sleeping for all ages
mummy~to~connor
concerns for parents. Many worry about whether they are doing the right
thing if their child doesn't sleep soundly all through the night. There
is no right way or place for parents to put babies and children to
sleep - patterns vary between different cultures and different
families. What matters is that bedtime is relaxed and comfortable and
that babies and children have comfort when they need it. If what you
are doing feels okay for you and your child, it is right for you. If
things aren't working well for you, some of the following information
may help.
How we sleep
There are two main kinds of sleep. One is light sleep. This is when we
dream and when we 'go over' the day's events and wake feeling
refreshed. It is also the kind of sleep where we wake more easily. With
infants this is the major part of sleep, but by adolescence it is only
about 20% of sleep.
The other kind is deep sleep where growing and healing take place. It
is much harder to wake people from this kind of sleep.
Each night we all go through sleep patterns where we go from light
sleep to deep sleep then light again. Babies, like adults, move through
these two types of sleep but the cycle for babies is shorter. Toddlers
usually take about an hour for each sleep pattern or cycle.
It is between the stages of light and deep sleep that as adults we may
pull up another blanket or roll over and then fade back into sleep
again and not necessarily remember that we have done this. For babies
and toddlers this may be where they cry and need help to resettle back
to sleep.
Where should babies sleep?
Part of our Australian society is to have separate bedrooms for
children away from parents, however sleeping alone for babies and young
children is not the only way and sometimes children find it hard to
sleep by themselves. In many cultures and families young children sleep
with or near parents, other children sleep wherever they are. What is
important is that your children's sleep is safe and that wherever they
sleep suits you and them.
How long do babies and children sleep?
Sleep is very individual and can vary a lot at any age. Children in one
family may have very different sleeping needs. Sometimes a child's
sleep pattern does not match parents' expectations. The best way to
work out how much sleep your baby or child needs is to keep a sleep
diary or chart. Mark when your baby or toddler is asleep and when she
is awake. Do it for at least two weeks. This way you can get an average
of how much sleep she needs each day (see example on the next page).
Remember that sleep needs change quickly as babies and children grow.
Settle/sleep chart
Start the chart from a time that suits you. Mark it for the 24 hour
day.
5.30
am 6.00
am 6.30
am 7.00
am 7.30
am ... pm
Sat
Sun
Mon
Tue
Wed
Thu
Fri
Mark:
Blank square - your baby was awake
Shaded square - you helped your baby to 'settle'
Filled square - your baby was asleep
Routines
Most of us have some kind of winding down routine before we go to
sleep. Routines can also help babies and children to relax and settle
into sleep. They generally find comfort and security in routines, eg a
bath, a quiet story, a song, a prayer and special goodnight kiss.
Routines can often help parents too in organising bedtimes and so
reduce tension and stress.
Controlled crying
Controlled crying or controlled comforting is one way that is sometimes
used to teach children not to cry at night. Some babies can become very
stressed by this. It is advisable not to use any method that stresses
or distresses babies and young children.
Night waking
For many parents just knowing that night waking is 'normal' in the
early years helps remove some of the stress. Each family needs to deal
with night waking in the way that best suits their family.
Often babies and children just need to know someone is near and they
will settle back to sleep.
It is important to meet your child's need for comfort in the way that
also gives you the best rest. Some parents like to have their baby
sleep in a cot next to them; others prefer their baby to sleep in a
separate room and put a day bed in there so they can lie down near an
unsettled baby.
Sometimes night waking can be due to pain such as ear-ache, a cold or
teething, so check this out if it occurs suddenly. With pain, your
child may not settle even if you are there to comfort, or may settle
for a short time and then re-wake.
Parents also need sleep and broken sleep can bring added stress in
family life. It is so important to find ways and support from others to
help 'get you through' when your sleep is reduced or broken.
Wrapping
Some babies settle better if they are wrapped in a light sheet, while
others do not. It can help small babies develop a more settled sleep
pattern and older unsettled babies may sleep better.
Wrapping helps to prevent arm movements that can disturb sleep.
Wrapping should be made from muslin or light cotton sheet and the baby
should be wrapped firmly. Bunny rugs and blankets are not safe and
babies should not be over-dressed - all these can cause over-heating.
The wrap should not cover your baby's face (see diagram).
Babies 0-3 months
How much sleep?
In the first few weeks, many babies sleep much of the day and night.
They have little idea of day or night and most wake regularly around
the clock every two or three hours needing a feed and attention. As a
guide, many babies sleep 14-20 hours a day in the first weeks and by
six weeks 25% of babies are sleeping a six hour stretch (not
necessarily at night).
