AVENues Issue #11
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Carolyn Lamb
Jan 5, 2008, 12:38:41 PM1/5/08
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AVENues Issue #11 - Saturday, January 5, 2007 (text version posted to the AVENues Google group / RSS January 5, 2007)
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/avenues/2008_01_05.pdf
--
Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A monthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to further showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
--
Contents:
1. Letter Box
2. News from November and December
3. "Why I'm Not Single: Deconstructing Facebook"
4. From the Forum
5. "Confessions ofa Purple Superhero"
6. Featured AVENite: "Coleslaw"
7. "Anerotica"
The PDF version of this issue of AVENues also contains art which is not available in text-only form.
--
Letter Box
Last issue, we asked for letters, and thanks to you, we got them! Some of the letters we got are printed here.
We're still looking for letters in every issue! Does something published here make you nod in agreement, pound your desk in disagreement, or scratch your head in sheer confusion? Tell us about it at newsl...@asexuality.org.
Why read AVENues? ...because I like it! I like reading articles about things that interest me. Asexuality obviously interests me since I'm asexual, but also I'm interested in reading the articles, posts, input, etc from others that're a different shade of asexual (or sexual for that matter) than me. I like reading different people's POVs and standpoints and experiences. It's something interesting, something I look forward to when each new issue comes out. Sure I could get similar experiences from reading posts on the forum, but AVENues offers articles that are much longer, more detailed, and much easier to read and make connections between various opinions (rather than reading a list of reply posts, which my short-term memory tends to make me start skimming, and I lose some of the content).
Plus it lets me keep my cherished hope alive that someday I'll get my name in there.
- Chey
First issue of AVENues I've read. I thought it was great, but want to mention one thing: many of us are coming into this knowledge of ourselves when we're older – let's say anywhere from 40-70 (who knows, maybe even older!). The artwork in the issue I just read portrays young A's, anywhere from 13 to maybe 25. When I see only very young people portrayed, it kind of detracts from my feeling that this newsletter is for me. I am a regular poster on the Older Asexuals forum, and there are a lot of us. Perhaps we could be represented visually in the newsletter also?
- Sally
(Editor's Note: After we got this letter, we went looking for art featuring older asexuals. We haven't found any yet, but we haven't given up. If you know of some art with older people in it that would work for AVENues, why not send it to newsl...@asexuality.org?)
Why do I read AVENues? I don't have the time or energy to surf the forums, so it gives me something concrete and simple to read. I know it doesn't summarize all that is happening on the forums, but it does give me things to think about. But I'm also looking for information, new Web sites for dating, new activities, info about what's happening to the community at a large level. And getting it always reminds me to check my AVEN account, to think about trying to get us SoCal AVENites together, to think about my identity and sexuality.
-Marina
AVEN Meeting in Cologne
Best regards from AVEN Germany. We thought it would be nice to share some information on AVEN in Europe/Germany. For instance, on Sept. 1 we had a German-wide meeting in Cologne.
Seventeen AVENites came to Cologne to get to know each other and to exchange their experiences. We organized a sightseeing tour through Cologne, saw the nice Cologne cathedral and the downtown area along the Rhine river, had brunch and dinner together - and of course, we had lots of fun.
We established these Germanwide meetings every half year in order to allow close friendships to develop. These gatherings take place in addition to our regional meetings in different cities. For instance, in Cologne we have a regular get-together on the second Sunday of every month and, of course, all of you are invited to visit us when you might travel to Cologne!
- Fischerin, Betula, and Christoph: organizing team of the Cologne meeting
Sailor Moon: Age and Orientation
I wonder how many AVENues readers have seen "Sailor Moon". If you have, then you are familiar with the anime about girls in sailor outfits who fight evil with super powers. Two of the sailor warriors stand out to me. One is Hotaru Tomoe, or Sailor Saturn, the warrior of destruction and rebirth. The other is ChibiUsa, her best friend, or Sailor Chibi Moon.
Unlike most of the warriors, Hotaru was never boy crazy or fawning over crushes. Though I feel that she is sexual, some people think that she is just too young for crushes just because she is 12 or 13. But I disagree.
