Husband as Guru- By HG Mahatma das

[Venugopal & Padmini]

Husband as Guru  
By Mahatma Das
Dear Devotee,
Recently an unmarried female devotee told me that a man was 
interested in getting to know her, and in their discussions he mentioned that
‘the husband is the guru.’ She asked me for guidance on the 
subject.
This Illumination is what I wrote to clarify for her (and him) what 
it means for a husband to be a guru - and what it doesn’t mean; for 
misunderstanding what this means will be the cause of an unhappy 
marriage.
Even though Prabhupada writes that a failed marriage is usually the 
woman’s fault, if a woman has a good husband, she will stay loyal. As I 
often tell men, “Don’t make it difficult for your spouse to be a good 
wife.” 
I had some reservations about making this letter public because I 
expect that some men will not agree with me (although I doubt any woman 
will disagree). But I decided to turn it into a newsletter because it is an
important discussion.
I would be happy to hear your comments on this important subject.
May you always think of Krishna,
Mahatma das
Is it the Woman’s Fault?
Even though Prabhupada writes that a failed marriage is usually the 
woman’s fault, if a woman has a good husband, she will stay loyal. As I 
often tell men, “Don’t make it difficult for your spouse to be a good 
wife.” 
The husband as the guru of the wife is an interesting topic. Some men operate
under the paradigm that since I am the guru of my wife, she is 
duty-bound to do anything I ask of her. I am not saying it is not the 
duty of the wife to submissively serve the husband, but the idea that a 
husband has a right to be over-demanding of his wife reflects a 
misunderstanding of the duty of the husband.
You might think, “Are there really many men today in Iskcon who are 
that demanding?” Not only are there demanding men in Iskcon, some 
(perhaps many) are more demanding of their wives than men outside of 
Iskcon. My experience shows me that many men have misunderstood 
Prabhupada’s statements about the duty of a husband and the duty of a 
wife.
We have a higher divorce rate in Iskcon than in the outside society. 
We also have a high rate of unhappy marriages (devotees who remain 
married because they are dutiful, not because they are happily married). This
problem is commonly caused by male devotees misunderstanding what 
it means to be a man.
Arrogance
In sastra we read that the husband is the guru. Many men believe this 
means the wife should obediently do whatever is asked of her, no matter 
how difficult or unreasonable it may be. But the husband does not have 
the right to be unreasonably demanding. This is not the kind of 
relationship a guru and disciple have.
When Prabhupada was asked by his disciple Vishal, “Should the wife do whatever
the husband says?” Prabhupada replied, “And you should be so 
arrogant?”
What does it mean to be guru to a wife and what does it mean for the 
wife to see her husband as guru?  Guru is one who is moving towards 
Krsna. If the husband is moving towards Krsna, naturally the wife will 
follow. And even if she doesn’t follow him perfectly, by serving him she
partakes in his spiritual advancement. So husbands, your main duty as 
guru of your wives is to be steadily advancing in Krsna consciousness.
A Guru Shows Affection
A guru does not push the disciple beyond his or her limits. Neither 
should a husband. A guru encourages his disciple according to his 
propensity so that he is enlivened and happy. Women married to overly 
demanding men are rarely happy. This is because a woman wants a husband 
who is affectionate, not dictatorial. 
Of course, a guru guides the disciple. But to guide the wife, and for the wife
to want to listen to the husband, she must be well taken care 
of emotionally, not just taken care of materially. Disciples follow 
their guru because of the love and care they receive from him. The guru 
is full of affection for his disciple, always giving to the disciple 
more than the disciple is giving back. Thus the disciple wants to 
reciprocate. It must be the same with a husband.
Walk Your Talk
The husband/wife relationship is not meant to mimic a formal 
guru/disciple relationship, because the guru/disciple relationship is 
predominated by awe and reverence, whereas a husband/wife relationship 
is predominated by friendship and conjugal affection. So ‘husband as 
guru’ refers primarily to the man being spiritually strong, setting a 
good example, showing affection and inspiring his wife in spiritual life
 by his example.
Being guru means to “walk your talk.” If a man does this, naturally 
the woman will respect him. If he wants respect, he must act in a way 
that commands respect. If he doesn’t act respectfully, but only demands 
respect, he should not be surprised - or upset - when he doesn’t receive the
respect he demands.
Listen to Me
If the husband is guru, doesn’t it mean it is his duty to instruct his 
wife? In Vedic times women did not receive diksa, so because the husband
 was trained in the gurukula he would take responsibility to give his 
wife the knowledge he received from his guru. Today, women have access 
to instructions from many gurus and teachers, so the role of the husband
 as sole spiritual teacher has changed.
Women appreciate husbands who follow Krsna consciousness well, but as mentioned
above, it is unlikely that he is the one she receives most of her spiritual
instructions from. This is because the husband/wife 
relationship is not primarily a teacher/student relationship; it is a 
partnership. Still, if a couple has a good relationship, and the husband is a
good devotee, the wife will appreciate a husband who shares Krsna 
consciousness with her.
