Breaking Dawn Ebook
Miriam
The man was but reflecting, without knowing it, what the soutar hadbeen saying the last time they encountered; neither did he think, at themoment, that the Lord himself had said something like it first.
It is folly to suppose that such as follow most the fashions of thisworld are more enslaved by them than multitudes who follow them onlyafar off. These reverence the judgments of society in things of fargreater importance than the colour or cut of a gown; often withoutknowing it, they judge life, and truth itself, by the falsest of allmeasures, namely, the judgment of others falser than themselves; they donot ask what is true or right, but what folk think and say about thisor that. James, for instance, altogether missed being a gentleman by hishabit of asking himself how, in such or such circumstances, a gentlemanwould behave. As the man of honour he would fain know himself, he wouldnever tell a lie or break a promise; but he had not come to perceivethat there are other things as binding as the promise which alonehe regarded as obligatory. He did not, for instance, mind raisingexpectations which he had not the least intention of fulfilling.
As yet, then, James was reading Scotch metaphysics, and reconcilinghimself to the concealment of his freer opinions, upon which concealmentdepended the success of his probation, and his license. But the close ofhis studies in divinity was now near at hand.
The next day Isy went about her work as usual, but never once looked up.James imagined reproach in her silence, and did not venture to addressher, having, indeed, no wish to speak to her, for what was there to besaid? A cloud was between them; a great gulf seemed to divide them! Hewondered at himself, no longer conscious of her attraction, or of hisformer delight in her proximity. His resolve to marry her was not yetwavering; he fully intended to keep his promise; but he must wait theproper time, the right opportunity for revealing to his parents the factof his engagement! After a few days, however, during which there hadbeen no return to their former familiarity, it was with a fearful kindof relief that he learned she was gone to pay a visit to a relation inthe country. He did not care that she had gone without taking leave ofhim, only wondered if she could have said anything to incriminate him.
His father at once felt a wider division between them than before, andhis mother was now compelled, much against her will, to acknowledge toherself its existence. At the same time he carried himself with lessarrogance, and seemed humbled rather than uplifted by his success.
It is hardly necessary to say that he had made no attempt to establishany correspondence with the poor girl. Indeed by this time he foundhimself not unwilling to forget her, and cherished a hope that she had,if not forgotten, at least dismissed from her mind all that had takenplace between them. Now and then in the night he would wake to a fewtender thoughts of her, but before the morning they would vanish,and during the day he would drown any chance reminiscence of her in acareful polishing and repolishing of his sentences, aping the styleof Chalmers or of Robert Hall, and occasionally inserting somefine-sounding quotation; for apparent richness of composition was hisprincipal aim, not truth of meaning, or lucidity of utterance.
I can hardly be presumptuous in adding that, although growing in acertain popularity with men, he was not thus growing in favour withGod. And as he continued to hear nothing about Isy, the hope at length,bringing with it a keen shoot of pleasure, awoke in him that he wasnever to hear of her more. For the praise of men, and the love of thatpraise, having now restored him to his own good graces, he regardedhimself with more interest and approbation than ever; and his continuedomission of inquiry after Isy, heedless of the predicament in whichhe might have placed her, was a far worse sin against her, becausedeliberate, than his primary wrong to her, and it now recoiled upon himin increased hardness of heart and self-satisfaction.
Thus in love with himself, and thereby shut out from the salvation oflove to another, he was specially in danger of falling in love with theadmiration of any woman; and thence now occurred a little episode in hishistory not insignificant in its results.
The soutar was still meditating on things spiritual, still reading thegospel of St. John, still making and mending shoes, and still watchingthe development of his daughter, who had begun to unfold what not a fewof the neighbours, with most of whom she was in favour, counted beauty.The farm labourers in the vicinity were nearly all more or less heradmirers, and many a pair of shoes was carried to her father for thesake of a possible smile from Maggie; but because of a certain awe thatseemed to pervade her presence, no one had as yet dared a word to herbeyond that of greeting or farewell: each that looked upon her became atonce aware of a certain inferiority. Her beauty seemed to suggest behindit a beauty it was unable to reveal.
