AVENues Issue #10
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Carolyn Lamb
Nov 12, 2007, 3:39:13 PM11/12/07
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AVENues Issue #10 - Saturday, November 10, 2007 (text version posted to the AVENues Google group / RSS November 12, 2007)
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/avenues/2007_11_10.pdf
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Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A monthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to further showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
--
Contents:
1. "Boxed, Labelled, and Filed Under 'A'"
2. Letter from the Editor
3. News from the Fall
4. From the Forum
5. "The Matchmaker"
6. Recipe: Seriously Banana Bread
7. "A Voice from the Celibate Side"
8. Featured AVENite: AntiBubble
The PDF version of this newsletter also includes a comic strip and artwork that are not available in text-only form.
--
Boxed, Labelled, and Filed Under "A"
By SAM B.I.
All of us have accepted the "Asexual" label…wait a minute, that's not quite true. Some identify more with "hyposexual" and some dither in uncertainty. Milapalcynsky, a member of AVEN, asked a good question in the Asexual Rants and Musings forum when she wondered if she should accept the identity or rather wait a little longer. Her post, titled "How is the label 'Asexual' useful to you?" and the responses from AVENites were interesting and diverse. After all, nothing is for certain, things can change – even our orientation. So, is the asexual label of value or is it limiting exactly because it is a label?
A good thing to remember before you even start is that when you join AVEN or decide that you are asexual, no one chains you to a chair and makes you sign anything. You can change whatever labels you chose whenever you feel they're not useful anymore.
The beauty of this place is that most asexuals understand that finding your identity can take a little time and a lot of thinking. We are, all of us, in the same boat; even the most asexy among us needed to do a little thinking about who we were and what that meant to us.
There's a certain squeamishness associated with "being labelled." It's not difficult to understand where this squeamishness comes from. Any label has a host of further connotations and once someone has been labelled, all of those connotations are also associated to him whether they apply or not. Psah! You will never know me! Real people are too complex to be so easily summed up.
Once you are labelled, people think they understand you. Unfortunately, they often don't. Shortass Lady pointed out that sometimes people judge your situation according to what they believe the word "asexual" means rather than your individual reasons for using the word. Unless they are familiar with all the shades of asexuality, the box they put you into can be very little indeed.
Now turn that on its head and you get what my sexual friend I came out to told me: "The problem that I have with finding a name for it [asexuality], is that you then get into this idea that you have to conform to the image to really fit in" – an equally pernicious trap.
It is possible that once someone decides they are asexual, they might decide to follow their interpretation of the definition to the letter while disregarding their real feelings. That doesn't really strike me as the best way forward either. In answering my friend I echoed Shortass Lady's words: "As vague guidelines, the definitions used on AVEN (such as asexual, aromantic, etc.) are all right," and if you use them as such, they can be helpful guideposts on the road to finding your own identity.
So if we decide to use the definitions as guidelines, where does that leave us? Some people feel very comfortable under the asexual umbrella. "I'd say that asexual describes me rather nicely," said l'héros. Rpjx felt that the label helped him understand himself better. Shortass Lady said it was a neat way to sum up her feelings ( i.e. no sex drive, no sexual attraction or desire to do sexual things) – to her, the word acted as shorthand for all that stuff.
Others find the asexual label limiting. Mysteria wrote, "Just saying I'm asexual is a bit of an oversimplification. I am what I am; I don't need a label to understand myself."
There was also a bit of a difference in viewpoints about the visibility of the asexual label. Davidrugova felt that the term has picked up in common usage in recent years, and it makes a lot of things easier to explain. On the other hand, jr1 said the term did not have enough exposure. Missingmile came out to a friend who thought the word meant that she did not have sexual organs.
A knee-jerk response to that is to refrain from using the label in the first place. Here there are no clear-cut, ready-use rules. Using the label might help. The authority of a label can sometimes help people take you seriously, or the label can confuse as demonstrated above. However, if we don't stand up and claim our label, how long will it take before people who experience no sexual attraction can be accepted for that without the raised eyebrows?
Another problem with labelling and categorising is that it creates an "us and them" situation. Many posts on AVEN can take quite a mean turn when people complain about sexuals and their behaviour. There is a definite us-and-them-ness between the lines in such posts. If you stop to think about it, is it really that smart for a group that makes up less than 5% of the population to antagonise the other 95%?
Personally, the word "asexual" gave me something to google; not an end to confusion but rather a starting point or a home base. It led me to AVEN where I learnt a lot of new words, all of them potential labels, but their true power lay in their ability to help capture all the half-formulated ideas that I could never quite grasp with my heteronormative vocabulary. I could suddenly talk about how I felt in a way that made sense to me. Which leads nicely to the next point.
Other people to talk to. For many AVENites it was an end to loneliness. Shortass Lady said that the label implies that there is a group of people. The members of this group have something in common with each other; there might be shades of A, but we can talk about it.
The person who said it best was Cijay: "I don't know about finding peace. I find it just 'liberated' me, I knew that I wasn't weird."
--
Letter from the Editor
Our last issue (in September) marked the one-year anniversary of AVENues' existence. We've come a long way since then, or hardly any distance at all, depending on how you count. Certainly, I've learned a lot about how to construct and edit a newsletter on schedule!
But AVENues still has a long way to go, and I think this is, in part, because the asexual movement itself still has a long way to go. The decisions I have to make in my role as editor-in-chief sometimes raise questions that I don't know how to answer. Who is AVENues for, anyway? Is it for AVEN regulars who simply can't get enough asexual discussion in their day? Is it for sympathetic community members who prefer an old-style publication to trying to navigate AVEN's busy forums? Or can it possibly be used for outreach? Can it be all three? Who knows? I don't. But you, the readers, do.
This month, I want to hear from you. Of course, I always want to hear from you about what you did and didn't like in an issue, what you agreed and disagreed with, and there's plenty of room for that in this issue: among other things, we've published here our first short story ever, and a new article from the point of view of a sexual, celibate person. But this month, I also want to hear about your relationship to AVENues as a whole. Why do you read it? What do you hope to get out of it? And what can we do to help you with that?
My inbox - newsl...@asexuality.org – is always open.
- Hallucigenia, AVENues Editor-In-Chief
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News from the Fall
In early October, after a vote open to all members, AVEN added itself to the list of organizations that support the inclusion of transgendered individuals in the Employment Non-Discrimination Act in the United States.
Members of AVEN will be going to the European Federation of Sexology's conference in April to talk about asexuality – hopefully with AVEN flyers to distribute. We're still working on laying out and finalizing our pamphlets, and anyone who wants to hop in and join the fray is welcome to help.
From November 13 to December 2, the play "Untouched: A Sexual Encounter" will be running in London, England. This play deals with an asexual character and the efforts of the rest of the world to change her, challenging society's perception of sex and the nature of love.
Asexuality has been spotted all over other media venues as well: MTV3 Internet in Finland, "Am I Normal?" on BBC Radio 4, and LGBT groups at Warwick University in England and Aberdeen University in Scotland. And look for a possible upcoming article in Playboy Magazine, by AVEN founder David Jay.
People still seeking asexuals to interview for media projects on asexuality include film students in Southampton, England, journalists in Chicago, and researchers at Southern Connecticut State University.
In internal AVEN news, we've appointed two new people to help manage AVEN's static content. Look for serious website changes in the near future!
--
From the Forum
a selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN web site
It has come up several times that you feel unattractive because your husband does not want to have sex with you. As an asexual myself, I can try to explain to you what it's like. When I think of sex, I think that it's a lie. That's the closest I can put it. It's like trying to do something to show you love someone, but it's completely unnecessary – it's really just a way to please the body, and therefore a lie. Some asexuals can feel a bit betrayed if they have to have sex. I'm not saying your husband is one of them, but I just want the idea put out there.
The wonderful thing about having an asexual spouse is that you know they are with you completely for YOU and not anything else – they love you for who you are, not because you look good or bad or are overweight or skinny or any of that stuff. They chose you as their spouse because they love you as a person and that, to me, is the purest love you can ever find.
- CopyFox, Monday September 10, "disillusioned" in For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies
At its core, asexuality is about a community of people using a word to describe ourselves. We don't need the medical community's permission to do it, and in the vast majority of cases using the word "asexual" to describe ourselves and coming together as a community makes our lives better. Lots of people with a wide variety of experiences use the word, and each of us use it in different ways. There's no evidence to indicate that people using this word are any more or less likely than anyone else to have pathological medical conditions, which means that some of us have hormonal disorders and a history of past sexual abuse, just like everyone else.
The question then becomes: If someone has a hormonal imbalance does identifying as "asexual" cause them any harm? If they experience a sudden change in sex drive then we'll tell them to go see a doctor. What if someone has a repressed history of past sexual abuse? We'll encourage them to explore relationships and intimacy and fulfillment on their own terms, which will hopefully cause them to dig into some of the issues that they are facing.
