F**K Clempson. The definitive list of Clemson jokes
m...@homeboy.net
CLEMSON UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL
Unofficial Schedule for 2001
Sept. 11 ----------- Little Sisters of the Poor
Sept. 18 ----------- Cub Scouts Pack # 122
Sept. 25 ----------- Kenner Home for the Blind
Oct. 2 ----------- Spanish American War Veterans
Oct. 9 ----------- Pueblo Home for Crippled Children
Oct. 16 ----------- Buck's County Home for Unwed Mothers
Oct. 23 ----------- Girl Scout Troop # 342
Oct. 30 ----------- Colorado Springs VD Clinic
Nov. 6 ----------- Korean War Amputees
Nov. 13 ----------- VA Hospital Polio Victims
Nov. 21 (Mon.)----- New Orleans Home for Retired Gays
- Rule Changed for 2001
_____________________
When playing the Polio patients, Tigers must Not disconnect
leg braces.
When playing the Girl Scouts, Tigers must keep their hands
off the cookies.
When playing the Home of the Blind, Tigers can Not hide
the ball.
When playing the Gays, the Tigers must protect their asses
at all times
***Clemson name change: The Tigers will hereafter be
called the Tampons, Since they are only good for one period, and
they have no second string.
*** Coaching change: Tommy West will be replaced by Linda
Lovelace. She will, undoubtedly, blow a few but she won't choke
on the big one.
Clemson TV Station WMOO Announces Fall Schedule
Monday - Friday:
4:00 Okra Winfrey
5:00 Dear John Deere
6:00 Market Report News
7:00 Wheel of Fertilizer
7:30 B.M. Magazine
Primetime Sunday:
7:00 63 Minutes - An HOUR-long news magazine
8:00 Sow Quest P.U.E.*
9:00 Twin Geeks
10:00 MOOnlighting
Monday:
8:00 In Living Collards
8:30 Dork*
9:00 Mudwrestling, She Wrote
10:00 CUPD Moo*
Tuesday:
8:00 Gomer's Pile
8:30 Married with Chickens
9:00 Seneca Hills 90210*
10:00 Smellgross Place
Wednesday:
8:00 Barn Improvement
8:30 Rural Route 66*
9:00 The Clempsons
10:00 Lifestyles of the Redneck & Farmers
Thursday:
8:00 Chicken Wings
8:30 Mad About Moo
9:00 Chores -- Where Everybody Knows Your Mane
9:30 Sign Field
10:00 L.A.'s Lawn*
Friday:
8:00 Quantum Shepp*
9:00 The Friday Night MOO-vie
Saturday:
8:00 Cafe Pelzer*
8:30 The Seneca Hillbillies
9:00 The Golden Sows
9:30 Declining Women
10:00 Slime Time Live
Did you hear about the Clemson graduate with two red ears who
went to the doctors office? The doctor asked him what had
happened to his ears.
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the
Farmer. "But instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."
"Damn," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But then, what
happened to your other ear?"
The Clemson fellow replied, "Whoever it was called back."
There was as couple from Clemson that got marrried,the night of
his honeymoon the groom called his father saying that the
marriage was a mistake and he wanted to get it annulled. The
father asked why and the reply came. "Well when we got up in the
hotel room she told me she was a virgin."
"I understand son,"the father replied,"Wern't good enough for
their family it ain't good enough for ours."
OFFICIAL CLEMSON SEX TEST:
T F
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. ____ ____
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. ____ ____
3. "Spread-Eagle" is an extinct bird. ____ ____
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe ____ ____
heart trouble.
5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. ____ ____
6. A G-string is a part of a violin. ____ ____
7. Semen is another word for sailors. ____ ____
8. Anus is the Latin word for yearly. ____ ____
9. Testicles are found on an octopus. ____ ____
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. ____ ____
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. ____ ____
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. ____ ____
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. ____ ____
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke." ____ ____
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. ____ ____
16. A condom is an apartment complex. ____ ____
17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the
choir. ____ ____
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. ____ ____
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. ____ ____
20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for ____ ____
their new government official. ____ ____
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. ____ ____
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass. ____ ____
23. Pornography is the business of making record
albums. ____ ____
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. ____ ____
25. Douche is the Italian word for twelve. ____ ____
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. ____ ____
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. ____ ____
28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus. ____ ____
CLEMSON COEDS:
Q: Did you hear about the driver who swerved to avoid hitting a
Clemson coed?
