AVENues Issue #9
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Carolyn Lamb
Sep 17, 2007, 11:02:34 AM9/17/07
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AVENues Issue #9 - Saturday, September 15, 2007 (text version posted to the AVENues Google group / RSS September 15, 2007)
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/home/images/stories/newsletter/2007_09_15.pdf
--
Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A monthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to further showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
--
Contents:
1. "New Project Team: A New Hope or Same Old?"
2. News of the Summer
3. "Mix 'n' Match? The ups and downs of a mixed relationship"
4. From the Forum
5. "Study on asexuality creates questions while searching for answers"
6. "The Firm"
The PDF version of this newsletter also includes a crossword and cover art that are not available in text-only form.
--
New Project Team: A New Hope or Same Old?
By SAM B.I.
The new Project Team, elected in August in a vote open to all AVEN members, had barely started revamping the Project Team forum when it ran into organisational problems and opposition, not to mention a strong "guiding" hand from AVEN's Admods.
History
The new Project Team was elected after the previous team was disbanded. Several members of AVEN criticised the previous Project Team for elitism and a lack of organisation and coherence. During this process, which took place in the Visibility, Education and Organizing forum in June, participants discussed the possible nature of the new Project Team without setting clear guidelines for the new team.
The six new moderators of the Project Team forum are Hallucigenia, M51, KBRD143, SpirallingSnowy, Coleslaw and AntiBubble. Of these, only Hallucigenia and SpirallingSnowy were members of the previous Project Team.
"My personal immediate goal is to organize the forum so any newbie can go into the forum and immediately see what projects are going on, who is working on them and what kind of help is needed," said M51.
One of the criticisms members of AVEN levelled at the previous Project Team was that the Project Team's processes were not necessarily as transparent as they could have been. The new Project Team aims to be different.
"It [an AVEN project] will be revealed to the masses from square one... Anyone will be able to see what has been planned on the Project Team forum. In regards to the actual organization and release of projects, nothing will be done in secret. If anyone feels that more work needs to be put in on certain projects, then they will have many opportunities to say so," Coleslaw said.
Transparency
Celebrations were fairly short-lived as a major discussion started as soon as M51 posted several drafts of Project Team forum guidelines. The discussion initially took place on the Admod forum, which is invisible and inaccessible to non-Admods, and later on the Project Team forum – now open to all members of AVEN.
One of the new Project Team moderators posted a new thread in the hidden Admod forum. M51 said that this was done to give the Project Team a chance to discuss things amongst themselves before posting to the forum, where posts might be taken as final when they are not.
The Admods, including Project Team member and administrator KBRD143, criticized the Project Team for doing this.
The Admods and the Project Team have also disagreed on the organisation of the Project Team forum.
"I think what the Admods had in mind and what the Project Team members have in mind seem to be two completely different things," Spiralling Snowy said.
As of press time, neither the Project Team nor the Admod Team had responded to questions relating to the disagreement between the two teams.
The Project Team's Boundaries
M51 responded to the criticism by posting drafts of the Project Team Mission Statement, a set of guidelines for starting an AVEN project and a questionnaire in the Project Team forum. All three drafts sparked a passionate debate which led Antibubble to announce that she would withdraw from visible discussions for the foreseeable future.
The most controversial problem was that M51, backed by Coleslaw and Antibubble, suggested that the Project Team might issue warnings should a project be released before the Project Team has approved it. She pointed out that it would be very detrimental to AVEN's image if it is seen to endorse anti-gay statements and the like – the threat of a warning could dissuade people from publishing projects before they could be checked for such material.
The Evil Cashew and Spinneret, both AVEN moderators, strongly disliked the idea of such warnings. Spinneret pointed out that it would be impossible to regulate off-forum behaviour and The Evil Cashew said that people should be free to publicise asexuality in any way that they can.
The proposal of giving warnings was dropped, but the use of the AVEN logo would still remain restricted. KBRD143 said that it was already trademarked to AVEN by law and echidna has suggested looking further into the matter.
The Project Team would arbitrate decisions made in the name of AVEN asexual visibility and endorse the use of the AVEN logo. Projects to be endorsed by AVEN would require greater scrutiny.
Open Doors
The phrasing of the initial drafts caused additional disagreement. Spinneret said that it was intimidating. Echidna felt that the drafts' contents were helpful, but that by wording them differently, members of AVEN would feel more encouraged to contribute ideas or to help with projects.
M51 rewrote the drafts and these have not caused any protest from members who objected on the previous drafts. The new drafts made it clear that anyone can start or contribute to a project and that all projects would be welcomed.
After the first few chaotic weeks, the Project Team has ironed out most of the major problems associated with organising the forum and has started focussing on organising projects. It remains to be seen if they will be more successful than the previous Project Team.
