AVENues Issue #7
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Carolyn Lamb
May 14, 2007, 12:58:33 PM5/14/07
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AVENues Issue #7 - Saturday, May 12, 2007 (text version posted to the AVENues Google group / RSS May 14, 2007)
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/home/images/stories/newsletter/05_12_07.pdf
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Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A monthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to further showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
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Contents:
1. "Why didn't I just stay in Narnia? The perils of life outside the closet"
2. News from March/April
3. "Notes from the 18th Congress of the World Association for Sexual Health"
4. Food For Thought
5. "Pamphlets: Making the Face of AVEN"
6. From the Forum
7. Recipe: Death by Chocolate Mousse
8. "A Minority's Perspective"
9. Featured AVENite: M51
10. "Mix Tape = Love"
The PDF version of this newsletter also includes a crossword and photos that are not available in text-only form.
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Why didn't I just stay in Narnia?
The Perils of Life Outside the Closet
by STUPENDOUS SAM
Upon discovering their true sexual orientation, some asexuals are gobsmacked and relieved. The relief comes from finally figuring out what that seemingly ineffable difference between them and the sexual population of the world is. An exhilarating roller coaster ride of self discovery follows for these individuals:
"Who am I, what am I, and why didn't anyone tell me about this before?"
At some point the ceiling-gazing, belly button-examining, and soul-searching come to an end, and once the asexual's feet has found solid ground again, life continues. For some, the status quo has not really changed at all. For others, the urge to come out glitters like fool's gold in an inaccessible mountain stream. The reasons to come out are not all that many. Some want to be accepted by their nearest and dearest. Others want to light the proverbial hurricane lamp to guide those who follow. Whatever the reason, the long trek out of Narnia begins.
The road forward is littered with pitfalls, mostly the people who happen to be in the vicinity when the hapless asexual stumbles out of the closet. All possible outcomes eventually boils down to two conclusions; Eureka or Headdesk.
Sometimes the process of coming out reaches its conclusion quickly and you find yourself feeling a little surprised, like when you climb up a staircase and step high when you've already reached the top. Other times the process is as long and arduous as getting to the 30th floor when the elevator is out of order. In cases such as these, certain questions are likely to crop up. They might not, but it helps to be prepared.
"You're a what?"
This is the first question you must be ready for when you break the news. Asexuality is rare and very few have heard of it before, so you will have to explain. Starting with the definition on the homepage of AVEN will give you credibility and backup, but be prepared to be met with blank, uncomprehending stares.
At this point, launch into a more detailed explanation. No matter how carefully you choose your words, the next question will most likely be an incredulous:
"So you don't like sex?"
Pause for a moment. Contemplate the discussions that happen on AVEN, those about sexual attraction vs. emotional attraction, the difference between sexual attraction and sex drive, masturbation. Do you really want to explain all that? No one will blame you if you simply say "No, I don't".
Congratulations! You have crossed the first and most difficult hurdle: coming out. From here on onwards, everything is about explaining asexuality, if an explanation is needed at all. If it is, you will soon find out because you will be immersed a torrent of questions that might seem a little overwhelming at first. Ride the wave; there is no going back at this point.
"Maybe you're a late bloomer?"
If you're still young, try something about not living in the Victorian age anymore and that you're allowed to explore your sexuality or lack thereof.
If you're older, let's say over 25 (no particular reason, make it 23 or 45 if you like), point out that you've done your waiting, often with a lot of agonising over why you were so different from everybody else and why the world just didn't seem to make sense. Explain that you've moved on, for sanity's sake.
"Maybe it's just a phase?"
Phases have beginnings and endings and people know this but you might have to remind them. Point out that this particular "phase" seems to be lacking in both. If even puberty with its hormone-induced roller coaster rides couldn't rouse you, what could?
"Have you had sex?"
This is pretty much a lose-lose situation from your point of view. If you don't answer it, be assured that they will jump to their own conclusions.
If you say "No" be prepared for the inevitable: "How do you know if you haven't tried it?" Because. I. Don't. Want. It. Most teenagers are raring to have sex, despite the awkwardness. No matter how carefully you explain this, there will be someone who will label you as an innocent virgin at this point, goodness knows why. Why is sex the boundary between innocence and corruption? Leave this discussion for later; now is not the time to get sidetracked.
If you answer "Yes," you will not be spared either. At this point "The One" is mentioned - "The One" as in, "Maybe you haven't met the right one yet." Despite all evidence indicating otherwise, many people still firmly believe in "The One." How long do they expect you to wait for this "One" to pitch up? Will he or she be riding a white steed and wearing shiny armour?
"Maybe you're gay?"
It can be hard to grasp the concept of not finding anybody sexually attractive. Keep explaining, patiently, that whether you are gay or not You. Still. Don't. Want. Sex.
At this point, it might be necessary to explain that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are different things from an asexual's point of view. You might decide to reveal all the interes-ting options (homo-asexual, hetero-asexual, and bi-asexual) of romantic attraction. Doing so might clarify things: or confound – it's your call.
"Maybe it's your conservative upbringing?"
All around the world, people with conservative upbringings are having sex, guiltily perhaps, but definitely having sex. Remind them of this.
"Maybe you're emotionally afraid?"
The most constructive way forward is to point out the difference between sexual attraction and emotional attrac-tion, if you haven't already done so.
And that is more or less it. Aside from being prepared for these questions, you need buckets full of patience, the eloquence of a really good politician and a skin as thick as rhino hide.
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News from March and April
After receiving feedback about the current set of AVEN pamphlets, the AVEN Project Team is now in the process of fixing and redesigning them. Stay tuned for a new crop of much-improved AVEN pamphlets for your visibility needs.
One new feature of AVEN this month is the weekly AVEN Digest. As AVEN expands, it gets more difficult to keep track of everything that goes on in the forums, so important visibility-related events and discussions will be indexed every week in a special thread in the Announcements forum. As well as listing the sort of news items that would appear in this section of AVENues, AVEN Digest will also give quick links to everything from discussions about forum policy to new issues of asexual-relevant publications.
20/20 New Zealand is still looking for New Zealand asexuals and hasn't found any who are willing to appear on television. If you are in New Zealand, your help is needed!
Big Mouth Films is also looking for asexuals in the New York / tri-state area for a documentary on asexuality.
UK AVENites will be at National Student Pride at the University of Manchester on June 16th.
U.S. AVENites did a presentation on asexuality at Hofstra University in March.
Radio CJSW Calgary hosted a discussion on asexuality in its "UrbanSex" segment in April.
To help offset server costs, AVEN is now accepting PayPal donations of up to $10/month.