For example, Hotaru's friend, Chibi-Usa, is about 7, (which in my opinion is too young to be concerned with ro-mance) and she has had many roman-tic encounters.
Examples are her deep relationship with Helios (a boy who looked way too old for her), and there was even an episode where a 6th grade soccer player was hitting on her (which I found kind of disturbing). And at other times, she has wanted to be friends with boys just because she thought they were cute.
Orientation is an intrinsic part of someone regardless of age or maturity. That is my two cents.
- schiar88
--
News from November and December
The AVEN forums' software is about to get a serious workover, either upgraded to phpBB3 or changed to Invision. You can go to the forums and weigh in if you have a preference. Either way, no forum content will be lost, but a lot of existing bugs will be fixed.
Meanwhile, the role of AVEN's Project Team has been called into question again. Should Project Team moderators have the same privileges and duties as normal moderators, or are they a different thing entirely? You can weigh in on this in the forums as well.
We've reinstated our "Post of the Week" feature on the AVEN Web site. Every week, there'll be a new short quote from the AVEN forums on the main AVEN page. "Asexual Perspec-tives" is also up and running again, thanks to ghosts and Coleslaw, our new static content managers.
We're also collecting form letters to send to organizations like Myspace asking them to make "asexual" an option under "orientation."
There are still more opportunities for asexuals to make themselves visible this season: people looking for inter-views and discussion with asexuals in-clude a freelance writer in the UK, a discussion panel in Washington DC, a graduate student in Alberta doing re-search on the social construction of friendship, and a college journalist in New York. The AVENites chlirissa and ghosts are also looking for sub-missions to asexuality-related zines.
There's a new asexual dating site in the UK: www.platonicpartners.co.uk. We're also discussing whether to add a personals forum to AVEN itself after the upgrade.
--
Why I'm not single:
Deconstructing Facebook
by BIRDNERD
I'll get us off on the right foot by beginning with a bland and facile observation: Facebook offers a write-in option for the "Religious views" field on user profiles and a drop-down menu for "Relationship status."
Perhaps ironically, I would get along just fine with a ready-made option for the former, while it's the latter that requires a lengthy explanation. Admittedly, I've been told that there is now a third-party application that will allow for this, but I've never been over-fond of Facebook apps, and I'm using Facebook here primarily as a means of getting at a larger issue.
In any case, I'm empirically what the drop-down menu would call "single." But there's a problem here. It's the way Facebook then likes to announce to friends, acquaintances, and strangers that "So-and-so is listed as single" – on the market, as it were. Being single, no matter how complacent or content one may be in this condition, always points to the other polarity: to be single is not to be "in a relationship." To be single is to define oneself by a negative.
Granted, it's always tempting to select "It's complicated" from the drop-down menu instead (and you'd better believe that I'm going to hash out just how complicated it is), but Facebook inscrutably interprets this to mean that "so-and-so is in a complicated relationship," when what I'm actually in is a complicated semantic predicament. What are the romantically disinclined to do?
As a result of the privileged status we give to romantic love, "single" has come to imply "seeking a relationship." It's rare that people describe themselves as single with every intention of remaining that way in the long haul and while regarding such a fate as a positive one. "Singles bars" and "singles groups" exist for the sole purpose of remedying this condition and pairing people off. It's a transitory state, a dingy but conveniently located roadside motel between one relationship and another.
Then there are the connotations of the word itself. Single – alone, solitary, unattached, the granola bar that falls out of the box bearing the words "Not labeled for individual sale" in place of a bar code. By denoting a lack, a deficiency, or an absence, the word points back toward a fuller presence, implying that one is isolated and living a less-than-full life without some sort of pair-bonding relationship. We never consider ourselves single-or-not with regard to the number or depth of our attachments to family members and friends; for some reason, these simply don't compute, and they become too easy to slough off as negligible as we try to fit ourselves into the simple binary opposition.
The flaw in the single/in-a-relationship binary is even more deeply rooted, though – in our nearly unconscious narrowing of the word "relationship" to describe a long-term romantic – often sexual – coupling. In spoken language, the word is usually pronounced with a smug reverence roughly equivalent to a capital R – so that if one really wants to, one can distinguish (with some difficulty) between a Relationship and a relationship, but I defy you to bring up your lower case "relationship" with a neighbor or a professor in conversation without raising a great many eyebrows.