By three months, many babies will have settled into a pattern of longer
times awake during the day, and longer sleep times (perhaps 4-5 hours)
at night. When a baby sleeps five hours straight this is considered
sleeping through the night.
Routines to get ready for sleep
At this age babies are often relaxed and sleepy after a feed. Some
develop a pattern of waking often and needing a feed to settle. Some
babies are helped by a daytime routine of a feed and then settling
after a small play, cuddle, talk and touch. Watch your baby's signals
for when he is alert and wanting to play and when he is sleepy.
Some young babies tend to be more wakeful in the evening or night
rather than during the day. It helps your baby learn about day and
night if you settle them at night in a quiet, dark place and don't play
with them or do anything that makes them more wakeful.
Even with young babies you can start a bedtime routine. You may sing a
little song, kiss goodnight, find the dummy (if he has one) and then
give a gentle kiss with some special soft words of love when you put
him down.
Settling
Put your baby on his back for sleep. Often a tired newborn will accept
being put into his crib while awake and fall asleep on his own. Some
new babies settle best in a quiet, dark place, others settle more
easily in noisier places. Some babies are harder to settle than others
and many need help to relax into sleep. Some things to try to settle
your baby:
have some constant noise such as humming, singing a little song,
relaxing music or household noise - many babies love the vibration
noise of the washing machine or dryer
wrap him in a thin cotton sheet
settle him in the crib and then pat him with a cupped hand. Start
patting quickly and then slow down as he calms, usually at about the
pace of your heartbeat
rock him in a pram, crib or your arms for a short period and then
settle him into bed (a baby should not be left to sleep unsupervised in
a pram)
push him in a pram back and forth over a bumpy surface such as the edge
between your carpet and tiles or over footpath bumps
check that he is not too hot or cold, and that clothing is not too
tight
a warm bath
offer another feed, (often called a 'top-up' feed)
allow him to suck on a dummy or thumb
use a baby sling so your baby is close and can hear your heart beat.
This may help him settle and allow you to do a few household tasks.
Night waking
In the first few months it is common for babies to wake regularly at
night for feeds at least two or three times.
Most babies of this age still require one or two night feeds.
By three months many are settled into a pattern of longer sleep times -
perhaps four to five hours at night.
Babies 3-6 months
How much sleep?
At this age some babies have two or three longish sleeps during the
day, while others just have short naps. A few may sleep 12 hours
without interruption at night; some manage 8 hours, while many others
wake fairly regularly for feeds. Most have learnt to sleep more at
night than they do during the day.
Routines to help get ready for sleep
Routines that are flexible and change to meet the needs of your baby
can help. Continue the routine you may have started from birth but
watch your baby for signs eg is she tired or does she want to play, and
try to respond to them.
Play time may be a walk, reading a book, time on the floor, shopping,
visiting friends, or a cuddle. These play times will help your baby
learn that daytime is time to be awake.
At night-time keep feed times boring, do not have play time and settle
your baby straight back to sleep.
Settling
It is important to use the same settling ideas each time you put your
baby to sleep, day or night, as this helps her to learn about sleep
more quickly. Many of the suggestions in the 0-3 months can be tried
along with:
reading a book with a soothing voice
darken the room to make a difference between wake time and sleep time
make a tape of household sounds and play it in your baby's room.
Night waking
Many babies still wake at night for feeds. Some sleep through although
they may wake again for a few nights when their appetite increases.
They usually settle again when their feeds increase during the day.
To help reduce night feeds at this age, a 'roll-over' feed may be tried
at about 10pm, or before you go to bed at night and before baby wakes
for her first feed. Disturb your baby as little as possible; lift her
without fully waking and breastfeed. If bottle feeding, you could give
a feed without picking her up from the cot, (but you still need to hold
the bottle and watch the feed to keep her safe).
The next time your baby wakes at night, try to resettle without a feed
using some of the settling ideas. Some cool water may help quench a
thirst (just as some adults like a drink of water at night).
If resettling does not work in about 15 minutes or so offer another
feed so that you can get some sleep, and try again the next night. Over
time your baby will gradually get the idea.
6 months - 3 years
How much sleep?
Some babies and toddlers can sleep through because they can last longer
between feeds and hunger does not wake them. Many still wake once or
twice, or several times at night. Many wake in the lighter time of
sleep, just as we wake (or almost wake). They may, as most adults do,
turn over and go back to sleep, or they may cry because they are
uncomfortable, afraid or unsettled in some other way. By six months
about 50% of babies are 'sleeping through the night' (ie sleeping about
5 hours or more). Between the ages of 2-3 years 41% of young children
wake once or twice a night, with a few still waking more often.
