Child Bullying
mummy~to~connor
affects not just the bullies and victims, but those who witness the
behaviour and the distress of the victim. Bullying is widespread and
most commonly found in schools. A very competitive school environment
can contribute to bullying. Schools have a responsibility to create an
environment where children feel safe and in recent years schools have
taken steps to develop policies against bullying. However children can
be bullied anywhere. Bullying can have a very bad effect on the child
who is being bullied and on the child who is allowed to go on bullying.
Bullying needs to be taken seriously by adults.
What is bullying?
Bullying is deliberate. It is the desire to hurt, threaten or frighten
someone. It can be with words or actions. It can be by one person or
more, and can vary in the degree of severity. It can be a 'one-off'
incident, but usually involves repeated actions by a child or children.
The differences in power make bullying possible.
Bullying can include threatening, teasing, name calling, excluding,
ganging up, preventing others from going where they want to, or taking
away their belongings. It can be pushing, shoving or hitting and all
forms of physical abuse. It includes sending hurtful or scary messages
on phone calls, SMS text or e-mails. It can be one or a number of
these, however verbal abuse is the most common form of bullying.
It happens at school - in toilets, change rooms, locker rooms and
playgrounds. It happens outside school - at bus stops and train
stations, on transport, in parks, walking home, at sporting clubs, in
fun parlours and at home.
As long as the bullying gives satisfaction and no-one does something
about it, the bullying will continue.
Children who bully
There are many reasons. Children who bully may:
pick on just anyone, or choose their victim
find that bullying pays (get what they want or get admired by others)
be aggressive and impulsive
enjoy feeling powerful over others
not be affected by the distress of the victim
believe that some kinds of people deserve to be bullied
see it as fun
have been influenced by aggressive 'models' (in real life and/or in
movies/or on TV)
often have a violent family background
see their behaviour as 'pay-back' for some unfair treatment
be or have been victims themselves.
Children who bully are more likely to grow up to bully their partners
and their own children.
Children who are bullied
Any child can get bullied. Sometimes children who are popular, smarter
or attractive can be victims of bullying but bullies may pick on
children who seem easy to hurt. Children can be picked on who:
look different or are different
are stressed, either at home or at school
have a disability
struggle with schoolwork
are not good at sport
lack social confidence
are anxious
are unable to hold their own because of being smaller or weaker or
younger.
Occasionally children provoke other children to bully them by teasing
first.
Being bullied is very distressing for the victim and needs to be dealt
with.
Signs of being bullied
Children who are being bullied may not always tell adults. They may be
afraid or ashamed. They may think it is their fault. They may think it
is 'dobbing'. They may have been threatened with something worse if
they tell.
Some signs of being bullied may be:
not wanting to go to school
finding excuses for not going to school, eg feeling sick or being sick
wanting to go to school a different way, eg changing the route, or
being driven instead of catching a bus
being very tense, tearful and unhappy before or after school
talking about hating school or other children
showing bruises or scratches
damage to or loss of personal belongings
showing problems with sleeping, eg not sleeping, nightmares, bedwetting
not having any friends
refusing to talk about what happens at school.
These signs may not necessarily mean your child is being bullied, but
you need to check out what is worrying your child.
The effects of bullying
Being bullied can damage lives. The long-term effects of on-going
bullying can damage a person's health and well-being that lasts into
adult life. It damages self-esteem, increases anxiety and can cause
serious depression. Bullies are more likely to continue with the
aggressive behaviour and engage in delinquency and violence.
Bullying can make children feel afraid, petrified, lonely, angry,
distressed or physically ill. Children who are always 'on guard'
are always checking where the bully is and wondering when it will
happen again. When children are 'on alert' like this, they are less
likely to concentrate or to learn. Their friendships may suffer as they
are often worried and not ready to have fun.
Children may begin to feel they deserve the treatment and become
withdrawn, isolated, and feel less able to fit into their world.
What parents' can do
Listen to your child and take seriously her feelings and fears.
Try not to take everything into your own hands, unless it is an
emergency, because this is likely to make your child feel less in
control. In extreme cases action must be taken without your child's
approval.
Help your child to work out what ideas she has about coping with the
problem. Write them down. Include a few of your own to get started.
Then talk with her about which ones might help or not help and why.
Choose an idea that she would like to try and then check out how it
works.
Don't call your child names eg "weak" or "a sook" and don't
let anyone else do so.
If the bullying is verbal teasing you may be able to help your child to
learn to ignore it, so the child who is doing it does not get any
satisfaction out of it. You could practise at home ways to help your
child gain confidence, eg the way to walk past with her head up.
Help your child think of ways to avoid the situation, eg by going a
different way home, or staying with a group. (Your child needs to feel
safe, but should not have to change her life to avoid being bullied.)
Some children are helped by imagining a special wall around them to
protect them from the hard words that will bounce off.
Work on improving your child's confidence by concentrating on the
things she can do well.
Find out about 'assertiveness training' which may be useful. (When
victims can solve the problem unaided there is a great rise in
self-esteem.)
If your child has been traumatised she may need professional help.
Most importantly, if the bullying is happening at school, contact your
school.
Be very careful that your child does not feel that being bullied is her
fault. It is the bully who needs to change and stop her behaviour, not
the child who is being bullied. Do not bully the bully.
Talking to the school
When bullying happens at school you will need to talk to the school
about it. Most schools in South Australia have policies that deal with
bullying.
Make a list of the things that have happened to your child. Be clear
and be firm about his suffering. Be prepared to name the children who
bully. If bullying persists, write down WHO, WHAT, WHERE and WHEN.
Talk to the Principal about the school's way of dealing with bullying
and what steps the school will take to prevent it happening again to
your child.
Talk to the teacher about what can be done to help your child.
Keep in contact until the problem is sorted out.
If you find it difficult to talk about this with the school, take
another adult with you.
It is important to get professional support if:
this is an ongoing problem rather than an occasional one for your child
it happens to your child a lot, in different situations and with
different children. Research has shown that one in six Australian
students are bullied every week, and that those children are three
times more likely to develop depressive illnesses.
Being harassed/bullied on the phone or by email
This type of harassment is becoming wide spread.
Children might be sent frightening SMS or e-mails.
While the sender might be known, these messages can be sent anonymously
which is very scary to children and their families.
Be careful who knows phone numbers and e-mail addresses.
If this is happening at school, notify the school principal or IT
manager.
Contact your phone and e-mail providers to see what can be done to
prevent calls.
Changing phone numbers and e-mail addresses may help.
Reminders
Let your child know that bullying is wrong.
Take your child's fears and feelings seriously.
Reassure your child that being bullied is not his fault, and that
something can be done about it.
Let your child know that he is not the only one who is bullied. It
happens to lots of children but it should be stopped.
Help your child as far as possible to work out his own ways of dealing
with the problem.
Protect your child - involve the school or club or wherever it is
happening. Don't give up until it stops.
Help your child to feel good about the other things in his life