There's no reason to get into a discussion about the "causes" of asexuality, just as there is little point in getting into a discussion about the "causes" of any other sexual orientation. Gender and sexuality are too complicated to really roll into a single neat scientific theory, and we're better off describing the phenomenon of human sexuality than trying to explain it.
- AVENguy, Tuesday October 02, "Asexuality lecture at my university!" in Visibility, Education, and Organizing
As an asexual, I can try to imagine what being a repulsed asexual would be like, and I sympathize with people who find sex unpleasant or terrible. But there is a line I draw between what you want for yourself and what you want for others. I only want not to be bombarded with narrow-minded cultural assumptions about sex, but I don't pretend to deny the inherent feelings of others. Sexual taboos that make outcasts of people in healthy relationships are just attitudes, and can be changed. Sexual feelings are an intrinsic part of most people, and can't be changed. Nor should they be. AVEN should be a safe space, especially for sexual allies who are mostly friends of, or in relationships with, asexuals. We must not mistake these good people with those bigots who demand that everybody be sexual. Accepting sexuals as they are is the right thing to do, and it's better for everybody.
- kandemose, Sunday October 07, "Anyone else an antisexual?" in Asexual Q&A
In my opinion, gay/straight/bi/asexual are only meant to be broad definitions. A sort of offhand way to give a simple description that everyone can more or less understand, even if not everyone is educated to understand or be tolerant.
It's like dumping out a box of crayons and trying to sort them into red, blue, green or yellow. It will more or less work, but few crayons are the exact shade and the system does not work too well for all the crayons (is purple a red or blue?). In the same way whatever it is that decides our sexual orientation really does not seem to care all that much about fitting in.
We're all different. Myself, I'd tell a pal or acquaintance I'm asexual because it's simple and gives a general idea without getting into personal details that I'm not keen on handing out the first time I meet someone. And I can give a more in-depth explanation to people I trust and feel safe talking to.
- OwlSaint, Tuesday October 09, "Why I think the one per cent figure is wrong" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
AVEN posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
--
The Matchmaker
A short story by SARAH TOTTON
Mr. Oberon, the most benevolent of teachers at the Cinderblock Prep School, was holding court with his senior Literature students. Oberon prided himself on knowing about his students' personal lives. It made it so much easier to teach them when he knew how to "get at them," so to speak. Having no children of his own, he felt a strong need to manipulate the lives of young people. Despite being the victim of a marital catastrophe (his wife had left him for a Swedish plumber), he was a romantic at heart. His main preoccupation was fostering romantic entanglements between his unwitting students. His greatest wish was to be toasted at a wedding by the bride and groom and thanked publicly for bringing the happy couple together.
Oberon knew that one of his students was in love. Boy-crazy Amber was infatuated with unwitting Carmine. Fresh off the farm, the red-headed Carmine was, in Amber's words "just bursting with hick charisma." However, puberty had made Carmine so bashful around girls that whenever he was in the vicinity of one, he blushed like a torch. The thought of actually speaking to one terrified him. Amber's attentions made him want to hide under his desk. Oberon decided it was time he took a hand in things.
Two of Oberon's other students, Goodfellow and Aven, were not currently attached to anyone. The lecherous Goodfellow believed that multi-tasking was the way to proceed through the arena of love. He was intent on seducing every girl at the school. Goodfellow was the sort of person who thrived on creating chaos.
Aven on the other hand, just wanted a peaceful life.
At the end of class, Oberon held back Goodfellow and Aven.
"You are both aware," he asked them, "of the Carmine-Amber situation?"
Goodfellow and Aven glanced at each other. Goodfellow smirked and Aven rolled his eyes. "Yes, sir," they said.
"It is time we put things right in that quarter."
Oberon went to a locked cupboard and took out a small pink phial, a new and expensive acquisition from his alchemist. "I know that both of you share a room in the dormitory with Carmine. The contents of this phial confer upon the user the property of lifelong affection and devotion. I wish one of you to pour the contents on Carmine's head while he sleeps. You must also at this time – and this is terribly important – put into his hand some possession of Amber's. This will set the direction of his affections, you see."
"I'll do it, sir!" said Goodfellow.
"I will give this to you, Goodfellow, but I am trusting Aven here to see that you carry out my instructions to the letter. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir," said both young men.
#
That evening, after Carmine had fallen asleep, Goodfellow and Aven got up and crept over to his bed.
Goodfellow winked at Aven, brandished the phial and held it over Carmine's head.
"Wait!" said Aven. "We don't have anything of Amber's to put in his hand."
"Actually," said Goodfellow, "I think I got a hold of Amber's bra a few months ago when we were having a bit of a tumble in the cinema."
"Her too?" said Aven. "Do you have no shame at all?"
"None," said Goodfellow. "I think I left her bra under my bed. Fetch it, would you?"
Aven peered underneath Goodfellow's bed. "Which one is it?"
"The pink one," Goodfellow called to him.
"There isn't a pink one," said Aven. "There's a yellow one, and a blue one, and a white one with flowers on it, and–"
By the time Aven returned, Goodfellow was sporting an evil grin and screwing the cap back onto the phial.
"I couldn't find a pink one," said Aven.
"Never mind," said Goodfellow. "Tell you what...let's go to the girls' dormitory and nab something of Amber's from her room."
The back door of the girls' dormitory had a broken lock (broken by Goodfellow months ago on his way to an assignation with one of his girlfriends) allowing the young men access to the building. They crept along the hallways and slipped into Amber's room.
"What should we take?" Aven whispered.
"Oh, anything," said Goodfellow. "Try her closet."
Aven had to stifle a sneeze on inhaling the perfume-soaked air in Amber's closet. He grabbed a pink Alice band and backed out with his hand clamped over his nose and mouth.
He found Goodfellow standing over Amber's bed, smirking and screwing the cap onto the phial.
"Let's go!" said Aven, tugging Goodfellow's sleeve.
On their way back to the boys' dormitory, they were waylaid by a girl storming towards them from the library with an armload of books.
"Goodfellow! You cheating bastard!" she shouted as she ran up to him.
Goodfellow dodged the books she flung at his head, but as he did so, lost his balance and went down on the pavement with a thump and a smash. When he got up, fragments of the shattered phial clung to his white jersey which was now stained bright pink.
"Serves you right," said the girl, picking up her books. "Don't ever call me again, you two-timer." She stormed off.
"Nice one, Goodfellow," said Aven. "Oberon's going to kill us."
#
The next morning in Oberon's Literature class, something very odd happened. The students made their way into the classroom and took their seats but Amber, instead of sitting beside Carmine as she usually did, took a seat beside Aven. "It's so beautiful outside," she said, and she smiled, which none of the other students had ever seen her do.
Oberon had decided that today he would administer one of his trademark pop quizzes. As he wandered around the classroom, watching his students write the test, he scrutinized Amber and Carmine intently for some evidence of his Cupid-like influence. Both of them, however, seemed absorbed in answering the test questions. Oberon took this as a flattering demonstration of their respect for the course material. However, their affection must surely manifest itself once they had finished the quiz. At the end of the period, when the bell rang, Oberon dismissed all of the students except for Carmine and Amber.
"I am going to mark these quizzes," he told them. "While I do, I would like both of you to arrange the textbooks at the back of the room in chronological order of publication date. I shall return in half an hour to check on your progress."
"Yes, sir," said Amber and Carmine.
Oberon shut the door, smiling to himself, and took the test papers to his office to do a little marking to pass the time while nature took its course.
Aven's paper was unremarkable. However, Oberon was surprised and pleased to discover that Goodfellow's answers were excellent, concise and focused. This was unusual for Goodfellow, who had a tendency to get distracted at the drop of a hat, or the wink of a girl's eye.
Then Oberon came to Amber's paper:
Question 1. Compare and contrast the themes and plots of Pride & Prejudice and Little Women
Amber had refrained from her usual habit of decorating her paper with pink hearts, and had instead opted to simply answer the question.
Well, she wrote. They're both books about women sitting around talking and not doing anything particularly interesting. Then they pair off at the end. The storylines could have been vastly improved if the authors had included some shark fishing, or if one of the girls had dressed up as a boy and joined the navy.
Oberon scrutinized the signature on the paper, wondering if Goodfellow had added forgery to his list of misdemeanors.
He picked up Carmine's paper and read his answer to the same question:
Do you know, wrote Carmine, I never would have thought this, but women are really not that much different from men. I mean--really!
Oberon set the paper down and made straight for the classroom. As he opened the classroom door, he heard a shriek and something struck his face and burst, drenching him. He opened the door and received a shock. Not only were the books nowhere close to being organized (They were in a pile by the windows.), but all of the desks had been flipped onto their sides to form two walls at opposite ends of the classroom. Carmine was crouched behind one of them, holding something long and blue and eerily familiar-looking. Amber had ducked down behind the wall of desks, nearest Oberon.
