AVENues Issue #16
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Carolyn Lamb
Oct 11, 2008, 2:18:29 PM10/11/08
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AVENues Issue #16 - Saturday, October 11, 2008 (text version posted to the AVENues Google group / RSS October 11, 2008)
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/avenues/2008_10_11.pdf
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Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A bimonthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
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Contents:
1. "The Magic Words: Focus On Relationships"
2. News
3. Food For Thought
4. From the Forum
5. Asexuals All Over
6. "It's Hip To Be Square"
7. Featured AVENite: "Shockwave"
8. Internet Spotlight
9. "Moonbeams"
10. Meetup Listings
The PDF version of this newsletter also contains a comic which is not available in text-only form.
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The Magic Words: Focus on Relationships
An excerpt from the blog by DAVID JAY
Last week I talked about how the relationship problems facing asexual people aren't all that bad because we can use language to solve them. By finding new ways to talk about relationships, we can greatly increase our options for forming them. I'm going to spend the next three posts talking about some of the language that I use.
Drop the words "friend" and "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" from your vocabulary. Use "relationship" instead.
The first and most important task in rephrasing relationships is getting rid of the binary. Describe a relationship as a "friendship" and people will make a set of assumptions about how important that relationship is in your life, how you feel about the person and what sort of commitments you've made to one another. Describe it as "romantic" and you'll get another set of assumptions. Personally, I've found that most of the time neither set of assumptions is very accurate. I'll form a new relationship that's exciting like a romantic crush, nonphysical like a friendship and structured like neither. When talking about the relationship, either to the person it's with or to other people, I want to jump out of these boxes. I want people to get a puzzled look on their faces and ask me what I mean so that I can have a chance to tell them.
Just using the word "relationship" does this beautifully. I use relationship in the broadest possible way, the dictionary definition of "a connection, association, or involvement." I have a relationship with my computer, the hydrogen and oxygen molecules in my glass of water have a relationship, and so does a nine-year-old and her multiplication tables. "Relationship" describes the full spectrum from friendship to romance and then some. It gives people almost no room to project false assumptions about what kind of relationship you're talking about, which is what you want.
You can think about this sort of language like a coloring book. When you say "friend" you get one page with a bunch of lines that you can shade and color in. If you don't have all the right colors or you want to draw a different picture then you're out of luck. When you say "romance" you get another page. When you just say "relationship" you get a blank page. You have to go to the trouble drawing your own lines, but you can draw them however you want, with whatever colors you and the other person have around and like the best.
That blank page can be a little intimidating. Stop right now and think about some of the most important friendships and romantic relationships in your life. Now, imagine describing those relationships without using the words "friend" or "romantic". What would be the most important information to convey about each relationship? How would you distinguish the relationships from one another? Are there common themes in how you would describe them? Getting rid of the binary forces you to generate a new language to replace it. This is good because the new language will much more accurately reflect how things work for you than the binary does. It's also challenging because you wind up thinking about relationships in a language that no one else speaks. Sometimes people will be happy to sit around while you go into long discussions of what makes your relationships unique, but most of the time you'll only have room for a few words of information. For your most important relationships it's important to figure out what these words are.
Relationships are not people.
The other reason I love the word "relationship" has to do with grammar. Friends, boyfriends and girlfriends are all types of people; relationships aren't. If I have a girlfriend then conceptually all that's going on is me and her. If I have a relationship with Bernice then there are conceptually two things going on: Bernice and the relationship. For me, separating these two makes things a lot clearer. I can feel respect and love for Bernice while at the same time feeling fear and excitement about our relationship. Bernice can stay more or less the same while our relationship changes radically, or vice versa.
Because I think about Bernice as "Ber-nice" and not "my girlfriend" it's easier to separate who she is and what she wants from the expectations I've placed on her. It's easy for me to see that there are im-portant parts of her that have nothing to do with her relationship with me; I can see that she is a complicated entity that I only understand one facet of, and I can appreciate that she's deserving of uncon-ditional love and respect (though not un-conditional time and energy).
Because I think about my relationship as a distinct entity I can appreciate all of the ways that it behaves like a relationship and not like a person. It exists to the ex-tent that both people are actively invested in it. It can be hurtful without either of the people involved in it being hurtful; it can go from extremely energetic to fairly mel-low without the people involved changing in any fundamental way. Usually it's easi-er to try to change a relationship than to try to change a person. It's one thing to say that I want Bernice to call me every day; it's another to say that I want to build the sort of relationship where we call each other every day. It's one thing to say that a person is hurting me and needs to stop; it's another to say that I am being hurt by my relationship with them and to try to envision ways that I can change that relationship.
I find it useful to separate people from relationships because it helps me draw general guidelines. People aren't fun-damentally more important than one another, but relationships can and should be prioritized. I can't control people (and generally shouldn't try), but I always have some control of my relationship with them. All people are deserving of fundamental respect, even if relationships with those people have serious problems.
"Focus on Relationships" is part of a series. To read other posts in the same series, visit the Love from the Asexual Underground blog at http://www.asexualunderground.blogspot.com/
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News
There's been a big wave of asexual visibility in the United Kingdom following the publi-cation of an article in The Guardian titled "We're Married, We Just Don't Have Sex". People who have contacted AVEN in the wake of this article include a journalist for the Southern Daily Echo in Southampton, Newstalk Radio in Ireland, the London Press Agency, BBC Radio 5, and a counse-ling psychologist in London who would like to write a doctoral thesis on asexuality. Meanwhile, asexuality has also shown up in the student newspaper of Sydney Universi-ty, on JJJ Radio in Australia, on the Italian debate show "Tatami", on a show about sex education on the U.K.'s Channel 4 (broad-cast before the Guardian article came out), on the faith-and-sexuality blog "God Made the Rainbow", in a short film from Vancou-ver, and in LGBT market research by Community Marketing. People still looking for interviews or still working on their pro-jects include a student in women's health is-sues in New Mexico, Semana Magazine in Columbia, a screenwriter in Los Angeles, the Tyra Banks Show in the United States, a Melbourne-based journalist writing a book on Australians' attitudes toward sex, the Australian edition of Cosmopolitan Maga-zine, Record TV in Brazil, the Perth Voice newspaper in Australia, and Grazia Maga-zine in India.
