AVENues Issue #8
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Carolyn Lamb
Jul 7, 2007, 5:34:01 PM7/7/07
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AVENues Issue #8 - Saturday, July 7, 2007 (text version posted to the AVENues Google group / RSS July 7, 2007)
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/home/images/stories/newsletter/2007_07_07.pdf
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Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A monthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to further showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
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Contents:
1. "Gray Matters"
2. News from April and May
3. "All Is Not Well In PTgonia"
4. Food For Thought
5. "Living Well with Uncertainty"
6. "Lost In Translation"
7. AVEN Around the World: AVENde
8. From the Forum
9. Casual Crossword
10. "Prizelight"
11. Featured AVENite: "Spinneret"
The PDF version of this newsletter also includes a crossword and photos that are not available in text-only form.
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Gray Matters
by HALLUCIGENIA
"Am I or aren't I?"
It's probably the most-asked question on AVEN, and so much rides on how we answer it. If I'm asexual, congratulations are due; I've disco-vered my true orientation, and can now devote my energies to living a happy life without sex. If I'm sexual, AVEN still welcomes me – it's a very cool place that way – but I'll be pointing myself in the opposite di-rection, looking for sexual things that are acceptable to me. Either way, once I have an answer to "Am I or aren't I?", I've figured out some-thing fundamental about myself.
Or have I?
Some of us don't quite fit into the "am" or the "aren't". Maybe we feel sexual attraction a little, but not in the normal way (whatever that means). Maybe we have a source of sexual attraction, but little or no drive to act on it. Maybe we get sexually attracted to someone for a couple of days out of every five years or so. Or maybe we just don't know whether our feelings count as sexual attraction or not. We call these people gray-A, or hyposexual, or demisexual, or a million other things.
They're the fuzzy gray place between the white of straightforward sexuality and the black of straightforward asexuality.
The funny thing about gray areas is that they're, well, gray. People who live in the black and white places on the triangle can forget that gray exists. Far too often we try to talk as though there are only two ways to be. "Sexuals see the world like this," we'll say sagely to each other, "and asexuals see it like this."
"Hang on," says the little gray-A in the corner, "that can't be right. That doesn't cover everyone."
"Sorry," we say. "Sexuals usually see the world like this," we say sagely, "and asexuals usually see it like this. Better?"
And sometimes that is better. But sometimes it isn't. Because, see, the little gray-A in the corner is always going to be an exception. That's just the nature of being in a gray area. No one says "A gray-A sees the world like this." People who are gray-A don't have anything in common except not fitting into one of the other two categories. In fact, a lot of the time we don't even have that in common. Some of us have a clear idea of what gray means to us, and why we belong there, but some of us don't. Maybe I'm a confident and self-assured little gray-A, secure in the knowledge that I experience sexual attraction twice a year (or whatever). Or maybe I'm the kind who runs around flailing my arms in my own private limbo, not knowing which of my feelings are sexual and which ones aren't, not understanding what it is they're directed to, and getting more and more frustrated the more I try to sort it out. I'm an exception – neither one thing nor the other. I'm unknown, unknowable, and almost impossible to explain.
The other thing about gray areas is that they're borderless. Just as the gray area itself obscures any clear border between black and white, it also obscures any clear border between itself and black, or itself and white. Places that look black or white to the careless human glance may actually have a moderate amount of gray in them. What about the asexual over here who has a drive and sexual fantasies? Is she gray? If so, is she no longer "really" asexual? And what about the sexual over here who likes sex, but makes it a low priority in his life and can go quite a long time happily without it? Is he gray? And if he's gray, does that make him not a real sexual?
Better thinkers than I have examined this sort of question, thrown up their hands, and fled. So what, you might ask, should we have a gray area if it just makes everything muddy and uncertain? Why shouldn't we just ignore the gray area, or shunt it all off to one side or the other, with titles like "asexual in denial" or "dysfunctional sexual"?
The epiphany comes when the little gray-A in the corner actually takes a look at what she's supposedly an exception to. Sexuality – what's that? Pick two sexuals at random, put them in a room, run every conceivable test, and what do they have in common? Maybe, if you're lucky, they'll both have some desire to do something involving sexual organs with another person. But it won't be the same other person, or even the same kind of other person, and it won't be nearly the same kind of something, and won't have nearly the same kind of emotions attached.
And asexuality – what's that? Pick two asexuals at random, put them in a room, and if you're lucky, they'll both not want to do something involving sexual organs with another person. But that's where it ends. We have all spots and stripes of asexuals here on AVEN. We have asexuals with sex drives and without, with romantic attraction and without, with repulsion to sex and without, with a love of touching and cuddling and without, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Say "I'm asexual" – or "I'm sexual" – to someone, and what have they learned about you, about the way you relate to others, the way you think about love, or the ways you like to use your body? Practically nothing!
Gray is the place where labels – black and white – are inadequate. And so, discovers the wide-eyed little gray-A, gray must be pretty much everywhere. And if gray is pretty much everywhere, that means that pretty much everyone is gray. Before we discovered the gray area there were sexuality and asexuality, and that was it. And in a model like that, asexuals are an aberration. They don't necessarily have anything in common with anyone anywhere else on the triangle. Sexuals are one way, asexuals are another way, and that's that.
But in the all-gray model, asexuality is everywhere – it's only a matter of degree. For some, it's their whole life. But that's not all it is. It's not some mystical thing that only a select 1 percent of the population can ever understand. It's there in every sexual person – it's the little voice in the back of your head that goes, "You know, just this once, I'd really rather be sleeping. Or cuddling. Or eating chocolate. This little activity isn't all there is to the world." And if everyone's got some asexuality in them, then asexuality's a little bit different for all of them. Just like sexuality. Just like anything. It's not just the asexuals who could use some space to embrace their asexuality in our sexed-up commercial culture. It's pretty near everyone.
Next time you feel tempted to ask "Am I or aren't I?" – or to give a pat answer to someone else who asks the same thing – do me a favour and don't. Instead, as we already do in the very best AVEN discussions, tell a story. Say "This is who and what I like, and who and what I don't like. This is what feels good to me, and this is what doesn't. This is what I've figured out about myself so far, and this is what I haven't. How about the rest of you? Does anyone feel the same? What can I learn from you, and what can you learn from me?"
And the gray – that means you – will inherit the earth.
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News from April and May
Nicole Prause, one of the first scientists to do a study of asexuals involving AVEN, has published her findings in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. The results she found are different from the results found by previous studies ( i.e. Tony Bogaert) and much more research is needed.
For the second year in a row, AVENde (German AVEN) has exhi-bited a successful table on asexuality at Motzstrassenfest, Germany's lar-gest pride fair.