--
News of the Summer
The two biggest news items in AVENland this month are the new Project Team and the new study on asexuality in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. This issue of AVENues has full articles giving you the scoop on both!
Asexualove.net, the beloved asexual personals web site, has shut down. However, there's a new asexual personals site starting out, called "A-date", and managed by an AVENite (though it is not officially affiliated with AVEN). You can find it at: http://www.strait-a.net/personals/
Asexuality is still making the news! Check out the September issue of Bitch magazine, the Aug. 28 issue of The Naughty American, and the Aug. 9 issue of the Gay and Lesbian Times in San Diego. On the way, you can also look into Entertaining a Ghost, a new zine on the topic of relationships from an asexual perspective. We've also overhauled the Wikipedia page on asexuality.
Meanwhile, media people who are still looking for asexuals to interview include Big Mouth Films in New York, and a pair of film students in Southampton, England. Visit the AVEN forums or e-mail us for more information.
If you're active on the AVEN forums, the new Project Team is looking for people to fill several positions, including static content managers.
--
Mix 'n' Match?
The ups and downs of a mixed relationship
By FREED_SPIRIT
What is a mixed relationship?
A relationship between an asexual and a sexual partner, gay or straight. Either partner can be the asexual one. For some couples, it is an entirely successful union. For many, the "mix" presents challenges. A couple can be very happy together, deeply in love, compatible or successfully compromising on every level except one – sex. Here they face a deep divide, unlike any other factor in a relationship. La_Gioconda describes this succinctly: "For sexuals sex creates intimacy, for asexuals sex compromises intimacy".
Why would anyone want a mixed relationship?
Why indeed? Well, for many couples, this isn't the type of relationship they have consciously chosen to start! Romantic asexuals can feel love and physical attraction. If you don't know you are asexual, you can go happily falling in love with a sexual person without any real idea that sex for them is a very different experience. I know, it happened to me, more than once.
There is also the issue of supply and demand! Current estimates suggest that asexuals comprise 1 percent of the population, which means finding an aware asexual in a café near you is a little unlikely. AVEN is doing wonderful work on visibility, but we have some way to go before asexuality is an accepted and openly talked about orientation, and meeting asexual people is commonplace.
And finally – Cupid's arrow seems to have no logical components. Falling in love is never to order, however hard we try (asexual please, and no addictions, oh and gorgeous too!)
What goes on in a mixed relationship?
Typically, an existing couple only discovers they have a mixed relationship when they realise one partner is asexual. They may have been together for years, and kept stumbling against the issue of sex without being able to resolve it. This is the hardest time, before the asexual knows that's what they are. They think they are the only one who doesn't desire sex, because outside society is so very sexual and because the word "asexual" is just not mentioned. They think there is something wrong with them for feeling this way.
Meanwhile the sexual partner feels deeply and personally rejected. To them, love and sex are all part of the same feeling, and sex is the purest way they have of expressing that love. If their partner doesn't want to make love surely it means they don't love them, don't find them attractive. For the asexual, romantic love is expressed in a myriad of ways, but not sexually. For me, holding hands, kissing and cuddling aren't a prelude to making love, they are making love. Of course, for a sexual person, these activities are only the start of lovemaking, which will culminate naturally in sex.
So a kissing snuggling couple reaches a point where the asexual suddenly finds the mood changing from loving to something almost opposite. M51 describes it perfectly from an asexual point of view: "You have been completely left behind during the act. The sexual is going somewhere you can't follow. Which if it is a stranger is not so bad, because you don't really care if you follow or not. But with someone who you long to have an intimate connection with, being "abandoned" (and I know sexuals don't see it that way but that is sort of how it feels for us) really hurts… It's like being offered an amazing piece of cake and then being punched in the face as soon as you take the first bite. Eventually you learn to just say no to the cake, and deal with the fact that your needs for intimacy will never be met."
This is the messy, painful, heartbreaking stage of a mixed relationship. I was unlucky in not finding AVEN before this cruel disparity had split my love and I apart. My partner angrily said, "I might as well be single again", and I was very shocked. To me, we had a deep love and shared everything else, we had only this one "little" issue. As Hayley Vos-Nalle says, "She's tense and snappy if she doesn't get any, while I'm tense and snappy if I get some".
When a couple does realise that one partner is asexual, hopefully finding AVEN at the same time, it is finally possible to move on from this apparent dead-end. Time after time people post on the forums, flooded with relief that this issue has nothing to do with them personally, and that they are not alone in going through these feelings. Now they can take the focus away from blaming each other, because this is nobody's fault, and start to work through whether they can make the relationship succeed.
Do mixed relationships ever work?