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Notes from the 18th Congress of the World Association for Sexual Health/1st World Congress for Sexual Health, Sydney, April 15-19 2007.
by ECHIDNA
This was an international conference for more than 1,000 delegates from a variety of professions related to sexual health. (Sexual health covers all aspects of sex and sexuality, not just sexually transmitted diseases and sexual disorders.) The delegates included sex therapists, sexual health clinicians, ob/gyn consultants, people involved in the development and delivery of sex/sexuality education programmes and academics studying various aspects of sexuality in society or the medicine of sexual disorders.
All the delegates received a bag containing the programme and vari-ous leaflets. One of these leaflets was from AVEN. The Web address was on one side and the other side had a series of bullet points cove-ring the key points about asexuality ( i.e. the AVEN definition of asexu-als, and the difference between ase-xuality, celibacy, and Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder). The final bullet point said AVEN encourages discussion and research, and the bottom of the leaflet featured the question "What do you think?" The leaflet was intended to inform people about what asexuality means, to suggest that this should be recognised as a sexual orienta-tion, and to encourage people to think about the implications of asexuality for their work. I also left business cards bearing the AVEN Web address on tables in the exhibition hall and a surprising number of these (more than 100) were taken. I wore a t-shirt with the Web address on it and several people approached me as a result.
The programme is at the conference website: www.sexo-sydney-2007.com. There was only one presentation on asexuality, but I attended lots of others on relevant topics ( e.g. HSDD, sexuality education, relationships, and interaction between biology and psychology in sexual functioning). I talked to quite a few presenters about how their work related to asexuality and also spoke about asexuality with as many people around the conference as I could. Apart from having interesting general conversations, my 'mission' was 1) to explain what asexuality is, 2) to point out that there is a lot of diversity amongst asexuals, as within other orientations, 3) to convey why it is important for professionals to have a mindset which does not pathologise lack of sexual attraction, and 4) to convey why it is important for society to recognise asexuality as an orientation rather than just "leave us to get on with not having sex". Everyone I spoke to was friendly and seemed interested in talking to me. It was really nice to be welcomed to such a forum. These are the key observations / conclusions from the conversations I had:
1) Few people were using the word asexual in the same way as AVEN. They were either unsure of what it meant, used it to mean people who aren't sexually active for whatever reason (e.g. low desire due to depression, inability due to medical conditions, for religious reasons) or used it to mean people who never engage in any sexual activity (therefore excluding people who masturbate).
2) Everyone either agreed that it was biologically plausible for people not to experience sexual attraction (even if they thought this would only apply to a tiny minority), or they actually knew someone they thought fits the description but hadn't identified as asexual.
3) Everyone agreed that asexuals don't need to be diagnosed with a disorder (as you'd hope!), but they often hadn't thought about how the lack of awareness of asexuality can itself cause problems.
4) People varied in whether they thought a label was needed to describe people who don't experience sexual attraction. Some recognised that it is difficult to talk about something without a word to describe it and that people who don't experience sexual attraction could feel isolated if they don't relate to the prevailing sexuality discourse ( i.e. you are hetero-, homo- or bi-sexual and if you don't experience attraction you have a disorder). However, others were inclined toward the "let's embrace diversity and don't apply labels" view. My argument against this is that you don't have to apply labels to individual people but you need a word out there to talk about the phenomenon in general.
5) I believe we need to work particularly hard to a) clear up confusion arising from our adoption of the word asexual and b) move from professionals vaguely agreeing with the concept of asexuality to actively recognising it as an orientation in their work.
I think communicating with professionals is really important: Therapists and sexual health workers should know about asexuality so they can distinguish and appropriately treat asexuals and people who are suffering from disorders. Academics conducting research will help us understand ourselves and help society understand us. Since policy-makers and the media rely on these academics as "experts", they have a significant influence on how society views asexuals. This complements the excellent popular-media and university/LGBT-outreach work that I read about in the AVEN fora. I think it would be really good for AVEN to have a presence at future conferences and engage with the various relevant professional societies.
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Food For Thought
Last issue, we asked our readers the following question:
What do you find attractive in other people?
Some of the responses we got are listed below.
Looks and appearance don't matter to me. Though it's a bit cliché, it's true that the inside counts. I also like a person who is respectful and doesn't slam me for my values of atheism or being a straight asexual girl. A bonus for that person would be if they were a cat person like me, but no two people have the exact same interests. I would like that person (provided that they were nice) regardless of not having everything in common with me.
- Schiar88
The two things I find most attractive are probably talent and an affectionate nature. Affectionate people are a lot nicer and more enjoyable to be around, and talented people give me something to aspire to and challenge myself against.
- sonofzeal
Looks aren't that important to me when it comes to people. It's their personality that's most important. I'd rather be with people who are kind, funny, understanding, and respectful than people who could be on the cover of some magazine but who are shallow jerks. As friends or as significant others, it's who the person is that matters most, and that makes me decide if I am attracted or not.
- Anonymous
This month, we have a new question for you:
What makes you sure of your orientation? Can you ever really be sure? What advice would you give to someone who is not sure if they are asexual or not?
Send your answers to newsl...@asexuality.org. Please put "Food for Thought" in the subject line and indicate the name or nickname under which you would like to be credited.
Food for Thought answers belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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Pamphlets: Making the Face of AVEN
by STUPENDOUS SAM
Recently, the AVEN Project Team (members of AVEN who work on projects that range from visibility promotion to making AVEN more user friendly) decided that AVEN's pamphlets on asexuality needed to be redesigned. The old pamphlet contained pictures of AVEN members that were no longer active and perhaps some people hoped that the new pamphlet would be perfect.
The pamphlet is in many cases people's first introduction to asexuality and so it forms the basis of their impression of asexuality. As such, the pamphlet needs to be easy to understand, concise and representative of all asexuals. How does one represent more than 10,000 people on a piece of paper?
Trip, a member of the project team, volunteered for the project and enlisted the help of Neurovore and Cacille, other project team members. She requested feedback and photos from members of AVEN and responded to what feedback she got. Unfortunately, that wasn't much. A deadline was fast approaching so she needed to finalise the pamphlets and print them.
It was only after the pamphlets went through a first round of printing and distribution that feedback came from AVEN members. KBRD143, an administrator of AVEN, posted a reply to the pamphlet thread on the AVEN Project Team forum stating that the pamphlet needed editing. He felt that there were grammatical errors and that the content presented a confusing image at times of what asexuality was.
He was merely the beginning. Others came out of the woodwork and started a discussion about the pamphlet and its content on the Visibility, Education and Organizing forum. Trip also organised a public meeting and a second meeting for project team members. Finally Trip got the feedback she had asked for weeks earlier.