Media outlets looking for AVENites and other asexuals to interview include VeckoRevyn magazine in Sweden, the EXCÉLSIOR newspaper in Mexico, Fox News in Chicago, an independent film student in Vancou-ver, 20/20 in New Zeland, and Bitch magazine in the United States. Xtra.ca, a Canadian queer magazine, has also published about us.
At the AVEN boards, we've been electing new moderators and chan-ging moderator policy to be more o-pen to the public. We're also planning to overhaul the Project Team to make it much easier for normal AVENites to participate. (AVENues has got more scoop on that later in this issue – see Sam's article on page 3.) And, to make it easier to keep track of AVEN happenings from week to week, we've begun to produce a weekly "AVEN Digest" pointing to current visibility opportunities and other site events. Just go to the Announcements forum on the main AVEN boards and look for the latest Digest to keep abreast of what's new on AVEN.
Meanwhile, on the AVENwiki, we've been constructing a series of Open Letters to various sections of the public (scientists, educators, the queer community, etc.) As always with the Wiki, anyone is welcome to come and make edits.
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All is not well in Ptgonia:
AVEN Project Team's Future Uncertain.
By SAM B.I.
The existence of the AVEN Project Team hangs in the balance. This comes after an intense discussion, started on May the 27th on AVEN's Visibility, Education and Organizing Forum. Members of the Project Team, Admods and AVENites debated the effectiveness of the Project Team. In the midst of this discussion Gegaanenaarvrienden (formerly known as Trip) chose to resign from the Project Team. She said that she had had "enough" but that she would continue to assist with projects in an unofficial capacity.
AVENguy established the Project Team in June 2006 with the intention of creating a group of people who bore official responsibility for AVEN's off-forum projects in the same the way that the Admod Team is responsible for the forum. The PT forum was made private because AVENguy felt the Project Team might be inundated with ideas from AVENites and it would be hard for them to accomplish anything in the ensuing chaos.
Leading up to Gegaanenaarvrienden's resignation was a discussion with The Evil Cashew concerning the issue of trust between the Project Team and the Admod Team in the thread.
The Project Team had requested a vow from the Admod Team that its members would not vote in its decision-making polls. The Evil Cashew felt that this displayed a severe lack of trust while Gegaanenaarvrienden felt it was a necessity.
Gegaanenaarvrienden resigned during this discussion, initially posting her reasons for doing so, but later editing her post to say that she will explain herself to anyone who contacted her via private message.
In the same thread The Evil Cashew, spinneret and Coleslaw, criticised the Project Team for a lack of organisation and coherence. The criticisms were that there is confusion about who are currently members of the team, there is a lack of interest in membership, elections are put aside and polls show that very few members of the PT are actually voting on matters they should be concerned about.
KBRD143 noted that it is difficult for the average AVENite to be heard in the PT Forum. "It [the Project Team] is falling apart," The Evil Cashew commented.
The AVENites participating in the discussion also suggested possible solutions to the problems the Project Team was facing.
KBRD143 said, "Communication should be free-flowing between the [Project Team and the Admod Team] – and between the Project Team and the general AVEN membership."
Spinneret suggested that the PT Forum be opened to anyone with an idea, time or skills to offer. She felt that by doing this, the Project Team would be more able to match skills to projects and get things done faster and the responsibility for projects would not rest solely on the shoulders of a single volunteer. GBRD143 expanded on spinneret's proposal by suggesting that the current PT members could become moderators of the PT forum.
All participants in the thread felt more discussion would be necessary regarding the election of moderators and how to delegate responsibility for various projects.
AVENguy posted, "One of the lessons I'm taking from the state of the PT is that it might be a good idea to take out some of the formal democratic processes and let people who are interested in helping out help out. […]It's not that I'm against democracy, I just think that at our current size it's clunky to set up too many bureaucratic procedures"
The issue had to be put on hold because the moderator elections for the Celebrations Forum and Asexual Musings and Rantings had to finish before people could focus on the Project Team issue. It has had a lacklustre revival since the completion of those elections.
Options for restructuring the Project Team and implementation of these ideas are still not clear, but in an effort to keep things moving, a poll for deciding on the Project Team Forum has been constructed. However, not all AVENites have followed the discussion in the Project Team thread and some are therefore unclear on the significance of the voting options.
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Food For Thought
Last issue, we asked our readers the following question:
What makes you sure of your orientation? Can you ever really be sure? What advice would you give to someone who is not sure if they are asexual or not?
Some of the responses we got are listed below.
One can keep asking those questions endlessly. When you start thinking about it, though, there aren't any lifetime guarantees with anything. For someone who feels uncertain and wants some peace of mind, I'd ask the following two questions: "Do you want sex right now?" and "Do you see yourself potentially wanting sex in the near future (at the right time, with the right person etc)?" If the answer to both questions is "no", then in any practical sense you're asexual. And that's what matters really.
- Andeora
The same things that make a heterosexual woman sure she's not bisexual. I feel no sexual attraction to men or women, the same way she feels no sexual attraction to women and thus knows she's not bisexual. No one can ever be entirely sure. Orientation could theoretically change at any point in someone's life, but I can be as sure as any person can be.
- Meeker192
There's always a lot of hubbub about whether you're sure you're asexual, or just emotionally distraught or the like, both from the outside world and from within the asexual community. Does it really matter if I'm "sure" I'm asexual or not? Are sexuals "sure" they're sexual just because they're having sex, and am I "sure" I'm asexual just because I'm not? All I know is that I'm not interested in sex and trying to fight that creates misery in my life. I'm a comfortable and happy human being without sex in my life – I've got love, friendship, and yes, even physical intimacy. Anything can change for anyone at anytime, sexual, asexual, questioning or clueless. The only advice I would give someone who was questioning is that if you feel comfortable in your own skin calling yourself asexual, roll with it. The on-ly one who knows the answer is you, and what the rest of the world thinks or labels you doesn't mean a thing.
- LostPenguin
This month, we have a new question for you:
What is the best thing about being asexual – or is there a best thing?
Send your answers to newsl...@asexuality.org. Please put "Food for Thought" in the subject line and indicate the name or nickname under which you would like to be credited.
Food for Thought answers belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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Living Well with Uncertainty:
How do I know I'm asexual?
by BIRDNERD – inspired by this month's Food For Thought
I have no recollection of ever wondering or caring where babies came from. The closest I ever came was to ask my parents, when I was about four, why the neighbor kid got to pee standing up. This ought to have been my first tip-off.
It wasn't, though. I tried dating for a while in high school, chiefly because I liked the idea of meaning that much to someone. It was a phase. I grew out of it. I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years when I realized that the few things I wanted from him could be gotten from my friends without the sloppy sentimentality or the cumbersome exchange of saliva.
It gradually dawned on me, over a period of several years thereafter, that Cupid could deck me out like a bipedal porcupine without any of those arrows having any effect. Before I found AVEN, my working theory was that I was a freak, and the only such freak ever to have existed in all of human history.