A: He ran out of gas.
Q: What's a Clemson coed's favorite exercise?
A: Jogging to the refrigerator.
Q: What did the Clemson coed say when her boyfriend blew in her
ear?
A: Thanks for the refill, honey.
Q: Why did San Francisco get all the lesbians and Farmersville
get all the Clemson coeds?
A: San Francisco had first choice.
S: A Clemson coed bragged, "I can marry anyone I please." "Why
don't you, then," her friend asked. "I don't please anybody,"
she admitted.
Q: What's the difference between a Clemson coed and an elephant?
A: About five pounds.
Q: How do you make up the difference?
A: Force feed the elephant.
Q: How does a Clemson coed spell FARM?
A: E-I-E-I-O.
S: A Clemson coed was walking down University Avenue with a pig
under her arm. She met a girlfriend who asked "Where did you get
the pig?"
And the pig answered, "I won her in a raffle."
Q: Did you hear about the new Clemson coed doll they're selling
in the bookstore?
A: Put a ring on its finger and its hips expand.
Q: What do you give a hungry Clemson coed?
A: Anything she wants.
S: A Clemson coed got embarrassed at a masquerade ball. At
midnight, when the hostess asked all the guests to remove their
masks, the coed cried, "I don't have one on!"
Q: What's the most important thing in a Clemson coed's makeup
kit?
A: A paint roller.
Q: What is the difference between a Clemson coed and a Ferarri?
A: Not everyone has been in a Ferarri.
Q: What's prairie dog?
A: A Clemson coed from Kansas.
S: Clemson coeds are so modest they pull the curtains before
changing their minds.
Q: What's the difference between a Clemson coed and a freezer?
A: About five degrees.
Q: Why is a freezer better?
A: You can defrost it.
S: Never criticize a Clemson coed's figure. She might hold it
against you.
Q: Why did it take the Clemson coed so long to cook the turkey?
A: The recipe said to cook it for 30 minutes per pound and she
weighed 150.
Q: What's the differnce between a Clemson coed and a police car?
A: It takes two police cars to create a roadblock.
S: Some girls are ugly, but Clemson coeds are the exception.
Clemson coeds are exceptionally ugly.
Q: How are Clemson coeds like paint?
A: Get them all stirred up and you can't get them off your
hands.
S: A Clemson coed went to the health center. "I have a cold in
my head," she told the nurse. "Well, that's better than
nothing," the nurse
replied.
Q: Did you hear about the truckload of pigs that got loose on the
Clemson campus?
A: They had to check I.D.s to reload the truck.
Q: What's the difference between a Clemson coed and a
refrigerator?
A: The coed can hold more food.
Q: Why do Clemson coeds like to be alone?
A: Because two's a crowd.
Q: What is the thinnest part of a Clemson coed?
A: The hair on her palms.
S: Did you hear about the carload of Clemson coeds who froze to
death at the drive-in movie? They went to see the movie, "Closed
for winter."
Q: Why did they have to enlarge Clemson's stadium?
A: So more coeds could sit in the stands.
Q: Did you hear about the lucky Clemson coed who had a date every
Friday night last semester?
A: She kept them in her refrigerator so they'd stay fresh all
semester long.
Q: How is a Clemson coed like Ms. Pac-Man?
A: They both eat everything in sight.
Q: Why did Clemson Security raid a candle-passing in the girl's
dorm?
A: They thought they were breaking up a dope ring.
Q: What's a Clemson coed's favorite dress shop?
A: Acme Tent & Awning.
Q: What's the difference between a Clemson coed and a rooster?
A: Roosters say "cockadoodledo" but Clemson coeds say "any
dude'll do."
Q: Why didn't the Clemson coed use her water skis?
A: She couldn't find a lake on a hill.
