Proposed Beercamp Discussion Guidelines
Keith Bennett
Discussion Group Etiquette
Meetups and discussions can be great or awful, depending on the quality of the communication. Even just one person can ruin the event. Presenting ground rules in advance could improve the chances of a favorable outcome, and simplify corrective action if that should become necessary.
Here are some of my ideas about what such guidelines would look like:
Don’t Speak Too Long – The Two Minute Rule
The Two Minute Rule – if you have been speaking for two minutes straight, you should probably stop. Pause for an instant and observe the cues. What do the faces say? Are they turning away in boredom? Turning to their mobile phones? Fidgety? Or, hopefully, watching you intently in anticipation of your next brilliant words? It’s ok to say: “I have a lot more to say about this but I don’t want to monopolize the conversation.” Then, pause, and continue only if people ask you to continue.
Don’t Speak Too Often; Cultivate the Quiet Ones
If you find yourself doing most of the talking, then you’re probably talking too much. There are probably others who have said little or nothing. Seek them out and ask their opinions. “So, [insert name here], what do you think about all this?” Their silence may be due to their personality and not a lack of anything worthwhile to say. Who knows, you could meet a friend for life this way.
For Whose Benefit Am I Speaking?
Am I speaking only to enjoy the act of speaking to an audience? Do I want to boost my stature by bragging about something I’ve done? Am I motivated by my need to pontificate (religious, political, or otherwise) to people who would prefer not to hear it?
In other words, what value am I giving others by speaking my words? Am I informing or supporting in a way that is likely to be helpful?
No Preconceptions
What first impressions have I concluded about these people? About the one who is shabbily dressed? Old? Black? White? Female? Male? Wearing suit and tie? Slicked back hair? Long hair? Tattoos? Pink hair? Overweight? Attractive? Rich? Poor? Muscular? Arab? Jew? Mormon? South Asian? East Asian? Latino?
Put these aside and instead listen to what they say. (For a great video relevant to this, check out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jD8tjhVO1Tc). You might find a princess in pauper’s clothing.
Be Careful with Controversial Subjects
Unless you know the group and know that there is mutual trust and respect, be really careful about bringing up controversial subjects such as religion and politics. Even if no one objects, they may be feeling marginalized without saying so. And, the intensity can escalate to uncomfortable levels. If you do decide to bring up these subjects, do so with a genuine interest in others’ opinions, and listen respectfully and with an open mind to those who disagree with you.
Appropriate Volume
This too is an issue of respect. Speaking too softly excludes some from the conversation. Speaking too loudly is uncomfortable and unhealthy for the others. Also, in the case where the group is too large for one conversation, it makes comprehension difficult in the other discussions.
Don’t Tolerate Interruptions
When is it ok to start talking when the other person has not finished speaking? Sometimes it’s ok, but very often it’s not. It’s up to the group to agree on a threshold (probably implicitly without even discussing it) and enforce it. Usually this doesn’t happen and interrupters bully others into silence with impunity. Many people think it would be rude to object, or perhaps are too timid to say anything. Here are some of the things I’ve said in that situation:
“Excuse me, I wasn’t finished with what I was saying.”
“I don’t think X got to finish her thought. I’d like to hear the rest of it.”
And the nuclear option:
“You two have been talking back and forth to each other for a half hour now and interrupted anyone who tried to enter the conversation. I’d like to hear what they have to say.”
It doesn’t have to be argumentative or confrontational to be factual and assertive.
Move Around the Room
In a seated group that is too large for a single conversation, people almost always limit themselves to a subset of the participants for the entire time by staying in the same seat. This is silly, isn’t it? Why not move around? Are we again thinking it would be offensive to those we leave? But no, it’s not, it’s just common sense. You have invested time and resources in traveling to this meeting and attending it. Why shouldn’t you be able to interact with the larger group?
Language
In a group with varying degrees of proficiency in the language spoken, it can be really helpful to:
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not speak too quickly
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pronounce clearly
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be careful about the use of idioms that are not likely to be understood
The first two go not only for the most proficient ones, but for the least proficient as well. In particular, if you have a heavy accent, speaking especially slowly and clearly will make it easier for the native speakers to understand you.
Physical Presence
Lastly, be aware of your personal hygiene and odors, natural or artificial. Here are some of the problems I’ve seen in this regard:
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body odor – coming from dirty hair, body, and/or dirty clothes
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fragrance odor – applying perfume or any significantly scented products, including hair products and deodorant
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bad breath – some people have medical issues beyond their control, but often bad breath can be remedied by proper flossing and cleaning, and seeking medical attention if that hasn’t already been done
On occasion I have brought this up with someone and they have told me “no one has ever mentioned it to me before”. How many people would bring this up? Most of us suffer in silence, or, just as bad, withdraw from the social situation altogether. In addition, some are more sensitive to this than others, so just because one person doesn’t feel it’s a problem doesn’t mean it’s not.
Conclusion
On the one hand, I’m sorry to be so blunt, but on the other I feel refraining to do so is a disservice to the people who suffer and are not responsible for the problem in the first place. In my opinion, this is very much an issue of respect for one’s fellow human beings.