After I found AVEN, I was able to discard that theory, and I had about six happy asexual months before I over thought my way into a pernicious existential crisis over precisely this question. I didn't know how I could know if I really was asexual, and I was terrified of being wrong. The worst part, I realized, was that there wasn't anything I could think of that could make me more sure of my own identity. I could never prove it to myself. All I had to go on was my gut feeling and my recollection of having had the same gut feeling for pretty much the last 21 years, but I was always starting over. It was all continually up in the air, one moment after another, no matter which way I looked at it.
That was the way I lived for a few months. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fun, but I slogged through it. The school year ended and I went home. I worked, walked, ran, wrote, watched baseball, rode my bike, tried new beers, played the guitar, went to Bible study, did yard work, and cleaned out a closet. None of it made me any more sure that I was asexual.
The value in all of that, I came to realize, was that it made the question smaller. The way I was living was what mattered, not the fact that I still didn't care where babies came from or have any vested interest in it. The relationships I did have – as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a Christian, a White Sox fan, everything else I was – came into relief, and the relationships I didn't want to have seemed irrelevant.
One of the great ironies of asexual identity is the temptation to become so focused on defining ourselves by what we're not – on scoffing at society's preoccupation with sexuality on the grounds that "there are more important things in life" – that we begin to ignore those more important things. We're not doing anyone any favors if we do – not for visibility, not for our own peace of mind. Sitting around all day furrowing our brows at how sexual we aren't (at best, how sexual we're reasonably sure we aren't) does not make us interesting, multi-dimensional human beings, and it isn't very much fun, either. Trust me.
At times, I still wish I could say I knew for sure, but I don't. All I can do with uncertainty is to go on living. The only advice I can give to other asexuals looking for a definite yes-or-no answer is this: Live. You may discover in real time what you've suspected all along; you may change – but that isn't the point. The point is that asexual identity (or not) makes up only a tiny part of the infinite variety of what we are. Speaking for myself, that tiny part isn't even anywhere near the most important or foundational part.
It's still possible that I've been dead wrong about everything (and that's "everything" in the broadest possible sense). It's always possible that I've been dead wrong about everything, that any of us have. It's the risk we take by living.
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Lost In Translation
A movie review by BLUE ICE-TEA
Starring: Bill Murray, Scarlett Johansson
Written & Directed by: Sofia Coppola
U.S.A., Japan; 2003; 102 min.
Lost in Translation isn't exactly an asexual movie. It has, after all, nothing to do with asexuality. The two main characters are presumably sexual - both are married and at least one has an affair during the course of the film. Celibacy is never discussed, nor is lack of sexual attraction, but references to sex are fleeting.
The movie could be about many things. The disillusionment of old age, the uncertainty of youth, the weird things that happen when foreigners find themselves alone in a strange city. But at the centre of these things is a love story.
A middle-aged man and a young girl meet at a Tokyo hotel and are drawn together by their shared alienation. They go out to lunch together, sing karaoke, and stay up till all hours talking. In a few short days they open up to each other, pull wacky hijinks, and even learn how to share comfortable silence.
Oh, and they don't have sex. Did I mention that? No? That's probably because it doesn't seem very important, any more than the fact that they don't play poker or climb Mount Fuji. This isn't a movie about two characters who don't have sex, it's about two characters who do all kinds of things together. Sex just doesn't happen to be one of them. From start to finish their relationship is portrayed as purely platonic.
Given the age difference between them, it's tempting to say they are like a father and daughter, but that would be an oversimplification. No conventional analogy describes the relationship they share. It isn't an unconsummated romance, a familial surrogacy, or even a traditional friendship. It's one of those serendipitous relationships that happen when two strangers feel unexpectedly drawn to each other. Most of us have felt a connection like that at least once in our lives, and if we have, then nothing about Lost in Translation should seem very strange to us. This movie is simply about those rarest of relationships, when the time is right, and the place is right. The moment is just long enough, but not too long, that people have a chance to act on that attraction, and develop a friendship they will treasure for the rest of their lives.
I doubt that Sophia Coppola set out to make an asexual movie. The lack of sex is not her main focus; it's incidental to the story she's telling. Then again, it's not as though a lack of sex is the main focus of most asexuals, either. Asexuality isn't really about living a life based around not having sex; it's about disidentifying with the whole concept of sexuality. So maybe Lost in Translation is an asexual movie. In the same way that being asexual means identifying with all the things in life that aren't sex, Lost in Translation is about all the things other than sex that make up a relationship. Perhaps that's what makes it so special. Perhaps in acknowledging relationships that transcend sexuality, where terms like "sexual" and "asexual" are irrelevant, it is in fact a truly asexual movie.
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AVEN Around the World: German AVEN
by HALLUCIGENIA
with translation help by CARSONSPIRE
Structure
Many 'international AVENs' are simply extra forums, but German AVEN is a site unto itself. In the main AVENde directory you can find a full stock of static content like English AVEN. If you speak German, you can access the Asex-Wiki, which existed before English AVEN's current Wiki; you can download German-language pamphlets complete with quotations from asexual Germans; you can chat live with other German-speaking asexuals, view a list of regular meetups in major German cities, or browse a store full of AVEN merchandise, with such slogans as "Ich will alles ausser sex" ("I want everything except sex").
German AVEN is run by three admins, who split up duties such as site administration and handling visibility requests, and five moderators, who assist the admins in running the board. The German AVENites refer to English AVEN as a "mother ship" and use a lot of material that is translated from, or inspired by, English AVEN's content, but they also produce original German-language content.
German AVEN uses a slightly different definition of asexuality than English AVEN: their site defines an asexual as a person without desire for sexual interaction. "For Germans," explained Dirk Walter, an admin, in an interview, "the term 'sexual attraction' sounds somewhat less precise... but the German definition is also imprecise and can be understood incorrectly, which is largely caught in our texts and in the forum. The main point for me [is] the exchange between people – not the definition."
Community
German AVEN has more than 3,000 members, but most are inactive. Those members who do participate in the community have established strong relationships with each other, including friendships and romantic love. Like with English AVEN, some prominent members consider themselves sexual or questioning rather than asexual, and some have redefined sexuality to make it work for them.
Many German AVENites prize their site for being a place where asexual topics can be discussed openly.
"The real beauty of AVEN," said Walter, "is that every person interested in a polite and objective exchange on the topic is welcome here. AVEN has not created an asexual refuge, nor has it... excluded any sexuals, to the contrary, [it] has invited them to join the discussion."
As can be seen from the prominent meetup lists in their static content, many German AVENites also prize their ability to meet up in real life with like-minded people, asexual or not.
"An exchange for me means not only the reading of strung-together characters on a computer screen," said turtle, a moderator. "A face is commonly known to speak more than a thousand words."