Routines to help get ready for sleep
During the day try a regular routine, eg three meals with some snacks
and one or two sleeps.
Try and separate feeding from sleeping by playing with your baby or
toddler after feeds and before he goes down to sleep. Watch for tired
signs to prevent becoming over tired.
Put your child into the cot awake and help him to go to sleep. Patting,
rocking and singing a mantra (a monotonous song with a few words) like
"bye bye baby, sleep tight baby" can help.
Settling
Keep to the regular routine that you have established, such as a bath,
quiet play, story, cuddles and song and/or prayer.
Put your child into the cot awake, (this will help him go to sleep
there).
Sing a little song (you may have made one up) or put on some relaxing
music.
Patting and rocking may still work at this age - a chair by the side of
the cot or bed may help look after your back. Some babies and toddlers
may get used to this and cry as soon as you stop, so change the timing
of the patting, slow it down and become softer, finally resting your
hand on his body.
Some will still feel more secure if they are wrapped in a thin cotton
sheet, others may not like it.
Settling for older toddlers
Try leaving a soft light on, giving a cuddly toy, giving him something
of yours to cuddle, eg an old T-shirt that has 'your smell' on it. Many
still like their dummy at bedtime.
Some children need you to stay near while they go to sleep. If you
decide to do this, don't sneak out without telling your child. This may
keep him tense and on edge in case you do it again. You can whisper
that you are going to another room and will be back soon. Make sure you
do return soon. If your child copes with this you can start taking a
bit longer before coming back, but make sure you always return before
he gets upset as this builds trust. Even if he has fallen asleep give
him a goodnight kiss and whisper "I came back".
When your child settles to bed, but needs you nearby this could become
your relaxation time. Take a book to read or a CD and sit in a
comfortable chair near your child (you are present but not doing
anything that might disturb your child). Over a few nights you could
gradually move your chair nearer to the door. Eventually you will be
able to put it outside the door so your child can hear you but not see
you. This way your child gradually learns to settle when you are not
there.
Night waking
Many children of this age wake at night and will grow out of it in
time.
If you and your baby are happy with the way things are, do not feel
pressured to change.
If you find your child is waking for a night feed, especially in the
first twelve months, try a feed without waking him at about 10pm, or
before you go to bed at night. This may help with a long sleep through
the night.
Your child may wake at night and cry due to:
being in a light phase of sleep so that something like a noise causes
him to wake fully
separation anxiety. This is a very common reason for children under
three years to cry at night. You can tell if your child is waking due
to separation anxiety because if you are nearby to reassure him, he
will settle back to sleep. (By eight or nine months of age, babies have
learned that their parents exist even if they can't see them and they
often get frightened when they wake and their parents aren't there.)
not knowing how to settle back to sleep. Sometimes babies and young
children who have always been fed, rocked or nursed to sleep find it
hard to settle back to sleep when they are in their own beds because
they haven't learned how to go to sleep on their own
pain such as ear-ache, a cold, or teething.
What parents can do
Put a day bed in your child's room and lie down near him so you both
get to sleep.
Put his bed in your room near you, or take him into your bed.
Make sure he gets plenty to eat during the day if he is breastfed, and
let your partner get up in the night for a few nights. If your baby
smells the milk it is hard to get him to settle without a feed and
babies can get into the habit of continuing feeds over 24 hours.
Children 3-6 years
How much sleep?
Many children of this age need about 10-12 hours sleep at night.
Bedtime may vary a lot. Some may go to bed at 6.30pm, while many go to
bed later, eg up to 9.30pm or later. Wake-up time may be early or late
and those who go to bed later tend to wake later. Young children may
still need a daytime sleep as well. By kindergarten age only a few
still have a daytime nap.
Routines to help get ready for sleep
To help 3-6 year olds prepare for the idea of going to bed familiar
routines will help.
Work out a routine around what is special for you and your child. A
typical routine may include a bath, drink, teeth cleaning, cuddle,
story, prayer or song and kiss 'goodnight'. It might be a quiet time to
sit on the bed and talk about the events of the day.
It is helpful to let children know in advance that bedtime is coming,
eg "just one more game and then it's time to get ready for bed" -
and mean what you say. This can prevent the pestering for more time to
stay up.
The half-hour before bed is not a good time for tickles, wrestles,
quarrels, TV or other excitement.
Settling
If you have a routine it will help to settle your child but events of
the day can sometimes mean that extra time and quiet attention is
needed, eg starting school, being unwell, family disruptions.
Reassuring words, a longer cuddle or relaxing music can help.
It is at these moments that older children may talk about things that
are bothering them.