Yes! Mixed relationships can work, and couples find different solutions that suit them. The single most important factor is communication. It is a huge relief for the asexual partner to know that is what they are. Talking about this most intimate subject is rarely easy, but it is essential if both partners are to fully understand one another.
Partners who want a closed relationship (just the two of them) have to reach some form of compromise to be fair to both parties. Their ideals in sexual behaviour are at odds - the asexual would be happy never to have sex, the sexual would be happy with fully loving sex (some, or plenty, or lots!) Some sexual members of AVEN have described how making love with an asexual partner is simply not the same because they know it is always a compromise. In a fair relationship, neither party will ever reach their ideals and the compromise is recognised as a very difficult one. It is hardest when the relationship began before the one partner realised they were asexual. My heart goes out to all the couples working through this.
Other couples opt for an open relationship, where the sexual partner is free to seek sexual expression elsewhere. There is a possible danger that those sexual bonds will become strong and overwhelm the primary partnership. Again, open communication is the key to making this work. A new AVENite, Isillote, writes of her 12 year relationship: "it is possible for a sexual and an asexual person to have a great relationship… I think our relationship works so well because we love each other for what we are, and not for what we'd like each other to be, and we respect and trust each other absolutely... He loves me for allowing him the freedom to have sex elsewhere, I love him for respecting that I don't like sex, and both of us understand that our love for each other is undiminished."
Beautiful.
Personally, I am very optimistic that I could make a new mixed relationship work. Thanks to finding AVEN, and accepting myself as a romantic asexual, I now know what I can give and how I would be willing to compromise. I feel very differently about sex now that I have had a chance to work out what my boundaries are, and to know that having these boundaries is not weird. It makes all the difference to be able to talk about this from the start of a new relationship, so that both partners fully understand how their love can be expressed.
--
From the Forum
A selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN web site
I love my three cousins deeply and passionately (though not romantically or sexually), and in the past I saw it as unrequited. It was painful and frustrating.
Now? I've chosen a different path, a different approach to it. I've stopped loving with expectations. Now I love because of love itself and the love I feel for them does not need any further justification other than its own existence. I want to love with an unconditional, divine love and thus, I can't repress it or allow myself to feel bitter if it isn't returned to the same extent. There is no on/off switch. I feel what I feel and I now see that expressing what I feel, regardless of the reaction I get, is what's right.
Hard? Hell, yes. But so far, I'm truckin' on. On a spiritual level, I believe it is the best thing to do in the long run.
- Poetic.Love, Saturday July 7, "Love?" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
It seems to me that although asexuality can be (very loosely) defined as not being sexually attracted to other people, it's important to remember that sex, attraction, romance, relationships, etc, are much more complex than just biology ("I have an urge" vs . "I don't") – there's a whole bunch of socialization, cultural inheritance, personal experiences that go into it as well. While I do agree that sex doesn't necessarily equal love or relationships, our society has managed to tie it all together in a pretty complex, sticky knot.
- Dindrane, Sunday July 22, "Still got some issues..." in Asexual Q&A
Seriously, I think we have lots of different ways of working out what the language means, in relation to different kinds of relationships, and I'm never sure about the word "romantic". I do feel differently close to some people than in conventional friendships, and might as well include myself in that. For me I think the trick is not to worry about how other people, sexual people, who worry about "dating", use those words.
- Wordwitch, Friday Aug 31, "Autoromanticism?" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
AVEN posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarially express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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Study on asexuality creates questions while searching for answers
By T_S
A study published in the June 2007 volume of "Archives of Sexual Behavior" on asexuality left researchers Cynthia Graham and Nicole Prause with many questions but few conclusive answers.
"I guess one of the main things that this study suggests is that people who identify as asexual may have different experiences," Graham, one of the researchers, said via e-mail. "Although a simple point, I think that our study suggests that there are many unanswered questions in this area!"
Graham, a research tutor for the Oxford Doctoral Course in Clinical Psychology in the United Kingdom, co-authored "Asexuality: Classification and Characterization" with fellow researcher Prause, of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University in the United States.
In the study, the two researchers started with the ambitious goal of distinguishing precisely what differentiates someone who identifies as asexual from someone who does not.
In order to find commonalities between self-identifying asexuals, such as asexual visitors to AVEN, Graham and Prause conducted two studies.
In the first study, they interviewed four self-identifying asexuals from the Midwestern United States who were compensated $20 for serving as research participants. The participants, three women and one man, filled out a survey and were interviewed.
According to Graham and Prause's study, the researchers discovered four themes from their interviews.
The first was that the asexuals they interviewed seemed to label fewer activities "sexual" in comparison with sexuals. For example, two of the female participants who had engaged in masturbation said they did not necessarily view the act as sexual.
"Specifically," the study says, "one of the two participants said, 'I would say masturbation doesn't necessarily make you sexual,' while the other struggled to clarify her perspective, saying, 'I can't explain it, it doesn't seem sexual.'"
