Z88.3 Playlist
Alyssa Dipiero
A couple of weeks after my mom passed away two friends took me on a tour through the Brevard Zoo, which was named the third best zoo in the nation last year. It was the perfect day, not too hot but actually started with a slight chill, so all the animals were happy and out and active, not hiding in the shade and conserving their energy because of the heat. Because of that, I was able to catch a lot of awesome videos. (You can see those in my V for Videos of Wildlife post.)
While going to Grief Share meetings, the discussions we had and the things people shared helped me a lot, especially when it came to certain thoughts that are extremely common that need to be altered.
None of us own our loved ones. Everything that we say is ours (our significant other, children, parents, pets) don't belong to us. They are on loan to us while we are here. If you're religious, then they're on loan to us from God.
If we don't own them, then they can't be taken from us. My mom was my mom here, for which I'll always be grateful that I was blessed to have her as my mom, but she's more than that beyond my life and beyond her life.
My first trip to Walmart after my mom passed away, I was picking up groceries and looking for a journal that I could use along with my Grief Share workbook because there's journal prompts. I thought a journal would be good to write through my grief process, and I didn't want to use the journal I already had, which didn't have many blank pages left anyway.
Instead of a regular blank journal, I ended up finding a "Wellness Journal." I chose this journal because of how I'd suffered from depression in the past, because of how I was beginning my grief journey and was aware that I'd need the extra help and that my wellness is a top priority.
While flipping through it, I saw pages where you could circle how you felt that day, keep track of how many minutes/hours you meditate and do physical activity, fill out acts of self-care, acts of kindness, lessons learned that day, gratitudes, and daily affirmations. You can also keep track of your screen time as well as check off whether or not you rested and relaxed, performed self-care, moved, and hydrated.
For me, that was going to the Brevard Zoo in Florida and gradually posting all of the pictures and videos I captured during my visit. It made me want to dedicate my social media to nature and wildlife because of how much happiness it brought me.
The first thing I did was put my mom's high school graduation ring and the ring she left me in her will (a golden ring with a garnet stone in it that belonged to my paternal grandmother, which was gifted to my mom) on a necklace so I could have them with me day and night, everywhere I went, over my heart.
While going through my mom's things, I came across a pair of earrings I had bought her in November 2022. They were a cheap pair from Claire's online. She had wanted cute, small earrings she could start wearing. Before all of the PET scans, MRIs, X-rays, and CT scans, she wore earrings daily, but countless scans forced her to take them out and forget about putting them back in.
She wanted to reacquaint her ears to earrings, so I bought her Leo horoscope earrings. She wore them once before misplacing them. We thought they were in her room somewhere and couldn't find them. We even thought they had fallen on the floor somehow.
I've listened to the Christian Music Radio Station Z88.3 FM for many years now. I like the uplifting music they play, and I know people who don't even identify as Christian who use this station as a primary source for listening when they're in their car. That's how awesome the music is.
Anyway, at a Grief Share meeting, the hosts like to play a song to start each session. They've played songs I knew, and songs that were newer, such as the one below. I had heard it maybe once or twice before, but I hadn't paid attention to the lyrics. I did this time, also thanks to captions. And damn! Tauren Wells is an amazing singer. So incredibly talented, and his song "Joy in the Morning," is full of hope and joy and power. It's impossible not to sing it.
After I heard it at the meeting, I shared it on Facebook. Then, days later, when I had to drive past the hospital where my mom passed away, I was holding back tears. A minute or two after I drove past the hospital, this song came on, and I truly felt like it was a sign, a gift. I thanked my mom for sending it to me right in the exact moment I needed it.
Sammy the Teddy Bear is the physical manifestation of Sammy the Teddy Bear in my mom's children's books A Gregory Green Adventure Series. I bought him for my mom in 2017 to have fun with my mom and to promote her children's books.
The day my mom passed away, I started to get rid of all her medical supplies. Yes, I was sobbing while removing the blood pressure cuff, forehead thermometer, pulse oximeter, bathroom scale, and bedside commode from her bedroom, but there was a sense of urgency inside me. I HAD to get rid of the damn medical supplies that filled up her room the least year of her life. Over the next few days, I removed the labels from her medications and brought them to a prescription drop-off at CVS and took out the equipment from her bathroom. Doing those things wasn't easy, but it was necessary.
