Monica to BO and Forum, RE: Martin Miller book
Beyond_Ideologies
Firstly, thank you for sharing with us your thoughts on Martin Miller’s new book and your continued views on what you feel about therapy vs redress. As you will recall I am a staunch follower of AM’s basic ideas on child abuse and fully understand her distortions as a mother. No one chooses distortions they are products of traumas. As results most people become parents with blind spots, distortions of all sorts and, of course, their children will suffer the consequences. I have said the obvious here, but what I am getting to is (and I am saying this both as the traumatized child I was and a mother whose children have suffered my unconscious acts totally all done in good faith. I wanted the best for my children but my own traumas prevented from giving importance to more care and protection that were crucial in avoiding preventable traumas to my children. I gained more consciousness as their problems increased pressure on me and I see nothing wrong with suggesting to them to seek healing. I totally agree that those parents that still do not see the harm they have done to their children and are dealing with demanding adults (like you and many others) on redress. But BO if parents, like yours, just CANNOT SEE how they damaged you, you will live in a perennial cry for justice. Economical compensation will not take away your anger and/or pain, that much you know, I am sure. I, however, agree that it is an obligation on the part of the parents to ‘pay’ materially what they cannot pay morally, but (note this), they needn’t live in guilt for mistake made unconsciously but instead feel deeply sorry for the harm they did. Alice, like me, did only what a mother who has gained insight on the harm she did to her children: identify to what she believe was best method to help her son heal from the trauma she was fully aware of. What I can’t stand about Barbara Rogers is the constant accusation on AM yet her own insight comes from knowing her and her works. AM did not deny or claim what kind of mother she was. She did well not to expose this as many readers might not have given importance to her books. In those books, she has apologized to her children too.
BO I have a terrible personal story which needs a lot of time to write down (I plan to write an autobiography), orphaned twice (given away quickly immediately after birth as me and other siblings were unwanted pregnancies of a servant, I was then adopted and lost my adopted mother at 4, sent to boarding school at age 4 or 5 and spent holidays with a foster parent/uncle who had a big family). I am bi-racial biologically and my foster parent were pure natives racially making me appear different visibly). I went to a different school from my foster parent’s children and I had a different religion from them too). I was and am supposed to be an illegitimate child but today I can only say that I am a product of ignorant and irresponsible pro-creators. They do not even deserve the word fathering or mothering.. I condemn their ignorance. Imagine if my peace of mind depended on my having economic compensation. I personally would not even want it from them. Later the biological mother appeared through one of the siblings that was searching for me and she said she had land (bought to her by the man who fathered all the children she bore) for us to inherit and built on. I refused and no regrets. She lived in semi-destitute conditions. Of course, if I had a chance to meet the man that fathered me the first thing I would work on is make him realize how much they hurt me and the other siblings (we were 7 born from the same couple, all given away promptly at birth, 3 died from situations of destitute adopting parents and 4 of us survived). I grew up until age 16 believing I was totally orphaned by one parent only. It was shocking form me when this adult (married with children already) sister appeared in my life and revealed this terrible story to me. This is just very brief, the dynamics of my growing up was, as a result, very lonely. I was the only one of the surviving siblings without a surname! Fortunately, it was in Africa and society is much simpler. I grew up ‘everyone’s’ child but no one’s in particular. I, therefore, was no one’s priority. This awareness was very painful to grow up with. Now then BO, with this background trauma and crippling neglect must have damaged me and I am lucky I met enlightened witnesses and the freedom of not being pinned down by abusive parents cushioned the effects of growing in such a condition. I could not be a good enough parent even if my biggest desire was to protect my children or give me what I did not get. But inevitably I had my blind spots to which my children paid a price too. Like AM, I would like my children to find a good counselor to help them address their traumas. They might get caught between my limits and the efforts I made, but they are free to outright condemn me as long as this will restore their integrity. I will happy if resolving pain lies there. Without chickening out of my own responsibilities to them, I chose a partner that was much more emotionally disturbed and I blindly let him spent most of the time with them as I was the bread earner. I painfully assisted his dissociated way of relating with the children and my constantly trying to make him understand that he making a mistake in exploding his anger and attempted spanking as a way of educating. He suffered from rage attacks too which he completely forgot literally 5 minutes when the rage was over. Often triggered by trivial reasons. It was drama but he truly couldn’t see what was wrong. He was sick and should have given importance to the risk I put my children in. I was at work all day and God knows only what they went through. I hurt every moment at these thoughts. At times, he manifested almost hatred for his own son. He suffered jealousy and sort my attention like a sibling. I was constantly hurting in witnessing this and reassured the children that they were alright and that his had problems. It was a devastating and destabilizing environment with no other relatives to relate to. We were alone in a big city. He too had ‘run away’ from his own family background. I was in a foreign country too. I should have given importance to the risk the children run. I underestimated and my social and economic condition was not favorable (remember I had no family myself to fall back on for support) and my survival priorities as the bread earner took over. He was unable to take responsibilities but he clang to me like a child. I had no courage to separate earlier but did it when the children were adult and unfortunately the damage was already done. This was my biggest mistake, but at the time, I had no choice. The price was and is high for me too, not to mention the healing they need to do to. As adults, they know I am at their disposal for any support (economic and otherwise) to attenuate the adversaries of life. This is what we need as children and what we look for in our partners, not perfect parents or partners in life, and apologies sincerely when we make a mistake. It is not how much one can get out of the other but how much realization we arrive that counts. The earlier this realization happens the lesser the mistakes, the lower the risk to harm others.
Lessons learned: Prevention is better than cure. Healing and finding inner peace is a very personal and complex journey. It is a constant dialogue with oneself.
My present status: I am relatively in peace with myself though I still have pain. I continue to heal by taking every opportunity of get into deep feeling to download my own pain and those that I caused to my children in particular. I live with the hope my children will find their way to inner peace too. We are victims of other’s ignorance and the best we can do, if we are fortunate not to be totally blind, is to avoid harming others and focusing on scapegoats.
Thank you BO, as usual you are a very stimulating communicator.
All the best,
Monica.
PS: This is why I do not write, I get into details and cannot stop but I am glad I have been able to put together the above. I feel good J. I am not reading it again to avoid re-correcting infinitely so excuse my editing errors.
Re on Martin Miller’s ‘denunciation’. First we would need to read the whole book. The comment on Barbara’s site is so badly written and/or translated and of course, she must have picked up this comment that ‘destroys’ the image of AM. I do hope the book will give the right ‘balance and checks’ of AM’s life, particularly as she is not alive to respond. I think the insight she exposed in the first three books reflect what Alice Miller felt. Martin Miller’s story is his story, as Alice Miller’s story is her story. But what you LEARN from your own story is what counts. This is Alice Miller’s gift to all of us.
I felt I missed out on an important comment which in the first place was the motive of my response to your posting in this thread.
Monica.