Many concerns arose at these discus-sions about the pamphlet. GRBD143 pointed out that the AVEN logo as it was presented on the pamphlet had lost its initial meaning (the bottom corner is black that gently fades into white towards the top to represent all the shades of sexuality) and the layout of the pamphlet needed changing. Sonofzeal and others said that many of the people to whom he showed the pamphlet remarked that it initially looked like a pamphlet advocating abstinence. Along with this, the pamphlet had a very heteronormative feel, which is not what AVEN promotes.
Some of the concerns were easily addressed. The project team simply left out statistics on asexuality because they did not contribute significantly to the pamphlet and change too often to be of use. A member also fixed the AVEN logo. There were more problems with the layout and proofreading. The project team decided that these would be solved best by obtaining professional assistance. And as Trip pointed out, there was no sense in proofreading text that would have to be changed many times before the completion of the pamphlet.
The inclusion of masturbation in the pamphlet bothered quite a few AVENites. As Cacille pointed out, the question about whether or not asexuals masturbate is one of the top five questions people ask when they hear about asexuality. This is why Trip included a section on it in the new pamphlet. KBRD143 was the first to say that it is a complicated topic and that it would most likely confuse readers. As the discussion continued, people said that it was likely some potential readers would equate masturbation with the desire to have sex, and lastly that it was a very rude invasion of privacy to ask this question in the first place. Trip removed mention of masturbation from the pamphlet and instead decided to make the distinction between sexual attraction and arousal.
The heteronormativity of the pamphlet was one of the problems that proved more difficult to solve. Heteronor-mativity is the belief or assumption that heterosexuality is the most normal or moral or superior sexual orienta-tion. The majority of the pictures in the pamphlet depic-ted male - female couples; the colour scheme was blue and salmon, easily mistaken for pink, and the pamphlet did not explicitly state that the other orientations (homo, bi, aromantic) were options for asexuals.
The colour scheme and content were problems that could be solved. Trip removed the salmon, leaving the pamphlet blue and with careful rewording, the pamphlet became more representative of AVEN's diversity. The pamphlet was already gender neutral which was a good starting point. In a meeting, project team members decided to explicitly state the presence of non-hetero asexuals; a quote by a lesbian asexual helped to remove the feel of heteronormativity from the pamphlet.
The photos however, were a bigger problem. Trip repeatedly tried to elicit photos from the AVEN community and got a very feeble response. When she tried to contact specific individuals, she was met with polite refusal. That left her very little to work with and most people felt that stock photos were not acceptable. With the exception of pictures of Ajayyyy and ChildOfTheLight, that left her with pictures of white straight individuals and couples.
This problem came to light in the discussions about the pamphlet. Finally, people stepped forward. Omnes et Nihil volunteered to pose in front of a rainbow flag, KBRD143 offered to pose in a picture with a male friend, and ChildOfTheLight decided to have a better picture taken of himself in female clothing. Some suggested that photos could be left out all together but the pamphlet included photographs in the first place in order to humanise asexuals. To quote ChildOfTheLight, "the appeal of having pictures is that it instantly disproves the notion that asexuals are just ugly people who can't get any."
The title of the new pamphlet ("Sex? No, not for me") also caused some problems. This, and the heteronormative content, suggested that the pamphlet was promoting abstinence. In the meeting, project team members decided to change this title to the definition of asexuality instead.
As of press time, the pamphlets have not yet been finished. It is the end of the academic term for many of the contributors and time is in short supply. On top of that, there is a lot of useful feedback to which to respond and this will take time. Much of the tension around the pamphlets has been resolved because people have had the opportunity to contribute constructively to the creative process and the pamphlet is becoming more representative, eloquent and professional.
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From The Forum
A selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN Web site
I've been really obsessed with people in the past - obsessed in a way that, on the surface, implied that I was head over heels in love with them. Yes I knew I 'loved' them - but it was more an 'intellectual adoration' - I felt the 'love' in my head, not my heart or my body. They were a role-model, an idol, a muse, an inspiration - I didn't want to be in a relationship with them, I just wanted to get to know them deeply so I could ask them questions and use them as an inspiration for my own artistic development. I always thought they were the most beautiful person I'd ever seen, which others would immediately assume meant I was physically attracted to them. But it wasn't that! It was more like they were just so beautiful, I wanted to draw them or base characters in stories upon them. They interested me to no end, and I would have loved to have known them on a closer basis. I found whenever I saw them, I felt my most creative. Considering I'm dedicating my life to the arts, this was like a gift from God! But the time comes when you realise that they are people and unless you 'catch' them, they drift away... Surely the only way of catching them isn't becoming their gf/bf??
- Monami, Monday April 2, "love vs inspiration?" in Asexual Relationships
I started to clue in that I was asexual when I was at a party where we were eating AMAZING tiramisu. Everyone was blissing out and I did a quick survey "who thinks that was better than sex" ..... uh, just me apparently. I am very grateful to that tiramisu; it helped lead me to AVEN. And it was yummy too.
- Freed_Spirit, Monday April 16, "Preferring Chocolate to Sex is now Mainstream" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
And now the soapbox. Granted, some aces are perfectly content remaining aloof, and that's cool. But for those of us who want to make friends, let's make friends! We can run from ambiguous social situations and lock ourselves in our rooms, pounding away at our computer keyboards, deconstructing society's muddleheaded construals of love until we're blue in the face, or we can get out there and prove them wrong in real time. The most subversive thing we can do is to live and love boldly on our own terms and show the world that asexuals can have rich and fulfilling social lives outside the restrictive stereotypes.
So let's get out there and live the dream! Who's with me?
- birdnerd, Tuesday Aprril 10, "A stereotype" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
I'm one of those who doesn't use terms like "romantic relationship" or "romantic attraction" when describing relationships, but that doesn't mean my relationships aren't as intense or loving or committed etc than people who are in exclusive relationships that they refer to as "romantic."
For some, the idea that you can go "beyond" friendship, or that something is "more" than friendship, just doesn't work for them because they take their friendships very seriously, and they love just as deeply. It's not always as clear as you might think.
- ghosts, Friday April 27, "Romantic vs. Platnoic" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
AVEN posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarially express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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A Minority's Perspective
by JEWEL_BOX552
You say I have another thing coming,
You insist my ideas will change,
That some irresistible epiphany will stroll my way.
You can call me a cynic,
You can call me cold-hearted,
But I know that's not the path for me
With its misogynistic standards.
You tell me it's just a phase,
Perhaps brought on by teenage angst,
But I can reply with no guilt
That this is the happiest I've ever been.
And while it's true that sometimes I wonder
If I'm not meant for a life of solitude,
All I ask is that you forgive me
For not wanting to be just like you.