Social convention and Facebook's source code do offer a solution of sorts, however: I've left my "Relationship status" blank. As a result, it does not appear on my profile. This seemingly insignificant detail points to the logical impasse that aromantic asexuality creates in the language we have established to describe our manner of pair bonding (or not). As the binary opposition stands at present, my "relationship status" remains a gap, a blankness, a placeholder for something that we have not yet developed a vocabulary or a set of social codes to explain.
--
From the Forum
A selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN Web site
One of my good friends likes to poke fun at my asexuality. It is never in any sort of hurtful way, and I kind of enjoy the teasing. Anyway, today we were talking about my writing and I said that I didn't know what should come next in a story I'm working on. He asked what it was about, so I told him, and he gave this long and complicated idea, that ended with a man and a woman meeting each other and "having hot, passionate... hand-holding."
- raleighwhittierhayes, Wednesday October 31, "Just a funny story" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
As I've said elsewhere, if my wife and I knew what we know now about the consequences of our sexual incompatibility, we would have run a mile before getting involved with each other. And I would have missed out on 18 fantastic years (and counting), the fulfillment of so many shared dreams, and the greatest love of my life (as well as some pain I could do without, but who doesn't have that from time to time). Who knows what I would have got instead? Sex ain't everything.
- Olivier, Friday November 16, "Comparative validity of reasons for not wanting to have sex" in For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies
I think that sexuality has appropriated so many things, from the naked body to exploring that body unashamed to walking at sunset while holding hands with your love. But I don't think that any situation is inherently sexual or foreplay to sexuality. I don't work well with sexual contact but I'm all for affection, physical closeness and intimacy, so I could do the very same things that sexuals do but do them for different reasons, get different meanings and make it deep a whole different way.
- vanilla black tea, Sunday November 18, "the body doesn't have to be sexualized" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
I've read most of the [scientific reports] about human asexuality in the wiki article: Bogaert's publications, Storms, Prause & Graham (through the Kinsey Institute), and Johnson (in Gochros). They are all good solid support for an asexual orientation or designation, though it'd certainly be nice to see more out there.
Johnson and Storms are really exciting, because being from 1977 and 1980 they far predate AVEN. Storms even came up with an orientation graph starting at "asexual" with rays to "heterosexual" and "homosexual," which looks startlingly like the AVEN triangle turned on one side. That was pre-DJ!
- spinneret, Thursday November 29, "Where's the Research?" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
AVEN posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
--
Confessions of a Purple Superhero
by SAM B.I.
I have a superpower. I've had it all my life. Like many other superheroes I didn't realise at first that I had this power and even once I became aware of it, I didn't know how to use it or what it was capable of. Over time, I have learnt where its value lies.
Before you accuse me of having an overlarge ego, let me explain myself. The superpower is a real life super-power, not something out of a comic book. It's bound to everyday exis-tence and at first glance might not seem all that amazing. But don't let that first glance fool you – look a little deeper.
Asexuality is a superpower. I doubt that it will ever be instrumental in sa-ving the world from destruction but it is helpful on a humbler scale. At its simplest it is a justification for not choosing the well-trodden path. So-ciety can sometimes exert tremen-dous pressure on an individual to conform. Just think about what peo-ple do to themselves to be beautiful: they wax, nip, tuck, botox and starve themselves – just to fit in.
Parents, friends, religious groups and media all contribute. There are un-spoken expectations to form relation-ships, get married and have children – pre-packaged futures. It is, after all, commonly known that it is impossi-ble to be happy and single. If you re-fuse to play along, you're the one who gets labeled as abnormal. I em-brace my abnormality – so bite me.
When you try to be something you are not (sexual, in other words), life loses its delight. Many asexuals try this regardless and work very hard to fit in. It never works. Deep down they know that it is not what they want. This leads some to say that asexuality is limiting.