Anja, another member who loves meetups, conceded that "the types of activities I had hoped and wished for never materialized. Most of the contact happens online in the forum and once a month there is a meetup in my city of Berlin for two, three hours. That for me is definitely insufficient."
Visibility
Before the founding of German AVEN, the term "asexuality" did not exist in German. But, like English AVEN, German AVEN often gets requests for interviews from print media and TV. The German AVENites also put together projects of their own, such as distributing their own flyers in public buildings. German AVEN is especially famous for its yearly appearances at Motzstrassenfest, the largest gay pride fair in Europe.
Unfortunately, many offers for media (especially television) coverage of German AVEN are never fulfilled, because many German AVENites are unwilling to come out publicly.
"In Germany," explained Maz, another admin, "we have a great deal of people who still associate the word 'asexual' with sick/abnormal/alone... At the same time, there exists a strong push toward individuality and it is very difficult for the Germans to associate a group identity with the term 'asexuality'.
"Asexuality is for us something very private and personal, about which one does not like to speak publicly and something that one keeps secret if possible. For example, almost all of our users, also those who go to regular or larger meetups, would be upset if someone were to 'out' them through symbols such as the AVEN triangle, or if other people could guess the reason for the meetup. The people who appear in public here are then almost all lone warriors."
"I wish that German asexuals can build a self-awareness similar to that of the American asexuals," said Walter. "In Germany, one is unfortunately still very shy when one is sexually non-heterosexual."
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From the Forum
A selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN web site
It is an empowering idea, taking back the word "sex" and defining it according to your own personal makeup. Sure, the world at large might get a bit confused, but us asexies confuse the hell out of the world anyway. If "out there" is going to see sex, and a sexual relationship, as the pinnacle of special closeness, then it's a great idea to name your own variety of closeness as "sex".
I love being with someone special, as their exclusive and loving partner. I love cuddling, holding hands, gentle kissing, snuggling, caresses – but for me all those things aren't a prelude to making love, they are making love.
It is quite bizarre, but since joining AVEN I've never felt more "sexy" in my life! That is sexy as in gorgeous and desirable and lovable and a real catch for some lucky guy. I even bought a bit of pink clothing! (yoga top, thrift store). I've always shied away from dressing too "girly" because I knew I shouldn't be trying to attract anyone. Now... I'm out there. Come talk to me and we'll see what we can do!
Not quite a slut yet - I've always been a monogamous mongoose. But hey, everything changes!
- Freed_Spirit, Thursday May 24, "I'm an asexual slut, I think" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
I think it is too easy to focus on the negative.
The majority of asexuals would like to be in relationships of some sort - just not sexual ones.
Why not say that our attractions to other people are different from the norm, and are based on things other than sex, rather than say that they don't exist at all?
- GBRD143, Sunday June 3, "Spreading the word on asexuality..." in Visibility, Education, and Organizing
This is something I call "committed friendship" (there was a thread about it). I'm lucky to have one of those - the mutual understanding and feeling fully comfortable with the person sums it up for me. But I'm not the most important person for her (and neither she is for me) and I don't want to be. I think that would put too much pressure and I don't like the thought that someone is dependent on me or that I'm dependent on someone.
- La_Gioconda, Sunday June 10, "Impossible Bond?" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
AVEN posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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Prizelight
by DINDRANE
We shake hands, we talk a bit, and as I turn to go
You're looking at me, checking me out, as if you already know
What I can do for you, what need I can fill, the means to ends I could be
And though your eyes seem focused outwards, you're looking at you, not me.
Oh, I can see it boy, it's in your eyes, don't say another word.
You can talk real pretty, but nothing can smooth over what I've already heard.
All that remains for me to figure out is what it is that you want.
Sex? Status? Emotional needs? Just something with boobs to flaunt?
Please, sir, come tell me, what's the order of the day?
What can I get or do for you, what role shall I play?
I'm only here to fill a need, your eyes say, "yes, she might do."
I've become an object, or a sign, or a tool, now I'll never be a person to you.
Perhaps you're a loser, can't get a girl, so you'll take whatever comes your way.
Or perhaps you're insecure, with emotional needs to fill, since you were three when mommy went away?
Maybe you'd like to play daddy, the gallant hero, show this innocent the secrets of love?
Or maybe, just maybe, I'm the mythical "one," the nonexistent girl you're dreaming of?
Or maybe it's simpler, since I'm so naïve, maybe you'll fool me into sex?
Or do I have it wrong, is it just a matter of getting an A+ on your next big test?
But whatever it is, this need you've got, that you can't fill on your own,
it doesn't matter, 'cause I can fill it, and until I do, you won't leave me alone.
You'll follow me around like a retarded puppy (on my leg), giving it all you've got.
Because I can fill your needs, you know I can, whether I want to or not.
But what I want, it doesn't exist, it never occurs to you.
As far as you're concerned, as long as you're happy, well then, I must be too.
I've seen it all before, I know how it goes, skip the song and dance.
So just go ahead and ask me, prizelight shining in your eyes:
"You got a boyfriend?"
"No."
And you don't have a chance.
--
Featured AVENite: "Spinneret"
A personage from the forums that you'd like to get to know better
Name: Spin
Age: 22
Location: based in the Willamette Valley in Oregon, USA
Preferred Label(s): I like "queer."
Bio: I've been a member of AVEN since August 2005, and one of the first things I did was arrange a meetup of AVENites in the Pacific Northwest. There were five of us at our first meet, and since then we've had several more fantastic meetups large and small. Besides being super excited about meetups, I really enjoy helping out new members with questions. I'm interested in queer theory and community building, and I'm considering a thesis on the asexual movement when I go back for my Masters.
How she came to AVEN: I stumbled onto the term "asexuality" in late 2003. I joined AVEN a year and a half later, after thinking it over and talking to asexuals I found other places.
The most important thing about AVEN: The most important thing about asexual visibility is getting the message across that some people aren't sexually attracted to anyone, and we are not broken. It's working! More and more people I know acept my asexuality unblinkingly, or even volunteer the term "asexual" when I start to explain my orientation.
Advice for newcomers: Stick around, ask any questions, and don't feel pressure to commit to any label right away. AVEN is meant to be a supportive and openminded place, not an asexual treehouse. Everyone's welcome.
Other thoughts: You get out of AVEN what you put into AVEN, so don't be afraid to get to know people. I never would have imagined I could make such incredible friendships on an online messageboard. The hosting disaster last year, when we had to move the AVEN forums to a temporary backup messageboard for a while, only proved to me how strong the community we've built really is.
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Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere. AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demisexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is a list of what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1500 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of the AVEN forums: If you're hanging out online and see a post that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition, tell us about it!
Reader responses: It only takes a few seconds to send us your take on the latest Food For Thought question, and if you have anything else to say to us, we love getting letters!