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Death by Chocolate Mousse
(submitted by LADYCATSYCHAN – from: http://allrecipes.com/)
INGREDIENTS
21 chocolate sandwich cookies, crushed
1/4 cup butter, softened
1 cup heavy cream
1 (12 ounce) package semisweet chocolate chips
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 pinch salt
2 cups heavy cream
1/4 cup white sugar
1 cup heavy cream, chilled
1/4 cup white sugar
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Generously grease a 9 inch springform pan with 2 3/4 inch sides.
In a medium bowl, mix together crushed cookies and softened butter or margarine. Press mixture evenly into greased pan. Bake in preheated oven for 5 minutes, then allow to cool.
Combine 1 cup cream, chocolate, vanilla extract, and salt in the top of a double boiler. Heat until chocolate is fully melted and mixture is smooth. Alternatively, if you have a food processor, you can blend the mixture by placing chocolate, vanilla extract, and salt in processor bowl. Bring 1 cup cream to a boil on stovetop, then slowly pour cream into processor with blade running. Continue to process until mixture is smooth.
Pour chocolate mixture into a bowl and cool to room temperature, stirring occasionally.
In a large bowl, beat 2 cups chilled cream with 1/4 cup sugar. Beat until stiff peaks form. Fold whipped cream into chocolate mixture. Pour mixture into cooled crust.
Chill pie at least 6 hours before serving. Prior to serving, beat remaining 1 cup cream with 1/4 cup sugar. Beat until stiff, then pipe onto top of pie with a star tip, or place a spoonful on top of each slice.
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Featured AVENite: "M51"
A personage from the forums that you'd like to get to know better
Name: M51
Age: 28
Location: My house is in North Carolina, but I travel a lot.
Preferred Label(s): Asexual. Currently debating romantic or aromantic status.
Bio: I first started visiting AVEN in August of 2004, but at the time my then-husband visited the site more often than me so I felt uncomfortable posting. In March of 2005, once our divorce was final, I decided that I had every right to post freely in the biggest and best forum on the Internet for people like me: asexuals. So despite concerns about my ex-husband reading my posts, I hesitantly started making a presence. I seem to go through cycles where I will visit primarily Just For Fun, then the next month hit the politics and hot topics, and perhaps the next month greet as many newbies as I can. My favorite topics center around discovering as many patterns and common experiences as I can among asexuals, and I love discussing and trying to describe our experiences to explore as many facets of human intimacy – sexual and non-sexual – as I can wrap my mind around.
Off AVEN, I am in the military, I love to skydive and I love my two cats. I don't feel I can commit to formal visibility projects because of my military duties, but when I get out I hope to come out publicly and work for visibility any way I can.
How she came to AVEN: My then-husband found AVEN, and he immediately recognized me in the description of "asexual". Unfortunately he mistook AVEN for some sort of cure - maybe like alcoholics anonymous, only "asexuals anonymous". Boy, was he ever wrong. Unfortunately he could never bring himself to accept my orientation; he is now my ex-husband. But I am much more comfortable in my identity as asexual now than I was when I tried to pretend to be sexual for so many years.
The most important thing about AVEN: I think the most important goal of visibility is to reach out to other asexuals who don't realize that asexuality is an option, and to let them know that it is okay to be asexual (assuming there are no other problems that cause the asexuality). I was so miserable trying to be sexual against my nature; it pains me to know there are thousands – even millions, maybe – of people out there struggling to understand and accept themselves. Educating sexuals is also very important, as it is much harder to understand and accept yourself when others deny that your experience is valid.
Advice for newcomers: Be true to yourself. If you don't want to do something, don't do it, or at least take the time to figure out why you don't like it, so that if you end up compromising you are making an educated decision. If you don't like labels, don't worry about trying to apply them to yourself. A lot of newcomers seem to think they need to slap a label on themselves right away, or swear allegiance to asexuality in order to be accepted at AVEN. Not true! You can try labels on and discard them as much as you like – they are your labels, and AVEN will accept you no matter which ones you do or do not embrace. The important thing is discovering, understanding, and accepting yourself, and being true to that, whatever it may be.
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Mix Tape = Love
by ILY
Back in the bad old days when I was an unemployed insomniac, I cultivated some hobbies. One of these was making mix CDs based on a variety of moods and situations. Looking back through the archive, I found a mix called "Asexy/Sexy". "Side A" (I'm old school, it's a curse) was songs that had asexual themes. "Side B" was my favorite songs about sex, because balance is a good thing. Especially on two sides of a hypothetical record. Side A started with Scotland's cuddliest export outside of nice cashmere: Belle and Sebastian. Their song "Marx and Engels" is, to my knowledge, one of the most overtly asexual songs in the world. About a strange girl who would rather read a Marx and Engels book than get hit on in a laundromat, I think it hits home with more than a few of us. Then there's also the perennial asexual favorite The Smiths, with "William, It Was Really Nothing", mostly for the great line, "I don't dream about anyone…except myself." "What Do I Get" by the Buzzcocks was also on there. I think it expresses pretty well the strange netherworld that many asexuals find themselves in relationship-wise. And the beginning of the live version: "This is a love song!" — classic. Then there is the Oxford Collapse, a band that earned my respect for bootlegging its own CD to send it to college radio. It's one of the best late-night albums I own—so as a former insomniac, you can imagine it is close to my heart. "The Boys Go Home" is subtly asexy. Finishing up Side A is "Rotterdam" by The Wedding Present. I still don't know what this song is about, but the lines "I wanted you, but not the way you think" is something many asexual folks can relate to…and I just love The Wedding Present. And I named my cat after Steve Albini. Really did.
Side B starts out with "Promiscuous" by Nelly Furtado. Okay, it's a bit poptastic, but everything Timbaland touches seems to turn to awesome. I tried to avoid this song, and it wormed its way into my ears and heart like all good pop songs do. Then, of course, there is "Little Red Corvette" by Prince. I think everyone, regardless of orientation, can come to a consensus that this song pretty much is sex. Finishing up the CD (I know, it's short, but if I could write this much about an 8-song CD, imagine your horror at reading my comments on a 15-song one) is "SpottieOttieDopalicious" by some of my favorite musicians in the known universe, Outkast. A great song to end any mix. When I can tell something is sexy, that pretty much means that it's sexy. And that's the whole CD. I'd like to think that at this point, I finally fell asleep.
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Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere. AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demi-sexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is a list of what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1500 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of the AVEN forums: If you're hanging out online and see a post that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition, tell us about it!
Reader responses: It only takes a few seconds to send us your take on the latest Food For Thought question, and if you have anything else to say to us, we love getting letters!