I contest that. I say they don't know what they are talking about. Sure, all the usual options are gone or, at the least, unrealistic, but I have never wanted a pre-packaged life complete with its pre-packaged sexuality. When you move beyond that, every-thing becomes uncertain. Uncertainty usually has negative connotations but those are given to it by the self-same society that says getting married and having children is the only future worth pursuing. I don't think I believe them anymore.
At its best, your asexuality gives you incredible freedom. Once you know what you are and what you are wil-ling to give, your future becomes anything but limited. You could find a significant other or, perhaps, signi-ficant others (yes, I am referring to the polyamory discussions that spo-radically appear on AVEN). You could get married or not, instead creating a new type of relationship. You could make a family but that family doesn't have to fall inside the boundaries dictated by social norms.
I do not know where my superpower will lead me or what an asexual rela-tionship is supposed to look like, but that's a good thing. I can explore and find my own way in my own sweet time. Where is your sense of adven-ture? Sprinkle it on your boots and put on your purple cape. Let's go see what we can find.
--
Featured AVENite: "Coleslaw"
A personage from the forums that you'd like to get to know better
Name: Cole
Age: 19
Location: Split between San Francisco and Vancouver.
Preferred Label(s): Asexual
Bio: Well, hi, I'm Cole! I'm a 19-year-old university student and part-time jack-of-all-trades. I'm a science geek with green glasses, blue striped rain boots and a pretty serious obsession with crazy-colourful socks. Three random facts about me would be that 1) I love all forms of bad weather, and am particularly awed by hurricanes, 2) I sing in the shower, and 3) I am a sucker for the Home and Garden channel and will watch home improvement shows till I drop dead, if given the opportunity. On AVEN, I'm a Project Team moderator and a year-long member who's actively involved in making meet-ups happen and sorting out tech issues. I like helping out in any way I can, so if ever you need something, just ask!
How she came to AVEN: I was struggling with my sexual identity all through high school, and it had a really deep and negative effect on me. I saw a therapist, who was the first person to suggest I may just lack a sex drive. What he saw as a problem became my solution; I hit up Wikipedia and Google and found AVEN, then six months after that, I joined.
The most important thing about AVEN: To me, the most important thing about AVEN is the community. When I had no one left to turn to, I was able to join AVEN and immediately be surrounded with support and understanding. I will never forget that feeling. In regards to asexual visibility, knowledge about asexuality is what matters. Only once people know about asexuality can they come to accept the idea that some people can lack sexual desire and still live complete and happy lives. From there, anything can happen.
What she'd say to a newcomer: Well, I'd say hello, of course! Ha ha, but seriously now, if I could tell every newcomer one thing and one thing only, it would be to not worry about what other people may say or think, because you are not other people. Be comfortable and happy as you, because this is your life, not theirs. Regardless of what you choose to identify as, you won't be alone, so just worry about what makes you happy, and the rest will work itself out.
Other thoughts: Nothing else but thank you, AVEN, for everything you've given me, and I hope I can continue to give back as much as I have gained, if not more.
--
Anerotica
by RAISIN
To me, you're a canvas,
An endless white expanse of what-could-be.
And when you're blank,
When you're stripped, when you're exposed,
You're absolutely beautiful
Because you represent the possibility
To remake, reinvent, relive.
You want something more.
I see your body, feel it
Pulse and quiver
But I only put my hands on you
To mold, shape, create.
To me, you're a canvas,
An intellectual looking-glass,
An opportunity for me
To speak, think, reflect
Everything I feel in my heart
Into yours.
Like a sculptor to the marble,
I see the statue within,
New and naked and full of hope.
But you don't understand.
You still quiver; You want
To touch, writhe, explode.
I am the blind artist,
The dreamer with a heart of stone,
Unmoved by the physical, the now;
Enraptured by the invisible, the potential.
You burst into a handful of shivering stars,
And I sprinkle you behind me as I go.
Another monument to those who didn't understand.
--
Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere. AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demi-sexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is a list of what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1500 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of the AVEN forums: If you're hanging out online and see a post that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition, tell us about it!
Reader responses: It only takes a few seconds to send us your take on the latest Food For Thought question, and if you have anything else to say to us, we love getting letters!