S: Some Clemson coeds would make great fullbacks. Expecially the
ones with the license plates on their charm bracelets.
S: A Clemson coed asked a store clerk, "Can I put this wallpaper
on myself?" "Yes, but it will look better on the wall," he said.
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of Clemson coeds?
A: The Bay of Pigs.
S: There are two kinds of Clemson coeds--good-looking ones and
sweet spirits.
Q: Did you hear about the Clemson coeds who were stuck on the
escalator at the mall for two hours during a power outage?
Q: What has an I.Q. of 144?
A: Twelve Clemson coeds.
S: A Clemson coed missed this question on her religion test:
"Where was Solomon's temple?" She answered, "On the side of his
head."
S: Someone once asked a Clemson coed, "Are all girls as stupid as
you are?" She answered, "No. Look how many single girls there
are at Clemson."
S: A Clemson guy approached a Clemson coed with this old line,
"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" She replied, "Yes. I
have been somewhere before."
Q: What's the difference between a Clemson coed and a palm tree?
A: A palm tree has dates.
Q: How do you get a Clemson coed to go off her diet?
A: Open a Twinkie within two miles of Farmersville.
- Why do all the faithful lie down in the church in Clemson?
- The preacher has a low voice.
- Why do all people in Clemson wear helmets?
- The rope in the belltower broke and the bellringer throws stones.
- Why did they build a higher belltower in the church in Clemson?
- The rope was too long.
- Why are there four bridges in Clemson?
- They only managed to hit the river on the fourth try.
- Why does the mayor of Clemson plow his field in circles?
- He bought a circus-horse.
- Why do the cows wear helmets on the pastures in Clemson?
- Every day the mayor drives them there on his motorcycle.
- Why do the pigs in Clemson have knots at the ends of their tails?
- So that they cannot squeeze between the fence-boards...
- Why do they tie the pigs together in bunches in Clemson?
- To make sure the hawk won't steal them.
- Why are there no fences in Clemson?
- A psychic told the mayor that he'll die like a dog under a fence.
- Why is it that you can't take the train to Clemson?
- A doctor prescribed iron supplements for the locals and they took
apart the
tracks.
- Why is a bus to Clemson wider than it is long?
- Everyone wants to sit by the driver.
- Why are buildings in Anderson no higher than two stories?
- If they were any higher, you could see Clemson
- Why do people wear white boots in winter in Clemson?
- Not to leave footprints in the snow...
- Why was everyone in Clemson dressed elegantly last time?
- At night there was a storm with lightning, and they thought a
photographer
would come.
- When the mayor of Clemson drives his Ford to Anderson, why does it
take only
one hour there but three back?
- His Ford can only go 15 mph in reverse gear.
- Why are there no street lamps in Clemson?
- The mayor's daughter is learning to drive.
- Why is there a hole in the woods near Clemson, about 4-1/2 feet
deep?
- The mayor's daughter needed a passport photo.
- And why are there 9 more holes like that nearby?
- While she was at it, she thought she would get ten photos.
- Why do the people in Clemson use a whetstone on their TVs?
- To make the picture sharper.
A Clemson Coed was walking beside the road and nobody would stop
for her. She decided she would have better luck if she took her
clothes off.
This turned out to be a bad idea; several minutes later a
motorcycle gang passed on the highway. They dragged her off into
a canyon at the side of the road and gang-dressed her.
Did you hear about the new Clemson coed doll? You put a ring on
her finger and her hips expand.
How do you get a Clemson coed into your room? Grease her hips so
she'll fit through the door and toss a twinkie on the bed.
What do you call a Clemson coed hang-glider festival?
A total eclipse.
CLEMSOM FORMAL ENGLISH DICTIONARY:
AFFFORD:
I wanted to buy a cadillac but had to settle for??
Afford.
ARMADILLO:
To provide weapons to a spanish pickle
BACTERIA:
The back entrance to a cafeteria.
BEWARE:
I asked the man at the unemployment office if this beware I find a
job.
BOYCOTT:
A bed for a young male person
BUCKET:
Alternate nomenclature for female deer
COINCIDE:
What most people do when it rains.