"What's going on?!" said Oberon.
"She started it!" said Carmine.
"I did not!"
By now, Oberon had gotten a closer look at the object Carmine held in his hand, and he realized what it was. About a week ago, Goodfellow had purchased a box of condoms and brought them to class with him. He'd set them on his desk, on display for all to see. Oberon had confiscated them and put them in his desk drawer at the front of the classroom, where they had remained until now. Carmine and Amber had apparently found them, filled them up and were using them as water balloons.
Oberon gave Amber and Carmine detentions and ordered them to mop up the classroom, which they did, sniping at each other all the while. Oberon was mystified; his dreams of entangling them romantically seemed to have gone awry, and he didn't have the faintest idea why.
#
At noon, Aven and Goodfellow sat in the cafeteria eating their lunch when Aven spotted Amber coming towards them.
"Oh god," Aven groaned. "Here it comes. She's going to analyze every minute of class now: 'Do you think Carmine was really looking at me during the quiz? I could swear he was looking at me. Do you think he likes me?' And oh god, the sighing! The swooning! Spare me."
Amber sat down next to Goodfellow.
"What happened to you?" said Aven.
"What do you mean?" said Amber.
"I mean your clothes, your hair. You're a mess."
"Oh that. I got in a water-condom fight with Carmine. He's not much of a shot, but he got a few lucky hits in. I nailed him worse, though."
Goodfellow sniggered.
"You what?" said Aven. "Don't tell me you two got together?"
"You're kidding me," said Amber. "Carmine? He's totally annoying. And such a hick."
"Last week you were raving about his hick charisma," said Aven. "Are you feeling all right?"
"Wonderful, thanks," said Amber. "You know, I think I'll go for a walk." She stood up. "Oh--I almost forgot: Mr. Oberon sent me to tell you he wants to see both of you in his office."
"What for?" said Aven.
"He wouldn't say exactly, but he mentioned something about an assignment he'd given you two yesterday." Amber walked off.
As soon as she was gone Goodfellow burst out laughing.
"What?" said Aven.
Goodfellow regained control of himself and cleared his throat. "I think I've done Oberon one better."
"Out with it," said Aven.
"Last night, while you were looking under my bed, I tipped the phial out over Carmine."
"What? What did you put in his hand, Goodfellow?"
Goodfellow started to snort again and had to get himself under control.
"What did you give him?" Aven insisted.
"Nothing," said Goodfellow. "Nothing at all."
"Come on, Goodfellow."
"And," said Goodfellow, "while you were rummaging around in Amber's closet, I tipped some more of it out over her."
Aven seemed to sag in his chair. "And what did you put in her hand?"
"Nothing!" said Goodfellow, slapping the table gleefully.
"Oberon's going to give us detentions for this. You do realize that, don't you? Why do you always have to go and mess things up for everyone?"
"It makes life," said Goodfellow, "so much more interesting."
#
Oberon addressed Goodfellow and Aven. "Well?" he said. "I can clearly tell that something happened last night. Did you manage to pull it off?"
Aven, looking quite nervous, shot a dirty look at Goodfellow. "Well, sir, it's complicated... I mean, we thought we had something of Amber's to give to Carmine, but Goodfellow lost it. So we went to get something else of hers, and I found something, only, on our way back to the dorm, Goodfellow...sort of...fell on top of the phial and...broke it, sir."
"Goodfellow?" said Oberon. "Did you...?"
"To smithereens, sir," said Goodfellow, grinning.
"I knew I shouldn't have trusted you, Goodfellow. I'm very disappointed in you as well, Aven."
Goodfellow burst out laughing.
"I don't see what's so funny, Goodfellow," said Oberon.
"Actually there's a bit more to it than that," said Aven. "Goodfellow's only just now told me." Aven explained to Oberon what had happened the night before. He had to stop periodically as Goodfellow's giggle-fits drowned him out. Oberon didn't seem to grasp at first what Aven was saying.
Oberon addressed Goodfellow, "You mean you put something else into Amber's hand? Oh no, no, no! That won't do."
"I didn't put anything into her hand, sir. Nothing at all."
"Now look here, my instructions were very specific. Whatever is in the person's hand when the phial is emptied over them binds them to it."
"But, sir, Goodfellow says there was nothing--"
"Don't be obtuse, Aven. You can't be in love with nothing, can you? I mean, what would you do with yourself? Stop laughing, Goodfellow! There's nothing funny about two of my students using condoms for water balloons." Oberon went to the cupboard and took another phial from it. "Goodfellow, you are dismissed. Aven, stay here."
Goodfellow left, doubled over laughing.
"Now, Aven," said Oberon, giving Aven the phial. "I want you to give this to Carmine and Amber again...and Goodfellow too. And pick some nice, plain girl for Goodfellow--someone like Gaynor Fillblatt. I'm trusting you to do it properly this time. Now get out."
Outside Oberon's office, Aven found Goodfellow waiting for him.
"That could have been worse," Goodfellow remarked mildly.
"Shut up," said Aven tucking the phial safely into his pocket.
On their way back to their room, Aven said suddenly, "Weren't those your condoms Amber and Carmine were chucking at each other?"
"Yeah, so?" said Goodfellow. "It's not like I was going to use them."
"Pardon me, Mr. Amnesia. What about two weeks ago when you took two girls back to our room? Or how about when you dated the Felix sisters at the same time and neither of them knew? What about your date tonight with Babs Ketchum?"
"Oh my god," said Goodfellow suddenly, and he stopped in his tracks. "I did that. I mean...blech." He grimaced. "Sucking face with those girls and everything. What a ludicrous thing to do to another person!" He shuddered. "What was I thinking?"
"You're freaking me out here," said Aven. "Are you okay?"
"You'll have to tell Babs I'm busy tonight and I can't see her," said Goodfellow. "Really busy doing something else."
"And what would that be?" said Aven.
"Um...," said Goodfellow. "I could eat something. Something big that would take me a long time to finish. Perhaps an enormous piece of cake."
"Goodfellow...?"
"With five layers and whipped cream and big chunks of meringue in the middle." Goodfellow stared off into space with an enraptured expression. Then he headed off towards the cafeteria.
Aven watched him go.
That night as Aven stood over Carmine's bed with Amber's Alice band tucked into his hand, a thought occurred to him: if he followed the old man's instructions, he'd be sitting behind Amber and Carmine every day in class and would have to watch them madly pawing at each other. That wasn't particularly conducive to a good learning environment or to a peaceful life.
And he had to admit, the nights would be a lot quieter without Goodfellow bringing girls back to their room, as his interest seemed now to have shifted from girls to pastries.
Aven made a decision. He went into the bathroom and tipped the phial down the sink.
#
Oberon's dreams of attending Amber and Carmine's wedding were dashed. Much to his consternation and puzzlement, Amber and Carmine wanted nothing to do with each other. They and Goodfellow graduated from prep school without forming romantic attachments of any kind. Aven became a metaphysician and lived a life of glorious peace and poverty. Amber and Carmine built two boats together and sailed around the world in opposite directions. Goodfellow opened a bakery. His cake is the talk of the town.
Oberon went back to his alchemist and chased him around his house with a divining rod demanding a refund.
--
Seriously Banana Bread
by MILA
Makes 1 loaf
Ingredients, dry:
* 1/2 cup chocolate chips
* 1 3/4 cups whole wheat flour
* 1/2 cup granulated sugar or Splenda
* 1 tsp. baking powder
* 1/4 tsp. baking soda
* 1/4 tsp. salt
* 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
Ingredients, wet:
* 2 large eggs, lightly beaten
* 1/2 cup melted margarine or butter
* 2 cups mashed banana (4-6 bananas)
* 1 tsp. vanilla extract
Method:
Place oven rack in the middle and preheat oven to 350 F (180 C). Grease and flour a 9x5x3" (23x13x8cm) loaf pan.
In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. Stir in chocolate chips and set aside.
In another bowl, combine mashed bananas, eggs, melted margarine and vanilla. With a wooden spoon or a spatula, gently fold the wet ingredients into the dry until just combined (known as the muffin method). Do not over-stir. The batter will be chunky and thick. Scrape batter into prepared pan and bake until golden brown in colour and toothpick inserted into middle of loaf comes out clean, about 55-65 minutes. Transfer pan to wire rack until pan cool to the touch and then turn loaf out onto rack.