Art and photography: We normally use photos from AVEN meetups, but anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including.
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give AVENues' inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days.
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/avenues/2008_01_05.pdf
--
Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A monthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to further showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
--
Contents:
1. Letter Box
2. News from November and December
3. "Why I'm Not Single: Deconstructing Facebook"
4. From the Forum
5. "Confessions ofa Purple Superhero"
6. Featured AVENite: "Coleslaw"
7. "Anerotica"
The PDF version of this issue of AVENues also contains art which is not available in text-only form.
--
Letter Box
Last issue, we asked for letters, and thanks to you, we got them! Some of the letters we got are printed here.
We're still looking for letters in every issue! Does something published here make you nod in agreement, pound your desk in disagreement, or scratch your head in sheer confusion? Tell us about it at newsl...@asexuality.org.
Why read AVENues? ...because I like it! I like reading articles about things that interest me. Asexuality obviously interests me since I'm asexual, but also I'm interested in reading the articles, posts, input, etc from others that're a different shade of asexual (or sexual for that matter) than me. I like reading different people's POVs and standpoints and experiences. It's something interesting, something I look forward to when each new issue comes out. Sure I could get similar experiences from reading posts on the forum, but AVENues offers articles that are much longer, more detailed, and much easier to read and make connections between various opinions (rather than reading a list of reply posts, which my short-term memory tends to make me start skimming, and I lose some of the content).
Plus it lets me keep my cherished hope alive that someday I'll get my name in there.
- Chey
First issue of AVENues I've read. I thought it was great, but want to mention one thing: many of us are coming into this knowledge of ourselves when we're older – let's say anywhere from 40-70 (who knows, maybe even older!). The artwork in the issue I just read portrays young A's, anywhere from 13 to maybe 25. When I see only very young people portrayed, it kind of detracts from my feeling that this newsletter is for me. I am a regular poster on the Older Asexuals forum, and there are a lot of us. Perhaps we could be represented visually in the newsletter also?
- Sally
(Editor's Note: After we got this letter, we went looking for art featuring older asexuals. We haven't found any yet, but we haven't given up. If you know of some art with older people in it that would work for AVENues, why not send it to newsl...@asexuality.org?)
Why do I read AVENues? I don't have the time or energy to surf the forums, so it gives me something concrete and simple to read. I know it doesn't summarize all that is happening on the forums, but it does give me things to think about. But I'm also looking for information, new Web sites for dating, new activities, info about what's happening to the community at a large level. And getting it always reminds me to check my AVEN account, to think about trying to get us SoCal AVENites together, to think about my identity and sexuality.
-Marina
AVEN Meeting in Cologne
Best regards from AVEN Germany. We thought it would be nice to share some information on AVEN in Europe/Germany. For instance, on Sept. 1 we had a German-wide meeting in Cologne.
Seventeen AVENites came to Cologne to get to know each other and to exchange their experiences. We organized a sightseeing tour through Cologne, saw the nice Cologne cathedral and the downtown area along the Rhine river, had brunch and dinner together - and of course, we had lots of fun.
We established these Germanwide meetings every half year in order to allow close friendships to develop. These gatherings take place in addition to our regional meetings in different cities. For instance, in Cologne we have a regular get-together on the second Sunday of every month and, of course, all of you are invited to visit us when you might travel to Cologne!
- Fischerin, Betula, and Christoph: organizing team of the Cologne meeting
Sailor Moon: Age and Orientation
I wonder how many AVENues readers have seen "Sailor Moon". If you have, then you are familiar with the anime about girls in sailor outfits who fight evil with super powers. Two of the sailor warriors stand out to me. One is Hotaru Tomoe, or Sailor Saturn, the warrior of destruction and rebirth. The other is ChibiUsa, her best friend, or Sailor Chibi Moon.
Unlike most of the warriors, Hotaru was never boy crazy or fawning over crushes. Though I feel that she is sexual, some people think that she is just too young for crushes just because she is 12 or 13. But I disagree.
For example, Hotaru's friend, Chibi-Usa, is about 7, (which in my opinion is too young to be concerned with ro-mance) and she has had many roman-tic encounters.