She was rather short in stature, but altogether well proportioned, witha face wonderfully calm and clear, and quiet but keen dark eyes. Hercomplexion owed its white-rose tinge to a strong, gentle life, and itsfew freckles to the pale sun of Scotland, for she courted every breezebonnetless on the hills, when she accompanied her father in his walks,or carried home the work he had finished. He rejoiced especially thatshe should delight in feeling the wind about her, for he held it toindicate sympathy with that spirit whose symbol it was, and which heloved to think of as folding her about, closer and more lovingly thanhis own cherishing soul.
Suddenly the little horse stood still. Andrew, waking up from a snooze,jumped to the ground, and began, still half asleep, to search into thecause of the arrest; for Jess, although she could not make haste, neverof her own accord stood still while able to keep on walking. Maggie,on her part, had for some time noted that they were making very slowprogress.
They were at the moment climbing a dreary, desolate ridge, where theroad was a mere stony hollow, in winter a path for the rain ratherthan the feet of men. On each side of it lay a wild moor, coveredwith heather and low berry-bearing shrubs. Under a big bush Maggie sawsomething glimmer, and, flying to it, found a child. It might be a yearold, but was so small and poorly nourished that its age was hard toguess. With the instinct of a mother, she caught it up, and clasping itclose to her panting bosom, was delighted to find it cease wailing themoment it felt her arm. Andrew, who had dropped the things he carried,and started at once after her, met her half-way, so absorbed in hertreasure trove, and so blind to aught else, that he had to catch themboth in his arms to break the imminent shock; but she slipped from them,and, to his amazement, went on down the hill, back the way they hadcome: clearly she thought of nothing but carrying the infant home to herfather; and here even the slow perception of her companion understoodher.
All the next day Maggie was ill at ease, in much dread of the appearanceof a mother. The baby seemed nothing the worse for his exposure, andalthough thin and pale, appeared a healthy child, taking heartily thefood offered him. He was decently though poorly clad, and very clean.The Cormacks making inquiry at every farmhouse and cottage within rangeof the moor, the tale of his finding was speedily known throughout theneighbourhood; but to the satisfaction of Maggie at least, who frettedto carry home her treasure, without any result; so that by the time theperiod of her visit arrived, she was feeling tolerably secure in herpossession, and returned with it in triumph to her father.
The outraged father stood towering, whom all the town knew for a man ofgentlest temper and great courtesy. The woman stood one moment dazed anduncertain, then turned and fled. Maggie retired with Mistress Cormack;and when the soutar joined them, he said never a word about thediscomfited gossip. Eppie having taken her tea, rose and bade themgood-night, nor crossed another threshold in the village.
All this time, through his own cowardly indifference, the would-be-grandpreacher, James Blatherwick, knew nothing of the fact that, somewhere inthe world, without father or mother, lived a silent witness against him.
By and by she grew able to reflect that to remain where she was would bethe ruin of her aunt; for who would lodge in the same house with her?She must go at once! and her longing to go, with the impossibilityof even thinking where she could go, brought her to the very verge ofdespair, and it was only the thought of her child that still gave herstrength enough to live on. And to add immeasurably to her misery, shewas now suddenly possessed by the idea, which for a long time remainedimmovably fixed, that, agonizing as had been her effort after silence,she had failed in her resolve, and broken the promise she imaginedshe had given to James; that she had been false to him, brought him toshame, and for ever ruined his prospects; that she had betrayed him intothe power of her aunt, and through her to the authorities of the church!That was why she had never heard a word from him, she thought, and shewas never to see him any more! The conviction, the seeming consciousnessof all this, so grew upon her that, one morning, when her infant wasnot yet a month old, she crept from the house, and wandered out into theworld, with just one shilling in a purse forgotten in the pocket ofher dress. After that, for a time, her memory lost hold of herconsciousness, and what befel her remained a blank, refusing to berecalled.
When she began to come to herself she had no knowledge of where she hadbeen, or for how long her mind had been astray; all was irretrievableconfusion, crossed with cloud-like trails of blotted dreams, and vaguesurvivals of gratitude for bread and pieces of money. Everything shebecame aware of surprised her, except the child in her arms. Her storyhad been plain to every one she met, and she had received thousands ofkindnesses which her memory could not hold. At length, intentionally ornot, she found herself in a neighbourhood to which she had heard JamesBlatherwick refer.
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