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A Voice from the Celibate Side
by ROBYN Y. DEMBY
The first time I learned about asexuality was months ago when Montel Williams was interviewing David Jay on his show. My thoughts immediately rewound to the day I was at my cousin's house years ago. His wife and I had touched on the topic of sex and she told me, "I don't like sex. I don't care if I never have it again for the rest of my life." Another relative confided in me about the lack of sex in his marriage. I've also seen numerous talk shows about people in relationships – both male and female – who have expressed similar sentiments. Although my heart went out to the partner who was suffering feelings of rejection, if no medical problems were found, asexuality was the simple answer! I was riveted to the broadcast that day. Afterwards, I went online and visited the AVEN website, read articles, and saw other interviews. I noticed that before each interview began, the difference between celibacy and asexuality was made clear. Even so, as a 40-year old woman who has been celibate for years, I find two important similarities between asexuality and celibacy: We realize that sex is not a need and we know that we can live happy, healthy lives without it.
My reasons for choosing celibacy were not because of past abuse or sexual assault. As a matter of fact, I don't feel as if I've been hurt more then the average person. It's just that I was tired of the vicious cycle of failed relationships. Did I not have the tolerance needed to make a relationship work? Was it my attraction for the bad guys? Was it my inability to appreciate the good ones? Or was I just plain shallow? Whatever the reason, I had a choice to make: Stay in a bad relationship, continue in my quest for a good one, or just rid myself of a lifestyle that kept me connected to this vicious cycle of failed relationships. I chose to change my lifestyle.
I was never one for casual sex, but I did seek male companionship. But whenever I became close to a guy, those feelings of attraction would emerge, one thing would lead to another, and I'd end up in a sexual relationship. Then the relationship wouldn't work out, we'd break up, and I'd look for another man to get over the last one. If I wasn't aching from the pain of a break-up, I was trying to figure out how I was going to get out of a current relationship that wasn't working. Since the Bible is against premarital sex, I always felt that it was wrong, but it seemed to have this control over me. Feeling that my flesh was stronger than my mind always made me feel guilty, defeated, vulnerable, helpless, and not in charge of my life. No matter how many times I told myself that I was going to break out of the cycle of failed relationships, I would end up in another bad one. Even before I became a Christian, sex always left me feeling used and confused. The relentless failures began dragging me down. I was never at peace. I felt as if I were wasting my time when I could be expending my energy elsewhere like going to school and writing books.
I felt that if I had the discipline to wait until marriage, then I would have the perseverance to make that relationship work. So one day I asked God for the strength to break away from this cycle. When He gave me what I needed to let go of that lifestyle, I vowed to myself that my next sexual partner would be my husband. I'm not married yet, but that's okay. I've become so comfortable with celibacy over the years that I have embraced it as a peaceful and satisfying existence.
I was a little surprised that asexuals craved affection and romance, but then I asked myself, "Why not?" Yet the problem I see with this is when he or she knowingly enters into a relationship with a sexually active person and pretends to enjoy sex or lets their partner pressure them into it. Then once they get that wedding band on their finger, they reveal their true feelings about sex. There is also another problem with communication where asexuals are involved: those who do voice their disinterest are met with deaf ears, denial, confusion, and indignation. This uncovers another similarity that asexuals have with celibate people; as a celibate person, I also receive such reactions.
I've noticed a bothersome trend in all the interviews I have seen on asexuals. Journalists and talk show hosts suggest that asexuals should at least try sex. This is like making yourself eat fried liver when you don't want it. You've also tried it baked, grilled, and boiled, and you still don't like it. Society is screaming, "Eat liver! Who cares if you don't want it? Keep eating it anyway!" Nobody seems to comprehend that there is no reason to force yourself to do something that you are completely satisfied without.
On the Montel Williams show, Montel insisted that C.J., an asexual, keep trying different men until she found a partner who could convince her that sex was good. Yet I feel that it is a tragedy when people force themselves to embrace sex just to keep a relationship. How many men does she have to sleep with to prove that she has no desire for sex, especially when she already admitted she "gave it a good try?" Sex is not like trying different foods. There are things to consider such as the risk of acquiring emotional baggage when you engage in that lifestyle. An analysis by the National Campaign reveals that about half of all pregnancies in America are unwanted. More studies, such as those done by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, have shown that 19 million new sexually transmitted diseases strike people each year. So since an overwhelming amount of the population is not practicing safe sex, there are also unwanted pregnancies and STDs to consider (for more information, visit www.TheNationalCampaign.org and http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats/trends2005.htm).
Dr. Joy Davidson, a certified sex therapist who appeared on ABC Primetime for an interview in September 2006, totally ignores the beauty of asexuality and is convinced that something is wrong with this orientation. She went as far as to suggest asexuals might as well also label themselves as "unadventurous….narrow minded," and "blind to the possibilities." Her words infuriated me. When sex therapists start spouting off about repressed sexuality, homosexual tendencies and past issues that cause a person to shut down his or her sexuality, then they are trying to shine a negative light in an area that should be viewed as positive. She might be right about me as far as past issues are concerned, but I think people should envy asexuals instead of looking at them as if something is wrong with them. In my opinion, lacking sexual desire would be a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Since Dr. Davidson wants to place negative labels on asexuals, let us feel free to flip the scrutiny around to some sexual people and place negative labels on them also: Let us go as far as to suggest that some people who are sexually active are afraid of being alone. Since most relationships involve sex, it's like a trade-off. Before I became celibate, I was once in a relationship in which I didn't enjoy having sex, but I continued to do it just to keep the peace. I was afraid of being alone at the time because I felt I needed that euphoria that came along with being in a relationship. Without that feeling, I was bored. I came across an interview in PARADE Magazine where Halle Berry said, "Not having love is scarier than going through adversity."
How about the label that many sexually active people may be looking for something to fill an emotional void in their lives, or clinging to a relationship because they fear their lover will soon tire of them? Two of my sisters have admitted to me that they let men pressure them into sex so the men would remain with them. Based on talk shows I've seen with people who have no sexual desire and who are in relationships with sexually active people, I suspect they too are afraid of being alone.
There is one more label I'd like to assign to the sexual side, just to even out the scrutiny: There are those who are using sex to get attention. Women who prance around in revealing clothes or exploit themselves as they gyrate in music videos are good examples of that desperate cry for attention.
Since 99% of people are sexual, maybe we should do a study on how many people are living an unhappy existence because of it. What is baffling is how many people will not admit that it is the root of their problems. Don't get me wrong, sex can be wonderful with the right person, but the negative aspects of premarital sex are blaringly obvious. So my question is this: Why do sexual people ignore the havoc that this act can bring into their lives and frown at those who are reaping the peaceful benefits of sex free lives?
To know there is a name for this orientation gives asexuals the courage to take a stand and identify themselves. I applaud those who stand tall and proud as I hope more will come forward and announce their orientation. Living a sex-free life is beautiful, rewarding, and gives you more time to channel your energy throughout areas of your life that will blossom into much success.
Robyn Y. Demby is the author of What the Storyteller Brings.
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Featured AVENite: "AntiBubble"
a personage from the forums that you'd like to get to know better
Name: Bubble
Age: 22
Location: The Land of Purple Aardvarks, talking to the flowers.
Preferred Label(s): The lesbian end of bi-asexual.
Bio: Once upon a time in a faraway land, a little spider called Bubble looked up the term "asexual" for a friend, and lo! she did discover a world of purple and cake. On AVEN I am a Project Team moderator and can usually be found causing chaos in Just For Fun or arranging to dash off to London at a moment's notice to meet people in the pub. Off AVEN I'm a student with a number of obsessions including Tolkien, metal music, spiders, books of pretty much any description and writing. I also love my trusty fountain pen, refuse to write more than a sentence with anything else, and hate biros with a passion. Get a proper pen!
How she came to AVEN: I googled asexuality for a friend that I thought was asexual, found AVEN as a result and swiftly realised it was more relevant to me than to the friend. I joined the forum after lurking for a good while and haven't got round to escaping yet. This is probably a good thing as I quite like it here and someone needs to keep Amcan in order.
The most important thing about AVEN: To spread the word while having as much fun and creating as much chaos as possible. Also there is not nearly enough cake and purple in the world, or asexuality awareness for that matter, and I'm sick of people saying "Whaaat?!" when I tell them I'm asexual.
Advice for newcomers: Come and join us! We don't bite! Well Goonie does, but we're on working on that...
The following is excerpted from AntiBubble's first post to the AVEN forums:
I've been seriously confused about my sexuality for as long as I've been thinking about it, and asexuality is the first thing that's made sense in I don't know how long. I want a relationship, but I don't want the sexual aspect - I've never wanted that. I have some sexual feelings, but no desire to follow them through - I have done before now, and felt nothing physically or mentally. I've felt like a freak for so long, it's nice to find other people that might be able to relate to what I'm feeling.
- AntiBubble, November 13, 2006, "Howdy..." in Welcome Lounge.
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Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere. AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demi-sexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is a list of what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1750 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of the AVEN forums: If you're hanging out online and see a post that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition, tell us about it!
Reader responses: We love getting letters, whether it's agreement with something, disagreement with something, questions, general comments, praise, curses, suggestions, or anything else you can throw at us!
