follows me into my feaful psychotic mind when it is in the relentless
grip of extreme manic madness. The bizarre terrifying world of the
fires of hell and horrifying compacted with the dark hopeless despair
and loneliness of extremes and depression, and come out sane and alive
and survive as I did.. “I dare anyone!” walk in my shoes and then
comment!

While writing this I am trying very best with all my skills with the
written word, to take the reader with me on this journey of terror and
horror that goes on in the labyrinth of my chaotic maelstrom mind and
brain, when I am in the relentless unrelenting grip, grasp and throes
of psychotic of manic insanity.

When mania starts to take control, I begin feel tremendously high,
energetic and good. I immediately stop ALL my medication, throwing the
lot down the toilet, when no one is looking. I try my very best in
this early stage to fool my wife and family that I am completely
normal and just feeling very well indeed. I can control myself and
appear to be normal at this early stage of mania and even fool my
psychiatrist by giving him all him all the correct answers to his
questions. For example, he might ask, “have you been hearing voices,
seeing visions or hallucinating lately? Although I am indeed
experiencing all these, I will untruthfully reply indigently, “of
course not, do you think I am a schizophrenic?” He might then ask,
“Who are you”? “Have ever thought you are someone special like god or
do you think you are god”? I will reply, knowing as I am indeed God
incarnate and that it is, therefore imperative to be truthful to this
question “I don’t think I am God (in my mind, however, I know I am
god). The psychiatrist could then perhaps ask, ‘are you taking your
medication properly? to which I will again lie saying “absolutely
religiously”.

Summing this up he often comes to the wrong conclusion and makes some
minor adjustment to my medication that I have absolutely no intention
of taking. The consequently of this is that he will soon see me in a
demented state again in some mental institution. Manics can often fool
psychiatrists, by these tactics, just as I did, in order to sustain
the joy and happiness they are experiencing at the time.

Going back to the point this account where I threw all my medication
down the toilet and the consequences thereof. The medicinal
controlling factor of bi-polar disorder being now secretly been
removed by myself, the terrible type of mania I am subject to can now
progress and spiral upwards into a maelstrom of total uncontrollable
psychosis. I am, however, unaware of this danger at this stage and
still feel certain I am in absolute control of myself. The delicious
pleasure of the first stages of the manic phase are so seductive and
so far better than any drug high, one feels that an eternity in this
happy glorious joyful beautiful state is an absolute necessity to be
sustained maintained forever. Nothing can convince me, when I am like
this, that there is anything wrong with me and any one trying to
reason with me that I am unwell makes me very indignant, Irritable and
very angry. Indeed, when in this extremes state of energetic
agitation, this joy and happiness can change in an instant into
extreme murdeuous rage.

Looking back now and after much careful reflection, I note that the
trigger my mania was caused by unbalanced brain neurotransmitters,
causing my brain to race and burn out. Thoughts, came with nonstop
obsessions and uncontrollable non- thinking, trying to know the
inscrutable? Religious obsession? What is the universe expanding into
if it is everything? What is absolute nothingness? Is infinity
possible? Why do we exist, is there a God, Infinity? The impossible
concept of eternity? My finite mind trying to arrive at by precise and
finite means to know the infinite and the explanation for all
inscrutably mysteries, the enigma of evil, the enigma that there is
no such thing as nothingness?, what is time?, what is life?, what is
the of purpose of life?, what is energy?, know the mind of god?, is
evolution toe?, what is gravity?, what is god?, what came before the
big bang of creation?, how many dimensions are there in existence?,
are there other universes beyond ours, what is outside the boundaries
of the universe, Will the universe continue to expand forever?, what
is forever?, is there life after death? Is there a heaven or a hell?
What is the purpose of life/, is life meaningless? etc, etc, etc. I
feel unreasonably that I must know everything in existence, that it is
imperative to unravel all mysteries to know the inscrutable mind of
God and become one with the infinite eternal divine sublime reality.
On, on, and on day and night, without rest trapped in a life- time
cycle of questions with no answers that I simply cannot accept. An
unsettling uncontrollable flood of never-ending disturbing thoughts
that give me no rest, day and night. I must just know everything
before meaningless death overtakes me and I die in ignorance.


Mania is so very delightful at first, so seductive and wonderful
creeping unawares on the helpless victim, cannot tell or will even
admit that there was anything wrong, because of the fact that one
feels so unearthly wonderful.