AVEN has elected a new Project Team, including new managers for the AVEN Store and the AVENwiki.
Oct. 12 has been declared AVED – Asexual Visibility and Education Day. On Oct. 12, students around the world will be helping out by distributing pamphlets, organizing lectures and talking to LGBTQ groups to educate people about asexuality.
AVEN's Tech Admin, Coleslaw, will be conducting two back-to-back lectures on asexuality at the University of British Co-lumbia on Oct. 23. Another AVENite, Zan-zibel, is writing material on asexuality to be included in the LGBT session of the fresh-man pack at her university in Liverpool.
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Food For Thought
Our Food For Thought question last issue (on the American court case Adams vs. Rice, which declared that the inability to have a sexual relationship was a disability) inspired a whole article! Look for that, plus a new question, in our next issue. In the meantime, if you have thoughts of your own on Adams vs. Rice, there's still time to send them in.
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From the Forum
A selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN website
Reality check for everyone who is doubtful that the show will go well:
We are different. We will be picked apart by therapists, sexperts, and tv talk show hosts. We will be picked apart by friends, relatives, teachers, and coworkers. We will be questioned, doubted, and misunderstood by millions. IF we don't do anything about it.
The point of going on talk shows, doing lectures, setting up booths at pride festivals, making and handing out brochures, is to EDUCATE.
I am not nervous of going on TV. I am not nervous of telling sensitive information to millions. I am nervous to remain in obscurity, constantly doubted and misunderstood, cast out for being different. Therefore, should I be able to go on, I will go on and do the best job I can, so I can educate people that We Exist and We Love Who We Are.
That is why I am willing to go on TV and risk being picked apart. In the end, we will STILL educate others.
- Cacille, Sunday August 24, "Tyra Banks Show!" in Announcements
I cuddle with some of my friends a lot (one especially) - sleepo-vers, movies, all that fun stuff. If I wanted to, I could tell them how much I love them in a song or poem (except that's not real-ly my thing, or his). If I wanted to, I could go out of my way to find something for my friends that they really like, and I could fill the house with candles & cook dinner for them. It honestly depends on the relationship and what the people are comforta-ble with. And that's the downside of labeling relationships as "friendship" and "romantic", I think - the terms come with so-cietal boundaries & limits & definitions as to what those types of relationships can involve.
But if I have a friend who I like to cuddle with, what's the big deal? Why do I have to worry about whether it's "technically" romantic or not? If we like to sing love songs to each other, that shouldn't be such an odd thing - but if we don't like to do that, it doesn't mean the relationship is any lesser for that. And hell, if I'm having sex with a friend(s), does that now have to mean that we have to rethink the label yet again? 'Cause I also really don't feel like calling the relationship "friends with benefits."
- ghosts, Monday September 15, "Anyone Rather a Best Friend than a Partner?" in Asexual Relationships
I don't feel socially handicapped at all. Sure, I don't date, but why that would cause me to be socially handicapped is ludicrous. I have a perfectly normal social life for the most part. I'm not a loner. I have lots of friends. I get out there and do things. I don't feel at all handicapped because of my asexuality. So what if I don't date? I'd rather be friends with guys than date them. I advance socially through my charming personality and wit (hahahaha) instead of through dating.
- GoAllyGoGo, Friday August 22, "asexuality as a social handicap" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
This has been an interesting discussion for me, thanks everyone for your ideas as they have helped me clarify my own feelings. Reading everyone's ideas and thinking about it, no, I don't want it repressed. I don't want people not talking about it at all and making repressive rules up to shut off and regulate a natural drive. I just want it to be put in (what I feel is.... your mileage may vary) its proper place - regarded as one of the many possible aspects there may be of a fulfilling relationship between two people who find one another special, and not the make or break aspect. I was talking about this discussion with my sexual husband last night and he said, "Money and sex - those are the two things we are told we can't do without, and must be chasing more and more of and better and better of all the time in order to be happy- why can't it be that we learn to be content with, make the most of, and enjoy what we've got?" I'm with him on that one...
I want my husband's physical response to me and mine to him to be our own exceptional thing, and not a re-creation of what porn - or Channel 4 programming or some magazine or newspaper - tells us we should be doing or must want! I think that's special and what everyone else deserves too.
- Melon, Thursday September 18, "When and why did the world get so sex-obsessed anyhow?" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
From the Forum posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily represent the official viewpoint of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. They have been reprinted with permission.
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Asexuals All Over
A selection of posts from all over the Internet
And then there are asexuals like me, who aren't sure whether they've ever experienced [sexual attraction] because they don't know how to define it, or know that they have but only ever feel it once or twice in so ma-ny years, or even if they feel it, still haven't felt any desire to act on it, ever, and don't value sexuality enough that they think it probable that they will in the future. I think determining asexuality is a little more complicated than just "Sexual attraction: ON/OFF." It's about the interplay of frequency and level of at-traction/desire, value placed on sexual activity, socie-tal influence/politics,
identification/disidentification, and probably other factors that I'm not thinking of right now (feel free to throw out suggestions, guys). Lack of sexual attraction is widely touted as the single factor uniting all asexuals, but that's not really true. The real factor that unites asexuals is identification, which is the result of all these other factors working together.
But I have problems with that idea, too, because it im-plies that if you don't identify as asexual at any point in you're life, then you're not asexual at that point. I've always been asexual. We have to keep in mind that these are terms used to describe ourselves, not terms that necessarily define ourselves. I've always known I wasn't interested in sex, but at different points in my life, my interpretation of that lack of inte-rest has changed. In my youth, I didn't consider it a significant factor in determining my orientation, but as I got older it became more and more a point of diffe-rence between myself and my peers, and as my mind-set "solidified," less and less likely that I would sud-denly become interested.