Art and photography: We often use photos from AVEN meetups, but we love art, too, and anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including.
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give AVENues' inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days.
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/avenues/2007_11_10.pdf
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Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A monthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to further showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
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Contents:
1. "Boxed, Labelled, and Filed Under 'A'"
2. Letter from the Editor
3. News from the Fall
4. From the Forum
5. "The Matchmaker"
6. Recipe: Seriously Banana Bread
7. "A Voice from the Celibate Side"
8. Featured AVENite: AntiBubble
The PDF version of this newsletter also includes a comic strip and artwork that are not available in text-only form.
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Boxed, Labelled, and Filed Under "A"
By SAM B.I.
All of us have accepted the "Asexual" label…wait a minute, that's not quite true. Some identify more with "hyposexual" and some dither in uncertainty. Milapalcynsky, a member of AVEN, asked a good question in the Asexual Rants and Musings forum when she wondered if she should accept the identity or rather wait a little longer. Her post, titled "How is the label 'Asexual' useful to you?" and the responses from AVENites were interesting and diverse. After all, nothing is for certain, things can change – even our orientation. So, is the asexual label of value or is it limiting exactly because it is a label?
A good thing to remember before you even start is that when you join AVEN or decide that you are asexual, no one chains you to a chair and makes you sign anything. You can change whatever labels you chose whenever you feel they're not useful anymore.
The beauty of this place is that most asexuals understand that finding your identity can take a little time and a lot of thinking. We are, all of us, in the same boat; even the most asexy among us needed to do a little thinking about who we were and what that meant to us.
There's a certain squeamishness associated with "being labelled." It's not difficult to understand where this squeamishness comes from. Any label has a host of further connotations and once someone has been labelled, all of those connotations are also associated to him whether they apply or not. Psah! You will never know me! Real people are too complex to be so easily summed up.
Once you are labelled, people think they understand you. Unfortunately, they often don't. Shortass Lady pointed out that sometimes people judge your situation according to what they believe the word "asexual" means rather than your individual reasons for using the word. Unless they are familiar with all the shades of asexuality, the box they put you into can be very little indeed.
Now turn that on its head and you get what my sexual friend I came out to told me: "The problem that I have with finding a name for it [asexuality], is that you then get into this idea that you have to conform to the image to really fit in" – an equally pernicious trap.
It is possible that once someone decides they are asexual, they might decide to follow their interpretation of the definition to the letter while disregarding their real feelings. That doesn't really strike me as the best way forward either. In answering my friend I echoed Shortass Lady's words: "As vague guidelines, the definitions used on AVEN (such as asexual, aromantic, etc.) are all right," and if you use them as such, they can be helpful guideposts on the road to finding your own identity.
So if we decide to use the definitions as guidelines, where does that leave us? Some people feel very comfortable under the asexual umbrella. "I'd say that asexual describes me rather nicely," said l'héros. Rpjx felt that the label helped him understand himself better. Shortass Lady said it was a neat way to sum up her feelings ( i.e. no sex drive, no sexual attraction or desire to do sexual things) – to her, the word acted as shorthand for all that stuff.
Others find the asexual label limiting. Mysteria wrote, "Just saying I'm asexual is a bit of an oversimplification. I am what I am; I don't need a label to understand myself."
There was also a bit of a difference in viewpoints about the visibility of the asexual label. Davidrugova felt that the term has picked up in common usage in recent years, and it makes a lot of things easier to explain. On the other hand, jr1 said the term did not have enough exposure. Missingmile came out to a friend who thought the word meant that she did not have sexual organs.
A knee-jerk response to that is to refrain from using the label in the first place. Here there are no clear-cut, ready-use rules. Using the label might help. The authority of a label can sometimes help people take you seriously, or the label can confuse as demonstrated above. However, if we don't stand up and claim our label, how long will it take before people who experience no sexual attraction can be accepted for that without the raised eyebrows?
Another problem with labelling and categorising is that it creates an "us and them" situation. Many posts on AVEN can take quite a mean turn when people complain about sexuals and their behaviour. There is a definite us-and-them-ness between the lines in such posts. If you stop to think about it, is it really that smart for a group that makes up less than 5% of the population to antagonise the other 95%?
Personally, the word "asexual" gave me something to google; not an end to confusion but rather a starting point or a home base. It led me to AVEN where I learnt a lot of new words, all of them potential labels, but their true power lay in their ability to help capture all the half-formulated ideas that I could never quite grasp with my heteronormative vocabulary. I could suddenly talk about how I felt in a way that made sense to me. Which leads nicely to the next point.
Other people to talk to. For many AVENites it was an end to loneliness. Shortass Lady said that the label implies that there is a group of people. The members of this group have something in common with each other; there might be shades of A, but we can talk about it.
The person who said it best was Cijay: "I don't know about finding peace. I find it just 'liberated' me, I knew that I wasn't weird."
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Letter from the Editor
Our last issue (in September) marked the one-year anniversary of AVENues' existence. We've come a long way since then, or hardly any distance at all, depending on how you count. Certainly, I've learned a lot about how to construct and edit a newsletter on schedule!
But AVENues still has a long way to go, and I think this is, in part, because the asexual movement itself still has a long way to go. The decisions I have to make in my role as editor-in-chief sometimes raise questions that I don't know how to answer. Who is AVENues for, anyway? Is it for AVEN regulars who simply can't get enough asexual discussion in their day? Is it for sympathetic community members who prefer an old-style publication to trying to navigate AVEN's busy forums? Or can it possibly be used for outreach? Can it be all three? Who knows? I don't. But you, the readers, do.
This month, I want to hear from you. Of course, I always want to hear from you about what you did and didn't like in an issue, what you agreed and disagreed with, and there's plenty of room for that in this issue: among other things, we've published here our first short story ever, and a new article from the point of view of a sexual, celibate person. But this month, I also want to hear about your relationship to AVENues as a whole. Why do you read it? What do you hope to get out of it? And what can we do to help you with that?
My inbox - newsl...@asexuality.org – is always open.
- Hallucigenia, AVENues Editor-In-Chief
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News from the Fall
In early October, after a vote open to all members, AVEN added itself to the list of organizations that support the inclusion of transgendered individuals in the Employment Non-Discrimination Act in the United States.
Members of AVEN will be going to the European Federation of Sexology's conference in April to talk about asexuality – hopefully with AVEN flyers to distribute. We're still working on laying out and finalizing our pamphlets, and anyone who wants to hop in and join the fray is welcome to help.
From November 13 to December 2, the play "Untouched: A Sexual Encounter" will be running in London, England. This play deals with an asexual character and the efforts of the rest of the world to change her, challenging society's perception of sex and the nature of love.
Asexuality has been spotted all over other media venues as well: MTV3 Internet in Finland, "Am I Normal?" on BBC Radio 4, and LGBT groups at Warwick University in England and Aberdeen University in Scotland. And look for a possible upcoming article in Playboy Magazine, by AVEN founder David Jay.
People still seeking asexuals to interview for media projects on asexuality include film students in Southampton, England, journalists in Chicago, and researchers at Southern Connecticut State University.
In internal AVEN news, we've appointed two new people to help manage AVEN's static content. Look for serious website changes in the near future!
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From the Forum
a selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN web site
It has come up several times that you feel unattractive because your husband does not want to have sex with you. As an asexual myself, I can try to explain to you what it's like. When I think of sex, I think that it's a lie. That's the closest I can put it. It's like trying to do something to show you love someone, but it's completely unnecessary – it's really just a way to please the body, and therefore a lie. Some asexuals can feel a bit betrayed if they have to have sex. I'm not saying your husband is one of them, but I just want the idea put out there.
The wonderful thing about having an asexual spouse is that you know they are with you completely for YOU and not anything else – they love you for who you are, not because you look good or bad or are overweight or skinny or any of that stuff. They chose you as their spouse because they love you as a person and that, to me, is the purest love you can ever find.
- CopyFox, Monday September 10, "disillusioned" in For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies
At its core, asexuality is about a community of people using a word to describe ourselves. We don't need the medical community's permission to do it, and in the vast majority of cases using the word "asexual" to describe ourselves and coming together as a community makes our lives better. Lots of people with a wide variety of experiences use the word, and each of us use it in different ways. There's no evidence to indicate that people using this word are any more or less likely than anyone else to have pathological medical conditions, which means that some of us have hormonal disorders and a history of past sexual abuse, just like everyone else.
The question then becomes: If someone has a hormonal imbalance does identifying as "asexual" cause them any harm? If they experience a sudden change in sex drive then we'll tell them to go see a doctor. What if someone has a repressed history of past sexual abuse? We'll encourage them to explore relationships and intimacy and fulfillment on their own terms, which will hopefully cause them to dig into some of the issues that they are facing.