Examples are her deep relationship with Helios (a boy who looked way too old for her), and there was even an episode where a 6th grade soccer player was hitting on her (which I found kind of disturbing). And at other times, she has wanted to be friends with boys just because she thought they were cute.
Orientation is an intrinsic part of someone regardless of age or maturity. That is my two cents.
- schiar88
--
News from November and December
The AVEN forums' software is about to get a serious workover, either upgraded to phpBB3 or changed to Invision. You can go to the forums and weigh in if you have a preference. Either way, no forum content will be lost, but a lot of existing bugs will be fixed.
Meanwhile, the role of AVEN's Project Team has been called into question again. Should Project Team moderators have the same privileges and duties as normal moderators, or are they a different thing entirely? You can weigh in on this in the forums as well.
We've reinstated our "Post of the Week" feature on the AVEN Web site. Every week, there'll be a new short quote from the AVEN forums on the main AVEN page. "Asexual Perspec-tives" is also up and running again, thanks to ghosts and Coleslaw, our new static content managers.
We're also collecting form letters to send to organizations like Myspace asking them to make "asexual" an option under "orientation."
There are still more opportunities for asexuals to make themselves visible this season: people looking for inter-views and discussion with asexuals in-clude a freelance writer in the UK, a discussion panel in Washington DC, a graduate student in Alberta doing re-search on the social construction of friendship, and a college journalist in New York. The AVENites chlirissa and ghosts are also looking for sub-missions to asexuality-related zines.
There's a new asexual dating site in the UK: www.platonicpartners.co.uk. We're also discussing whether to add a personals forum to AVEN itself after the upgrade.
--
Why I'm not single:
Deconstructing Facebook
by BIRDNERD
I'll get us off on the right foot by beginning with a bland and facile observation: Facebook offers a write-in option for the "Religious views" field on user profiles and a drop-down menu for "Relationship status."
Perhaps ironically, I would get along just fine with a ready-made option for the former, while it's the latter that requires a lengthy explanation. Admittedly, I've been told that there is now a third-party application that will allow for this, but I've never been over-fond of Facebook apps, and I'm using Facebook here primarily as a means of getting at a larger issue.
In any case, I'm empirically what the drop-down menu would call "single." But there's a problem here. It's the way Facebook then likes to announce to friends, acquaintances, and strangers that "So-and-so is listed as single" – on the market, as it were. Being single, no matter how complacent or content one may be in this condition, always points to the other polarity: to be single is not to be "in a relationship." To be single is to define oneself by a negative.
Granted, it's always tempting to select "It's complicated" from the drop-down menu instead (and you'd better believe that I'm going to hash out just how complicated it is), but Facebook inscrutably interprets this to mean that "so-and-so is in a complicated relationship," when what I'm actually in is a complicated semantic predicament. What are the romantically disinclined to do?
As a result of the privileged status we give to romantic love, "single" has come to imply "seeking a relationship." It's rare that people describe themselves as single with every intention of remaining that way in the long haul and while regarding such a fate as a positive one. "Singles bars" and "singles groups" exist for the sole purpose of remedying this condition and pairing people off. It's a transitory state, a dingy but conveniently located roadside motel between one relationship and another.
Then there are the connotations of the word itself. Single – alone, solitary, unattached, the granola bar that falls out of the box bearing the words "Not labeled for individual sale" in place of a bar code. By denoting a lack, a deficiency, or an absence, the word points back toward a fuller presence, implying that one is isolated and living a less-than-full life without some sort of pair-bonding relationship. We never consider ourselves single-or-not with regard to the number or depth of our attachments to family members and friends; for some reason, these simply don't compute, and they become too easy to slough off as negligible as we try to fit ourselves into the simple binary opposition.
The flaw in the single/in-a-relationship binary is even more deeply rooted, though – in our nearly unconscious narrowing of the word "relationship" to describe a long-term romantic – often sexual – coupling. In spoken language, the word is usually pronounced with a smug reverence roughly equivalent to a capital R – so that if one really wants to, one can distinguish (with some difficulty) between a Relationship and a relationship, but I defy you to bring up your lower case "relationship" with a neighbor or a professor in conversation without raising a great many eyebrows.