- The Gray Lady, Wednesday August 20, on the blog "Shades of Gray"
Just had to add... it seems the latent assumption of "tempo-rary asexuality" as something necessarily problematic is itself part of the mess. We're working within the frame-work that asexuality as a permanent and unchangeable state is a (necessary) condition for asexuality being recog-nised as legitimate. And sadly... because of people's reac-tions, in this political context, it really is-- people who stop being asexual can undermine the general opinion of asexuality as legitimate. But that in itself is the problem (any people who stop being asexual aren't the problem).
A couple years ago, my housemate pointed out that sexual people go through asexual (or less sexual) periods all the time; and that asexuality might be really useful in under-standing total human experience.
For a lot of us here, the asexuality part is all we know. And for some of us, it's not. (And for the less asexually-in-clined, it might not be known at all.) That doesn't make any of our experiences any less legitimate, or any less worthy of being recognised.
- Omnes et Nihil, Tuesday September 2, on Apositive.org
Another interesting thing was a group of people standing around a booth where an organization was performing floggings as a fundraiser. There was an announcer standing up, and he's trying to get the crowd involved. He yells,
"So, who's had sex in the last week?"
I was expecting cheers from most, but the group was pretty much silent.
"Come on, who's had sex in the last week?"
Still...mostly silence. But amusement from my direction.
- Ily, Sunday September 28, on the blog "Asexy Beast"
Statements featured in "Asexuals All Over" belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official viewpoints of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. They have been reprinted with permission.
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It's Hip To Be Square
by BLUE ICE-TEA
As a casual but interested fol-lower of the AVEN commu-nity, I've been troubled for a long time by what I see as a gap in the asexual vocabula-ry. "Asexual" is a very good word for describing people who "do not experience sexu-al attraction" in all their di-versity. But for all the term's openness, there are many for whom it does not apply. What about people who only experience sexual attraction rarely - call them semi-sexu-als, demi-sexuals, quasi-sexu-als, hypo-sexuals, gray-(/grey)-As, or whatever else you like? What about people who are still questioning, and haven't decided their sexuali-ty yet? And what about "sup-portive sexuals", sexual peo-ple who reject the sexuo-nor-mativity prevalent in society, who are open-minded enough to appreciate the non-sexual side of life and even admit to non-sexual feelings? All these people can be found in the AVEN community, but many more exist who are not AVENites.
So, if "asexual" is too narrow, and "AVENite" is re-stricted to people who have actually found and joined AVEN, is there any kind of collective term we could use to describe all of these different kinds of people? To find one I looked at the analogue from the LGBT community: "queer." "Queer" - originally a negative term - was appropriated first by homosexuals, then by others. Today, the term is so broad it can include anyone who rejects classi-cal, hetero-normative values. At this broadest point, it may even cover asexuals and their allies, and many do identify as queer. But I think the term is inadequate, because, though there are common-alities between the asexual and LGBT communi-ties, there are also important differences. While the queer movement generally pushes for more open-ness and acceptance of sex and sexuality, the asexu-al movement is more about down-playing sex, and emphasising all the other things that are wonderful about life. These drives, while not necessarily in conflict, do tend to lead in different directions. So I don't think asexuals et al. can simply be seen as a branch of queers. Or, if they are a branch, I think they deserve their own special name.
I've chosen the word "square," and here's why. Like "queer," "square" used to have a negative meaning. And that historical meaning in a way is connected with what the word means to-day. "Queer" means "strange" or "abnormal," and was used to refer to people with "abnormal" sexualities. "Square" on the other hand, means almost "abnormally normal." Dictio-nary.com defines it as "a person who is ignorant of or uninte-rested in current fads, ideas, manners, tastes, etc.; an old-fa-shioned, conventional, or conservative person." From the per-spective of the heteronormative ideal, queers and asexuals are two opposite extremes: those who desire too much sex (or the wrong kind of it) and those who don't desire sex at all (even the normal everyday kind). From this perspective, asexuals and their allies could definitely be seen as un-hip and stuffy.
I didn't just choose "square" for its pejorative value, though. My choice was also inspired by two songs: "Hip to be Square" by Huey Lewis and the News, and its Sesame Street parody, "Hip to be a Square," which turns the song from a satiric commentary on the "Me" decade into a celebration of diversity. Both songs - ironically and otherwise - are basically saying it's cool just to be yourself, whatever other people might think about you. I think it's a really positive message for people who have been stigmatised or ignored to hear that they can feel good about themselves, even if other people see them as weird.
So that's my suggestion for an umbrella term, mea-ning people who are asexual, semi-sexual, question-ing, or just supportive. And just to push it a little more, I wrote my own parody song. It's still called "Hip to be Square", and it's sung to the same tune, but I've turned it into a ballad about what "square" means to me, and why I'm happy to be it!
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I used to be a wannabe, just trying to fit in
But I was different from the rest, it seemed I couldn't win
See all my friends were real cool, we really got along
But when they talked about dating, well, I felt I did not belong
But now there is a movement, there's more like me out there
You might think it's crazy, but I don't even care
There's something new that's going on:
It's hip to be square
I like my guys in pullovers, I like public T.V.
I like to go out dancing, and I like to sit and read
Well I've been told that I'm a nerd, but I don't really care
'Cause even if this world is made up of round holes
There's one thing that this peg has learned:
It's hip to be square
It took a while to figure out, don't see it every day
People who aren't sex-obsessed, and think that that's OK
Now you might not believe it, you might not understand
But I'm just happy being exactly who I am
So you can call us crazy, you can say it's all hot air
But I'll just keep on singing it:
"It's hip to be square!"
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Featured AVENite: "Shockwave"
Name: Jeremy
Age: 36
Location: Somewhere around Portland, OR
Preferred Label(s): I'm not really fond of labels. I'm too fluid for them to fit for long.