There's no reason to get into a discussion about the "causes" of asexuality, just as there is little point in getting into a discussion about the "causes" of any other sexual orientation. Gender and sexuality are too complicated to really roll into a single neat scientific theory, and we're better off describing the phenomenon of human sexuality than trying to explain it.
- AVENguy, Tuesday October 02, "Asexuality lecture at my university!" in Visibility, Education, and Organizing
As an asexual, I can try to imagine what being a repulsed asexual would be like, and I sympathize with people who find sex unpleasant or terrible. But there is a line I draw between what you want for yourself and what you want for others. I only want not to be bombarded with narrow-minded cultural assumptions about sex, but I don't pretend to deny the inherent feelings of others. Sexual taboos that make outcasts of people in healthy relationships are just attitudes, and can be changed. Sexual feelings are an intrinsic part of most people, and can't be changed. Nor should they be. AVEN should be a safe space, especially for sexual allies who are mostly friends of, or in relationships with, asexuals. We must not mistake these good people with those bigots who demand that everybody be sexual. Accepting sexuals as they are is the right thing to do, and it's better for everybody.
- kandemose, Sunday October 07, "Anyone else an antisexual?" in Asexual Q&A
In my opinion, gay/straight/bi/asexual are only meant to be broad definitions. A sort of offhand way to give a simple description that everyone can more or less understand, even if not everyone is educated to understand or be tolerant.
It's like dumping out a box of crayons and trying to sort them into red, blue, green or yellow. It will more or less work, but few crayons are the exact shade and the system does not work too well for all the crayons (is purple a red or blue?). In the same way whatever it is that decides our sexual orientation really does not seem to care all that much about fitting in.
We're all different. Myself, I'd tell a pal or acquaintance I'm asexual because it's simple and gives a general idea without getting into personal details that I'm not keen on handing out the first time I meet someone. And I can give a more in-depth explanation to people I trust and feel safe talking to.
- OwlSaint, Tuesday October 09, "Why I think the one per cent figure is wrong" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
AVEN posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarily express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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The Matchmaker
A short story by SARAH TOTTON
Mr. Oberon, the most benevolent of teachers at the Cinderblock Prep School, was holding court with his senior Literature students. Oberon prided himself on knowing about his students' personal lives. It made it so much easier to teach them when he knew how to "get at them," so to speak. Having no children of his own, he felt a strong need to manipulate the lives of young people. Despite being the victim of a marital catastrophe (his wife had left him for a Swedish plumber), he was a romantic at heart. His main preoccupation was fostering romantic entanglements between his unwitting students. His greatest wish was to be toasted at a wedding by the bride and groom and thanked publicly for bringing the happy couple together.
Oberon knew that one of his students was in love. Boy-crazy Amber was infatuated with unwitting Carmine. Fresh off the farm, the red-headed Carmine was, in Amber's words "just bursting with hick charisma." However, puberty had made Carmine so bashful around girls that whenever he was in the vicinity of one, he blushed like a torch. The thought of actually speaking to one terrified him. Amber's attentions made him want to hide under his desk. Oberon decided it was time he took a hand in things.
Two of Oberon's other students, Goodfellow and Aven, were not currently attached to anyone. The lecherous Goodfellow believed that multi-tasking was the way to proceed through the arena of love. He was intent on seducing every girl at the school. Goodfellow was the sort of person who thrived on creating chaos.
Aven on the other hand, just wanted a peaceful life.
At the end of class, Oberon held back Goodfellow and Aven.
"You are both aware," he asked them, "of the Carmine-Amber situation?"
Goodfellow and Aven glanced at each other. Goodfellow smirked and Aven rolled his eyes. "Yes, sir," they said.
"It is time we put things right in that quarter."
Oberon went to a locked cupboard and took out a small pink phial, a new and expensive acquisition from his alchemist. "I know that both of you share a room in the dormitory with Carmine. The contents of this phial confer upon the user the property of lifelong affection and devotion. I wish one of you to pour the contents on Carmine's head while he sleeps. You must also at this time – and this is terribly important – put into his hand some possession of Amber's. This will set the direction of his affections, you see."
"I'll do it, sir!" said Goodfellow.
"I will give this to you, Goodfellow, but I am trusting Aven here to see that you carry out my instructions to the letter. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir," said both young men.
#
That evening, after Carmine had fallen asleep, Goodfellow and Aven got up and crept over to his bed.
Goodfellow winked at Aven, brandished the phial and held it over Carmine's head.
"Wait!" said Aven. "We don't have anything of Amber's to put in his hand."
"Actually," said Goodfellow, "I think I got a hold of Amber's bra a few months ago when we were having a bit of a tumble in the cinema."
"Her too?" said Aven. "Do you have no shame at all?"
"None," said Goodfellow. "I think I left her bra under my bed. Fetch it, would you?"
Aven peered underneath Goodfellow's bed. "Which one is it?"
"The pink one," Goodfellow called to him.
"There isn't a pink one," said Aven. "There's a yellow one, and a blue one, and a white one with flowers on it, and–"
By the time Aven returned, Goodfellow was sporting an evil grin and screwing the cap back onto the phial.
"I couldn't find a pink one," said Aven.
"Never mind," said Goodfellow. "Tell you what...let's go to the girls' dormitory and nab something of Amber's from her room."
The back door of the girls' dormitory had a broken lock (broken by Goodfellow months ago on his way to an assignation with one of his girlfriends) allowing the young men access to the building. They crept along the hallways and slipped into Amber's room.
"What should we take?" Aven whispered.
"Oh, anything," said Goodfellow. "Try her closet."
Aven had to stifle a sneeze on inhaling the perfume-soaked air in Amber's closet. He grabbed a pink Alice band and backed out with his hand clamped over his nose and mouth.
He found Goodfellow standing over Amber's bed, smirking and screwing the cap onto the phial.
"Let's go!" said Aven, tugging Goodfellow's sleeve.
On their way back to the boys' dormitory, they were waylaid by a girl storming towards them from the library with an armload of books.
"Goodfellow! You cheating bastard!" she shouted as she ran up to him.
Goodfellow dodged the books she flung at his head, but as he did so, lost his balance and went down on the pavement with a thump and a smash. When he got up, fragments of the shattered phial clung to his white jersey which was now stained bright pink.
"Serves you right," said the girl, picking up her books. "Don't ever call me again, you two-timer." She stormed off.
"Nice one, Goodfellow," said Aven. "Oberon's going to kill us."
#
The next morning in Oberon's Literature class, something very odd happened. The students made their way into the classroom and took their seats but Amber, instead of sitting beside Carmine as she usually did, took a seat beside Aven. "It's so beautiful outside," she said, and she smiled, which none of the other students had ever seen her do.
Oberon had decided that today he would administer one of his trademark pop quizzes. As he wandered around the classroom, watching his students write the test, he scrutinized Amber and Carmine intently for some evidence of his Cupid-like influence. Both of them, however, seemed absorbed in answering the test questions. Oberon took this as a flattering demonstration of their respect for the course material. However, their affection must surely manifest itself once they had finished the quiz. At the end of the period, when the bell rang, Oberon dismissed all of the students except for Carmine and Amber.
"I am going to mark these quizzes," he told them. "While I do, I would like both of you to arrange the textbooks at the back of the room in chronological order of publication date. I shall return in half an hour to check on your progress."
"Yes, sir," said Amber and Carmine.
Oberon shut the door, smiling to himself, and took the test papers to his office to do a little marking to pass the time while nature took its course.
Aven's paper was unremarkable. However, Oberon was surprised and pleased to discover that Goodfellow's answers were excellent, concise and focused. This was unusual for Goodfellow, who had a tendency to get distracted at the drop of a hat, or the wink of a girl's eye.
Then Oberon came to Amber's paper:
Question 1. Compare and contrast the themes and plots of Pride & Prejudice and Little Women
Amber had refrained from her usual habit of decorating her paper with pink hearts, and had instead opted to simply answer the question.
Well, she wrote. They're both books about women sitting around talking and not doing anything particularly interesting. Then they pair off at the end. The storylines could have been vastly improved if the authors had included some shark fishing, or if one of the girls had dressed up as a boy and joined the navy.
Oberon scrutinized the signature on the paper, wondering if Goodfellow had added forgery to his list of misdemeanors.
He picked up Carmine's paper and read his answer to the same question:
Do you know, wrote Carmine, I never would have thought this, but women are really not that much different from men. I mean--really!
Oberon set the paper down and made straight for the classroom. As he opened the classroom door, he heard a shriek and something struck his face and burst, drenching him. He opened the door and received a shock. Not only were the books nowhere close to being organized (They were in a pile by the windows.), but all of the desks had been flipped onto their sides to form two walls at opposite ends of the classroom. Carmine was crouched behind one of them, holding something long and blue and eerily familiar-looking. Amber had ducked down behind the wall of desks, nearest Oberon.
"What's going on?!" said Oberon.