Social convention and Facebook's source code do offer a solution of sorts, however: I've left my "Relationship status" blank. As a result, it does not appear on my profile. This seemingly insignificant detail points to the logical impasse that aromantic asexuality creates in the language we have established to describe our manner of pair bonding (or not). As the binary opposition stands at present, my "relationship status" remains a gap, a blankness, a placeholder for something that we have not yet developed a vocabulary or a set of social codes to explain.
--
From the Forum
A selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN Web site
One of my good friends likes to poke fun at my asexuality. It is never in any sort of hurtful way, and I kind of enjoy the teasing. Anyway, today we were talking about my writing and I said that I didn't know what should come next in a story I'm working on. He asked what it was about, so I told him, and he gave this long and complicated idea, that ended with a man and a woman meeting each other and "having hot, passionate... hand-holding."
- raleighwhittierhayes, Wednesday October 31, "Just a funny story" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
As I've said elsewhere, if my wife and I knew what we know now about the consequences of our sexual incompatibility, we would have run a mile before getting involved with each other. And I would have missed out on 18 fantastic years (and counting), the fulfillment of so many shared dreams, and the greatest love of my life (as well as some pain I could do without, but who doesn't have that from time to time). Who knows what I would have got instead? Sex ain't everything.
- Olivier, Friday November 16, "Comparative validity of reasons for not wanting to have sex" in For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies
I think that sexuality has appropriated so many things, from the naked body to exploring that body unashamed to walking at sunset while holding hands with your love. But I don't think that any situation is inherently sexual or foreplay to sexuality. I don't work well with sexual contact but I'm all for affection, physical closeness and intimacy, so I could do the very same things that sexuals do but do them for different reasons, get different meanings and make it deep a whole different way.
- vanilla black tea, Sunday November 18, "the body doesn't have to be sexualized" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
I've read most of the [scientific reports] about human asexuality in the wiki article: Bogaert's publications, Storms, Prause & Graham (through the Kinsey Institute), and Johnson (in Gochros). They are all good solid support for an asexual orientation or designation, though it'd certainly be nice to see more out there.
Johnson and Storms are really exciting, because being from 1977 and 1980 they far predate AVEN. Storms even came up with an orientation graph starting at "asexual" with rays to "heterosexual" and "homosexual," which looks startlingly like the AVEN triangle turned on one side. That was pre-DJ!
- spinneret, Thursday November 29, "Where's the Research?" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
AVEN posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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Confessions of a Purple Superhero
by SAM B.I.
I have a superpower. I've had it all my life. Like many other superheroes I didn't realise at first that I had this power and even once I became aware of it, I didn't know how to use it or what it was capable of. Over time, I have learnt where its value lies.
Before you accuse me of having an overlarge ego, let me explain myself. The superpower is a real life super-power, not something out of a comic book. It's bound to everyday exis-tence and at first glance might not seem all that amazing. But don't let that first glance fool you – look a little deeper.
Asexuality is a superpower. I doubt that it will ever be instrumental in sa-ving the world from destruction but it is helpful on a humbler scale. At its simplest it is a justification for not choosing the well-trodden path. So-ciety can sometimes exert tremen-dous pressure on an individual to conform. Just think about what peo-ple do to themselves to be beautiful: they wax, nip, tuck, botox and starve themselves – just to fit in.
Parents, friends, religious groups and media all contribute. There are un-spoken expectations to form relation-ships, get married and have children – pre-packaged futures. It is, after all, commonly known that it is impossi-ble to be happy and single. If you re-fuse to play along, you're the one who gets labeled as abnormal. I em-brace my abnormality – so bite me.
When you try to be something you are not (sexual, in other words), life loses its delight. Many asexuals try this regardless and work very hard to fit in. It never works. Deep down they know that it is not what they want. This leads some to say that asexuality is limiting.