Please note that what I am describing is not the mild beneficial
hypomania of high performing persons of history who also had this
disorder. This mild form of mania existed in a large number of great
and creative persons. It was there that one saw the enormous energy of
Winston Churchill , Ludwig Van Beethoven, William Blake, Napoleon
Bonaparte,, Charles Dickens, T.S. Elliot, Robert Frost, Sigmund Freud,
Ernest Hemmingway, Abraham Lincoln, Jack London, Robert Cow ell,
Michelangelo,, Mozart, Isaac Newton, Edgar Allen Poe, Mark Twain,
Vincent Van Gogh, King David, King Saul. To name a very few of the
countless great personalities that suffered in different degrees from
a milder form of this disorder.


To reiterate, the first symptom of mania is the lifting of depression
one feel so very wonderful, I always stop all medication. Once I
reached the higher level of mania, where I no longer had any control
over myself I progressively went into a long altered state of
consciousness, sometimes as long as three months before some normality
returned. Energy becomes so boundless and one is dangerously without
fear, stop sleeping, develop extreme, sublime, exalted grandiosity,
ecstasy, joy, wonder, delight, rapture bliss, elation, sublime
euphoria, hallucinates constantly and has bright eyelid visions,
stops, eating and etc, etc. Who would ever want to give up a state of
mind like this? Everything is much much more intense, colors are more
beautiful, smell becomes much more acute, food tastes wonderful, sleep
is not necessary, endless imagery reading researching debating writing
thinking laughing everything is fully have godlike insight. Eyes are
bright hair shining skin looking healthy. Losing weight rapidly as
appetite decreases and in the end one simply stops eating altogether.
Everything becomes so bright so glorious, beautiful colors of flowers
crass, trees, sky, stars, everything is now observed and recorded in
the brain in minutest detail, so unearthly, unspeakably indescribably
beautiful beyond the normal senses. Is this then heaven, no! As an
incandescent light overloaded with too great voltage, my neurons are
all lit up at once and if continued would blaze like this much longer
would burn out, blink out, and die if this continued. This state is
absolutely abnormal and dangerous. Members of my family approach, me
telling me I must take my medicine and I am not well. This is
ridiculous to my irrational mind then and I lie that I have been taken
my medicine religiously If they persist I become belligerent, angry,
irritable and start to avoid contact with these people that I perceive
as mere mortals (grandiosity,) unlike my most high and exalted self. I
know everything I am the essence of the sublime, indeed I am Christ
merged with God and all-powerful and Omni-all.

It then progresses to constant nonstop rapid uncontrollable thinking,
wild laughter, and increased sense of humor non-stop talking and
uncontrollable Racing River of thoughts. Acute sense of taste smell
touch & vision, sound everything is more acute, in this advanced phase
of manic madness. I am convinced I have developed a sixth sense, that
I am God.

I become delusional, begin to hallucinate, sometimes-beautiful visions
of other worlds, universes, heaven and see and perceive colors that do
not exist on this earth. I feel I was in constant communication every
being in existence as I was truly God incarnate. I was convinced I was
God. I KNOW that I am the incarnation of the sublime, wanting to
remain in this state forever.

I continue to have vivid visions and dreams, so real that I still do
not know if I was communicating with some higher intelligence. I can
see the future flashing before my eyes in rapid non-stop visions. My
eyes dart back and forth, back and forth, become red, and inflamed and
terrifying to look into. I am in another reality beyond space and time
an alarming altered state of consciousness. I live beyond time in the
eternal moment no loner feeling glorious, I am becoming more and
scared, and terrified of this uncontrollable state and everything
starts to go out of contra. My body begins to die from the unrelenting
drain off energy on it by this completely abnormal state of affairs. I
became paranoid fearful, horrified, terrified desperate to escape the
horror that has become my tormented mind. Is there a hell? yes! I have
experienced it already on this earth. One moment I would be in a state
of extreme elation and the next belligerent, annoyed, hostile,
aggressive and even violent. I feel everything is in bondage and must
be free at once go outside and let all the neighbors dogs out, go to
the local mall and terrify shop owners, herding more about a hundred
people into one corner there proclaiming I was god and I was about to
destroys or immediately kill them all for their unrepentant continual
evil. I became out of my mind with hysterical rage anger that I felt
my brain would explode. Was I dangerous then? Yes! Very dangerous to
myself and if I had remained in this state much longer, I could have
killed some innocent bystander or myself.