"She started it!" said Carmine.
"I did not!"
By now, Oberon had gotten a closer look at the object Carmine held in his hand, and he realized what it was. About a week ago, Goodfellow had purchased a box of condoms and brought them to class with him. He'd set them on his desk, on display for all to see. Oberon had confiscated them and put them in his desk drawer at the front of the classroom, where they had remained until now. Carmine and Amber had apparently found them, filled them up and were using them as water balloons.
Oberon gave Amber and Carmine detentions and ordered them to mop up the classroom, which they did, sniping at each other all the while. Oberon was mystified; his dreams of entangling them romantically seemed to have gone awry, and he didn't have the faintest idea why.
#
At noon, Aven and Goodfellow sat in the cafeteria eating their lunch when Aven spotted Amber coming towards them.
"Oh god," Aven groaned. "Here it comes. She's going to analyze every minute of class now: 'Do you think Carmine was really looking at me during the quiz? I could swear he was looking at me. Do you think he likes me?' And oh god, the sighing! The swooning! Spare me."
Amber sat down next to Goodfellow.
"What happened to you?" said Aven.
"What do you mean?" said Amber.
"I mean your clothes, your hair. You're a mess."
"Oh that. I got in a water-condom fight with Carmine. He's not much of a shot, but he got a few lucky hits in. I nailed him worse, though."
Goodfellow sniggered.
"You what?" said Aven. "Don't tell me you two got together?"
"You're kidding me," said Amber. "Carmine? He's totally annoying. And such a hick."
"Last week you were raving about his hick charisma," said Aven. "Are you feeling all right?"
"Wonderful, thanks," said Amber. "You know, I think I'll go for a walk." She stood up. "Oh--I almost forgot: Mr. Oberon sent me to tell you he wants to see both of you in his office."
"What for?" said Aven.
"He wouldn't say exactly, but he mentioned something about an assignment he'd given you two yesterday." Amber walked off.
As soon as she was gone Goodfellow burst out laughing.
"What?" said Aven.
Goodfellow regained control of himself and cleared his throat. "I think I've done Oberon one better."
"Out with it," said Aven.
"Last night, while you were looking under my bed, I tipped the phial out over Carmine."
"What? What did you put in his hand, Goodfellow?"
Goodfellow started to snort again and had to get himself under control.
"What did you give him?" Aven insisted.
"Nothing," said Goodfellow. "Nothing at all."
"Come on, Goodfellow."
"And," said Goodfellow, "while you were rummaging around in Amber's closet, I tipped some more of it out over her."
Aven seemed to sag in his chair. "And what did you put in her hand?"
"Nothing!" said Goodfellow, slapping the table gleefully.
"Oberon's going to give us detentions for this. You do realize that, don't you? Why do you always have to go and mess things up for everyone?"
"It makes life," said Goodfellow, "so much more interesting."
#
Oberon addressed Goodfellow and Aven. "Well?" he said. "I can clearly tell that something happened last night. Did you manage to pull it off?"
Aven, looking quite nervous, shot a dirty look at Goodfellow. "Well, sir, it's complicated... I mean, we thought we had something of Amber's to give to Carmine, but Goodfellow lost it. So we went to get something else of hers, and I found something, only, on our way back to the dorm, Goodfellow...sort of...fell on top of the phial and...broke it, sir."
"Goodfellow?" said Oberon. "Did you...?"
"To smithereens, sir," said Goodfellow, grinning.
"I knew I shouldn't have trusted you, Goodfellow. I'm very disappointed in you as well, Aven."
Goodfellow burst out laughing.
"I don't see what's so funny, Goodfellow," said Oberon.
"Actually there's a bit more to it than that," said Aven. "Goodfellow's only just now told me." Aven explained to Oberon what had happened the night before. He had to stop periodically as Goodfellow's giggle-fits drowned him out. Oberon didn't seem to grasp at first what Aven was saying.
Oberon addressed Goodfellow, "You mean you put something else into Amber's hand? Oh no, no, no! That won't do."
"I didn't put anything into her hand, sir. Nothing at all."
"Now look here, my instructions were very specific. Whatever is in the person's hand when the phial is emptied over them binds them to it."
"But, sir, Goodfellow says there was nothing--"
"Don't be obtuse, Aven. You can't be in love with nothing, can you? I mean, what would you do with yourself? Stop laughing, Goodfellow! There's nothing funny about two of my students using condoms for water balloons." Oberon went to the cupboard and took another phial from it. "Goodfellow, you are dismissed. Aven, stay here."
Goodfellow left, doubled over laughing.
"Now, Aven," said Oberon, giving Aven the phial. "I want you to give this to Carmine and Amber again...and Goodfellow too. And pick some nice, plain girl for Goodfellow--someone like Gaynor Fillblatt. I'm trusting you to do it properly this time. Now get out."
Outside Oberon's office, Aven found Goodfellow waiting for him.
"That could have been worse," Goodfellow remarked mildly.
"Shut up," said Aven tucking the phial safely into his pocket.
On their way back to their room, Aven said suddenly, "Weren't those your condoms Amber and Carmine were chucking at each other?"
"Yeah, so?" said Goodfellow. "It's not like I was going to use them."
"Pardon me, Mr. Amnesia. What about two weeks ago when you took two girls back to our room? Or how about when you dated the Felix sisters at the same time and neither of them knew? What about your date tonight with Babs Ketchum?"
"Oh my god," said Goodfellow suddenly, and he stopped in his tracks. "I did that. I mean...blech." He grimaced. "Sucking face with those girls and everything. What a ludicrous thing to do to another person!" He shuddered. "What was I thinking?"
"You're freaking me out here," said Aven. "Are you okay?"
"You'll have to tell Babs I'm busy tonight and I can't see her," said Goodfellow. "Really busy doing something else."
"And what would that be?" said Aven.
"Um...," said Goodfellow. "I could eat something. Something big that would take me a long time to finish. Perhaps an enormous piece of cake."
"Goodfellow...?"
"With five layers and whipped cream and big chunks of meringue in the middle." Goodfellow stared off into space with an enraptured expression. Then he headed off towards the cafeteria.
Aven watched him go.
That night as Aven stood over Carmine's bed with Amber's Alice band tucked into his hand, a thought occurred to him: if he followed the old man's instructions, he'd be sitting behind Amber and Carmine every day in class and would have to watch them madly pawing at each other. That wasn't particularly conducive to a good learning environment or to a peaceful life.
And he had to admit, the nights would be a lot quieter without Goodfellow bringing girls back to their room, as his interest seemed now to have shifted from girls to pastries.
Aven made a decision. He went into the bathroom and tipped the phial down the sink.
#
Oberon's dreams of attending Amber and Carmine's wedding were dashed. Much to his consternation and puzzlement, Amber and Carmine wanted nothing to do with each other. They and Goodfellow graduated from prep school without forming romantic attachments of any kind. Aven became a metaphysician and lived a life of glorious peace and poverty. Amber and Carmine built two boats together and sailed around the world in opposite directions. Goodfellow opened a bakery. His cake is the talk of the town.
Oberon went back to his alchemist and chased him around his house with a divining rod demanding a refund.
--
Seriously Banana Bread
by MILA
Makes 1 loaf
Ingredients, dry:
* 1/2 cup chocolate chips
* 1 3/4 cups whole wheat flour
* 1/2 cup granulated sugar or Splenda
* 1 tsp. baking powder
* 1/4 tsp. baking soda
* 1/4 tsp. salt
* 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
Ingredients, wet:
* 2 large eggs, lightly beaten
* 1/2 cup melted margarine or butter
* 2 cups mashed banana (4-6 bananas)
* 1 tsp. vanilla extract
Method:
Place oven rack in the middle and preheat oven to 350 F (180 C). Grease and flour a 9x5x3" (23x13x8cm) loaf pan.
In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. Stir in chocolate chips and set aside.
In another bowl, combine mashed bananas, eggs, melted margarine and vanilla. With a wooden spoon or a spatula, gently fold the wet ingredients into the dry until just combined (known as the muffin method). Do not over-stir. The batter will be chunky and thick. Scrape batter into prepared pan and bake until golden brown in colour and toothpick inserted into middle of loaf comes out clean, about 55-65 minutes. Transfer pan to wire rack until pan cool to the touch and then turn loaf out onto rack.
--
A Voice from the Celibate Side
by ROBYN Y. DEMBY
The first time I learned about asexuality was months ago when Montel Williams was interviewing David Jay on his show. My thoughts immediately rewound to the day I was at my cousin's house years ago. His wife and I had touched on the topic of sex and she told me, "I don't like sex. I don't care if I never have it again for the rest of my life." Another relative confided in me about the lack of sex in his marriage. I've also seen numerous talk shows about people in relationships – both male and female – who have expressed similar sentiments. Although my heart went out to the partner who was suffering feelings of rejection, if no medical problems were found, asexuality was the simple answer! I was riveted to the broadcast that day. Afterwards, I went online and visited the AVEN website, read articles, and saw other interviews. I noticed that before each interview began, the difference between celibacy and asexuality was made clear. Even so, as a 40-year old woman who has been celibate for years, I find two important similarities between asexuality and celibacy: We realize that sex is not a need and we know that we can live happy, healthy lives without it.
