My Begging Story

[Stella Davila]

Hello, I am writing you today to beg you to feel sorry for me, and I am really not sure how to begin.

I can tell you the problem I'm having is with my teeth, and it makes me think about why and how I ended up with such bad teeth on the right side of my face, and if there was anything I could have done differently to avoid putting myself in this vulnerable position by having to writing this humiliating post. 

And, as you can guess, yes, there were many things I could have done differently, and things I could have avoided in order to alter the situation I am in, and the circumstance of my life. Period.

Many people who knew me in the past, and know me now would probably say I am a private person, and some people who see my Facebook news feed can see what a terribly lonely person I am. Someone who has spent the best years of my life alone with a cat. And this my friends, is sad, and..... true. 

Recently, I have come to regret my decision to never ever marry or have children. I am certain if I would have gotten past the trauma of being an abused child who witnessed abusive relationships in my family, my life would have been different today. I probably would not have been so adamant about never getting married or having children.

But, please don't get me wrong. I love my family. My shortcomings were not their fault. It was my fault for not dealing with things very well. 

So, when I became a teenager, my parents divorced. And, after the divorce, I missed my Dad, and our home. I was very lost and mixed up. I was also very angry. So, I started hanging out with the wrong people. I also started smoking and abusing drugs, and I skipped school for weeks at a time. And, I was suicidal. My Dad saved my life when I swallowed two bottles of pills he had in the medicine cabinet while I was visiting him one weekend. And, I failed many classes in school. It is a Holy miracle I am even alive today, and I have a high school diploma. 

As I write this, I am beginning to think it isn't so bad to lose 2 upper molar teeth and 2 lower ones both on the same side of my face. One tooth is already missing on the bottom right side, and one tooth is missing on the top left as well. And, two teeth on the top right are broken. Who really needs to chew food anyway?

And, as always, fear and doubt surround me, so I want to stop writing this. I should just go ahead and keep all of this to myself instead. What will happen if I publish this letter and people know all these humiliating things about me? What if no one feels sorry for me because I'm poor right now and no one lends a helping hand and I have to have the teeth pulled anyway? I believe sometimes in life, we all have to take risks. Maybe I will lose my teeth, and maybe some people won't like because of my past. It's the chance I have to take.

So what happened to my teeth? Was it all the candy I ate as a child? I remember being addicted to eating candy. There was a lady who opened a candy store in the front section of her home which was located right where the school bus let us off near my Grandparents house. I was raised in the Ghetto, and I remember being extremely addicted to candy. Any stranger could have lured me away with candy. I  believe I would have done anything for candy. I think the entire neighborhood must have know of my addiction to candy. 

Once, there was a school girl who rode the same school bus who was also a classmate of mine, who decided one afternoon to mug me for my candy as I left the candy store on my way to my Grandparents house. Sure, this should have taught me a lesson about candy, and it certainly may have. I remember always having candy money because my Mom worked very hard to give me money. My Mom was always very very generous and not just with me, but with everyone in her family, and everyone she met. I wish you could have met her to know what I mean. She was the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate lady I have ever known. God Bless her soul and may her memory live forever. Her name was Theresa Ann Gonzales. God knows how much I miss her. God, give her a hug and a kiss, and a red flower for me. And keep her in the palm of your right hand until we meet again. Amen.

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