Bio: I was born in Arizona, the youngest of 12 children, and raised mostly in Utah. I'm a follower of the Stoic school of philosophy, a school that has been around for 2,300 years. I came out as asexual and got involved in the community when I joined AVEN in June of 2004. Since then I have been a moderator, an administrator, and a member of the Project Team (twice). I also set up the current visibility shop, which I am now running again after a long hiatus. I have been interviewed for several magazine articles and TV programs but only got quoted in one - an article in Details Magazine a few years ago. I'm a happy person and enjoy my life, in spite of everything fate throws at me.
How he found AVEN: I Googled the word "asexual" and dug through several pages of biology sites until I found it. Shows how far we've come. Now it's one of the first sites [to show up in a Google search].
The most important thing about AVEN: I believe the most important thing is keeping the community united. It's hard to be taken seriously if we don't all work as a team. I remember the confusion when another site was using a different definition of "asexual" when talking to the press. Keeping AVEN as the hub of the community and using one clear definition will help us get our message across effectively.
Advice for newbies: If you're feeling frustrated at the sexuality in the world around you, it's OK. Stick around AVEN a while and once you start to get used to the idea that you're not alone it will get easier.
Other thoughts: AVEN is the most comfortable forum I have ever seen. I've looked at a few others and felt turned off by how graphically sexual they can be.
Besides his duties as Project Team member, Shockwave is also the admi-nistrator of a friendship-based forum called "Ace Linkup" and the au-thor of the blogs "Meanwhile, inside my head..." and "The Shock-Rave" as well as the webcomic "Amoebaville".
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Internet Spotlight
www.ace-book.net
Ace-book is a dating and networking site for asexuals only. It includes a free personals network called A-Date, as well as The A-Sylum, a forum where asexuals can trade off-the-wall jokes, political conversations, artistic works, and serious talk about asexuality. "Even though we tend to like cake better than sex," says the front page, "many of us are still interested in romance. Just because we're asexual doesn't mean we have to be lonely!"
http://willendork.wordpress.com/
"The Venus of Willendork" is the blog of Venus, a lesbian who has no desire for sex; although she does not currently identify as asexual, she has a lot to say about asexuality, feminism, body image, and the stresses she encounters at her Catholic university.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2204641049
"Asexuality" is a Facebook group for people who "just aren't interested in sex" and are "sick of all the sexually related groups on Facebook"; it encourages users to visit AVEN for a more thorough definition. With 440 members, it is the largest known asexual Facebook group (more than twice the size of the "official" AVEN group). The group has a relatively busy discussion board and is administrated by the AVENite Lady Heartilly.
http://www.geocities.com/decussationofthepyramids/index.html
The Frigidarium is an information-based website for "asexuals, non-sexuals, celibates, and antisexuals", as well as anybody else interested in the subject. It includes information on the definition of asexuality and some of the basic issues faced by asexuals, as well as discussion of two scientific studies.
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Moonbeams
by CARSONSPIRE
It's not that she did not worry
It's not that she did not care
But there she rode through the midnight skies
With moonbeams in her hair.
The first time she showed me the Darkness
Pointed right at it, right there
Gazed into its eyes with strength of a fortress
Had only her soul to bare.
I took her hands into my own
Fine fingers and skin so fair
Told her she would never travel alone
We had memories enough to share.
Long, deep, and hard she searched for intention
Lifetimes beyond the karma sown
She peered and considered, warily accepted
No longer she'd need to travel alone.
And so two beings: one dark, one light
Wove harmonies transcendent and rare.
One learned wisdom, the other delight
And both shook moonbeams from their hair.
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Meetup Listings
More and more asexual people from across the world are meeting each other through AVEN – not only online, but in real life, too. Here's a look at some of the most recent meetups and some upcoming meetups. To see more meetups, or to organize your own meetup, hop on over to the Meetup Mart section of the AVEN forums.
Saturday, August 16 - Afternoon meetup at the 3 Dollar Bill Cafe in San Francisco, California
August 16 - National UK Meet in Birmingham - some people stayed overnight to the 17th
August 24 - Meetup at 11 AM at CityWalk in Universal City, California
August 30 - Mini-meetup at Cambridge Pink Festival in the UK
September 13 - meetup at Wellcome Collection exhibition and Thames Festival in London, England
September 13 - dinner at Bardeco Restaurant in Montreal, Quebec
September 14 - dinner at Naam Restaurant in Vancouver, British Columbia
September 19 - mini-meetup in at Spud restaurant in Seattle, Washington
September 20 - meetup at the Phoenix Zoo in Arizona
September 21 - meetup at the Kirkland Waterfront in Seattle, Washington
September 26 - meetup at City Museum in St. Louis
October 3 - Bowling in Victoria, Australia
October 4 - London meet in a pub at noon, then Jack the Ripper Exhibition at Museum in Dockland
October 4 - Evening meet at Nuit Blanche in Toronto, Ontario
October 5 - Meetup in Albuquerque, New Mexico
October 7 - Mini-Meetup at the Harvard Film Archive in Boston, Massachusetts
October 23 - Meetup and lecture by Coleslaw on asexuality at University of British Columbia
October 25 – London meetup at Penderel's Oak
October 25 - proposed Sydney meetup at the Fair Trade Cafe
November 8/9 - proposed southwest UK meetup in Exeter
November 9 - proposed San Francisco meetup
November 15 - Northwest UK meetup in Manchester
November 22 - proposed Sydney meetup
December 6 - proposed London meetup with pub and skating
December 20 - proposed Sydney meetup
There are also "Office Hours" every Tuesday at 6:00 p.m. at the Granville Island Starbucks in Vancouver, British Columbia.
Note: If you do meet people from the Internet, please remember to be safe and meet in a public place. Tell some friends where you are going and when you expect to be back, and make sure you have taxi fare in case of an emergency.
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Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere. AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demi-sexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1500 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of AVEN and beyond: If you're hanging out online and see a quote that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition – no matter where from - then tell us about it!
Reader responses: We love getting letters, whether it's agreement with something, disagreement with something, questions, general comments, praise, curses, suggestions, or anything else you can throw at us!
Art and photography: Anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including, especially photos from AVEN meetups!