The interviews also revealed that the asexuals interviewed viewed lack of sexual interest rather than lack of sexual experience as the defining feature of asexuality.
Additionally, the participants said, overall, that if they were to engage in sexual activity, it would likely be due to curiosity or the expectations of a partner.
"I suppose if I ever got married to someone, I would sort of feel like, I want to sort of learn how to 'do' sex because it may be beneficial for this person with me," one of the female participants said in the report.
Lastly, the four interviewees voiced their concerns about asexuality.
"All but one had questioned why they were asexual and had worried about whether they were 'normal,'" the report says.
Specifically, one participant worried that she was not like everybody else.
"I feel that I should be normal," she said, "not that I do have a clear idea of what is normal."
The second study Graham and Prause conducted was based off of hypotheses suggested by the results of the first study.
One of these hypotheses was that "individuals who identify as asexual have a specific lack of sexual desire, although they may not necessarily lack sexual motivation"
The researchers gathered participants for this second study though undergraduate psychology courses at large universities and online through advertisements at AVEN and kinseyinstitute.org. From this, the researchers obtained 1,146 useable responses.
One of the report's findings is that an equal number of men and women appear to be asexual. The report does say, however, that asexuals were more likely to have completed college and to be single and that asexuals were significantly older than non-asexuals who replied to the survey.
According to the study, "Asexuals reported being no more worried about their level of sexual desire … than non-asexuals."
Asexuals and sexuals also differed significantly in what they perceived as the advantages and disadvantages of asexuality.
In the report, asexuals cite the benefits of asexuality more often than sexuals, particularly the benefits of "lower health risks" and "benefits of free time."
In regard to drawbacks, asexuals were more likely to cite "needing to find out what problem was causing the asexuality," as opposed to sexuals, who generally cited "missing the positive aspects of sex."
One significant result of the study by Graham and Prause is that it challenges previous findings in a study of asexuality by A. F. Bogaert in 2004. Particularly, Bogaert found a high percentage of asexuals to be female.
"We did not find a gender or relationship status difference between sexuals and asexuals," Graham and Prause say in their study.
Also, where Bogaert found that a lower percentage of asexuals had completed college, Graham and Prause found that a higher percentage had actually completed college as compared to non-asexuals.
Third, Bogaert found that non-asexuals had had more sexual partners over their lifetimes, but Graham and Prause found no significant difference in the lifetime number of sexual partners reported by asexuals and non-asexuals.
"These data suggest that the item used in the Bogaert (2004) study to identify asexuals likely failed to identify many individuals who would have chosen to self-identify as asexual given the opportunity," Graham and Prause's report says. "Whatever the explanation for the divergent findings, it is clear that further research is needed on the correlates of asexuality."
Graham said that she and Prause do hope to do more research in the future on asexuality, as their study left them with many unanswered questions. However, she said that she and Prause are not likely to conduct a new study in the next year.
"I think that there are many questions that future studies will address, including further exploration of exactly what people mean when they use the term 'asexual,'" Graham said.
In the study, Graham and Prause say one promising direction for future studies on asexuality is "kindling," or whether or not asexuals can become sensitized to a previously uninteresting stimulus – sex.
Graham did say that there is another researcher who recently conducted an in-depth study of asexuality. However, the study is not yet published so Graham could not comment on it.
"To our knowledge, this was the first study to investigate the defining features of individuals who self-identify as asexual," Graham and Prause say in their study. "Future research should continue to explore this population."
--
The Firm
by DESIDERIO VALACCO
This is the firm that produces
photocopies
of the best days of our
lives
for instance: you can see identical
women
with whom you've ever or never been in love
before
if you drive your car to absent
places
just take a cassette off of your
cassette player
and you'll hear the sound of everything good
that
didn't
happen.
--
Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere.
AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demi-sexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is a list of what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1500 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of the AVEN forums: If you're hanging out online and see a post that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition, tell us about it!
Reader responses: It only takes a few seconds to send us your take on the latest Food For Thought question, and if you have anything else to say to us, we love getting letters!
Art and photography: We normally use photos from AVEN meetups, but anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including.
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give AVENues' inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days.
The full PDF version of this newsletter can be found here: http://www.asexuality.org/home/images/stories/newsletter/2007_09_15.pdf
--
Asexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.
AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an online community and resource archive striving to create open and honest discussion about asexuality among asexual and sexual people alike.
AVENues: A monthly publication available online, created by members of the AVEN community in order to further showcase our thoughts and promote discussion by and about asexuals.
For more information, visit http://www.asexuality.org.
--
Contents:
1. "New Project Team: A New Hope or Same Old?"