Art and photography: We normally use photos from AVEN meetups, but anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including.
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give AVENues' inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days.
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/home/images/stories/newsletter/05_12_07.pdf
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Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A monthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to further showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
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Contents:
1. "Why didn't I just stay in Narnia? The perils of life outside the closet"
2. News from March/April
3. "Notes from the 18th Congress of the World Association for Sexual Health"
4. Food For Thought
5. "Pamphlets: Making the Face of AVEN"
6. From the Forum
7. Recipe: Death by Chocolate Mousse
8. "A Minority's Perspective"
9. Featured AVENite: M51
10. "Mix Tape = Love"
The PDF version of this newsletter also includes a crossword and photos that are not available in text-only form.
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Why didn't I just stay in Narnia?
The Perils of Life Outside the Closet
by STUPENDOUS SAM
Upon discovering their true sexual orientation, some asexuals are gobsmacked and relieved. The relief comes from finally figuring out what that seemingly ineffable difference between them and the sexual population of the world is. An exhilarating roller coaster ride of self discovery follows for these individuals:
"Who am I, what am I, and why didn't anyone tell me about this before?"
At some point the ceiling-gazing, belly button-examining, and soul-searching come to an end, and once the asexual's feet has found solid ground again, life continues. For some, the status quo has not really changed at all. For others, the urge to come out glitters like fool's gold in an inaccessible mountain stream. The reasons to come out are not all that many. Some want to be accepted by their nearest and dearest. Others want to light the proverbial hurricane lamp to guide those who follow. Whatever the reason, the long trek out of Narnia begins.
The road forward is littered with pitfalls, mostly the people who happen to be in the vicinity when the hapless asexual stumbles out of the closet. All possible outcomes eventually boils down to two conclusions; Eureka or Headdesk.
Sometimes the process of coming out reaches its conclusion quickly and you find yourself feeling a little surprised, like when you climb up a staircase and step high when you've already reached the top. Other times the process is as long and arduous as getting to the 30th floor when the elevator is out of order. In cases such as these, certain questions are likely to crop up. They might not, but it helps to be prepared.
"You're a what?"
This is the first question you must be ready for when you break the news. Asexuality is rare and very few have heard of it before, so you will have to explain. Starting with the definition on the homepage of AVEN will give you credibility and backup, but be prepared to be met with blank, uncomprehending stares.
At this point, launch into a more detailed explanation. No matter how carefully you choose your words, the next question will most likely be an incredulous:
"So you don't like sex?"
Pause for a moment. Contemplate the discussions that happen on AVEN, those about sexual attraction vs. emotional attraction, the difference between sexual attraction and sex drive, masturbation. Do you really want to explain all that? No one will blame you if you simply say "No, I don't".
Congratulations! You have crossed the first and most difficult hurdle: coming out. From here on onwards, everything is about explaining asexuality, if an explanation is needed at all. If it is, you will soon find out because you will be immersed a torrent of questions that might seem a little overwhelming at first. Ride the wave; there is no going back at this point.
"Maybe you're a late bloomer?"
If you're still young, try something about not living in the Victorian age anymore and that you're allowed to explore your sexuality or lack thereof.
If you're older, let's say over 25 (no particular reason, make it 23 or 45 if you like), point out that you've done your waiting, often with a lot of agonising over why you were so different from everybody else and why the world just didn't seem to make sense. Explain that you've moved on, for sanity's sake.
"Maybe it's just a phase?"
Phases have beginnings and endings and people know this but you might have to remind them. Point out that this particular "phase" seems to be lacking in both. If even puberty with its hormone-induced roller coaster rides couldn't rouse you, what could?
"Have you had sex?"
This is pretty much a lose-lose situation from your point of view. If you don't answer it, be assured that they will jump to their own conclusions.
If you say "No" be prepared for the inevitable: "How do you know if you haven't tried it?" Because. I. Don't. Want. It. Most teenagers are raring to have sex, despite the awkwardness. No matter how carefully you explain this, there will be someone who will label you as an innocent virgin at this point, goodness knows why. Why is sex the boundary between innocence and corruption? Leave this discussion for later; now is not the time to get sidetracked.
If you answer "Yes," you will not be spared either. At this point "The One" is mentioned - "The One" as in, "Maybe you haven't met the right one yet." Despite all evidence indicating otherwise, many people still firmly believe in "The One." How long do they expect you to wait for this "One" to pitch up? Will he or she be riding a white steed and wearing shiny armour?
"Maybe you're gay?"
It can be hard to grasp the concept of not finding anybody sexually attractive. Keep explaining, patiently, that whether you are gay or not You. Still. Don't. Want. Sex.
At this point, it might be necessary to explain that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are different things from an asexual's point of view. You might decide to reveal all the interes-ting options (homo-asexual, hetero-asexual, and bi-asexual) of romantic attraction. Doing so might clarify things: or confound – it's your call.
"Maybe it's your conservative upbringing?"
All around the world, people with conservative upbringings are having sex, guiltily perhaps, but definitely having sex. Remind them of this.
"Maybe you're emotionally afraid?"
The most constructive way forward is to point out the difference between sexual attraction and emotional attrac-tion, if you haven't already done so.
And that is more or less it. Aside from being prepared for these questions, you need buckets full of patience, the eloquence of a really good politician and a skin as thick as rhino hide.
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News from March and April
After receiving feedback about the current set of AVEN pamphlets, the AVEN Project Team is now in the process of fixing and redesigning them. Stay tuned for a new crop of much-improved AVEN pamphlets for your visibility needs.
One new feature of AVEN this month is the weekly AVEN Digest. As AVEN expands, it gets more difficult to keep track of everything that goes on in the forums, so important visibility-related events and discussions will be indexed every week in a special thread in the Announcements forum. As well as listing the sort of news items that would appear in this section of AVENues, AVEN Digest will also give quick links to everything from discussions about forum policy to new issues of asexual-relevant publications.
20/20 New Zealand is still looking for New Zealand asexuals and hasn't found any who are willing to appear on television. If you are in New Zealand, your help is needed!
Big Mouth Films is also looking for asexuals in the New York / tri-state area for a documentary on asexuality.
UK AVENites will be at National Student Pride at the University of Manchester on June 16th.
U.S. AVENites did a presentation on asexuality at Hofstra University in March.
Radio CJSW Calgary hosted a discussion on asexuality in its "UrbanSex" segment in April.
To help offset server costs, AVEN is now accepting PayPal donations of up to $10/month.