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give our inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days. In order to get your submission in the very next issue of AVENues, we'd like to receive it by Thursday, November 27, 2008.
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/avenues/2008_10_11.pdf
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Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A bimonthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
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Contents:
1. "The Magic Words: Focus On Relationships"
2. News
3. Food For Thought
4. From the Forum
5. Asexuals All Over
6. "It's Hip To Be Square"
7. Featured AVENite: "Shockwave"
8. Internet Spotlight
9. "Moonbeams"
10. Meetup Listings
The PDF version of this newsletter also contains a comic which is not available in text-only form.
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The Magic Words: Focus on Relationships
An excerpt from the blog by DAVID JAY
Last week I talked about how the relationship problems facing asexual people aren't all that bad because we can use language to solve them. By finding new ways to talk about relationships, we can greatly increase our options for forming them. I'm going to spend the next three posts talking about some of the language that I use.
Drop the words "friend" and "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" from your vocabulary. Use "relationship" instead.
The first and most important task in rephrasing relationships is getting rid of the binary. Describe a relationship as a "friendship" and people will make a set of assumptions about how important that relationship is in your life, how you feel about the person and what sort of commitments you've made to one another. Describe it as "romantic" and you'll get another set of assumptions. Personally, I've found that most of the time neither set of assumptions is very accurate. I'll form a new relationship that's exciting like a romantic crush, nonphysical like a friendship and structured like neither. When talking about the relationship, either to the person it's with or to other people, I want to jump out of these boxes. I want people to get a puzzled look on their faces and ask me what I mean so that I can have a chance to tell them.
Just using the word "relationship" does this beautifully. I use relationship in the broadest possible way, the dictionary definition of "a connection, association, or involvement." I have a relationship with my computer, the hydrogen and oxygen molecules in my glass of water have a relationship, and so does a nine-year-old and her multiplication tables. "Relationship" describes the full spectrum from friendship to romance and then some. It gives people almost no room to project false assumptions about what kind of relationship you're talking about, which is what you want.
You can think about this sort of language like a coloring book. When you say "friend" you get one page with a bunch of lines that you can shade and color in. If you don't have all the right colors or you want to draw a different picture then you're out of luck. When you say "romance" you get another page. When you just say "relationship" you get a blank page. You have to go to the trouble drawing your own lines, but you can draw them however you want, with whatever colors you and the other person have around and like the best.
That blank page can be a little intimidating. Stop right now and think about some of the most important friendships and romantic relationships in your life. Now, imagine describing those relationships without using the words "friend" or "romantic". What would be the most important information to convey about each relationship? How would you distinguish the relationships from one another? Are there common themes in how you would describe them? Getting rid of the binary forces you to generate a new language to replace it. This is good because the new language will much more accurately reflect how things work for you than the binary does. It's also challenging because you wind up thinking about relationships in a language that no one else speaks. Sometimes people will be happy to sit around while you go into long discussions of what makes your relationships unique, but most of the time you'll only have room for a few words of information. For your most important relationships it's important to figure out what these words are.
Relationships are not people.
The other reason I love the word "relationship" has to do with grammar. Friends, boyfriends and girlfriends are all types of people; relationships aren't. If I have a girlfriend then conceptually all that's going on is me and her. If I have a relationship with Bernice then there are conceptually two things going on: Bernice and the relationship. For me, separating these two makes things a lot clearer. I can feel respect and love for Bernice while at the same time feeling fear and excitement about our relationship. Bernice can stay more or less the same while our relationship changes radically, or vice versa.
Because I think about Bernice as "Ber-nice" and not "my girlfriend" it's easier to separate who she is and what she wants from the expectations I've placed on her. It's easy for me to see that there are im-portant parts of her that have nothing to do with her relationship with me; I can see that she is a complicated entity that I only understand one facet of, and I can appreciate that she's deserving of uncon-ditional love and respect (though not un-conditional time and energy).
Because I think about my relationship as a distinct entity I can appreciate all of the ways that it behaves like a relationship and not like a person. It exists to the ex-tent that both people are actively invested in it. It can be hurtful without either of the people involved in it being hurtful; it can go from extremely energetic to fairly mel-low without the people involved changing in any fundamental way. Usually it's easi-er to try to change a relationship than to try to change a person. It's one thing to say that I want Bernice to call me every day; it's another to say that I want to build the sort of relationship where we call each other every day. It's one thing to say that a person is hurting me and needs to stop; it's another to say that I am being hurt by my relationship with them and to try to envision ways that I can change that relationship.
I find it useful to separate people from relationships because it helps me draw general guidelines. People aren't fun-damentally more important than one another, but relationships can and should be prioritized. I can't control people (and generally shouldn't try), but I always have some control of my relationship with them. All people are deserving of fundamental respect, even if relationships with those people have serious problems.
"Focus on Relationships" is part of a series. To read other posts in the same series, visit the Love from the Asexual Underground blog at http://www.asexualunderground.blogspot.com/
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News
There's been a big wave of asexual visibility in the United Kingdom following the publi-cation of an article in The Guardian titled "We're Married, We Just Don't Have Sex". People who have contacted AVEN in the wake of this article include a journalist for the Southern Daily Echo in Southampton, Newstalk Radio in Ireland, the London Press Agency, BBC Radio 5, and a counse-ling psychologist in London who would like to write a doctoral thesis on asexuality. Meanwhile, asexuality has also shown up in the student newspaper of Sydney Universi-ty, on JJJ Radio in Australia, on the Italian debate show "Tatami", on a show about sex education on the U.K.'s Channel 4 (broad-cast before the Guardian article came out), on the faith-and-sexuality blog "God Made the Rainbow", in a short film from Vancou-ver, and in LGBT market research by Community Marketing. People still looking for interviews or still working on their pro-jects include a student in women's health is-sues in New Mexico, Semana Magazine in Columbia, a screenwriter in Los Angeles, the Tyra Banks Show in the United States, a Melbourne-based journalist writing a book on Australians' attitudes toward sex, the Australian edition of Cosmopolitan Maga-zine, Record TV in Brazil, the Perth Voice newspaper in Australia, and Grazia Maga-zine in India.