CONCOURSE:
A golf course located in a penetentary
CONCRETE:
To swindle a resident of Crete
CONDOM:
The man I sold my watch to says it is no good, he says I Condom.
COUNTERPART:
subassemblies or pieces of an article of kitchen furniture
DISSAPPOINTMENT:
My parole officer told me that if I miss
disapointment he's going to send me back to the big house.
ENCRYPT:
Where Egyption kings are buried
FEDERATION:
Having given a ration of food to someone
FORECLOSE - If I don't pay my alimony this month, I'll have
more money foreclose.
FOUNDER:
what the police did to a lost female
GRUESOME:
What farmer Brown did to corn last year
HATCHET:
What a hen does to an egg.
HORTICULTURE:
A `lady of the night' en route to an opera
IMPASSABLE:
A wet football.
IMPLEMENTATION:
A sorrowful statement by a very small person
INFORMATION:
How the Blue Angels fly
INSTABLE:
Where horses sleep
MISTER:
My girlfriend was on vacation last week and I really Mister.
MODEM:
What people say when they want a second helping of black-eyed peas.
PARADOX:
A brace of physicians
PENIS:
I saw my parole officer the other day and he handed
me a cup and he said here penis.
PROPAGATE:
To hold open an passage thru a fence, as with a stick.
PURSUANT:
What aunt sue said
REBUTTAL:
The proceedure used to affix new hindquarters
RECTUM:
I had two cadillacs, but my wife rectum.
RESEARCH:
When you look for something twice.
SEMEN:
I never did know my papa, cause my mama semen left and right.
SUBPOENA:
I went to see 2 live crew the other day in concert
but the lines were too long at the johns, subpoena in the sink.
TELEPHONY:
To identify an imposter
TERRACE:
To leave hurridly
TRIPOLI:
I tried to buy my girlfriend some underwear the
other day but couldn't find any, she take size 36 Tripoli.
UNRINAL:
After the police broke down my front door last
night,they said "Darnell, urinal a lot of trouble".
ZEBRA:
An item of ladies underware purchased by Dolly Parton
TRANSLATION DICTIONARY FROM COLLOQUIAL CLEMSONESE TO ENGLISH:
Arnjuice...from the sunshine tree
Authoritis...arthritis
Arsh...People from Arlin
Awl...goes into the crankcase
Aspern..."Take 2 and call me in the morning"
Arn... What you do on an arnin board
Bleef...What you believe in
Bawler...what the plumber calls your furnace
Baffroom...see "rostrum"
Blow...opposite of "above"
Birfday...blow out the candles on this day
Cammer...used for taking photographs
Cole Race Beef...a favorite sandwich
Corm Beef...another favorite sandwich
Calf Lick...Protestant,Jewish,and...
Croddy...Oriental art of self defense
Draff...animal with the longest neck
Druckstewer...drugstore
Dizzy Whirl...Florida tourist attraction
Dest...where you set at to pay bills
Duddney...doesn't he
Drooslem...The Holy Land
Elfin...animal with a trunk
Everythink...everything
Erf...the planet on which we live
Fard...area between eyes and hairline
Farn Gin...used for fighting fars
Farst Fars...Smokey the bear fights them
Flar...something growing in the garden
Ford...opposite of backwards
Fillum...what you put in a camera
Froddy...that God it's Froddy
Gubmint...government
Gubner...governor
Granite...what you don't want to be taken for
Harble...horrible
Harrid...a downtown street
Hustler's...a department store
Har and Far...What the boss does
Hoskull...where you went before cah-widge
Ignert...ignorant
Iggle...our nation symbol
Jeet...Did you eat?...usually answerd by "nojew?"