2. News of the Summer
3. "Mix 'n' Match? The ups and downs of a mixed relationship"
4. From the Forum
5. "Study on asexuality creates questions while searching for answers"
6. "The Firm"
The PDF version of this newsletter also includes a crossword and cover art that are not available in text-only form.
--
New Project Team: A New Hope or Same Old?
By SAM B.I.
The new Project Team, elected in August in a vote open to all AVEN members, had barely started revamping the Project Team forum when it ran into organisational problems and opposition, not to mention a strong "guiding" hand from AVEN's Admods.
History
The new Project Team was elected after the previous team was disbanded. Several members of AVEN criticised the previous Project Team for elitism and a lack of organisation and coherence. During this process, which took place in the Visibility, Education and Organizing forum in June, participants discussed the possible nature of the new Project Team without setting clear guidelines for the new team.
The six new moderators of the Project Team forum are Hallucigenia, M51, KBRD143, SpirallingSnowy, Coleslaw and AntiBubble. Of these, only Hallucigenia and SpirallingSnowy were members of the previous Project Team.
"My personal immediate goal is to organize the forum so any newbie can go into the forum and immediately see what projects are going on, who is working on them and what kind of help is needed," said M51.
One of the criticisms members of AVEN levelled at the previous Project Team was that the Project Team's processes were not necessarily as transparent as they could have been. The new Project Team aims to be different.
"It [an AVEN project] will be revealed to the masses from square one... Anyone will be able to see what has been planned on the Project Team forum. In regards to the actual organization and release of projects, nothing will be done in secret. If anyone feels that more work needs to be put in on certain projects, then they will have many opportunities to say so," Coleslaw said.
Transparency
Celebrations were fairly short-lived as a major discussion started as soon as M51 posted several drafts of Project Team forum guidelines. The discussion initially took place on the Admod forum, which is invisible and inaccessible to non-Admods, and later on the Project Team forum – now open to all members of AVEN.
One of the new Project Team moderators posted a new thread in the hidden Admod forum. M51 said that this was done to give the Project Team a chance to discuss things amongst themselves before posting to the forum, where posts might be taken as final when they are not.
The Admods, including Project Team member and administrator KBRD143, criticized the Project Team for doing this.
The Admods and the Project Team have also disagreed on the organisation of the Project Team forum.
"I think what the Admods had in mind and what the Project Team members have in mind seem to be two completely different things," Spiralling Snowy said.
As of press time, neither the Project Team nor the Admod Team had responded to questions relating to the disagreement between the two teams.
The Project Team's Boundaries
M51 responded to the criticism by posting drafts of the Project Team Mission Statement, a set of guidelines for starting an AVEN project and a questionnaire in the Project Team forum. All three drafts sparked a passionate debate which led Antibubble to announce that she would withdraw from visible discussions for the foreseeable future.
The most controversial problem was that M51, backed by Coleslaw and Antibubble, suggested that the Project Team might issue warnings should a project be released before the Project Team has approved it. She pointed out that it would be very detrimental to AVEN's image if it is seen to endorse anti-gay statements and the like – the threat of a warning could dissuade people from publishing projects before they could be checked for such material.
The Evil Cashew and Spinneret, both AVEN moderators, strongly disliked the idea of such warnings. Spinneret pointed out that it would be impossible to regulate off-forum behaviour and The Evil Cashew said that people should be free to publicise asexuality in any way that they can.
The proposal of giving warnings was dropped, but the use of the AVEN logo would still remain restricted. KBRD143 said that it was already trademarked to AVEN by law and echidna has suggested looking further into the matter.
The Project Team would arbitrate decisions made in the name of AVEN asexual visibility and endorse the use of the AVEN logo. Projects to be endorsed by AVEN would require greater scrutiny.
Open Doors
The phrasing of the initial drafts caused additional disagreement. Spinneret said that it was intimidating. Echidna felt that the drafts' contents were helpful, but that by wording them differently, members of AVEN would feel more encouraged to contribute ideas or to help with projects.
M51 rewrote the drafts and these have not caused any protest from members who objected on the previous drafts. The new drafts made it clear that anyone can start or contribute to a project and that all projects would be welcomed.
After the first few chaotic weeks, the Project Team has ironed out most of the major problems associated with organising the forum and has started focussing on organising projects. It remains to be seen if they will be more successful than the previous Project Team.
--
News of the Summer
The two biggest news items in AVENland this month are the new Project Team and the new study on asexuality in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. This issue of AVENues has full articles giving you the scoop on both!
