Judas Asparagus
PaulR
If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we
are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,
but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven
from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though,
because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except forMethuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for
some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These
plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them
His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance,
or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on
the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these
was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the
shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to
worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been
born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the
door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius
the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands
instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went
up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.
-------You must share this delightful story! --------
**Rowland Croucher**
> Judas Asparagus
<>
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions
about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the
Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or
corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.) Enjoy.
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
More... http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/6521.htm
--
Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher
Justice for Dawn Rowan - http://dawnrowansaga.blogspot.com/
Neil Gerace
homeless and dirty ) knocks on a lonely door. He hears footsteps approaching and the door opens, revealing a man with
his collar back to front. The swaggie says: 'Oh, I'm terribly osrry to disturb you, Father.'
'I'm not a Father,' says the bloke, 'I'm a Church of England clergyman.'
'Whatever, I'll be on my way.'
'No, no. Come in, and tell me what I can do for you.'
Unused to religion, the swaggie's a bit chy. 'I don't want to come in. I'm going around seein' if I can get a meal in
return for an odd job or two. I cut wood and stuff like that.'
The clergyman says: 'You are more than welcome. Sadly, I've just finished cutting our wood. Howver, if you'd care to
stack it at hte back of the house I'd be most pleased. And, of course, I'd give you a meal in exchange.'
So the swaggie stacks the wood, washes his hands and stands onthe verandah at the back of the house. The clergyman
insists that he enters, sitting him down at the kitchen table.
There's not much converstaion during the meal. at the end of dinner, the swaggie says: 'Thanks Father, I'll be on my way.'
'No, no realx. BE comfortable. You can sleep out on the verandah tonight if you like.'
'Thanks very much, but I've got to be getting along.'
'Well then, before you go, let me pour you a cup of tea.'
The swaggie pours some into this saucer, blows ont he surface and drinks it down Meanwhile the clergyman has opened his
Bible and is having a good read. The swaggie lookos at him curiously and says: 'Musy be a good book.'
The clergyman lifts his eyes an says: 'As a matter of fact, it's the good book.'
'Oh, yes. What's it about?'
'Surely you know what the Bible is about?'
'Well, I've heard of the Bible.'
'You've never read it?'
The swaggies's a bit embarrassed. 'Well, you see, I can't read.'
'That's nothing to be ashamed of, my man. That's why there are poeple like me involved in the church. We're able to read
the word of God and pass it on to our less fortunate brethren.'
'Yeah, well, what's it about?'
'Well, it's about quite a number of things. All sorts of stories. Stories of the flood, of our Saviour. This particular
part that I'm reading now is about an extremely powerful man of God. A man called Samson who came from a little town
calle Jerusalem. And he had a woman called Delilah. And these particular verses describe him joining Delilah in the
fields whilst she was grinding the corn. Suddenly they were descended upon by 5000 Philisines. Samson called on God,
picked up the jaw bone of an ass, slew 3000 of them and compeltely routed the rest.'
The swaggie looks at the minishter in astonishment.
'And would this be a true story?'
'Of course it's true. IT's the word of God.'
'He must have been a pretty strong sort of bloke.'
'Oh, an extremely powerful man. As a matter of fact, he was capable of tearing down temples with his bare hands. Simply
by pushing over the pillars.'
'Fair dinkum?'
'How could it be anything else? IT is, as I've emphasised, the word of God.'
'Yeah, I see.'
The following evening, late, the swaggie's looking for somewhere to camp and sees, in the middle distance, the glow of a
campfire. He wansders up. Tentatively, observing the portocol of the bush, trying not to come too close.
Beside the ccmapfire is an old rabbiter, brewing up a bunny stew in his four-gallon kero tin. He sees the swaggie in the
shadows and says: 'G'day. Come and get warm and help yourself to the stew.'
The swaggie hops into the bunny stew very appreciatively and the rabbiter says: 'What do you know?'
'Oh, nothing much. Oh yeah, I did hear soemthing. Terrible story. About this bloke called Simpson. Simpson from
Jerilderie. A real bastard. He's going around rippping up the telephone poles. It turns out the was out int he paddock
oned day giving his girlfriend Delicious a grind in the corn when, all of a sudden, 5000 Filipino bastards appeared. So
he picks up the arse-bone of a Jew, slays 3000 and completely roots the rest. Turned out to be a bit of a poofter.'
Don H
news:499cc8a8$0$646$5a62...@per-qv1-newsreader-01.iinet.net.au...
# According to the Lord's Prayer, God's name is Wishart.
David
typed furiously:
No! It's Harold be thy name.
--
Regards
David
fundamentalism (n.): fund = give cash to; amentalism = brainlessness
moghouse
> On Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:39:07 GMT, "Don H" <donlhumphr...@bigpond.com>
> typed furiously:
>
>
>
>
>
> >"PaulR" <dweeb...@NOSPAM.yahoo.com> wrote in message
No its both, depending where he is:
Our father Wishart, in heaven, Harold be thy name!
Don H
news:vXCol.22998$cu.1...@news-server.bigpond.net.au...
they'd sung a song about a cross-eyed bear called Gladly.