Side Note: If you're keeping track, I was writing in a family keepsake journal, memory journal about my mom, grief journal, and even had a prayer prompt journal. That's four different journals.
I had introduced my mom to the YouTube and Spotify apps on her TV in 2020. She spent a lot of time saving songs and playlists she had found and enjoyed to her Spotify account, as well as videos to her YouTube account.
April 8th, one month and three days after my mom passed away, I found a journal my mom was using to write down her life's memories. I had been looking for a keepsake journal that I knew she had, but I never found it. She must've gotten rid of it because she didn't care for the prompts but rather wanted to write whatever came to her mind instead.
The week after my mom passed away, I went to Erna Nixon Park, a nature park with a nice, boarded pathway. I walked it with my dad and stepmom as a distraction, to get out of the house, and to be in nature.
Before I left, I sat down on a bench in a little tree nook and spoke out loud to my mom. I don't remember what I said. Maybe I apologized for my what I regretted and felt guilty about, as I had times before then and times after that. I might've just told her I loved her and missed her. Or I did a combination of all of that. Either way, what I said wasn't really important. What was important was that I spoke to her because I needed that.
Miracle Moments are those times after someone passes away, when in the midst of your grief, something happens to bring you peace or happiness or calm, that can make you feel connected to your loved one and give you hope, and even make guilt and regret vanish.
Since my mom had passed away, I'd been stepping into her room occasionally to clear out the medical supplies and to find things that my mom wanted to leave to my siblings. Each time I went in there, I couldn't find my mom's Bible, which was odd, because it had been in the same place for months--close to her recliner, beneath her childhood vanity. But every time I looked for it there, I couldn't see it.
I started a full-time job in June, three months after my mom passed away. Before then, I was a stay-at-home writer, fully disabled under the law. However, living on my own required me to get a job in order to survive.
I applied to more jobs than I can tell you and interviewed for a few that ended up not being right for my needs. The job I landed was actually advertised in a local Facebook group my sister is a member of. She sent me the post. I contacted the person who advertised the job, got an interview with the owner, vice president and general manager, and got confirmation two hours later that the job was mine.
Although I will not say where I work for obvious Internet safety reasons, I will say that I am in an administrative role. I really like my job. It's easy, but there's still challenges to keep it from being boring. At the same time, there's lulls where I get to write.
Our sense of smell is powerful. We can catch the whiff of something and be brought back to a time when we were children. We can pass by a stranger in a store, catch the scent they are wearing and recall our mom or dad or teacher or [fill-in-the-blank] using that same scent.
Grief Share are meetings you can attend with other grieving individuals that are typically held at churches. The lessons and the workbook are Christian-related, but even people who aren't Christian can benefit from being around and talking to other people who understand, in some way, what you're feeling and going through. And if you're not Christian, you can just ignore what doesn't work for you or your faith.
During a 2-month break when the session ended, I used GriefShare.org/my to access the weeks I'd missed so I'd continue to have a lifeline during that 2-month break, which I badly needed considering my grief was fresh (just a month old).
Sharing my grief and my grief journey on Facebook helped me a lot, especially in the beginning. I didn't think I'd want to share something so personal, but I felt called to because I was lonely and also because I knew others could relate. I'm glad that I shared these things; the responses and love I received made me feel less alone...for a moment. Having a community really matters.
It's me. I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know I'm OK. The strangest part about my passing is I don't feel gone from you and I am working to let you know that I am still there with you. I do hear you talk to me and I'm just trying to get you to feel my presence. I am sending you signs, as many as I can, so please be patient if they don't come when you want them to, I promise they will come when you need to know I'm there.
I need you to understand that feelings like guilt, anger, regret, and immense sadness sometimes builds a barrier between us. I understand your grief and I wish I could help you to feel better but please understand that grief is a natural part of my passing for you and I honor how you grieve. However, I would love for you to try harder to replace your grief, little by little, with all the happy memories of our times together.
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