Asexualove.net, the beloved asexual personals web site, has shut down. However, there's a new asexual personals site starting out, called "A-date", and managed by an AVENite (though it is not officially affiliated with AVEN). You can find it at: http://www.strait-a.net/personals/
Asexuality is still making the news! Check out the September issue of Bitch magazine, the Aug. 28 issue of The Naughty American, and the Aug. 9 issue of the Gay and Lesbian Times in San Diego. On the way, you can also look into Entertaining a Ghost, a new zine on the topic of relationships from an asexual perspective. We've also overhauled the Wikipedia page on asexuality.
Meanwhile, media people who are still looking for asexuals to interview include Big Mouth Films in New York, and a pair of film students in Southampton, England. Visit the AVEN forums or e-mail us for more information.
If you're active on the AVEN forums, the new Project Team is looking for people to fill several positions, including static content managers.
--
Mix 'n' Match?
The ups and downs of a mixed relationship
By FREED_SPIRIT
What is a mixed relationship?
A relationship between an asexual and a sexual partner, gay or straight. Either partner can be the asexual one. For some couples, it is an entirely successful union. For many, the "mix" presents challenges. A couple can be very happy together, deeply in love, compatible or successfully compromising on every level except one – sex. Here they face a deep divide, unlike any other factor in a relationship. La_Gioconda describes this succinctly: "For sexuals sex creates intimacy, for asexuals sex compromises intimacy".
Why would anyone want a mixed relationship?
Why indeed? Well, for many couples, this isn't the type of relationship they have consciously chosen to start! Romantic asexuals can feel love and physical attraction. If you don't know you are asexual, you can go happily falling in love with a sexual person without any real idea that sex for them is a very different experience. I know, it happened to me, more than once.
There is also the issue of supply and demand! Current estimates suggest that asexuals comprise 1 percent of the population, which means finding an aware asexual in a café near you is a little unlikely. AVEN is doing wonderful work on visibility, but we have some way to go before asexuality is an accepted and openly talked about orientation, and meeting asexual people is commonplace.
And finally – Cupid's arrow seems to have no logical components. Falling in love is never to order, however hard we try (asexual please, and no addictions, oh and gorgeous too!)
What goes on in a mixed relationship?
Typically, an existing couple only discovers they have a mixed relationship when they realise one partner is asexual. They may have been together for years, and kept stumbling against the issue of sex without being able to resolve it. This is the hardest time, before the asexual knows that's what they are. They think they are the only one who doesn't desire sex, because outside society is so very sexual and because the word "asexual" is just not mentioned. They think there is something wrong with them for feeling this way.
Meanwhile the sexual partner feels deeply and personally rejected. To them, love and sex are all part of the same feeling, and sex is the purest way they have of expressing that love. If their partner doesn't want to make love surely it means they don't love them, don't find them attractive. For the asexual, romantic love is expressed in a myriad of ways, but not sexually. For me, holding hands, kissing and cuddling aren't a prelude to making love, they are making love. Of course, for a sexual person, these activities are only the start of lovemaking, which will culminate naturally in sex.
So a kissing snuggling couple reaches a point where the asexual suddenly finds the mood changing from loving to something almost opposite. M51 describes it perfectly from an asexual point of view: "You have been completely left behind during the act. The sexual is going somewhere you can't follow. Which if it is a stranger is not so bad, because you don't really care if you follow or not. But with someone who you long to have an intimate connection with, being "abandoned" (and I know sexuals don't see it that way but that is sort of how it feels for us) really hurts… It's like being offered an amazing piece of cake and then being punched in the face as soon as you take the first bite. Eventually you learn to just say no to the cake, and deal with the fact that your needs for intimacy will never be met."
This is the messy, painful, heartbreaking stage of a mixed relationship. I was unlucky in not finding AVEN before this cruel disparity had split my love and I apart. My partner angrily said, "I might as well be single again", and I was very shocked. To me, we had a deep love and shared everything else, we had only this one "little" issue. As Hayley Vos-Nalle says, "She's tense and snappy if she doesn't get any, while I'm tense and snappy if I get some".
When a couple does realise that one partner is asexual, hopefully finding AVEN at the same time, it is finally possible to move on from this apparent dead-end. Time after time people post on the forums, flooded with relief that this issue has nothing to do with them personally, and that they are not alone in going through these feelings. Now they can take the focus away from blaming each other, because this is nobody's fault, and start to work through whether they can make the relationship succeed.
Do mixed relationships ever work?
Yes! Mixed relationships can work, and couples find different solutions that suit them. The single most important factor is communication. It is a huge relief for the asexual partner to know that is what they are. Talking about this most intimate subject is rarely easy, but it is essential if both partners are to fully understand one another.
Partners who want a closed relationship (just the two of them) have to reach some form of compromise to be fair to both parties. Their ideals in sexual behaviour are at odds - the asexual would be happy never to have sex, the sexual would be happy with fully loving sex (some, or plenty, or lots!) Some sexual members of AVEN have described how making love with an asexual partner is simply not the same because they know it is always a compromise. In a fair relationship, neither party will ever reach their ideals and the compromise is recognised as a very difficult one. It is hardest when the relationship began before the one partner realised they were asexual. My heart goes out to all the couples working through this.