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Notes from the 18th Congress of the World Association for Sexual Health/1st World Congress for Sexual Health, Sydney, April 15-19 2007.
by ECHIDNA
This was an international conference for more than 1,000 delegates from a variety of professions related to sexual health. (Sexual health covers all aspects of sex and sexuality, not just sexually transmitted diseases and sexual disorders.) The delegates included sex therapists, sexual health clinicians, ob/gyn consultants, people involved in the development and delivery of sex/sexuality education programmes and academics studying various aspects of sexuality in society or the medicine of sexual disorders.
All the delegates received a bag containing the programme and vari-ous leaflets. One of these leaflets was from AVEN. The Web address was on one side and the other side had a series of bullet points cove-ring the key points about asexuality ( i.e. the AVEN definition of asexu-als, and the difference between ase-xuality, celibacy, and Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder). The final bullet point said AVEN encourages discussion and research, and the bottom of the leaflet featured the question "What do you think?" The leaflet was intended to inform people about what asexuality means, to suggest that this should be recognised as a sexual orienta-tion, and to encourage people to think about the implications of asexuality for their work. I also left business cards bearing the AVEN Web address on tables in the exhibition hall and a surprising number of these (more than 100) were taken. I wore a t-shirt with the Web address on it and several people approached me as a result.
The programme is at the conference website: www.sexo-sydney-2007.com. There was only one presentation on asexuality, but I attended lots of others on relevant topics ( e.g. HSDD, sexuality education, relationships, and interaction between biology and psychology in sexual functioning). I talked to quite a few presenters about how their work related to asexuality and also spoke about asexuality with as many people around the conference as I could. Apart from having interesting general conversations, my 'mission' was 1) to explain what asexuality is, 2) to point out that there is a lot of diversity amongst asexuals, as within other orientations, 3) to convey why it is important for professionals to have a mindset which does not pathologise lack of sexual attraction, and 4) to convey why it is important for society to recognise asexuality as an orientation rather than just "leave us to get on with not having sex". Everyone I spoke to was friendly and seemed interested in talking to me. It was really nice to be welcomed to such a forum. These are the key observations / conclusions from the conversations I had:
1) Few people were using the word asexual in the same way as AVEN. They were either unsure of what it meant, used it to mean people who aren't sexually active for whatever reason (e.g. low desire due to depression, inability due to medical conditions, for religious reasons) or used it to mean people who never engage in any sexual activity (therefore excluding people who masturbate).
2) Everyone either agreed that it was biologically plausible for people not to experience sexual attraction (even if they thought this would only apply to a tiny minority), or they actually knew someone they thought fits the description but hadn't identified as asexual.
3) Everyone agreed that asexuals don't need to be diagnosed with a disorder (as you'd hope!), but they often hadn't thought about how the lack of awareness of asexuality can itself cause problems.
4) People varied in whether they thought a label was needed to describe people who don't experience sexual attraction. Some recognised that it is difficult to talk about something without a word to describe it and that people who don't experience sexual attraction could feel isolated if they don't relate to the prevailing sexuality discourse ( i.e. you are hetero-, homo- or bi-sexual and if you don't experience attraction you have a disorder). However, others were inclined toward the "let's embrace diversity and don't apply labels" view. My argument against this is that you don't have to apply labels to individual people but you need a word out there to talk about the phenomenon in general.
5) I believe we need to work particularly hard to a) clear up confusion arising from our adoption of the word asexual and b) move from professionals vaguely agreeing with the concept of asexuality to actively recognising it as an orientation in their work.
I think communicating with professionals is really important: Therapists and sexual health workers should know about asexuality so they can distinguish and appropriately treat asexuals and people who are suffering from disorders. Academics conducting research will help us understand ourselves and help society understand us. Since policy-makers and the media rely on these academics as "experts", they have a significant influence on how society views asexuals. This complements the excellent popular-media and university/LGBT-outreach work that I read about in the AVEN fora. I think it would be really good for AVEN to have a presence at future conferences and engage with the various relevant professional societies.
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Food For Thought
Last issue, we asked our readers the following question:
What do you find attractive in other people?
Some of the responses we got are listed below.
Looks and appearance don't matter to me. Though it's a bit cliché, it's true that the inside counts. I also like a person who is respectful and doesn't slam me for my values of atheism or being a straight asexual girl. A bonus for that person would be if they were a cat person like me, but no two people have the exact same interests. I would like that person (provided that they were nice) regardless of not having everything in common with me.
- Schiar88
The two things I find most attractive are probably talent and an affectionate nature. Affectionate people are a lot nicer and more enjoyable to be around, and talented people give me something to aspire to and challenge myself against.
- sonofzeal
Looks aren't that important to me when it comes to people. It's their personality that's most important. I'd rather be with people who are kind, funny, understanding, and respectful than people who could be on the cover of some magazine but who are shallow jerks. As friends or as significant others, it's who the person is that matters most, and that makes me decide if I am attracted or not.
- Anonymous
This month, we have a new question for you:
What makes you sure of your orientation? Can you ever really be sure? What advice would you give to someone who is not sure if they are asexual or not?
Send your answers to newsl...@asexuality.org. Please put "Food for Thought" in the subject line and indicate the name or nickname under which you would like to be credited.
Food for Thought answers belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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Pamphlets: Making the Face of AVEN
by STUPENDOUS SAM
Recently, the AVEN Project Team (members of AVEN who work on projects that range from visibility promotion to making AVEN more user friendly) decided that AVEN's pamphlets on asexuality needed to be redesigned. The old pamphlet contained pictures of AVEN members that were no longer active and perhaps some people hoped that the new pamphlet would be perfect.
The pamphlet is in many cases people's first introduction to asexuality and so it forms the basis of their impression of asexuality. As such, the pamphlet needs to be easy to understand, concise and representative of all asexuals. How does one represent more than 10,000 people on a piece of paper?
Trip, a member of the project team, volunteered for the project and enlisted the help of Neurovore and Cacille, other project team members. She requested feedback and photos from members of AVEN and responded to what feedback she got. Unfortunately, that wasn't much. A deadline was fast approaching so she needed to finalise the pamphlets and print them.
It was only after the pamphlets went through a first round of printing and distribution that feedback came from AVEN members. KBRD143, an administrator of AVEN, posted a reply to the pamphlet thread on the AVEN Project Team forum stating that the pamphlet needed editing. He felt that there were grammatical errors and that the content presented a confusing image at times of what asexuality was.
He was merely the beginning. Others came out of the woodwork and started a discussion about the pamphlet and its content on the Visibility, Education and Organizing forum. Trip also organised a public meeting and a second meeting for project team members. Finally Trip got the feedback she had asked for weeks earlier.
