Motor Mechanics' Lament
Martin Taylor
Any of you who have ever worked on motorbikes or cars will no doubt be
able to relate to this. I certainly did.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race
out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG LENGTH OF 4x2: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of earth straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Black and Decker Pneumatic
impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by
someone at AJS, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
.. An elephant never forgets. After all, what does it have to remember?
MJT
---------------
Change "A3" to "a1" for an email reply
Gippsland, Victoria, Australia
Jeffles
<mta...@A3.com.au> writes
>Someone sent me this.
>
*snip*
Oh Martin, bloody bloody funny - if only it wasn't all so true!!!
Regards,
--
Jeffles PP#999 SMARTARSE
Mark Gardner
Mark.
(No Good gotta get the scotch out, Kill or Cure)
Jeffles <je...@jeffles.demon.co.uk> wrote in message
news:$VUQ7DAR...@jeffles.demon.co.uk...
John Lamp
>
> How do I get a look then ?
http://lamp.infosys.deakin.edu.au/jokes99/msg00074.html
Cheers
John
--
_--_|\ John Lamp MACS, School of Management Information Systems
/ \ Deakin University, Waurn Ponds, Geelong Victoria 3217
\_.--._/ Room: GD21-1 Phone:03 5227 2110 mailto:John...@deakin.edu.au
v Fax: 03 5227 2151 http://mis.deakin.edu.au/pages/staff/jlamp.htm
Jeffles
m...@deakin.edu.au> writes
>Mark Gardner wrote:
>>
>> How do I get a look then ?
>
>http://lamp.infosys.deakin.edu.au/jokes99/msg00074.html
>
>Cheers
>John
Cheers,
--
Jeffles PP#999 SMARTARSE
Martin Taylor
MG> How do I get a look then ?
If you're looking for the "mechanics' lament" that I posted, check
DejaNews for it. If it's not been posted there or archived, let me know
and I'll email you a copy. It's not big, a couple of kb.
.. 5 out of 3 people have problems with fractions
Mark Gardner
This is exactly how it was, is, and forever will be done.
Now dip your finger in the used sump oil, make the sign of the
crossed thread on your forehead, then repeat after me.
I (your name) do solemnly swear to use the most inappropriate tool for
the tasks that I undertake upon my m/cycle
For mine is the snap-on,proto,stanley and to use & abuse at my will
Until all fasteners are butchered beyond recognition
FACOM.
Cheers
Mark.
Jeffles <je...@jeffles.demon.co.uk> wrote in message
news:rbCssCAP...@jeffles.demon.co.uk...
> In article <3741EB...@deakin.edu.au>, John Lamp <John.La
> m...@deakin.edu.au> writes
> >Mark Gardner wrote:
> >>
> >> How do I get a look then ?
> >