Other couples opt for an open relationship, where the sexual partner is free to seek sexual expression elsewhere. There is a possible danger that those sexual bonds will become strong and overwhelm the primary partnership. Again, open communication is the key to making this work. A new AVENite, Isillote, writes of her 12 year relationship: "it is possible for a sexual and an asexual person to have a great relationship… I think our relationship works so well because we love each other for what we are, and not for what we'd like each other to be, and we respect and trust each other absolutely... He loves me for allowing him the freedom to have sex elsewhere, I love him for respecting that I don't like sex, and both of us understand that our love for each other is undiminished."
Beautiful.
Personally, I am very optimistic that I could make a new mixed relationship work. Thanks to finding AVEN, and accepting myself as a romantic asexual, I now know what I can give and how I would be willing to compromise. I feel very differently about sex now that I have had a chance to work out what my boundaries are, and to know that having these boundaries is not weird. It makes all the difference to be able to talk about this from the start of a new relationship, so that both partners fully understand how their love can be expressed.
--
From the Forum
A selection of posts from the discussion boards on the AVEN web site
I love my three cousins deeply and passionately (though not romantically or sexually), and in the past I saw it as unrequited. It was painful and frustrating.
Now? I've chosen a different path, a different approach to it. I've stopped loving with expectations. Now I love because of love itself and the love I feel for them does not need any further justification other than its own existence. I want to love with an unconditional, divine love and thus, I can't repress it or allow myself to feel bitter if it isn't returned to the same extent. There is no on/off switch. I feel what I feel and I now see that expressing what I feel, regardless of the reaction I get, is what's right.
Hard? Hell, yes. But so far, I'm truckin' on. On a spiritual level, I believe it is the best thing to do in the long run.
- Poetic.Love, Saturday July 7, "Love?" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
It seems to me that although asexuality can be (very loosely) defined as not being sexually attracted to other people, it's important to remember that sex, attraction, romance, relationships, etc, are much more complex than just biology ("I have an urge" vs . "I don't") – there's a whole bunch of socialization, cultural inheritance, personal experiences that go into it as well. While I do agree that sex doesn't necessarily equal love or relationships, our society has managed to tie it all together in a pretty complex, sticky knot.
- Dindrane, Sunday July 22, "Still got some issues..." in Asexual Q&A
Seriously, I think we have lots of different ways of working out what the language means, in relation to different kinds of relationships, and I'm never sure about the word "romantic". I do feel differently close to some people than in conventional friendships, and might as well include myself in that. For me I think the trick is not to worry about how other people, sexual people, who worry about "dating", use those words.
- Wordwitch, Friday Aug 31, "Autoromanticism?" in Asexual Musings and Rantings
AVEN posts belong to their respective authors and do not necessarially express the official views of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
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Study on asexuality creates questions while searching for answers
By T_S
A study published in the June 2007 volume of "Archives of Sexual Behavior" on asexuality left researchers Cynthia Graham and Nicole Prause with many questions but few conclusive answers.
"I guess one of the main things that this study suggests is that people who identify as asexual may have different experiences," Graham, one of the researchers, said via e-mail. "Although a simple point, I think that our study suggests that there are many unanswered questions in this area!"
Graham, a research tutor for the Oxford Doctoral Course in Clinical Psychology in the United Kingdom, co-authored "Asexuality: Classification and Characterization" with fellow researcher Prause, of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University in the United States.
In the study, the two researchers started with the ambitious goal of distinguishing precisely what differentiates someone who identifies as asexual from someone who does not.
In order to find commonalities between self-identifying asexuals, such as asexual visitors to AVEN, Graham and Prause conducted two studies.
In the first study, they interviewed four self-identifying asexuals from the Midwestern United States who were compensated $20 for serving as research participants. The participants, three women and one man, filled out a survey and were interviewed.
According to Graham and Prause's study, the researchers discovered four themes from their interviews.
The first was that the asexuals they interviewed seemed to label fewer activities "sexual" in comparison with sexuals. For example, two of the female participants who had engaged in masturbation said they did not necessarily view the act as sexual.
"Specifically," the study says, "one of the two participants said, 'I would say masturbation doesn't necessarily make you sexual,' while the other struggled to clarify her perspective, saying, 'I can't explain it, it doesn't seem sexual.'"
The interviews also revealed that the asexuals interviewed viewed lack of sexual interest rather than lack of sexual experience as the defining feature of asexuality.
Additionally, the participants said, overall, that if they were to engage in sexual activity, it would likely be due to curiosity or the expectations of a partner.
