Manipulation

[White Sophia]

I have been chewing over this topic for some time, trying to understand the depth and breadth of the question 'what is manipulative behaviour'? The reason is that we have to protect ourselves against manipulators, since they inevitably break our moral Law, and usually criminal law too.

The simplest answer I could come up with to this question is:

Friendship is where another behaves in your best interest, whereas manipulation is where they behave only in their own best interests.
For the manipulator, the closer they can appear to being your friend, the more effective they can be.
Manipulation is about *control* - getting you to behave the way they want you to.

Here is an example:
Bob wants a chocolate bar, but doesn't want to go down the street to get it. So, Bob goes to his friend Jimmy and says to him, do you feel like a chocolate bar?', fully expecting him to say yes. Bob says, 'hey great, me too - here's $5, why don't you go down the street and get one?'

How is this contradictory to the Path's approach? Firstly, it is one of our mantras to always try mundane means first. Bob is fully capable of going and getting himself a chocolate bar, but when he doesn't want to, he looks for someone else to do his dirty work. It is also in our Law to treat all with respect, and Bob is being selfish and disrespectful by asking Jimmy to do this.

Secondly, the person Bob chooses to ask is his friend, someone who will want to help out. Manipulators have to try to predict other people's reactions to the situations that they set up - in this case, planting the idea in Jimmy's mind that it would be nice to have a chocolate bar. The alternative would be to just ask outright - openly and honestly - if Jimmy wants a chocolate bar, and could he go and get it.

Finally, by giving Jimmy the means to do what he wants (ie the money) and by asking a loaded question - 'why don't you go and get it' - he is placing the sense of obligation onto his friend, making it very difficult for him to say no. He does not give Jimmy a chance to say 'well, I'm busy at the moment', or 'no thanks' - to speak his own truth. He cuts him off by playing on their friendship.

This is a simple, fairly harmless scenario that symbolises how people can get you to do what they want, and keep their own motives hidden. This has the huge potential for harm, because they are putting the onus on you to carry out tasks that they don't want to do themselves, meaning that you could end up taking the blame or being harmed in the process.

People in the Path feel a fundamental sense of duty to help other people selflessly - that is why they are drawn to us in the first place. In the above scenario, 99% of us would say, 'ok, sure', and drop whatever we're doing at the time to help Bob. So how do we avoid manipulation?

The first thing we have to do is to question, question, question!!! We have to trust our gut instinct when something feels wrong, and just double-check the information we're receiving. Any Path member is able to openly answer any questions you may have, or tell you why they can't make that information available. This is transparency. In addition, we can look at our own reactions to a situation - for instance, if Jimmy stops to think about it before saying yes, he might realise that in fact he doesn't want a chocolate bar, or that he has other important things he has to get done, and if Bob wants one, he should go and get it himself.

Manipulators also try to isolate their victims from other people. They say things like "don't tell ...." or "don't speak to .... about it". This is because manipulation requires lies, whether outright untruths or subtle manipulation of the truth. The more people involved, the more elaborate the lying that is required, and so reducing the numbers of people involved makes the lies easier to keep. It also creates a sense of intrigue - people like to think that there are conspiracies going on. Usually the truth is far more ordinary than that. Open communication is the best antidote to manipulation.

Lastly, another clue is that manipulators often make their own credentials seem exceedingly good and reliable. They tend to exaggerate their own abilities and achievements, and make themselves seem very trustworthy and dependable. The only way to counteract this is to look for proof. Can they do what they say they can? Are they as qualified as they say they are? Are those skills even relevant to the conversation? And is there any history of things being different to what they say - what has happened previously that they may be trying to hide? Besides, sometimes a questioner can be more insightful in a given situation than an elder, because we all have different perspectives, and one perspective is not better or more important than another. Qualifications do not a wise person make.

This is a big problem in the craft, because above all, working together in any shape or form requires trust. And to be able to trust, we have to know the truth. In the Path, in in life in general, we have a big responsibility towards the care of others, one that we take extremely seriously, and so we must identify manipulative behaviour before it causes harm.

I'm sure you've all had similar experiences, your insights (rather than specific situations) would be welcome.
Walk in the Light
White Sophia

[Badger]

The most insidious thing that these people do and paradoxically the
easiest way to find them out is the same thing.

The first thing any abuser will do is to isolate their victim from
anyone who might expose the lie.

Any person who forbids someone to talk to another has something to
hide. It can be phrased an all sorts of inoocuous ways but it is
never right.

Of course another way of seeing such people as what they are is to
examine their own degree of trust, such people are all for asking for
trust and even appearing to give it but will often hide the truth of
their past or their occupation or in at least one case I know of their
real name, choosing to instead go by an alias ( not an obvious
nickname suich as might be sensible ont eh internet, but something
chosen to appear to be a mundane name but which is not their own.
They will tell the people they ntend to manipulate what they want to
hear but rarely the truth.

Walk in the Light

Badger