Many concerns arose at these discus-sions about the pamphlet. GRBD143 pointed out that the AVEN logo as it was presented on the pamphlet had lost its initial meaning (the bottom corner is black that gently fades into white towards the top to represent all the shades of sexuality) and the layout of the pamphlet needed changing. Sonofzeal and others said that many of the people to whom he showed the pamphlet remarked that it initially looked like a pamphlet advocating abstinence. Along with this, the pamphlet had a very heteronormative feel, which is not what AVEN promotes.
Some of the concerns were easily addressed. The project team simply left out statistics on asexuality because they did not contribute significantly to the pamphlet and change too often to be of use. A member also fixed the AVEN logo. There were more problems with the layout and proofreading. The project team decided that these would be solved best by obtaining professional assistance. And as Trip pointed out, there was no sense in proofreading text that would have to be changed many times before the completion of the pamphlet.
The inclusion of masturbation in the pamphlet bothered quite a few AVENites. As Cacille pointed out, the question about whether or not asexuals masturbate is one of the top five questions people ask when they hear about asexuality. This is why Trip included a section on it in the new pamphlet. KBRD143 was the first to say that it is a complicated topic and that it would most likely confuse readers. As the discussion continued, people said that it was likely some potential readers would equate masturbation with the desire to have sex, and lastly that it was a very rude invasion of privacy to ask this question in the first place. Trip removed mention of masturbation from the pamphlet and instead decided to make the distinction between sexual attraction and arousal.
The heteronormativity of the pamphlet was one of the problems that proved more difficult to solve. Heteronor-mativity is the belief or assumption that heterosexuality is the most normal or moral or superior sexual orienta-tion. The majority of the pictures in the pamphlet depic-ted male - female couples; the colour scheme was blue and salmon, easily mistaken for pink, and the pamphlet did not explicitly state that the other orientations (homo, bi, aromantic) were options for asexuals.
The colour scheme and content were problems that could be solved. Trip removed the salmon, leaving the pamphlet blue and with careful rewording, the pamphlet became more representative of AVEN's diversity. The pamphlet was already gender neutral which was a good starting point. In a meeting, project team members decided to explicitly state the presence of non-hetero asexuals; a quote by a lesbian asexual helped to remove the feel of heteronormativity from the pamphlet.
The photos however, were a bigger problem. Trip repeatedly tried to elicit photos from the AVEN community and got a very feeble response. When she tried to contact specific individuals, she was met with polite refusal. That left her very little to work with and most people felt that stock photos were not acceptable. With the exception of pictures of Ajayyyy and ChildOfTheLight, that left her with pictures of white straight individuals and couples.
This problem came to light in the discussions about the pamphlet. Finally, people stepped forward. Omnes et Nihil volunteered to pose in front of a rainbow flag, KBRD143 offered to pose in a picture with a male friend, and ChildOfTheLight decided to have a better picture taken of himself in female clothing. Some suggested that photos could be left out all together but the pamphlet included photographs in the first place in order to humanise asexuals. To quote ChildOfTheLight, "the appeal of having pictures is that it instantly disproves the notion that asexuals are just ugly people who can't get any."
The title of the new pamphlet ("Sex? No, not for me") also caused some problems. This, and the heteronormative content, suggested that the pamphlet was promoting abstinence. In the meeting, project team members decided to change this title to the definition of asexuality instead.
As of press time, the pamphlets have not yet been finished. It is the end of the academic term for many of the contributors and time is in short supply. On top of that, there is a lot of useful feedback to which to respond and this will take time. Much of the tension around the pamphlets has been resolved because people have had the opportunity to contribute constructively to the creative process and the pamphlet is becoming more representative, eloquent and professional.
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From The Forum
A selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN Web site
I've been really obsessed with people in the past - obsessed in a way that, on the surface, implied that I was head over heels in love with them. Yes I knew I 'loved' them - but it was more an 'intellectual adoration' - I felt the 'love' in my head, not my heart or my body. They were a role-model, an idol, a muse, an inspiration - I didn't want to be in a relationship with them, I just wanted to get to know them deeply so I could ask them questions and use them as an inspiration for my own artistic development. I always thought they were the most beautiful person I'd ever seen, which others would immediately assume meant I was physically attracted to them. But it wasn't that! It was more like they were just so beautiful, I wanted to draw them or base characters in stories upon them. They interested me to no end, and I would have loved to have known them on a closer basis. I found whenever I saw them, I felt my most creative. Considering I'm dedicating my life to the arts, this was like a gift from God! But the time comes when you realise that they are people and unless you 'catch' them, they drift away... Surely the only way of catching them isn't becoming their gf/bf??
- Monami, Monday April 2, "love vs inspiration?" in Asexual Relationships
I started to clue in that I was asexual when I was at a party where we were eating AMAZING tiramisu. Everyone was blissing out and I did a quick survey "who thinks that was better than sex" ..... uh, just me apparently. I am very grateful to that tiramisu; it helped lead me to AVEN. And it was yummy too.
- Freed_Spirit, Monday April 16, "Preferring Chocolate to Sex is now Mainstream" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
And now the soapbox. Granted, some aces are perfectly content remaining aloof, and that's cool. But for those of us who want to make friends, let's make friends! We can run from ambiguous social situations and lock ourselves in our rooms, pounding away at our computer keyboards, deconstructing society's muddleheaded construals of love until we're blue in the face, or we can get out there and prove them wrong in real time. The most subversive thing we can do is to live and love boldly on our own terms and show the world that asexuals can have rich and fulfilling social lives outside the restrictive stereotypes.
So let's get out there and live the dream! Who's with me?
- birdnerd, Tuesday Aprril 10, "A stereotype" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
I'm one of those who doesn't use terms like "romantic relationship" or "romantic attraction" when describing relationships, but that doesn't mean my relationships aren't as intense or loving or committed etc than people who are in exclusive relationships that they refer to as "romantic."
For some, the idea that you can go "beyond" friendship, or that something is "more" than friendship, just doesn't work for them because they take their friendships very seriously, and they love just as deeply. It's not always as clear as you might think.
- ghosts, Friday April 27, "Romantic vs. Platnoic" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
AVEN posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarially express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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A Minority's Perspective
by JEWEL_BOX552
You say I have another thing coming,
You insist my ideas will change,
That some irresistible epiphany will stroll my way.
You can call me a cynic,
You can call me cold-hearted,
But I know that's not the path for me
With its misogynistic standards.
You tell me it's just a phase,
Perhaps brought on by teenage angst,
But I can reply with no guilt
That this is the happiest I've ever been.
And while it's true that sometimes I wonder
If I'm not meant for a life of solitude,
All I ask is that you forgive me
For not wanting to be just like you.