Then absolutely socially inappropriate I would walked around demented,
without shoes or shirt and approach anyone in the street shouting
scripture or philosophy, particle, micro and macro physic, astronomy
and cosmology, if they did not understand me, I got extremely angry,
I rage, calling them all a bunch of ignorant idiots. I would also
remind every person I met, while roaming the streets like a berserk
wild man beside himself that end of the world was upon us.

I was now completely out of control completely without fear. How could
I fear if I was God? The police arrived and as soon as I saw him, I
grabbed his gun and told him to shoot me. I was unafraid of anything
and uncaring whether if I lived or died. The police unsure of what was
wrong with me with great difficulty took me forcible to a doctor
nearby. The doctor was terrified of me with my wild insane appearance
and had no clue of what was wrong with me. Eyes glowing, darting side
to side back and forth back and forth completely red with pupils
dilated. Laughing and babbling hysterically like a rapid broken record
on high speed. By now the police, doctors (yes there was by now two
trying to rationalize what was wrong with this terrifying insane demon
in their midst?). One of the doctors said in my hearing to someone
that I was in the throes of severe vitamin withdrawal” I found this
comment hysterically funny ridiculous and hilarious and burst into
extremely loud sustained hysterical laughter. The doctor corrected me
by saying he did not say vitamin withdrawal but amphetamine
withdrawal. I kept asking the police officer to shoot me as I was
convinced I was immortal. Luckily, for me kindly refrained. He was a
kind and loving young man that realized that something was very wrong
with me and held my hand throughout this awful ordeal. He asked me if
one of the doctors present could give me an injection and I agreed,
saying they could inject any poison even cyanide into me and I would
not react, as I was a God-man. They subsequently gave me nine
injections of some concoctions in order to calm me down. At first,
these injections seem to have no affect on me and the young police
officer was the only one that could calm me down somewhat. Unknown to
me an ambulance was on its way to take me urgently into a mental
hospital on the advice of a psychiatrist, which one off the doctors
had contacted telephonically.

On arriving hospital now began to descending down and down into an
almost coma state. Given further injections of unknown substance and
began to drift off. “(Twelve injections in all? I am lucky to be
alive”. In hospital, TV like visions on my eyelids continued to
horrify and plague me so badly I was terrified to close my eyes. Just
by thinking and closing my eyes, I could see any member of my family
or anyone else and observe exactly what they were doing at the time no
matter where they on earth. I had become psychic. I saw visions,
terrifying clear as day in full color three-dimensional moving images
of the past as well as the future. After each vision, a “voice?” would
ask me, “do you want to savor the moment?” also by just thinking about
something, someone, somewhere or indeed and I saw what I wanted to on
my eyelids, as one sees on a movie screen. You don’t believe. I do not
care! I know I what I have seen and heard, I could see into and hear
telepathically the mind of all living things, especially humans. An
uncontrollable cacophony and babble of voices from thousands of minds
all around me soon became loud and unbearable. I escaped from hospital
by jumping out of a window, early in the morning when it was still
dark cold. It was mid- winter and I was freezing in my pajamas looking
up into the dark sky waiting for the coming of God and his host of
angels. I began to thirst, (possible due to the affect of the twelve
injections previously mentioned). My mouth was dry I thirsted. In my
mind, there in the darkness of the early morning, I saw the slaughter
of the innocents. I saw and heard a message from God to humanity;
"mere mortal man, "I God am not pleased with you". I heard god
replacing world leaders.


Changing from knowing I was God to the awful paradigm of somehow
becoming his eternal enemy Satan. I became in my deluded mind, the
Devil incarnate and for the first time felt absolute terror of
desolation, abandonment horror real fear of the remoteness that would
come from my sin, and the utter hopelessness of eternal separation
from god in the eternal flames of hell. Feeing the absolute horror
that I had now committed the unforgivable sin against God and was
doomed burn in hell forever. I became obsessive-compulsive, bathing
5-6 times a day, constantly thinking, could find no rest. I stop
sleeping; millions of vivid thoughts, images and loud voices and
sounds bombarded my tormented soul, day and night. Nothing I could do
could not stop these horribly frightening unwelcome inputs from
flooding my fevered sick brain and I cried out for death. Sleep
continued to elude me. Evil dark cold bleak thoughts burned in the
blazing furnace that was now my brain. My eyes are now blood red.
Consumed with ice-cold fear. By now very emotional weeping for no
reason. Perhaps I was on the once again on the uncontrollable ride
down to the pit of the depressive cycle of bi-polar depression.

