Csanonical Tom Swifties pt 2
Claudia Heyman
"The escaped prisoner is camping out in the woods", said Tom
contentedly.
"I favor self-restraint everywhere in North America", said Tom
continently.
"All I ever do is milk this damn cow", Tom uttered continuously.
"I have writer's block", said Tom contritely.
"I'm writing a poem about the rebels in Nicaragua", said Tom
controversially.
"I find you guilty!" said the judge with conviction.
"We've taken over the government", the general cooed.
"I feel like a Chinese laborer", said Tom coolly.
"I deal with things by abstaining", said Tom copacetically.
"The size of those cobs is a-maize-ing!" was Tom's corny joke.
"It's better to steal things together", Tom corroborated.
"We could use the Geiger-Muller method to check for radiation
leaks", Tom countered.
"I manufacture those tabletops that separate store clerks from their
customers", said Tom counterproductively.
"I hate climbing this winding staircase", said Tom coyly.
"I hate shellfish", said Tom crabbedly.
"Have some cheese", said Tom craftily.
"How do you start a model-T Ford without a battery?" asked Tom
crankily.
"I have a theory about how certain North American Indians maintained
their energy levels through the winter", said Tom creatively.
"I dropped the toothpaste", said Tom, crestfallen.
"Please, Christopher", said Tom crisply.
"I'm dying", Tom croaked.
"Argh! Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!" said
Jesus crossly.
"I've spotted more blackbirds than you have", Tom crowed.
"@#$%*! I've struck oil", said Tom crudely.
"Now THAT's sloppy embroidery", Tom needled cruelly.
"I hate pies with crumb bases", said Tom crustily.
"Destroy this Temple and within three days I will raise it up", said
Jesus cryptically.
"I wonder why uranium is fluorescent", said Mary curiously.
"So THAT's where the next character is going to appear", said Tom
after a cursory glance.
"This is as vile as the Threepenny Opera", said Tom curtly.
"I'm the butcher's helper", said Tom cuttingly.
"If the name 'St. Nicholas' for Santa Claus, and the name 'Old Nick'
for the Devil, both derive from the Teutonic sea god Hold Nickar,
what does that tell us about Santa Claus?" asked Tom cynically.
"I'm too smart to believe in Jesus Christ", said Tom with damnable
cleverness.
"That hydroelectric facility is so beautiful I think I'll pass out!"
said Tom, fainting with dam praise.
"The eclipse is starting", said Tom darkly.
"I killed the Greek piper god", Tom deadpanned.
"I wonder if I'd have better luck if I fished with a net", Tom
debated.
"How many dings you got in your door, there, Tom?" "Ten", Tom
replied decadently.
"Let's play musical chairs", said Tom deceitfully.
"What's wrong with a few tea leaves?" asked Tom deceivingly.
"Let me clean out this poison tank", said Tom deceptively.
"Well, that tree definitely isn't a conifer", Tom decided.
"X is an integer", Tom declared.
"I'm not going to eat any more of those pastries", Tom de-eclaired.
"I've already given you the nominative, vocative, accusative,
genitive, dative, and ablative, so I will say no more", Tom
declined.
"I don't want a bottle that can exist only in hyperspace", Tom
declined.
"Adherents of my religion don't all have to believe the same
thing", Tom decreed.
"It's time to play my wild card", Tom deduced.
"Now I'll NEVER dance", said Tom defeatedly.
"I have to attend my PhD oral examination", said Tom defensively.
"Sure, I'll get rid of those jewels for you", said Tom defensively.
"I refuse to obey that French 'No Smoking' sign", fumed Tom
defensively.
"Okay, you can have the gloves without lining", Tom deferred.
"I still think we should differentiate the magnetic flux", said Tom
defiantly.
"I won't listen to you, Leonard!" said Tom def-t-Lee.
"You are going to fail my class", said the teacher degradingly.
"I have a B.A. in social work", said Tom with a degree of concern.
"I think all those feminists should be forced to work as
housewives", said Tom deliberately.
"People who sell fancy foods should be careful with knives", said
Tom delicately.
"Oh, goody! Another blackout!" said Tom delightedly.
"Welcome to the Annual Meatcutter's Convention!" delivered Tom.
"The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show", said Tom
deludedly.
"This is how to put an imp in a restraining jacket", Tom
demonstrated.
"This, that, these, those, and such", said Tom demonstratively.
"Wouldn't just gold and frankincense do?" the Magi demurred.