I contest that. I say they don't know what they are talking about. Sure, all the usual options are gone or, at the least, unrealistic, but I have never wanted a pre-packaged life complete with its pre-packaged sexuality. When you move beyond that, every-thing becomes uncertain. Uncertainty usually has negative connotations but those are given to it by the self-same society that says getting married and having children is the only future worth pursuing. I don't think I believe them anymore.
At its best, your asexuality gives you incredible freedom. Once you know what you are and what you are wil-ling to give, your future becomes anything but limited. You could find a significant other or, perhaps, signi-ficant others (yes, I am referring to the polyamory discussions that spo-radically appear on AVEN). You could get married or not, instead creating a new type of relationship. You could make a family but that family doesn't have to fall inside the boundaries dictated by social norms.
I do not know where my superpower will lead me or what an asexual rela-tionship is supposed to look like, but that's a good thing. I can explore and find my own way in my own sweet time. Where is your sense of adven-ture? Sprinkle it on your boots and put on your purple cape. Let's go see what we can find.
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Featured AVENite: "Coleslaw"
A personage from the forums that you'd like to get to know better
Name: Cole
Age: 19
Location: Split between San Francisco and Vancouver.
Preferred Label(s): Asexual
Bio: Well, hi, I'm Cole! I'm a 19-year-old university student and part-time jack-of-all-trades. I'm a science geek with green glasses, blue striped rain boots and a pretty serious obsession with crazy-colourful socks. Three random facts about me would be that 1) I love all forms of bad weather, and am particularly awed by hurricanes, 2) I sing in the shower, and 3) I am a sucker for the Home and Garden channel and will watch home improvement shows till I drop dead, if given the opportunity. On AVEN, I'm a Project Team moderator and a year-long member who's actively involved in making meet-ups happen and sorting out tech issues. I like helping out in any way I can, so if ever you need something, just ask!
How she came to AVEN: I was struggling with my sexual identity all through high school, and it had a really deep and negative effect on me. I saw a therapist, who was the first person to suggest I may just lack a sex drive. What he saw as a problem became my solution; I hit up Wikipedia and Google and found AVEN, then six months after that, I joined.
The most important thing about AVEN: To me, the most important thing about AVEN is the community. When I had no one left to turn to, I was able to join AVEN and immediately be surrounded with support and understanding. I will never forget that feeling. In regards to asexual visibility, knowledge about asexuality is what matters. Only once people know about asexuality can they come to accept the idea that some people can lack sexual desire and still live complete and happy lives. From there, anything can happen.
What she'd say to a newcomer: Well, I'd say hello, of course! Ha ha, but seriously now, if I could tell every newcomer one thing and one thing only, it would be to not worry about what other people may say or think, because you are not other people. Be comfortable and happy as you, because this is your life, not theirs. Regardless of what you choose to identify as, you won't be alone, so just worry about what makes you happy, and the rest will work itself out.
Other thoughts: Nothing else but thank you, AVEN, for everything you've given me, and I hope I can continue to give back as much as I have gained, if not more.
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Anerotica
by RAISIN
To me, you're a canvas,
An endless white expanse of what-could-be.
And when you're blank,
When you're stripped, when you're exposed,
You're absolutely beautiful
Because you represent the possibility
To remake, reinvent, relive.
You want something more.
I see your body, feel it
Pulse and quiver
But I only put my hands on you
To mold, shape, create.
To me, you're a canvas,
An intellectual looking-glass,
An opportunity for me
To speak, think, reflect
Everything I feel in my heart
Into yours.
Like a sculptor to the marble,
I see the statue within,
New and naked and full of hope.
But you don't understand.
You still quiver; You want
To touch, writhe, explode.
I am the blind artist,
The dreamer with a heart of stone,
Unmoved by the physical, the now;
Enraptured by the invisible, the potential.
You burst into a handful of shivering stars,
And I sprinkle you behind me as I go.
Another monument to those who didn't understand.
--
Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere. AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demi-sexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is a list of what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1500 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of the AVEN forums: If you're hanging out online and see a post that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition, tell us about it!
Reader responses: It only takes a few seconds to send us your take on the latest Food For Thought question, and if you have anything else to say to us, we love getting letters!
Art and photography: We normally use photos from AVEN meetups, but anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including.
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give AVENues' inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days.
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