Art and photography: We normally use photos from AVEN meetups, but anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including.
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give AVENues' inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days.
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/home/images/stories/newsletter/2007_07_07.pdf
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Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A monthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to further showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
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Contents:
1. "Gray Matters"
2. News from April and May
3. "All Is Not Well In PTgonia"
4. Food For Thought
5. "Living Well with Uncertainty"
6. "Lost In Translation"
7. AVEN Around the World: AVENde
8. From the Forum
9. Casual Crossword
10. "Prizelight"
11. Featured AVENite: "Spinneret"
The PDF version of this newsletter also includes a crossword and photos that are not available in text-only form.
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Gray Matters
by HALLUCIGENIA
"Am I or aren't I?"
It's probably the most-asked question on AVEN, and so much rides on how we answer it. If I'm asexual, congratulations are due; I've disco-vered my true orientation, and can now devote my energies to living a happy life without sex. If I'm sexual, AVEN still welcomes me – it's a very cool place that way – but I'll be pointing myself in the opposite di-rection, looking for sexual things that are acceptable to me. Either way, once I have an answer to "Am I or aren't I?", I've figured out some-thing fundamental about myself.
Or have I?
Some of us don't quite fit into the "am" or the "aren't". Maybe we feel sexual attraction a little, but not in the normal way (whatever that means). Maybe we have a source of sexual attraction, but little or no drive to act on it. Maybe we get sexually attracted to someone for a couple of days out of every five years or so. Or maybe we just don't know whether our feelings count as sexual attraction or not. We call these people gray-A, or hyposexual, or demisexual, or a million other things.
They're the fuzzy gray place between the white of straightforward sexuality and the black of straightforward asexuality.
The funny thing about gray areas is that they're, well, gray. People who live in the black and white places on the triangle can forget that gray exists. Far too often we try to talk as though there are only two ways to be. "Sexuals see the world like this," we'll say sagely to each other, "and asexuals see it like this."
"Hang on," says the little gray-A in the corner, "that can't be right. That doesn't cover everyone."
"Sorry," we say. "Sexuals usually see the world like this," we say sagely, "and asexuals usually see it like this. Better?"
And sometimes that is better. But sometimes it isn't. Because, see, the little gray-A in the corner is always going to be an exception. That's just the nature of being in a gray area. No one says "A gray-A sees the world like this." People who are gray-A don't have anything in common except not fitting into one of the other two categories. In fact, a lot of the time we don't even have that in common. Some of us have a clear idea of what gray means to us, and why we belong there, but some of us don't. Maybe I'm a confident and self-assured little gray-A, secure in the knowledge that I experience sexual attraction twice a year (or whatever). Or maybe I'm the kind who runs around flailing my arms in my own private limbo, not knowing which of my feelings are sexual and which ones aren't, not understanding what it is they're directed to, and getting more and more frustrated the more I try to sort it out. I'm an exception – neither one thing nor the other. I'm unknown, unknowable, and almost impossible to explain.
The other thing about gray areas is that they're borderless. Just as the gray area itself obscures any clear border between black and white, it also obscures any clear border between itself and black, or itself and white. Places that look black or white to the careless human glance may actually have a moderate amount of gray in them. What about the asexual over here who has a drive and sexual fantasies? Is she gray? If so, is she no longer "really" asexual? And what about the sexual over here who likes sex, but makes it a low priority in his life and can go quite a long time happily without it? Is he gray? And if he's gray, does that make him not a real sexual?
Better thinkers than I have examined this sort of question, thrown up their hands, and fled. So what, you might ask, should we have a gray area if it just makes everything muddy and uncertain? Why shouldn't we just ignore the gray area, or shunt it all off to one side or the other, with titles like "asexual in denial" or "dysfunctional sexual"?
The epiphany comes when the little gray-A in the corner actually takes a look at what she's supposedly an exception to. Sexuality – what's that? Pick two sexuals at random, put them in a room, run every conceivable test, and what do they have in common? Maybe, if you're lucky, they'll both have some desire to do something involving sexual organs with another person. But it won't be the same other person, or even the same kind of other person, and it won't be nearly the same kind of something, and won't have nearly the same kind of emotions attached.
And asexuality – what's that? Pick two asexuals at random, put them in a room, and if you're lucky, they'll both not want to do something involving sexual organs with another person. But that's where it ends. We have all spots and stripes of asexuals here on AVEN. We have asexuals with sex drives and without, with romantic attraction and without, with repulsion to sex and without, with a love of touching and cuddling and without, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Say "I'm asexual" – or "I'm sexual" – to someone, and what have they learned about you, about the way you relate to others, the way you think about love, or the ways you like to use your body? Practically nothing!
Gray is the place where labels – black and white – are inadequate. And so, discovers the wide-eyed little gray-A, gray must be pretty much everywhere. And if gray is pretty much everywhere, that means that pretty much everyone is gray. Before we discovered the gray area there were sexuality and asexuality, and that was it. And in a model like that, asexuals are an aberration. They don't necessarily have anything in common with anyone anywhere else on the triangle. Sexuals are one way, asexuals are another way, and that's that.
But in the all-gray model, asexuality is everywhere – it's only a matter of degree. For some, it's their whole life. But that's not all it is. It's not some mystical thing that only a select 1 percent of the population can ever understand. It's there in every sexual person – it's the little voice in the back of your head that goes, "You know, just this once, I'd really rather be sleeping. Or cuddling. Or eating chocolate. This little activity isn't all there is to the world." And if everyone's got some asexuality in them, then asexuality's a little bit different for all of them. Just like sexuality. Just like anything. It's not just the asexuals who could use some space to embrace their asexuality in our sexed-up commercial culture. It's pretty near everyone.
Next time you feel tempted to ask "Am I or aren't I?" – or to give a pat answer to someone else who asks the same thing – do me a favour and don't. Instead, as we already do in the very best AVEN discussions, tell a story. Say "This is who and what I like, and who and what I don't like. This is what feels good to me, and this is what doesn't. This is what I've figured out about myself so far, and this is what I haven't. How about the rest of you? Does anyone feel the same? What can I learn from you, and what can you learn from me?"
And the gray – that means you – will inherit the earth.
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News from April and May
Nicole Prause, one of the first scientists to do a study of asexuals involving AVEN, has published her findings in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. The results she found are different from the results found by previous studies ( i.e. Tony Bogaert) and much more research is needed.
For the second year in a row, AVENde (German AVEN) has exhi-bited a successful table on asexuality at Motzstrassenfest, Germany's lar-gest pride fair.
Media outlets looking for AVENites and other asexuals to interview include VeckoRevyn magazine in Sweden, the EXCÉLSIOR newspaper in Mexico, Fox News in Chicago, an independent film student in Vancou-ver, 20/20 in New Zeland, and Bitch magazine in the United States. Xtra.ca, a Canadian queer magazine, has also published about us.