"I CAN'T be drowning in African waters!" pleaded Tom, deep in
denial.
"I have to insert this wooden spatula in your mouth", said Tom
depressingly.
"Get off the horse", Tom derided Mary.
"No pilaf for me, please", said Tom derisively. (Or: "Get off
my lap", said Gary Hart derisively.)
"This is how he murdered the mystery writer", Tom described.
"Let me improvise this part", said Tom descriptively.
"I haven't put air in my fifth tire", said Tom despairingly.
"It's best to find a new word for this", Tom determined.
"I saw that man remove my ballot from the box", said Tom devotedly.
"My word is final!" Tom dictated to his secretary.
"Of course you graduated", said Tom diplomatically.
"I was removed from office", said Tom disappointedly.
"All I want is 20,000 machine guns", said the dictator disarmingly.
"There are no more I/O operations to do today", Tom disclosed. (Or:
"This slipped object is hard to find", the surgeon disclosed.)
"I'll not have you punk rockers making music in MY auditorium", said
Tom disconcertingly.
"Let me out of this embassy", said Tom disconsolately.
"Someone stole my computer terminal", said Tom disconsolately.
"I'm a frayed knot", said Tom discordantly.
"And dat bay is not green", Tom discovered.
"Dat is not duh @#$%*! way to do it", Tom discussed.
"Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom
disgustedly.
"I have to wear this cast for another six weeks", said Tom
disjointedly.
"I just got a sex change", said Tom, feeling rather disorganized.
"I just got kicked out of China!" said Tom, rather disoriented.
"Turn the record player down", said Tom disquietingly.
"Out, out, damned spot!" said Lady Macbeth distainfully. "Look what
you did to the rug, you naughty dog!"
"Quick! Hide all the religious pamphlets!" said Tom distractingly.
"I'm tearing my hair out over this problem", said Tom distressingly.
"I need a Latin Bible suitable for reading under water", Tom
divulged.
"I've got to reach Kenilworth tonight", said Tom, trotting doggedly
onward.
"Female canines often scratch the parasites on the coats of their
young", said Tom dogmatically.
"I'm on welfare", said Tom dolefully.
"I won't believe that you're the resurrected Jesus until I've felt
the nail-holes in your wrists", said Tom doubtingly.
"I dropped my brace over the balcony", said Tom downcastly.
"I'm pretty good at basketball", said Tom, dribbling.
"I never go into saloons", said Tom drily. "I've seen too many of
my friends enter them optimistically and leave them mistyoptically."
"Barman, three German beers", said Hans drily.
"All I ever do is work", Tom droned.
"I wonder what syllables I should sing these sixteenth notes to",
said Ward Swingle dubiously.
"Look out for that bird!" cried Tom, ducking.
"Why would anyone want to start an Institute for the Mute?" asked
Tom dumbfoundedly.
"I'll pay off that customs official", said Tom dutifully.
"Why use SI units? The old c.g.s. units are my friends", said Tom
dynamically.
"You've stowed his ashes commendably", was Tom's well-earned
compliment.
"I am NOT a homosexual necrophiliac", said Tom in dead earnest.
"Now I can do some painting", said Tom easily.
"I've declared the variable X so that its value is saved from one
procedure invocation to the next", said Tom ecstatically.
"Edward, you're my best friend in these parts, I gar-ron-tee!"
said Tom ed-u-cajun-ally.
"The enemy has taken stronghold F", said Tom effortlessly.
"Yes, I was in the chicken coop when it exploded", admitted Tom,
with egg on his face.
"I'm coming!" Tom ejaculated.
"British English, of course", Di elected to say.
"This computer display is shocking", said Tom electrically.
"Vote for Reagan", said Tom electronically.
"|\/|", said Tom emphatically.
"Let's get married", said Tom engagingly.
"I got a personal letter from Ann Landers", was Tom's epigraph.
"I just hung my sheets on the clothesline", said Tom erringly.
"I'm going after that red fish", said Tom erringly.
"Eureka!" said Archimedes to the skunk.
"I wouldn't marry you even if you were the only woman on earth!"
said Tom evenly.
"Just what kind of show can this troupe 'The Humpty Dumpties'
put on?" asked Tom exactingly.
"Now we remove the NH2 group", said Tom during the examination.
"I've changed my name to Al", said Hal, exasperated.
"I wrote that window system for MIT", Tom exclaimed.
"!" exclaimed Mark.
"I had to fire my first mate when she got too heavy for the boat",
said Tom excruciatingly.