AVEN has elected a new Project Team, including new managers for the AVEN Store and the AVENwiki.
Oct. 12 has been declared AVED – Asexual Visibility and Education Day. On Oct. 12, students around the world will be helping out by distributing pamphlets, organizing lectures and talking to LGBTQ groups to educate people about asexuality.
AVEN's Tech Admin, Coleslaw, will be conducting two back-to-back lectures on asexuality at the University of British Co-lumbia on Oct. 23. Another AVENite, Zan-zibel, is writing material on asexuality to be included in the LGBT session of the fresh-man pack at her university in Liverpool.
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Food For Thought
Our Food For Thought question last issue (on the American court case Adams vs. Rice, which declared that the inability to have a sexual relationship was a disability) inspired a whole article! Look for that, plus a new question, in our next issue. In the meantime, if you have thoughts of your own on Adams vs. Rice, there's still time to send them in.
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From the Forum
A selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN website
Reality check for everyone who is doubtful that the show will go well:
We are different. We will be picked apart by therapists, sexperts, and tv talk show hosts. We will be picked apart by friends, relatives, teachers, and coworkers. We will be questioned, doubted, and misunderstood by millions. IF we don't do anything about it.
The point of going on talk shows, doing lectures, setting up booths at pride festivals, making and handing out brochures, is to EDUCATE.
I am not nervous of going on TV. I am not nervous of telling sensitive information to millions. I am nervous to remain in obscurity, constantly doubted and misunderstood, cast out for being different. Therefore, should I be able to go on, I will go on and do the best job I can, so I can educate people that We Exist and We Love Who We Are.
That is why I am willing to go on TV and risk being picked apart. In the end, we will STILL educate others.
- Cacille, Sunday August 24, "Tyra Banks Show!" in Announcements
I cuddle with some of my friends a lot (one especially) - sleepo-vers, movies, all that fun stuff. If I wanted to, I could tell them how much I love them in a song or poem (except that's not real-ly my thing, or his). If I wanted to, I could go out of my way to find something for my friends that they really like, and I could fill the house with candles & cook dinner for them. It honestly depends on the relationship and what the people are comforta-ble with. And that's the downside of labeling relationships as "friendship" and "romantic", I think - the terms come with so-cietal boundaries & limits & definitions as to what those types of relationships can involve.
But if I have a friend who I like to cuddle with, what's the big deal? Why do I have to worry about whether it's "technically" romantic or not? If we like to sing love songs to each other, that shouldn't be such an odd thing - but if we don't like to do that, it doesn't mean the relationship is any lesser for that. And hell, if I'm having sex with a friend(s), does that now have to mean that we have to rethink the label yet again? 'Cause I also really don't feel like calling the relationship "friends with benefits."
- ghosts, Monday September 15, "Anyone Rather a Best Friend than a Partner?" in Asexual Relationships
I don't feel socially handicapped at all. Sure, I don't date, but why that would cause me to be socially handicapped is ludicrous. I have a perfectly normal social life for the most part. I'm not a loner. I have lots of friends. I get out there and do things. I don't feel at all handicapped because of my asexuality. So what if I don't date? I'd rather be friends with guys than date them. I advance socially through my charming personality and wit (hahahaha) instead of through dating.
- GoAllyGoGo, Friday August 22, "asexuality as a social handicap" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
This has been an interesting discussion for me, thanks everyone for your ideas as they have helped me clarify my own feelings. Reading everyone's ideas and thinking about it, no, I don't want it repressed. I don't want people not talking about it at all and making repressive rules up to shut off and regulate a natural drive. I just want it to be put in (what I feel is.... your mileage may vary) its proper place - regarded as one of the many possible aspects there may be of a fulfilling relationship between two people who find one another special, and not the make or break aspect. I was talking about this discussion with my sexual husband last night and he said, "Money and sex - those are the two things we are told we can't do without, and must be chasing more and more of and better and better of all the time in order to be happy- why can't it be that we learn to be content with, make the most of, and enjoy what we've got?" I'm with him on that one...
I want my husband's physical response to me and mine to him to be our own exceptional thing, and not a re-creation of what porn - or Channel 4 programming or some magazine or newspaper - tells us we should be doing or must want! I think that's special and what everyone else deserves too.
- Melon, Thursday September 18, "When and why did the world get so sex-obsessed anyhow?" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
From the Forum posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily represent the official viewpoint of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. They have been reprinted with permission.
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Asexuals All Over
A selection of posts from all over the Internet
And then there are asexuals like me, who aren't sure whether they've ever experienced [sexual attraction] because they don't know how to define it, or know that they have but only ever feel it once or twice in so ma-ny years, or even if they feel it, still haven't felt any desire to act on it, ever, and don't value sexuality enough that they think it probable that they will in the future. I think determining asexuality is a little more complicated than just "Sexual attraction: ON/OFF." It's about the interplay of frequency and level of at-traction/desire, value placed on sexual activity, socie-tal influence/politics,
identification/disidentification, and probably other factors that I'm not thinking of right now (feel free to throw out suggestions, guys). Lack of sexual attraction is widely touted as the single factor uniting all asexuals, but that's not really true. The real factor that unites asexuals is identification, which is the result of all these other factors working together.
But I have problems with that idea, too, because it im-plies that if you don't identify as asexual at any point in you're life, then you're not asexual at that point. I've always been asexual. We have to keep in mind that these are terms used to describe ourselves, not terms that necessarily define ourselves. I've always known I wasn't interested in sex, but at different points in my life, my interpretation of that lack of inte-rest has changed. In my youth, I didn't consider it a significant factor in determining my orientation, but as I got older it became more and more a point of diffe-rence between myself and my peers, and as my mind-set "solidified," less and less likely that I would sud-denly become interested.