At the AVEN boards, we've been electing new moderators and chan-ging moderator policy to be more o-pen to the public. We're also planning to overhaul the Project Team to make it much easier for normal AVENites to participate. (AVENues has got more scoop on that later in this issue – see Sam's article on page 3.) And, to make it easier to keep track of AVEN happenings from week to week, we've begun to produce a weekly "AVEN Digest" pointing to current visibility opportunities and other site events. Just go to the Announcements forum on the main AVEN boards and look for the latest Digest to keep abreast of what's new on AVEN.
Meanwhile, on the AVENwiki, we've been constructing a series of Open Letters to various sections of the public (scientists, educators, the queer community, etc.) As always with the Wiki, anyone is welcome to come and make edits.
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All is not well in Ptgonia:
AVEN Project Team's Future Uncertain.
By SAM B.I.
The existence of the AVEN Project Team hangs in the balance. This comes after an intense discussion, started on May the 27th on AVEN's Visibility, Education and Organizing Forum. Members of the Project Team, Admods and AVENites debated the effectiveness of the Project Team. In the midst of this discussion Gegaanenaarvrienden (formerly known as Trip) chose to resign from the Project Team. She said that she had had "enough" but that she would continue to assist with projects in an unofficial capacity.
AVENguy established the Project Team in June 2006 with the intention of creating a group of people who bore official responsibility for AVEN's off-forum projects in the same the way that the Admod Team is responsible for the forum. The PT forum was made private because AVENguy felt the Project Team might be inundated with ideas from AVENites and it would be hard for them to accomplish anything in the ensuing chaos.
Leading up to Gegaanenaarvrienden's resignation was a discussion with The Evil Cashew concerning the issue of trust between the Project Team and the Admod Team in the thread.
The Project Team had requested a vow from the Admod Team that its members would not vote in its decision-making polls. The Evil Cashew felt that this displayed a severe lack of trust while Gegaanenaarvrienden felt it was a necessity.
Gegaanenaarvrienden resigned during this discussion, initially posting her reasons for doing so, but later editing her post to say that she will explain herself to anyone who contacted her via private message.
In the same thread The Evil Cashew, spinneret and Coleslaw, criticised the Project Team for a lack of organisation and coherence. The criticisms were that there is confusion about who are currently members of the team, there is a lack of interest in membership, elections are put aside and polls show that very few members of the PT are actually voting on matters they should be concerned about.
KBRD143 noted that it is difficult for the average AVENite to be heard in the PT Forum. "It [the Project Team] is falling apart," The Evil Cashew commented.
The AVENites participating in the discussion also suggested possible solutions to the problems the Project Team was facing.
KBRD143 said, "Communication should be free-flowing between the [Project Team and the Admod Team] – and between the Project Team and the general AVEN membership."
Spinneret suggested that the PT Forum be opened to anyone with an idea, time or skills to offer. She felt that by doing this, the Project Team would be more able to match skills to projects and get things done faster and the responsibility for projects would not rest solely on the shoulders of a single volunteer. GBRD143 expanded on spinneret's proposal by suggesting that the current PT members could become moderators of the PT forum.
All participants in the thread felt more discussion would be necessary regarding the election of moderators and how to delegate responsibility for various projects.
AVENguy posted, "One of the lessons I'm taking from the state of the PT is that it might be a good idea to take out some of the formal democratic processes and let people who are interested in helping out help out. […]It's not that I'm against democracy, I just think that at our current size it's clunky to set up too many bureaucratic procedures"
The issue had to be put on hold because the moderator elections for the Celebrations Forum and Asexual Musings and Rantings had to finish before people could focus on the Project Team issue. It has had a lacklustre revival since the completion of those elections.
Options for restructuring the Project Team and implementation of these ideas are still not clear, but in an effort to keep things moving, a poll for deciding on the Project Team Forum has been constructed. However, not all AVENites have followed the discussion in the Project Team thread and some are therefore unclear on the significance of the voting options.
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Food For Thought
Last issue, we asked our readers the following question:
What makes you sure of your orientation? Can you ever really be sure? What advice would you give to someone who is not sure if they are asexual or not?
Some of the responses we got are listed below.
One can keep asking those questions endlessly. When you start thinking about it, though, there aren't any lifetime guarantees with anything. For someone who feels uncertain and wants some peace of mind, I'd ask the following two questions: "Do you want sex right now?" and "Do you see yourself potentially wanting sex in the near future (at the right time, with the right person etc)?" If the answer to both questions is "no", then in any practical sense you're asexual. And that's what matters really.
- Andeora
The same things that make a heterosexual woman sure she's not bisexual. I feel no sexual attraction to men or women, the same way she feels no sexual attraction to women and thus knows she's not bisexual. No one can ever be entirely sure. Orientation could theoretically change at any point in someone's life, but I can be as sure as any person can be.
- Meeker192
There's always a lot of hubbub about whether you're sure you're asexual, or just emotionally distraught or the like, both from the outside world and from within the asexual community. Does it really matter if I'm "sure" I'm asexual or not? Are sexuals "sure" they're sexual just because they're having sex, and am I "sure" I'm asexual just because I'm not? All I know is that I'm not interested in sex and trying to fight that creates misery in my life. I'm a comfortable and happy human being without sex in my life – I've got love, friendship, and yes, even physical intimacy. Anything can change for anyone at anytime, sexual, asexual, questioning or clueless. The only advice I would give someone who was questioning is that if you feel comfortable in your own skin calling yourself asexual, roll with it. The on-ly one who knows the answer is you, and what the rest of the world thinks or labels you doesn't mean a thing.
- LostPenguin
This month, we have a new question for you:
What is the best thing about being asexual – or is there a best thing?
Send your answers to newsl...@asexuality.org. Please put "Food for Thought" in the subject line and indicate the name or nickname under which you would like to be credited.
Food for Thought answers belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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Living Well with Uncertainty:
How do I know I'm asexual?
by BIRDNERD – inspired by this month's Food For Thought
I have no recollection of ever wondering or caring where babies came from. The closest I ever came was to ask my parents, when I was about four, why the neighbor kid got to pee standing up. This ought to have been my first tip-off.
It wasn't, though. I tried dating for a while in high school, chiefly because I liked the idea of meaning that much to someone. It was a phase. I grew out of it. I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years when I realized that the few things I wanted from him could be gotten from my friends without the sloppy sentimentality or the cumbersome exchange of saliva.
It gradually dawned on me, over a period of several years thereafter, that Cupid could deck me out like a bipedal porcupine without any of those arrows having any effect. Before I found AVEN, my working theory was that I was a freak, and the only such freak ever to have existed in all of human history.