"Let's kill him", said the executive.
"Here, son, have a free balloon!" said Tom expansively.
"My mother's sister will be here any minute", said Tom expectauntly.
"I used to be a pilot", Tom explained.
"Perhaps he's a former Palestinian commie?" explored Tom.
"But suppose X does exist after all", Tom expostulated.
"You must give me my alimony", expressed Tom's former wife, after
which Tom almost expounded.
"These genes are dominant", said Tom expressively.
"I used to work for Kelly Services", Tom extemporized.
"I used to work for the railway company", said Tom extraneously.
"I used to command a battalion of German ants", said Tom
exuberantly.
"I failed my electrocardiogram", said Tom faint-heartedly.
"That's a lie!" said Tom in falsetto.
"I am NOT on drugs!" said Tom in high falsetto.
"Please keep Ian on salary even if he does no work; banish not
sweet Ian, kind Ian, true Ian, valiant Ian from thy company",
was Tom's Falstaffian plea.
"I'm trying to get some air circulating up here just beneath the
roof", said Tom fanatically.
"The transit system could reduce its deficit by steeply charging
those passengers on their way to rock concerts and sports events",
said Tom with considerable fanfare.
"The Soviet press is useful on hot days", said Tom fantastically.
"I'm 'drawing' the butter", Tom clarified fatuously.
"I don't want my cow to be artificially inseminated", was Tom's
favourable response.
"Forward march! Eins, zwei, drei, funf, eins, zwei, drei, funf!"
said the German commander fearlessly.
"You can use my stud for 100 dollars", was Tom's feeble offer.
"I'll go get the stick", said Tom fetchingly.
"I could always draw it on paper", Tom figured.
"I think I'll put new stuffing in that old settee", said Tom
fill-a-sofa-cally.
"Albert, that illegal left turn is going to cost you twenty bucks",
said the policeman finally.
"I plan to work for Digital", said Tom, giving me the finger.
"My spinal cord has been given notice", Tom fired back.
"I'm just not attracted to you", said Tom flaccidly.
"You should *never* burn the Stars and Stripes!" cried Tom
flagrantly.
"This must be Nebraska", Tom stated flatly.
"Here's an epenthetic stamp", said Tom f'lat'ly.
"Ships ahoy!" said Tom fleetingly.
"I love trying to make insects fly", said Tom flippantly.
"You're losing your grippe!" said Tom fluently.
"I wouldn't mind running my fingers over THOSE!" said Tom fondly.
"I don't know how much longer I'll need only three of my houses",
said Tom forebodingly.
"I'm no good at golf. I know I'm going to hit another bad shot",
Tom forewarned.
"Now all I have to do for this banknote is engrave the portrait",
Tom forged ahead.
"I will NOT finish in fifth place", Tom held forth.
"I got the first three wrong", said Tom forthrightly.
"I do NOT have a multiple personality disorder", said Tom, trying
to be frank.
"I can't play the guitar because my fingers are too big", said Tom
fretfully.
"Dance in lane", said the sign frugally.
"Please pass me the oranges", was Tom's fruitless request.
"I don't believe in mixed marriages", said Tom gaily.
"Je suis francais", Tom had the gall to claim.
"That young insect is female", said Tom gallantly.
"I won't be on time for the Christmas party because some joker put
glue on the bottoms of my shoes", Tom gesticulated.
"Oh, this house tastes good!" said Hansel and Gretel, gingerly.
"Someone bumped into me while I was brushing my teeth", said Tom
with a gleam in his eye.
"Help, I'm drowning!" was Tom's glib, glib, glib chortle.
"PLEASE don't let me fall apart", pleaded Tom gloomily.
"Eating uranium makes me feel funny", said Tom glowingly.
"For the meal we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly
thankful", said Tom gracefully.
"Oh my goodness!" said Tom graciously.
"I don't have to stand upright", said Tom grandly.
"My dime rolled into the sewer", cried Tom gratefully.
"Where's the cheese?" asked Tom gratingly.
"I'll try to dig up a couple of friends", said Tom gravely.
"Let's invite Greg and Gary", said Tom gregariously.
"I collect fairy tales", said Tom grimly.
"I've got sand in my food", said Tom grittily.
"I can eat one hundred and forty-four", Tom boasted grossly.
"Bad marksmanship", the hunter groused.
--
"Fate often puts all the material of happiness into a man's hands just to
see how miserable he can make himself with them."
- Don Marquis
cla...@sidj.tiac.net
Claud...@aol.com