"I suppose if I ever got married to someone, I would sort of feel like, I want to sort of learn how to 'do' sex because it may be beneficial for this person with me," one of the female participants said in the report.
Lastly, the four interviewees voiced their concerns about asexuality.
"All but one had questioned why they were asexual and had worried about whether they were 'normal,'" the report says.
Specifically, one participant worried that she was not like everybody else.
"I feel that I should be normal," she said, "not that I do have a clear idea of what is normal."
The second study Graham and Prause conducted was based off of hypotheses suggested by the results of the first study.
One of these hypotheses was that "individuals who identify as asexual have a specific lack of sexual desire, although they may not necessarily lack sexual motivation"
The researchers gathered participants for this second study though undergraduate psychology courses at large universities and online through advertisements at AVEN and kinseyinstitute.org. From this, the researchers obtained 1,146 useable responses.
One of the report's findings is that an equal number of men and women appear to be asexual. The report does say, however, that asexuals were more likely to have completed college and to be single and that asexuals were significantly older than non-asexuals who replied to the survey.
According to the study, "Asexuals reported being no more worried about their level of sexual desire … than non-asexuals."
Asexuals and sexuals also differed significantly in what they perceived as the advantages and disadvantages of asexuality.
In the report, asexuals cite the benefits of asexuality more often than sexuals, particularly the benefits of "lower health risks" and "benefits of free time."
In regard to drawbacks, asexuals were more likely to cite "needing to find out what problem was causing the asexuality," as opposed to sexuals, who generally cited "missing the positive aspects of sex."
One significant result of the study by Graham and Prause is that it challenges previous findings in a study of asexuality by A. F. Bogaert in 2004. Particularly, Bogaert found a high percentage of asexuals to be female.
"We did not find a gender or relationship status difference between sexuals and asexuals," Graham and Prause say in their study.
Also, where Bogaert found that a lower percentage of asexuals had completed college, Graham and Prause found that a higher percentage had actually completed college as compared to non-asexuals.
Third, Bogaert found that non-asexuals had had more sexual partners over their lifetimes, but Graham and Prause found no significant difference in the lifetime number of sexual partners reported by asexuals and non-asexuals.
"These data suggest that the item used in the Bogaert (2004) study to identify asexuals likely failed to identify many individuals who would have chosen to self-identify as asexual given the opportunity," Graham and Prause's report says. "Whatever the explanation for the divergent findings, it is clear that further research is needed on the correlates of asexuality."
Graham said that she and Prause do hope to do more research in the future on asexuality, as their study left them with many unanswered questions. However, she said that she and Prause are not likely to conduct a new study in the next year.
"I think that there are many questions that future studies will address, including further exploration of exactly what people mean when they use the term 'asexual,'" Graham said.
In the study, Graham and Prause say one promising direction for future studies on asexuality is "kindling," or whether or not asexuals can become sensitized to a previously uninteresting stimulus – sex.
Graham did say that there is another researcher who recently conducted an in-depth study of asexuality. However, the study is not yet published so Graham could not comment on it.
"To our knowledge, this was the first study to investigate the defining features of individuals who self-identify as asexual," Graham and Prause say in their study. "Future research should continue to explore this population."
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The Firm
by DESIDERIO VALACCO
This is the firm that produces
photocopies
of the best days of our
lives
for instance: you can see identical
women
with whom you've ever or never been in love
before
if you drive your car to absent
places
just take a cassette off of your
cassette player
and you'll hear the sound of everything good
that
didn't
happen.
--
Here's the deal:
AVENues is not written by high-faluting AVEN officials in a secret office somewhere.
AVENues is written by you – by real live asexuals, demi-sexuals, not-sure-yet-sexuals, and their allies. That means that keeping things moving in here is up to you.
In every issue, we're going to need a ton of writing, and we're making it easy now by giving you a list of exactly what we want. Here is a list of what AVENues is made of:
News: If you were at (or know of) an event that had something to do with asexuality, we'd like to hear about it!
Opinion and theory: about asexuality. 300-1500 words is the best length.
Media: Have you spotted something asexual in a movie, book, song, or TV show? How are we being represented?
Poems and short stories with asexual themes.
The best of the AVEN forums: If you're hanging out online and see a post that deserves publishing or a hardworking asexy warrior who deserves recognition, tell us about it!
Reader responses: It only takes a few seconds to send us your take on the latest Food For Thought question, and if you have anything else to say to us, we love getting letters!
Art and photography: We normally use photos from AVEN meetups, but anything visual with an asexual or AVEN theme is well worth including.
Fun: Comics, puzzles, recipes – give AVENues' inner child something to do!
Send it all to newsl...@asexuality.org, and remember, we'll write back to you within three business days.
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