After I found AVEN, I was able to discard that theory, and I had about six happy asexual months before I over thought my way into a pernicious existential crisis over precisely this question. I didn't know how I could know if I really was asexual, and I was terrified of being wrong. The worst part, I realized, was that there wasn't anything I could think of that could make me more sure of my own identity. I could never prove it to myself. All I had to go on was my gut feeling and my recollection of having had the same gut feeling for pretty much the last 21 years, but I was always starting over. It was all continually up in the air, one moment after another, no matter which way I looked at it.
That was the way I lived for a few months. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fun, but I slogged through it. The school year ended and I went home. I worked, walked, ran, wrote, watched baseball, rode my bike, tried new beers, played the guitar, went to Bible study, did yard work, and cleaned out a closet. None of it made me any more sure that I was asexual.
The value in all of that, I came to realize, was that it made the question smaller. The way I was living was what mattered, not the fact that I still didn't care where babies came from or have any vested interest in it. The relationships I did have – as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a Christian, a White Sox fan, everything else I was – came into relief, and the relationships I didn't want to have seemed irrelevant.
One of the great ironies of asexual identity is the temptation to become so focused on defining ourselves by what we're not – on scoffing at society's preoccupation with sexuality on the grounds that "there are more important things in life" – that we begin to ignore those more important things. We're not doing anyone any favors if we do – not for visibility, not for our own peace of mind. Sitting around all day furrowing our brows at how sexual we aren't (at best, how sexual we're reasonably sure we aren't) does not make us interesting, multi-dimensional human beings, and it isn't very much fun, either. Trust me.
At times, I still wish I could say I knew for sure, but I don't. All I can do with uncertainty is to go on living. The only advice I can give to other asexuals looking for a definite yes-or-no answer is this: Live. You may discover in real time what you've suspected all along; you may change – but that isn't the point. The point is that asexual identity (or not) makes up only a tiny part of the infinite variety of what we are. Speaking for myself, that tiny part isn't even anywhere near the most important or foundational part.
It's still possible that I've been dead wrong about everything (and that's "everything" in the broadest possible sense). It's always possible that I've been dead wrong about everything, that any of us have. It's the risk we take by living.
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Lost In Translation
A movie review by BLUE ICE-TEA
Starring: Bill Murray, Scarlett Johansson
Written & Directed by: Sofia Coppola
U.S.A., Japan; 2003; 102 min.
Lost in Translation isn't exactly an asexual movie. It has, after all, nothing to do with asexuality. The two main characters are presumably sexual - both are married and at least one has an affair during the course of the film. Celibacy is never discussed, nor is lack of sexual attraction, but references to sex are fleeting.
The movie could be about many things. The disillusionment of old age, the uncertainty of youth, the weird things that happen when foreigners find themselves alone in a strange city. But at the centre of these things is a love story.
A middle-aged man and a young girl meet at a Tokyo hotel and are drawn together by their shared alienation. They go out to lunch together, sing karaoke, and stay up till all hours talking. In a few short days they open up to each other, pull wacky hijinks, and even learn how to share comfortable silence.
Oh, and they don't have sex. Did I mention that? No? That's probably because it doesn't seem very important, any more than the fact that they don't play poker or climb Mount Fuji. This isn't a movie about two characters who don't have sex, it's about two characters who do all kinds of things together. Sex just doesn't happen to be one of them. From start to finish their relationship is portrayed as purely platonic.
Given the age difference between them, it's tempting to say they are like a father and daughter, but that would be an oversimplification. No conventional analogy describes the relationship they share. It isn't an unconsummated romance, a familial surrogacy, or even a traditional friendship. It's one of those serendipitous relationships that happen when two strangers feel unexpectedly drawn to each other. Most of us have felt a connection like that at least once in our lives, and if we have, then nothing about Lost in Translation should seem very strange to us. This movie is simply about those rarest of relationships, when the time is right, and the place is right. The moment is just long enough, but not too long, that people have a chance to act on that attraction, and develop a friendship they will treasure for the rest of their lives.
I doubt that Sophia Coppola set out to make an asexual movie. The lack of sex is not her main focus; it's incidental to the story she's telling. Then again, it's not as though a lack of sex is the main focus of most asexuals, either. Asexuality isn't really about living a life based around not having sex; it's about disidentifying with the whole concept of sexuality. So maybe Lost in Translation is an asexual movie. In the same way that being asexual means identifying with all the things in life that aren't sex, Lost in Translation is about all the things other than sex that make up a relationship. Perhaps that's what makes it so special. Perhaps in acknowledging relationships that transcend sexuality, where terms like "sexual" and "asexual" are irrelevant, it is in fact a truly asexual movie.
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AVEN Around the World: German AVEN
by HALLUCIGENIA
with translation help by CARSONSPIRE
Structure
Many 'international AVENs' are simply extra forums, but German AVEN is a site unto itself. In the main AVENde directory you can find a full stock of static content like English AVEN. If you speak German, you can access the Asex-Wiki, which existed before English AVEN's current Wiki; you can download German-language pamphlets complete with quotations from asexual Germans; you can chat live with other German-speaking asexuals, view a list of regular meetups in major German cities, or browse a store full of AVEN merchandise, with such slogans as "Ich will alles ausser sex" ("I want everything except sex").
German AVEN is run by three admins, who split up duties such as site administration and handling visibility requests, and five moderators, who assist the admins in running the board. The German AVENites refer to English AVEN as a "mother ship" and use a lot of material that is translated from, or inspired by, English AVEN's content, but they also produce original German-language content.
German AVEN uses a slightly different definition of asexuality than English AVEN: their site defines an asexual as a person without desire for sexual interaction. "For Germans," explained Dirk Walter, an admin, in an interview, "the term 'sexual attraction' sounds somewhat less precise... but the German definition is also imprecise and can be understood incorrectly, which is largely caught in our texts and in the forum. The main point for me [is] the exchange between people – not the definition."
Community
German AVEN has more than 3,000 members, but most are inactive. Those members who do participate in the community have established strong relationships with each other, including friendships and romantic love. Like with English AVEN, some prominent members consider themselves sexual or questioning rather than asexual, and some have redefined sexuality to make it work for them.
Many German AVENites prize their site for being a place where asexual topics can be discussed openly.
"The real beauty of AVEN," said Walter, "is that every person interested in a polite and objective exchange on the topic is welcome here. AVEN has not created an asexual refuge, nor has it... excluded any sexuals, to the contrary, [it] has invited them to join the discussion."
As can be seen from the prominent meetup lists in their static content, many German AVENites also prize their ability to meet up in real life with like-minded people, asexual or not.
"An exchange for me means not only the reading of strung-together characters on a computer screen," said turtle, a moderator. "A face is commonly known to speak more than a thousand words."
Anja, another member who loves meetups, conceded that "the types of activities I had hoped and wished for never materialized. Most of the contact happens online in the forum and once a month there is a meetup in my city of Berlin for two, three hours. That for me is definitely insufficient."