And men, beware that sometimes in the name of doing your duty to 
instruct your wife, you latch into a fault-finding session. And then you
scratch your head, wondering why your wife is reluctant to listen to 
you in the future? When instructing your wife, especially in sensitive 
areas, do it with care, affection and sensitivity. If in the name of 
instructing your wife she becomes upset, unhappy or discouraged, you are
failing in your duty as a husband/guru.
You Are Always a Servant
Men, remember you are a servant, not a master. It is sometimes a 
challenge to remember this in household life, but it is written on just 
about every page of Srila Prabhupada’s books; and I haven’t read any 
disclaimer stating that being a servant doesn’t apply to your wife.
Did I hear someone say, “If I do this I will be controlled by my wife. Then I
am not a man.”?
Be a real man
Being masculine doesn’t mean to control the wife so as to ensure that 
one is not controlled by her. To be masculine is to make a wife happy, 
to fulfill her needs, and be sensitive to her ups and downs. If a man 
does not do this, then he is not being a real man. This means he is 
being controlled by the lower modes of nature and that he is being more 
feminine than masculine.
When sastra speaks of being controlled by women, it is not what most 
men think. To patiently take care of a woman’s needs, to listen to her 
when she is upset, to be a stable force for her when she is overly 
emotional, is what it means to be a man. If a man does this, he is sense
controlled. If he can’t do this, he is being controlled by a woman’s 
behavior. This is what it really means to be controlled by a woman.
Unfortunately, many men are not good at being tolerant with their 
wives, and react to difficult situations by telling their wives they are
emotional and they should just pull themselves together. Sometimes when the
wife is upset they will argue or fight with her rather than try to 
understand and help her. Despite what some men think, fighting with a 
woman has nothing to do with being a strong man. It is the sign of a man who
succumbs to the mode of passion and ignorance. Somehow, this fact 
is so clear to women yet so unclear to men. 
Krsna is the supreme male, the supreme masculine, and He is 
submissive to Radharani. Krsna is never rough and tough with Radharani. 
He doesn’t yell at her or try to control her. He just tries to make her 
happy. This is what it means to be male. Of course, the movies portray 
males as being rough and tough, beating up other big rough and tough 
guys. But factually those “macho” men are only impressing other men, not other
women. Women don’t like these “tough” guys. They like men who are sensitive to
their needs.
Men who don’t want to (or can’t) regularly serve the needs of a woman as
described above should not marry. If they already are married, they 
should understand that it is their duty to always show affection and 
kindness to their wives. Men who can’t take care of their wives well and make
them happy are not fulfilling the duties of their asrama.
Purusa Bhava
When the man misunderstands his role as husband/guru, it is probably 
because his purusa nature is overtaking him (the enjoyer and controller 
consciousness). This is the potential danger of household life. The 
association of women tends to excite this enjoying and controlling 
nature. But bhakti is about serving. So a man shouldn’t think serving 
his wife means he is being controlled by her; he should think this is 
his natural position. His predominant role as protector and provider are
 both servant roles. And what is most important is that the service 
should be done with affection, sensitivity and understanding. 
When there is affection and protection, then a wife will naturally 
subordinate herself. When there is force and demand, she doesn’t respond well.
Yet, even if it works externally because the wife is dutiful, she won’t be
happy. If a woman is not happy in her marriage, it usually 
means the man is doing something wrong. Where there is a happy woman, it
generally means she has a good husband.
If a man thinks, “I am the guru of the family so my wife should 
simply obey me,” it means he wants the master-servant relationship to 
predominate in his marriage. But since the conjugal and sakhya moods 
predominate in marriage, the obedience he seeks will come naturally as a
by-product of a good relationship, just as the disciple naturally wants to
serve the guru in reciprocation of the guru’s affection. If a 
husband feels he has the right to force his wife to do things which 
cause her to be unhappy or put her in difficulty, he doesn’t understand 
his duty. To such husbands, we must ask the question, “Would you be okay with
your daughter marrying a man just like you?”
Earn Your Wife’s Affection
It seems that some men care more about being obediently served than 
having a good relationship. They want their wives to be more like a 
mother than a wife, to take care of them just because they are the 
husband. Your mother will happily take care of you even if you don’t do 
anything for her, but wives are not mothers. Wives will not happily take
 care of husbands who don’t take good care of them. Men should not think
 that they automatically deserve the affection and service of their 
wives. They need to earn it by providing not only physical protection, 
but by providing emotional support.
Make Your Wife Happy
A wife who serves no matter how a man treats her is a special woman. But
 because she is special a man may not treat her well because he knows 
she will obediently serve no matter what. This is a common example of a 
marriage that continues because of the dutiful wife despite a negligent 
husband. But the marriage is actually a failure in terms of 
relationship. If a man does not make his wife happy, he is setting a bad
 example of what it means to be a husband - and he is failing in his 
asrama. 
If a man tells a woman that the husband is the guru of the wife, she 
should ask him what he means by this. It is important that the man 
clearly understands what his role as guru is. If he misunderstands this, he
will likely create an unhappy family life. Anyone who gets married 
for any other reason than to serve will both be let down and frustrate 
their spouse.
If a man acts like a real guru, his wife will naturally respect and 
serve him. If he demands respect without commanding it, it will not 
produce happy results.