I started to speak to myself and had visions of hell. I tried looking
outward into infinity/ eternity/ nothingness and retracted my mind in
alarm, in an effort to prevent myself from going completely psychotic,
from the monstrous colossal undiluted evil I see. Is this the evil
eternal thing destined for the eternal abyss? I feel the desolation of
this place, A place so evil so horrible even God will not look into
it. I fear and think God will thrust this evil and me, into this
bottomless pit and forget us there forever?
Now wildly manic & psychotic. I go into a stupor and retract into a
deep coma, and seem to observe from at the very cliff edge the true
ultimate end of the horror that is the monster of manic madness and
death.

Where there still options left for me. Who could help me now? Where
was I to go from this terrible place? That is the battleground of my
mind. I believe I came out of this hideous madness by going to my
creator calling out to God to help me, and he lifted me out again into
his light with infinite power and love.

Love conquers all. It is the love of my family, my beloved wife,
caring friends and wonderful doctors that I am alive still and able to
write this account hoping somehow it could help someone else in a
similar dilemma. There is always hope. Be warned guard the door to
your mind.

Going back to the first moment of awareness, when god was alone in the
infinite darkness of ultimate loneliness, I knew he had a good eternal
reason for creating me and nothing evil would ever prevail against
him. I jerking awake from the coma, I see a glorious beautiful
translucent light of many colors, light now dispelled the darkness of
me brain. Hope eternal returns to and my misery begins to turn into
quiet peace. I feel final victory of goodness could be at hand.

I see a view from the very highest of mountains. I looked out, saw
there was no horizon, and attempted to look at and understand
infinity. The plain I see goes on forever and forever with no end. I
tried to comprehend infinity and immediately started to retract, from
this paradox of the incomprehensible. I realized that it was futile to
try to unravel the inscrutable When I got back home I noticed that I
had become very creative writing papers on poetry, physics, history,
philosophy, science, astronomy, cosmology, relativity and biblical
interpretation Unique thoughts out nowhere and not found in literature
just came to me out of the blue as revelation which I then documented
on paper and onto my computer. I found I was posing unique questions
that none no one internet or anyone else had asked by googling on all
the subjects that interested me. My mind was constantly active.

Was this the last of the episodes? No! Nevertheless, up to the time of
writing this article I have never experienced another episode remotely
as severe as that detailed above.

I often hear that trauma has a purpose and once we have survived it we
come out stronger, learning some mystery of life, become wiser and
more balanced. I can not buy into this point of view in my case as I
see what has happened to me and what is indeed still happening to me,
as pain without purpose or reason. Maybe in the next life, if there is
one, the reason, if there is one, will finally be revealed to me.

I have to remain on medication to control my bi-polar depression for
the rest of my life.

Anyone going through a similar experience is most welcome to contact
me on the addresses listed below, I will do my utmost to help them in
anyway I can. You know this just might be the purpose I had to endure
the horror of this most severe type of manic/depression, so that I
might be of some help and comfort to others in a similar dilemma,
knowing no matter how dark things seem to be there is always hope.

Alan Grant McDougall,
mcdouga...@yahoo.com







.








•

[- darkman® -]

> My name is Alan McDougall and I was born on the 23/12/1940 in South
> Africa.

On Oct 14, 3:47 am, Alan McDougall <gstrange...@gmail.com> wrote:
>  Please contact me on mcdougall.a...@yahoo.com

Instead of here, in the open forum of this BP Group? Not likely that
is going to happen.....
>
Big Snip~

Mr. McDougall, you are a talented writer. A bit full of yourself but I
have no doubt that you got A's in composition. One thought comes to
mind though, "There is no sound so sweet to hear than that of thine
own voice. It's really not a problem as I do it all the time.

So, after investing the time it took to read your missive, what can I
do for you?

- darkman® -

[David Watts]

Hi Alan thanks for the post.  Very difficult for you and your family.  Darkman tell us your story I would like to hear it.  

[ddmsp...@aol.com]

Wow Allen!  I would like to thank you for  all that time and energy in sharing your story!  It was very, very scary and enlightening. I sure hope that with God's help that there is miraculous but probably slower then you wish for healing going on with your Family.( and yes I totally believe in Miracles)And too I sure hope you are being paid for your FINE writing skills!  Donna