Visibility
Before the founding of German AVEN, the term "asexuality" did not exist in German. But, like English AVEN, German AVEN often gets requests for interviews from print media and TV. The German AVENites also put together projects of their own, such as distributing their own flyers in public buildings. German AVEN is especially famous for its yearly appearances at Motzstrassenfest, the largest gay pride fair in Europe.
Unfortunately, many offers for media (especially television) coverage of German AVEN are never fulfilled, because many German AVENites are unwilling to come out publicly.
"In Germany," explained Maz, another admin, "we have a great deal of people who still associate the word 'asexual' with sick/abnormal/alone... At the same time, there exists a strong push toward individuality and it is very difficult for the Germans to associate a group identity with the term 'asexuality'.
"Asexuality is for us something very private and personal, about which one does not like to speak publicly and something that one keeps secret if possible. For example, almost all of our users, also those who go to regular or larger meetups, would be upset if someone were to 'out' them through symbols such as the AVEN triangle, or if other people could guess the reason for the meetup. The people who appear in public here are then almost all lone warriors."
"I wish that German asexuals can build a self-awareness similar to that of the American asexuals," said Walter. "In Germany, one is unfortunately still very shy when one is sexually non-heterosexual."
--
From the Forum
A selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN web site
It is an empowering idea, taking back the word "sex" and defining it according to your own personal makeup. Sure, the world at large might get a bit confused, but us asexies confuse the hell out of the world anyway. If "out there" is going to see sex, and a sexual relationship, as the pinnacle of special closeness, then it's a great idea to name your own variety of closeness as "sex".
I love being with someone special, as their exclusive and loving partner. I love cuddling, holding hands, gentle kissing, snuggling, caresses – but for me all those things aren't a prelude to making love, they are making love.
It is quite bizarre, but since joining AVEN I've never felt more "sexy" in my life! That is sexy as in gorgeous and desirable and lovable and a real catch for some lucky guy. I even bought a bit of pink clothing! (yoga top, thrift store). I've always shied away from dressing too "girly" because I knew I shouldn't be trying to attract anyone. Now... I'm out there. Come talk to me and we'll see what we can do!
Not quite a slut yet - I've always been a monogamous mongoose. But hey, everything changes!
- Freed_Spirit, Thursday May 24, "I'm an asexual slut, I think" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
I think it is too easy to focus on the negative.
The majority of asexuals would like to be in relationships of some sort - just not sexual ones.
Why not say that our attractions to other people are different from the norm, and are based on things other than sex, rather than say that they don't exist at all?
- GBRD143, Sunday June 3, "Spreading the word on asexuality..." in Visibility, Education, and Organizing
This is something I call "committed friendship" (there was a thread about it). I'm lucky to have one of those - the mutual understanding and feeling fully comfortable with the person sums it up for me. But I'm not the most important person for her (and neither she is for me) and I don't want to be. I think that would put too much pressure and I don't like the thought that someone is dependent on me or that I'm dependent on someone.
- La_Gioconda, Sunday June 10, "Impossible Bond?" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
AVEN posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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Prizelight
by DINDRANE
We shake hands, we talk a bit, and as I turn to go
You're looking at me, checking me out, as if you already know
What I can do for you, what need I can fill, the means to ends I could be
And though your eyes seem focused outwards, you're looking at you, not me.
Oh, I can see it boy, it's in your eyes, don't say another word.
You can talk real pretty, but nothing can smooth over what I've already heard.
All that remains for me to figure out is what it is that you want.
Sex? Status? Emotional needs? Just something with boobs to flaunt?
Please, sir, come tell me, what's the order of the day?
What can I get or do for you, what role shall I play?
I'm only here to fill a need, your eyes say, "yes, she might do."
I've become an object, or a sign, or a tool, now I'll never be a person to you.
Perhaps you're a loser, can't get a girl, so you'll take whatever comes your way.
Or perhaps you're insecure, with emotional needs to fill, since you were three when mommy went away?
Maybe you'd like to play daddy, the gallant hero, show this innocent the secrets of love?
Or maybe, just maybe, I'm the mythical "one," the nonexistent girl you're dreaming of?
Or maybe it's simpler, since I'm so naïve, maybe you'll fool me into sex?
Or do I have it wrong, is it just a matter of getting an A+ on your next big test?
But whatever it is, this need you've got, that you can't fill on your own,
it doesn't matter, 'cause I can fill it, and until I do, you won't leave me alone.
You'll follow me around like a retarded puppy (on my leg), giving it all you've got.
Because I can fill your needs, you know I can, whether I want to or not.
But what I want, it doesn't exist, it never occurs to you.
As far as you're concerned, as long as you're happy, well then, I must be too.
I've seen it all before, I know how it goes, skip the song and dance.
So just go ahead and ask me, prizelight shining in your eyes:
"You got a boyfriend?"
"No."
And you don't have a chance.
--
Featured AVENite: "Spinneret"
A personage from the forums that you'd like to get to know better
Name: Spin
Age: 22
Location: based in the Willamette Valley in Oregon, USA
Preferred Label(s): I like "queer."
Bio: I've been a member of AVEN since August 2005, and one of the first things I did was arrange a meetup of AVENites in the Pacific Northwest. There were five of us at our first meet, and since then we've had several more fantastic meetups large and small. Besides being super excited about meetups, I really enjoy helping out new members with questions. I'm interested in queer theory and community building, and I'm considering a thesis on the asexual movement when I go back for my Masters.
How she came to AVEN: I stumbled onto the term "asexuality" in late 2003. I joined AVEN a year and a half later, after thinking it over and talking to asexuals I found other places.
The most important thing about AVEN: The most important thing about asexual visibility is getting the message across that some people aren't sexually attracted to anyone, and we are not broken. It's working! More and more people I know acept my asexuality unblinkingly, or even volunteer the term "asexual" when I start to explain my orientation.
Advice for newcomers: Stick around, ask any questions, and don't feel pressure to commit to any label right away. AVEN is meant to be a supportive and openminded place, not an asexual treehouse. Everyone's welcome.
Other thoughts: You get out of AVEN what you put into AVEN, so don't be afraid to get to know people. I never would have imagined I could make such incredible friendships on an online messageboard. The hosting disaster last year, when we had to move the AVEN forums to a temporary backup messageboard for a while, only proved to me how strong the community we've built really is.
--
Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere. AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demisexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is a list of what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1500 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of the AVEN forums: If you're hanging out online and see a post that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition, tell us about it!
Reader responses: It only takes a few seconds to send us your take on the latest Food For Thought question, and if you have anything else to say to us, we love getting letters!
Art and photography: We normally use photos from AVEN meetups, but anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including.
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give AVENues' inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days.
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