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Death by Chocolate Mousse
(submitted by LADYCATSYCHAN – from: http://allrecipes.com/)
INGREDIENTS
21 chocolate sandwich cookies, crushed
1/4 cup butter, softened
1 cup heavy cream
1 (12 ounce) package semisweet chocolate chips
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 pinch salt
2 cups heavy cream
1/4 cup white sugar
1 cup heavy cream, chilled
1/4 cup white sugar
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Generously grease a 9 inch springform pan with 2 3/4 inch sides.
In a medium bowl, mix together crushed cookies and softened butter or margarine. Press mixture evenly into greased pan. Bake in preheated oven for 5 minutes, then allow to cool.
Combine 1 cup cream, chocolate, vanilla extract, and salt in the top of a double boiler. Heat until chocolate is fully melted and mixture is smooth. Alternatively, if you have a food processor, you can blend the mixture by placing chocolate, vanilla extract, and salt in processor bowl. Bring 1 cup cream to a boil on stovetop, then slowly pour cream into processor with blade running. Continue to process until mixture is smooth.
Pour chocolate mixture into a bowl and cool to room temperature, stirring occasionally.
In a large bowl, beat 2 cups chilled cream with 1/4 cup sugar. Beat until stiff peaks form. Fold whipped cream into chocolate mixture. Pour mixture into cooled crust.
Chill pie at least 6 hours before serving. Prior to serving, beat remaining 1 cup cream with 1/4 cup sugar. Beat until stiff, then pipe onto top of pie with a star tip, or place a spoonful on top of each slice.
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Featured AVENite: "M51"
A personage from the forums that you'd like to get to know better
Name: M51
Age: 28
Location: My house is in North Carolina, but I travel a lot.
Preferred Label(s): Asexual. Currently debating romantic or aromantic status.
Bio: I first started visiting AVEN in August of 2004, but at the time my then-husband visited the site more often than me so I felt uncomfortable posting. In March of 2005, once our divorce was final, I decided that I had every right to post freely in the biggest and best forum on the Internet for people like me: asexuals. So despite concerns about my ex-husband reading my posts, I hesitantly started making a presence. I seem to go through cycles where I will visit primarily Just For Fun, then the next month hit the politics and hot topics, and perhaps the next month greet as many newbies as I can. My favorite topics center around discovering as many patterns and common experiences as I can among asexuals, and I love discussing and trying to describe our experiences to explore as many facets of human intimacy – sexual and non-sexual – as I can wrap my mind around.
Off AVEN, I am in the military, I love to skydive and I love my two cats. I don't feel I can commit to formal visibility projects because of my military duties, but when I get out I hope to come out publicly and work for visibility any way I can.
How she came to AVEN: My then-husband found AVEN, and he immediately recognized me in the description of "asexual". Unfortunately he mistook AVEN for some sort of cure - maybe like alcoholics anonymous, only "asexuals anonymous". Boy, was he ever wrong. Unfortunately he could never bring himself to accept my orientation; he is now my ex-husband. But I am much more comfortable in my identity as asexual now than I was when I tried to pretend to be sexual for so many years.
The most important thing about AVEN: I think the most important goal of visibility is to reach out to other asexuals who don't realize that asexuality is an option, and to let them know that it is okay to be asexual (assuming there are no other problems that cause the asexuality). I was so miserable trying to be sexual against my nature; it pains me to know there are thousands – even millions, maybe – of people out there struggling to understand and accept themselves. Educating sexuals is also very important, as it is much harder to understand and accept yourself when others deny that your experience is valid.
Advice for newcomers: Be true to yourself. If you don't want to do something, don't do it, or at least take the time to figure out why you don't like it, so that if you end up compromising you are making an educated decision. If you don't like labels, don't worry about trying to apply them to yourself. A lot of newcomers seem to think they need to slap a label on themselves right away, or swear allegiance to asexuality in order to be accepted at AVEN. Not true! You can try labels on and discard them as much as you like – they are your labels, and AVEN will accept you no matter which ones you do or do not embrace. The important thing is discovering, understanding, and accepting yourself, and being true to that, whatever it may be.
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Mix Tape = Love
by ILY
Back in the bad old days when I was an unemployed insomniac, I cultivated some hobbies. One of these was making mix CDs based on a variety of moods and situations. Looking back through the archive, I found a mix called "Asexy/Sexy". "Side A" (I'm old school, it's a curse) was songs that had asexual themes. "Side B" was my favorite songs about sex, because balance is a good thing. Especially on two sides of a hypothetical record. Side A started with Scotland's cuddliest export outside of nice cashmere: Belle and Sebastian. Their song "Marx and Engels" is, to my knowledge, one of the most overtly asexual songs in the world. About a strange girl who would rather read a Marx and Engels book than get hit on in a laundromat, I think it hits home with more than a few of us. Then there's also the perennial asexual favorite The Smiths, with "William, It Was Really Nothing", mostly for the great line, "I don't dream about anyone…except myself." "What Do I Get" by the Buzzcocks was also on there. I think it expresses pretty well the strange netherworld that many asexuals find themselves in relationship-wise. And the beginning of the live version: "This is a love song!" — classic. Then there is the Oxford Collapse, a band that earned my respect for bootlegging its own CD to send it to college radio. It's one of the best late-night albums I own—so as a former insomniac, you can imagine it is close to my heart. "The Boys Go Home" is subtly asexy. Finishing up Side A is "Rotterdam" by The Wedding Present. I still don't know what this song is about, but the lines "I wanted you, but not the way you think" is something many asexual folks can relate to…and I just love The Wedding Present. And I named my cat after Steve Albini. Really did.
Side B starts out with "Promiscuous" by Nelly Furtado. Okay, it's a bit poptastic, but everything Timbaland touches seems to turn to awesome. I tried to avoid this song, and it wormed its way into my ears and heart like all good pop songs do. Then, of course, there is "Little Red Corvette" by Prince. I think everyone, regardless of orientation, can come to a consensus that this song pretty much is sex. Finishing up the CD (I know, it's short, but if I could write this much about an 8-song CD, imagine your horror at reading my comments on a 15-song one) is "SpottieOttieDopalicious" by some of my favorite musicians in the known universe, Outkast. A great song to end any mix. When I can tell something is sexy, that pretty much means that it's sexy. And that's the whole CD. I'd like to think that at this point, I finally fell asleep.
--
Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere. AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demi-sexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is a list of what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1500 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of the AVEN forums: If you're hanging out online and see a post that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition, tell us about it!
Reader responses: It only takes a few seconds to send us your take on the latest Food For Thought question, and if you have anything else to say to us, we love getting letters!
Art and photography: We normally use photos from AVEN meetups, but anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including.
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give AVENues' inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days.
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