Larnix...Larynx
Lobble...responsible for...as in "I hold you lobble"
Litlitlee...famous for Italian food
Lozenger...medication for ailing larnix
Merlin...The Free State
Morality...the race for Mayor
Macely...mostly
Meer...what you look at in the morning
Muriel...a large painting on a large wall
Norf Abnew...North Avenue
Napolis...State Capitol of Maryland
Noosepaper...where you read the funnies
Oll(rhymes with "doll")...what you walk down when you get married
Ollin...a piece of land surrounded by water
Oltno...I don't know
Paramour...what you neighbor uses at 8:00 a.m. Sunday morning
Payment...paved surface
Petition...a wall that divides a room
Plooshin...what's killing us
Pockeybook...pocketbook
Praps...perhaps
Proly...probably
Phane...what you answer when it rings
Perfick...without any faults
Po-leese...a single police officer
Pleese...two or more po-leese
Quarr...sings in a church
Roont...ruined
Rostrum...where the ladies go after dinner
Semlem...neighborhood convience store
Starfame...a synthetic packing material
Smour...what's the matter with you?
Sneet..."That't neat!"
Slong..another way to say goodbye
Slop Machine...one-armed bandit
Sarn...siren
Sore...drainage area under streets
Snoo Few?...What's new with you?
Turble...terrible
Tarred...sleepy
Torst...tourist
Tawlit...what you set on in the baffroom
Unnersteaned...understand
Vollince..what we see too much of in the movies
Varse...the doctor says "there's a lot of that going around"
Vyduck...as in Orleans Street Vyduck
Warshinn...our nations capitol
Wayment...wait a minute
Wald...the opposite of tame
Wrench..."rinse" as in "wrench your hands in the zinc"
Wocder...what you
wrench your hands with
Xtry...extra
Yerp...Europe
Zollaphone...xylophone
Zinc...sink
Zarrite?...is that right?
Q: How do you neuter a Clemson hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.
Q: What do you call a student at Clemson with six sheep?
A: A Pimp!!!
Q: How do you know there is a Clemson farmer at a cock-fight?
A: He brings a duck.
Q: How do you know there are two farmers at a cock-fight?
A: Somebody bets on the duck.
Q. How can you tell a furneral at Clemson?
A. The lead tractor has its lights on.
Q. Why does the football stadium at Clemson have natural grass?
A. So the cheerleaders could graze at halftime.
Several months passed an the two farmers ran into each other in
town and one asked the other "Well, how did you fair with those
Clemson hunters, did you loose any livestock?"
The other farmer said "No, all my livestock are just fine, but
they sure shot the heck out of my John Deere tractor."
CLEMSON UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and
social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Yankees
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one
being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Mazy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what
country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do
you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The U.C.B. tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting
21. Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?
22. What color is the old gray mule?
23. Which way is up?
24. Who wrote Richard Nixon's autobiography?
25. Who invented the Edison lightbulb?
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
Sincerely,
DM. Ciesnik
Dean of Jocks
LETTER TO A SON AT CLEMSON:
Dear Son,
I am writing this slow because I know you can't read
very fast. We lived where we did when you left home until
your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen
within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able
to give you the address 'cause the last family that lived
here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't
have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put
four shirts in it, pulled the handle down, and I haven't
seen them since.
It only rained twice this week. Three days the first
time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt Sue said
it would be too heavy to send by mail with all them heavy
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we
don't make the last payment on grandmaw's funeral bill, UP
SHE COMES.
About your sister, She had a baby this morning. I
haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know
if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving , the other two was in the back. The
driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to
safety. The other two drowned. They could not get the
tailgate down.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men
tried to pull him out, but he fought them off, then he
drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days.
About your father, he found a lovely new job. He has
300 people under him. He mows the lawn at the cemetery.
Not much more news this time...nothing much happened.
Write more often.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I was going to send some
money, but the envelope was
already sealed.
This Clemson student walks up to this really pretty girl and asks her
if she'd like
to come back to his dorm room. The girl says "No thanks, I'm a
lesbian."
The guy goes "No kidding! So whaddaya think of the situation in
Beirut?"
There was a Clemson fellow whose girlfriend broke up with him.
She wrote him a John Deere letter.
FARMER BROWN JOKES:
Farmer Brown from Clemson had been screwing around with one of his
pigs for
four years, when he was suddenly hit by pangs of conscience. It
tortured him
so much that he decided to tell the priest about it in confession.
The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well,
tell
me, was the pig a male or a female?"