Night waking
Night waking is common in these years and there is no 'right way' to
solve night waking. Sometimes doing whatever works for you as a family
is good enough. Some children can resettle themselves - others may
need comforting.
The inner confidence to feel secure when parents are not present is
still developing by three to four years of age. If night waking is
being caused by separation anxiety, it usually improves after four
years of age.
At times when children are sick, lonely, sad or frightened they need
help to go back to sleep.
The changes in your child's life, eg moving house, separations, family
tensions or starting preschool can be a factor.
What parents can do
Change some of the 'going to sleep' routines. Try settling your child
where he will be sleeping the night, so you don't have to move him.
During the night when he wakes, go to him and quietly reassure him that
everything is all right, say something like "Sleep time now - Mummy
and Daddy love you", then walk out of the room. This may need to be
repeated several times a night for a few days or weeks, but the idea is
to help children work out for themselves how to go back to sleep,
rather than needing your help.
If your child comes into your room when he wakes, lead him back to his
bed, and resettle him there.
Sometimes putting a spare bed in your child's room so that you can be
comfortable and can rest while your child needs you close is an option.
Some parents find that everyone gets a better night's sleep if they
allow the child to come into their own bed during the early hours of
the morning - or they have a small mattress and sleeping bag next to
their bed that their child can get into if he wakes.
Night-time waking is for comforting and resettling, not for getting out
of bed for play or anything else exciting. Be comforting but boring.
Don't respond to any games.
Think about the changes happening in your child's life that can cause
stress. They may seem minor ones to an adult, but major in the eyes of
a child.
As children grow older and become more secure they will not need to be
so close to you. Most children no longer need to share their parents'
bed or bedroom by the time they are four or five years old, unless
something stressful is happening in their lives.
If you are experiencing ongoing concerns it is important you discuss
this with a health professional.
Going to bed problems
Sometimes parents find it is hard to get young children to go to bed or
their waking early causes problems - and there are many different
reasons for this. In some cultures children sleep in or near the
action, and can nap whenever they feel tired - this is not a problem.
However parents are often tired at the end of the day and need time to
themselves, or need extra sleep in the morning - more than their child
does.
Some of the reasons a child may not want to go to bed may be:
having to go off on his own and leaving people or interesting things
that are happening in the house behind
being frightened of being left alone (no matter what time you put your
child to bed with fear or worry he will still be unhappy)
not being tired yet (probably will go to bed happily but later)
a very busy or exciting day, or too much excitement just before bed
being affected by daylight saving (just as with some adults)
lack of a night-time routine to help him wind down
going too early.
Note: children usually wake when they have had enough sleep so early
waking may be because of early bedtime.
Some things to try with older children
There are some things you can't control, eg sunrise, however there are
other things you can influence.
Make sure your child has a regular bedtime that gets later as she needs
less sleep.
Use a relaxing bedtime routine - without excitement and stimulation.
If your child is more attached to one parent it sometimes helps if that
parent spends calm and quiet time with the child before bedtime. Then
the other parent puts her to bed.
Play soft music or leave a quiet radio playing.
Leave the door open or shut - whichever your child wants.
Sometimes children will settle where the action is, and can be carried
to their own beds later. It may mean that your child may wake later and
will want you because she doesn't know where she is and will need you
to help her resettle. Children grow out of this.
If you decide that you want your child to go to bed a bit earlier and
you don't mind if she wakes earlier too, try putting her to bed a
quarter of an hour earlier. Sleep rhythms take some time to change so
you can expect to wait for about two weeks before you see any real
change in sleep behaviour. Then, if that works, you might try another
quarter of an hour. You can help to change early waking by putting your
child to bed later to see if that will help her sleep longer in the
morning.
Looking after yourself
Caring for babies and young children is tiring and demands a great deal
of tolerance, understanding and patience. When parents are feeling on
top of things it can still be taxing - it becomes much more difficult
when parents have adult worries or poor health. Little or broken sleep
makes people exhausted. When you are tired you are at your lowest ebb
and most parents will say that their need for sleep in the early years
is one of their greatest needs.
Don't be ashamed to ask for help from family and friends.
Get some rest during the day while your child is asleep or with someone
else.
Take a short break from parenting now and then.
Try to get some regular exercise.
If you feel desperate get help - from your partner, family, neighbours,
ring a friend, or phone the Parent Helpline.
If you feel that you might hurt your child make sure she is in a safe
place and then leave until you feel you have calmed down. Contact
someone immediately if you feel unable to manage.
Talking it over with a child health professional may benefit both you
and your baby. It can take courage to ask for help but it is important
for yourself, your baby and your family.