- The Gray Lady, Wednesday August 20, on the blog "Shades of Gray"
Just had to add... it seems the latent assumption of "tempo-rary asexuality" as something necessarily problematic is itself part of the mess. We're working within the frame-work that asexuality as a permanent and unchangeable state is a (necessary) condition for asexuality being recog-nised as legitimate. And sadly... because of people's reac-tions, in this political context, it really is-- people who stop being asexual can undermine the general opinion of asexuality as legitimate. But that in itself is the problem (any people who stop being asexual aren't the problem).
A couple years ago, my housemate pointed out that sexual people go through asexual (or less sexual) periods all the time; and that asexuality might be really useful in under-standing total human experience.
For a lot of us here, the asexuality part is all we know. And for some of us, it's not. (And for the less asexually-in-clined, it might not be known at all.) That doesn't make any of our experiences any less legitimate, or any less worthy of being recognised.
- Omnes et Nihil, Tuesday September 2, on Apositive.org
Another interesting thing was a group of people standing around a booth where an organization was performing floggings as a fundraiser. There was an announcer standing up, and he's trying to get the crowd involved. He yells,
"So, who's had sex in the last week?"
I was expecting cheers from most, but the group was pretty much silent.
"Come on, who's had sex in the last week?"
Still...mostly silence. But amusement from my direction.
- Ily, Sunday September 28, on the blog "Asexy Beast"
Statements featured in "Asexuals All Over" belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official viewpoints of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. They have been reprinted with permission.
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It's Hip To Be Square
by BLUE ICE-TEA
As a casual but interested fol-lower of the AVEN commu-nity, I've been troubled for a long time by what I see as a gap in the asexual vocabula-ry. "Asexual" is a very good word for describing people who "do not experience sexu-al attraction" in all their di-versity. But for all the term's openness, there are many for whom it does not apply. What about people who only experience sexual attraction rarely - call them semi-sexu-als, demi-sexuals, quasi-sexu-als, hypo-sexuals, gray-(/grey)-As, or whatever else you like? What about people who are still questioning, and haven't decided their sexuali-ty yet? And what about "sup-portive sexuals", sexual peo-ple who reject the sexuo-nor-mativity prevalent in society, who are open-minded enough to appreciate the non-sexual side of life and even admit to non-sexual feelings? All these people can be found in the AVEN community, but many more exist who are not AVENites.
So, if "asexual" is too narrow, and "AVENite" is re-stricted to people who have actually found and joined AVEN, is there any kind of collective term we could use to describe all of these different kinds of people? To find one I looked at the analogue from the LGBT community: "queer." "Queer" - originally a negative term - was appropriated first by homosexuals, then by others. Today, the term is so broad it can include anyone who rejects classi-cal, hetero-normative values. At this broadest point, it may even cover asexuals and their allies, and many do identify as queer. But I think the term is inadequate, because, though there are common-alities between the asexual and LGBT communi-ties, there are also important differences. While the queer movement generally pushes for more open-ness and acceptance of sex and sexuality, the asexu-al movement is more about down-playing sex, and emphasising all the other things that are wonderful about life. These drives, while not necessarily in conflict, do tend to lead in different directions. So I don't think asexuals et al. can simply be seen as a branch of queers. Or, if they are a branch, I think they deserve their own special name.
I've chosen the word "square," and here's why. Like "queer," "square" used to have a negative meaning. And that historical meaning in a way is connected with what the word means to-day. "Queer" means "strange" or "abnormal," and was used to refer to people with "abnormal" sexualities. "Square" on the other hand, means almost "abnormally normal." Dictio-nary.com defines it as "a person who is ignorant of or uninte-rested in current fads, ideas, manners, tastes, etc.; an old-fa-shioned, conventional, or conservative person." From the per-spective of the heteronormative ideal, queers and asexuals are two opposite extremes: those who desire too much sex (or the wrong kind of it) and those who don't desire sex at all (even the normal everyday kind). From this perspective, asexuals and their allies could definitely be seen as un-hip and stuffy.
I didn't just choose "square" for its pejorative value, though. My choice was also inspired by two songs: "Hip to be Square" by Huey Lewis and the News, and its Sesame Street parody, "Hip to be a Square," which turns the song from a satiric commentary on the "Me" decade into a celebration of diversity. Both songs - ironically and otherwise - are basically saying it's cool just to be yourself, whatever other people might think about you. I think it's a really positive message for people who have been stigmatised or ignored to hear that they can feel good about themselves, even if other people see them as weird.
So that's my suggestion for an umbrella term, mea-ning people who are asexual, semi-sexual, question-ing, or just supportive. And just to push it a little more, I wrote my own parody song. It's still called "Hip to be Square", and it's sung to the same tune, but I've turned it into a ballad about what "square" means to me, and why I'm happy to be it!
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I used to be a wannabe, just trying to fit in
But I was different from the rest, it seemed I couldn't win
See all my friends were real cool, we really got along
But when they talked about dating, well, I felt I did not belong
But now there is a movement, there's more like me out there
You might think it's crazy, but I don't even care
There's something new that's going on:
It's hip to be square
I like my guys in pullovers, I like public T.V.
I like to go out dancing, and I like to sit and read
Well I've been told that I'm a nerd, but I don't really care
'Cause even if this world is made up of round holes
There's one thing that this peg has learned:
It's hip to be square
It took a while to figure out, don't see it every day
People who aren't sex-obsessed, and think that that's OK
Now you might not believe it, you might not understand
But I'm just happy being exactly who I am
So you can call us crazy, you can say it's all hot air
But I'll just keep on singing it:
"It's hip to be square!"
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Featured AVENite: "Shockwave"
Name: Jeremy
Age: 36
Location: Somewhere around Portland, OR
Preferred Label(s): I'm not really fond of labels. I'm too fluid for them to fit for long.
Bio: I was born in Arizona, the youngest of 12 children, and raised mostly in Utah. I'm a follower of the Stoic school of philosophy, a school that has been around for 2,300 years. I came out as asexual and got involved in the community when I joined AVEN in June of 2004. Since then I have been a moderator, an administrator, and a member of the Project Team (twice). I also set up the current visibility shop, which I am now running again after a long hiatus. I have been interviewed for several magazine articles and TV programs but only got quoted in one - an article in Details Magazine a few years ago. I'm a happy person and enjoy my life, in spite of everything fate throws at me.