My reasons for choosing celibacy were not because of past abuse or sexual assault. As a matter of fact, I don't feel as if I've been hurt more then the average person. It's just that I was tired of the vicious cycle of failed relationships. Did I not have the tolerance needed to make a relationship work? Was it my attraction for the bad guys? Was it my inability to appreciate the good ones? Or was I just plain shallow? Whatever the reason, I had a choice to make: Stay in a bad relationship, continue in my quest for a good one, or just rid myself of a lifestyle that kept me connected to this vicious cycle of failed relationships. I chose to change my lifestyle.
I was never one for casual sex, but I did seek male companionship. But whenever I became close to a guy, those feelings of attraction would emerge, one thing would lead to another, and I'd end up in a sexual relationship. Then the relationship wouldn't work out, we'd break up, and I'd look for another man to get over the last one. If I wasn't aching from the pain of a break-up, I was trying to figure out how I was going to get out of a current relationship that wasn't working. Since the Bible is against premarital sex, I always felt that it was wrong, but it seemed to have this control over me. Feeling that my flesh was stronger than my mind always made me feel guilty, defeated, vulnerable, helpless, and not in charge of my life. No matter how many times I told myself that I was going to break out of the cycle of failed relationships, I would end up in another bad one. Even before I became a Christian, sex always left me feeling used and confused. The relentless failures began dragging me down. I was never at peace. I felt as if I were wasting my time when I could be expending my energy elsewhere like going to school and writing books.
I felt that if I had the discipline to wait until marriage, then I would have the perseverance to make that relationship work. So one day I asked God for the strength to break away from this cycle. When He gave me what I needed to let go of that lifestyle, I vowed to myself that my next sexual partner would be my husband. I'm not married yet, but that's okay. I've become so comfortable with celibacy over the years that I have embraced it as a peaceful and satisfying existence.
I was a little surprised that asexuals craved affection and romance, but then I asked myself, "Why not?" Yet the problem I see with this is when he or she knowingly enters into a relationship with a sexually active person and pretends to enjoy sex or lets their partner pressure them into it. Then once they get that wedding band on their finger, they reveal their true feelings about sex. There is also another problem with communication where asexuals are involved: those who do voice their disinterest are met with deaf ears, denial, confusion, and indignation. This uncovers another similarity that asexuals have with celibate people; as a celibate person, I also receive such reactions.
I've noticed a bothersome trend in all the interviews I have seen on asexuals. Journalists and talk show hosts suggest that asexuals should at least try sex. This is like making yourself eat fried liver when you don't want it. You've also tried it baked, grilled, and boiled, and you still don't like it. Society is screaming, "Eat liver! Who cares if you don't want it? Keep eating it anyway!" Nobody seems to comprehend that there is no reason to force yourself to do something that you are completely satisfied without.
On the Montel Williams show, Montel insisted that C.J., an asexual, keep trying different men until she found a partner who could convince her that sex was good. Yet I feel that it is a tragedy when people force themselves to embrace sex just to keep a relationship. How many men does she have to sleep with to prove that she has no desire for sex, especially when she already admitted she "gave it a good try?" Sex is not like trying different foods. There are things to consider such as the risk of acquiring emotional baggage when you engage in that lifestyle. An analysis by the National Campaign reveals that about half of all pregnancies in America are unwanted. More studies, such as those done by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, have shown that 19 million new sexually transmitted diseases strike people each year. So since an overwhelming amount of the population is not practicing safe sex, there are also unwanted pregnancies and STDs to consider (for more information, visit www.TheNationalCampaign.org and http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats/trends2005.htm).
Dr. Joy Davidson, a certified sex therapist who appeared on ABC Primetime for an interview in September 2006, totally ignores the beauty of asexuality and is convinced that something is wrong with this orientation. She went as far as to suggest asexuals might as well also label themselves as "unadventurous….narrow minded," and "blind to the possibilities." Her words infuriated me. When sex therapists start spouting off about repressed sexuality, homosexual tendencies and past issues that cause a person to shut down his or her sexuality, then they are trying to shine a negative light in an area that should be viewed as positive. She might be right about me as far as past issues are concerned, but I think people should envy asexuals instead of looking at them as if something is wrong with them. In my opinion, lacking sexual desire would be a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Since Dr. Davidson wants to place negative labels on asexuals, let us feel free to flip the scrutiny around to some sexual people and place negative labels on them also: Let us go as far as to suggest that some people who are sexually active are afraid of being alone. Since most relationships involve sex, it's like a trade-off. Before I became celibate, I was once in a relationship in which I didn't enjoy having sex, but I continued to do it just to keep the peace. I was afraid of being alone at the time because I felt I needed that euphoria that came along with being in a relationship. Without that feeling, I was bored. I came across an interview in PARADE Magazine where Halle Berry said, "Not having love is scarier than going through adversity."
How about the label that many sexually active people may be looking for something to fill an emotional void in their lives, or clinging to a relationship because they fear their lover will soon tire of them? Two of my sisters have admitted to me that they let men pressure them into sex so the men would remain with them. Based on talk shows I've seen with people who have no sexual desire and who are in relationships with sexually active people, I suspect they too are afraid of being alone.
There is one more label I'd like to assign to the sexual side, just to even out the scrutiny: There are those who are using sex to get attention. Women who prance around in revealing clothes or exploit themselves as they gyrate in music videos are good examples of that desperate cry for attention.
Since 99% of people are sexual, maybe we should do a study on how many people are living an unhappy existence because of it. What is baffling is how many people will not admit that it is the root of their problems. Don't get me wrong, sex can be wonderful with the right person, but the negative aspects of premarital sex are blaringly obvious. So my question is this: Why do sexual people ignore the havoc that this act can bring into their lives and frown at those who are reaping the peaceful benefits of sex free lives?
To know there is a name for this orientation gives asexuals the courage to take a stand and identify themselves. I applaud those who stand tall and proud as I hope more will come forward and announce their orientation. Living a sex-free life is beautiful, rewarding, and gives you more time to channel your energy throughout areas of your life that will blossom into much success.
Robyn Y. Demby is the author of What the Storyteller Brings.
--
Featured AVENite: "AntiBubble"
a personage from the forums that you'd like to get to know better
Name: Bubble
Age: 22
Location: The Land of Purple Aardvarks, talking to the flowers.
Preferred Label(s): The lesbian end of bi-asexual.
Bio: Once upon a time in a faraway land, a little spider called Bubble looked up the term "asexual" for a friend, and lo! she did discover a world of purple and cake. On AVEN I am a Project Team moderator and can usually be found causing chaos in Just For Fun or arranging to dash off to London at a moment's notice to meet people in the pub. Off AVEN I'm a student with a number of obsessions including Tolkien, metal music, spiders, books of pretty much any description and writing. I also love my trusty fountain pen, refuse to write more than a sentence with anything else, and hate biros with a passion. Get a proper pen!
How she came to AVEN: I googled asexuality for a friend that I thought was asexual, found AVEN as a result and swiftly realised it was more relevant to me than to the friend. I joined the forum after lurking for a good while and haven't got round to escaping yet. This is probably a good thing as I quite like it here and someone needs to keep Amcan in order.
The most important thing about AVEN: To spread the word while having as much fun and creating as much chaos as possible. Also there is not nearly enough cake and purple in the world, or asexuality awareness for that matter, and I'm sick of people saying "Whaaat?!" when I tell them I'm asexual.
Advice for newcomers: Come and join us! We don't bite! Well Goonie does, but we're on working on that...
The following is excerpted from AntiBubble's first post to the AVEN forums:
I've been seriously confused about my sexuality for as long as I've been thinking about it, and asexuality is the first thing that's made sense in I don't know how long. I want a relationship, but I don't want the sexual aspect - I've never wanted that. I have some sexual feelings, but no desire to follow them through - I have done before now, and felt nothing physically or mentally. I've felt like a freak for so long, it's nice to find other people that might be able to relate to what I'm feeling.
- AntiBubble, November 13, 2006, "Howdy..." in Welcome Lounge.
--
Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere. AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demi-sexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is a list of what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1750 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of the AVEN forums: If you're hanging out online and see a post that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition, tell us about it!
Reader responses: We love getting letters, whether it's agreement with something, disagreement with something, questions, general comments, praise, curses, suggestions, or anything else you can throw at us!
Art and photography: We often use photos from AVEN meetups, but we love art, too, and anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including.
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give AVENues' inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days.
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