Kris to BO

[Beyond_Ideologies]

Whatever you choose to use as a description of who you believe you are
or have become as a result of a childhood of abuse can or might be a
part of where you may be as you journey into your past, see or feel
that you are at this point in your life. I certainly see myself as
having survived my childhood simply because I had to spend every ounce
of my strength just trying to stay alive because the abusers whom the
outside world referred to as my parents tried in every way possible to
kill me either physically or psychologically. I see myself as the
victor simply because I was strong enough to live. At times however,
because part of their abuse destroyed my ability to develop in the
ways a child who had loving parents would have developed, I
unfortunately was left with gaps and holes in my own development that
I was unaware of until I realized that I did not see, understand, feel
or have any real idea of what made me different from others and why it
was some of the times impossible or at least difficult to understand
or figure out certain things that most people take for granted. I
therefore some of the times see myself as a survivor because I have at
times lacked information I would have learned from such developmental
stages that would have given me the ability to be emotionally
healthy. While I can learn, understand and or recognize these
developmental gaps, I missed many years not understanding how such
gaps affected my life. in many instances they changed the very person
I became. In some instances the losses are so great, it is hard not to
feel anger and or sadness, for this loss of these basic s
developmental things that would have not only helped me, but also
likely changed who I now am. This then, some of the times makes me see
myself as a survivor because while I achieved victory the losses have
been great and the struggles some of the times continue even today. I
don’t necessarily see the term survivor as defining me as someone who
is now weak or missing essential aspects of who I am or damaged goods,
because despite what I had to endure I am a strong and capable
individual.

Just as many seem to think that you can’t move on unless you forgive,
I see my anger as strength. My anger allows me to feel strongly about
injustice and helps me direct my energy towards working for change in
the way or ways that I believe may help others. I guess it depends
upon how one defines the word survivor or the word victor as well.
Having the strength and determination to express yourself whether
others agree or not, working towards a world where children’s voices
can be heard because they are not just the property of adults but very
precious beings who will one day have the ability to define what our
world will become and who deserve unconditional love from the adults
who care for them.




Kris