How he found AVEN: I Googled the word "asexual" and dug through several pages of biology sites until I found it. Shows how far we've come. Now it's one of the first sites [to show up in a Google search].
The most important thing about AVEN: I believe the most important thing is keeping the community united. It's hard to be taken seriously if we don't all work as a team. I remember the confusion when another site was using a different definition of "asexual" when talking to the press. Keeping AVEN as the hub of the community and using one clear definition will help us get our message across effectively.
Advice for newbies: If you're feeling frustrated at the sexuality in the world around you, it's OK. Stick around AVEN a while and once you start to get used to the idea that you're not alone it will get easier.
Other thoughts: AVEN is the most comfortable forum I have ever seen. I've looked at a few others and felt turned off by how graphically sexual they can be.
Besides his duties as Project Team member, Shockwave is also the admi-nistrator of a friendship-based forum called "Ace Linkup" and the au-thor of the blogs "Meanwhile, inside my head..." and "The Shock-Rave" as well as the webcomic "Amoebaville".
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Internet Spotlight
www.ace-book.net
Ace-book is a dating and networking site for asexuals only. It includes a free personals network called A-Date, as well as The A-Sylum, a forum where asexuals can trade off-the-wall jokes, political conversations, artistic works, and serious talk about asexuality. "Even though we tend to like cake better than sex," says the front page, "many of us are still interested in romance. Just because we're asexual doesn't mean we have to be lonely!"
http://willendork.wordpress.com/
"The Venus of Willendork" is the blog of Venus, a lesbian who has no desire for sex; although she does not currently identify as asexual, she has a lot to say about asexuality, feminism, body image, and the stresses she encounters at her Catholic university.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2204641049
"Asexuality" is a Facebook group for people who "just aren't interested in sex" and are "sick of all the sexually related groups on Facebook"; it encourages users to visit AVEN for a more thorough definition. With 440 members, it is the largest known asexual Facebook group (more than twice the size of the "official" AVEN group). The group has a relatively busy discussion board and is administrated by the AVENite Lady Heartilly.
http://www.geocities.com/decussationofthepyramids/index.html
The Frigidarium is an information-based website for "asexuals, non-sexuals, celibates, and antisexuals", as well as anybody else interested in the subject. It includes information on the definition of asexuality and some of the basic issues faced by asexuals, as well as discussion of two scientific studies.
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Moonbeams
by CARSONSPIRE
It's not that she did not worry
It's not that she did not care
But there she rode through the midnight skies
With moonbeams in her hair.
The first time she showed me the Darkness
Pointed right at it, right there
Gazed into its eyes with strength of a fortress
Had only her soul to bare.
I took her hands into my own
Fine fingers and skin so fair
Told her she would never travel alone
We had memories enough to share.
Long, deep, and hard she searched for intention
Lifetimes beyond the karma sown
She peered and considered, warily accepted
No longer she'd need to travel alone.
And so two beings: one dark, one light
Wove harmonies transcendent and rare.
One learned wisdom, the other delight
And both shook moonbeams from their hair.
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Meetup Listings
More and more asexual people from across the world are meeting each other through AVEN – not only online, but in real life, too. Here's a look at some of the most recent meetups and some upcoming meetups. To see more meetups, or to organize your own meetup, hop on over to the Meetup Mart section of the AVEN forums.
Saturday, August 16 - Afternoon meetup at the 3 Dollar Bill Cafe in San Francisco, California
August 16 - National UK Meet in Birmingham - some people stayed overnight to the 17th
August 24 - Meetup at 11 AM at CityWalk in Universal City, California
August 30 - Mini-meetup at Cambridge Pink Festival in the UK
September 13 - meetup at Wellcome Collection exhibition and Thames Festival in London, England
September 13 - dinner at Bardeco Restaurant in Montreal, Quebec
September 14 - dinner at Naam Restaurant in Vancouver, British Columbia
September 19 - mini-meetup in at Spud restaurant in Seattle, Washington
September 20 - meetup at the Phoenix Zoo in Arizona
September 21 - meetup at the Kirkland Waterfront in Seattle, Washington
September 26 - meetup at City Museum in St. Louis
October 3 - Bowling in Victoria, Australia
October 4 - London meet in a pub at noon, then Jack the Ripper Exhibition at Museum in Dockland
October 4 - Evening meet at Nuit Blanche in Toronto, Ontario
October 5 - Meetup in Albuquerque, New Mexico
October 7 - Mini-Meetup at the Harvard Film Archive in Boston, Massachusetts
October 23 - Meetup and lecture by Coleslaw on asexuality at University of British Columbia
October 25 – London meetup at Penderel's Oak
October 25 - proposed Sydney meetup at the Fair Trade Cafe
November 8/9 - proposed southwest UK meetup in Exeter
November 9 - proposed San Francisco meetup
November 15 - Northwest UK meetup in Manchester
November 22 - proposed Sydney meetup
December 6 - proposed London meetup with pub and skating
December 20 - proposed Sydney meetup
There are also "Office Hours" every Tuesday at 6:00 p.m. at the Granville Island Starbucks in Vancouver, British Columbia.
Note: If you do meet people from the Internet, please remember to be safe and meet in a public place. Tell some friends where you are going and when you expect to be back, and make sure you have taxi fare in case of an emergency.
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Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere. AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demi-sexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1500 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of AVEN and beyond: If you're hanging out online and see a quote that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition – no matter where from - then tell us about it!
Reader responses: We love getting letters, whether it's agreement with something, disagreement with something, questions, general comments, praise, curses, suggestions, or anything else you can throw at us!
Art and photography: Anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including, especially photos from AVEN meetups!
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give our inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days. In order to get your submission in the very next issue of AVENues, we'd like to receive it by Thursday, November 27, 2008.
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