"A female, of course," said Farmer Brown. "What do you think I
am - some
sort of a queer?"
Farmer Brown buys twelve pigs at an auction, only to discover
that they are all female. He immediately calls Farmer Jones to
ask if he can bring them over to mate with Farmer Jones male
pigs. "Sure," says Farmer Jones.
Farmer Brown gathers his twelve pigs and loads them into the
truck. When they get to the Jones farm, the pigs jump out and
spend the rest of the day mating with the males. Before he
leaves, Farmer Brown says. "By the way, I've never had pigs
before. How will I know if they're pregnant?"
"Well," says Farmer Jones, "look for signs of unusual behavior.
That's usually how you know."
The next morning, Farmer Brown looks out his window and sees
nothing unusual. So he loads the pigs up and brings them to the
Jones farm again.
The following morning, the pigs are still behaving normally, so
once again he takes them to the Jones farm.
The next morning he feels too discouraged to look out the
window. "Honey," he says to his wife, "would you mind telling me
if our pigs are doing anything unusual?"
"Well," she says, "eleven of them are in the back of the truck,
and the twelfth one's honking the horn."
One day Farmer Brown was out in the field when these two city
boys stopped and told him "We saw your Honeysuckle down the road
and wanted to know if we could stop and gather some honey."
Farmer Brown knew you couldn't get honey from honeysuckle, but
he told the guys to go ahead. About an hour later they came
back by with a pail of honey.
A couple of weeks later the same guys stopped the farmer and said
"When we were getting honey, we saw some milkweed. We wanted to
know if we could go and get some milk." Well, the farmer
agreed, and about two hours later, the guys came back by with
two pails of milk.
The next week the two guys stopped the farmer and said "When we
were getting our milk, we saw some pussywillow". The farmer
stopped them and said "Hold it right there, boys, I'm going to
get my hat and I'm going with ya!"
Clemson Professor, "What are you doing"
Wife, " Getting ready for karate lessons."
Clemson, "Why spend my money on that."
Wife, "In case it get dark I will be able to defend myself"
Clemson, "It will never get that dark."
How do Clemson students know if they are going to have a safe
fuck.
They paint red X's on the sheep that kick and bite.
This Clemson student is going skydiving and is a total beginner. On
his first
solo jump he leaps, free falls and when he goes to pull his chute he
totally
freezes and doesn't have any idea how to open the parachute.
He is now plummeting towards the earth at terminal velocity and
totally scared
shitless.
On the way down, he sees this other guy coming up, in the other
direction! As
he passes the guy he screams "Hey, I screwed up and forgot how to pull
my
chute, do you have any idea how to work these things?!?!"
The fellow replies, "I've got no idea, but do you know how to light a
gas
grill?"
This salesman walks into a bar. He has a robot with him. He
approaches the
bartender and says,
SALESMAN: Have I got a deal for you! I have here a device that will
triple your business overnight.
BARTENDER: I don't need any more videogames.
SALESMAN: This is no video game! This robot will increase your
business
by talking to your customers. All you have to to is let him
sit on a barstool and you'll be selling more beer than any
bar in town! It has an IQ of 250 and can talk about anything
to
anyone.
BARTENDER: Well, I know my business could be better, but I just
don't
believe this thing is for real.
SALESMAN: Tell ya what I'm gonna do. You give me $500 and I'll leave
the robot here for a week. If it isn't everything I said it
was and more, I'll give you your money back and be on my
way.
BARTENDER: <Reluctantly> Well, Okay. But you'd better be back in a
week.
SALESMAN: You have my word on it.
So the salesman leaves the robot sitting at the bar. After a while,
a man
comes in and sits at the bar. The robot moves next to him and says,
"What's
your I.Q.?" The man replies "140." So the man and the robot talk
about all
sorts of things like electronics, computers, advanced calculus, and
quantum
mechanics. After two hours, the man leaves.
"Not bad," thinks the bartender. "That guy usually leaves after only
one
beer."
About 15 minutes later, another man comes in and sits by the robot.
"What's
your I.Q.?" asks the robot. "100," replies the man. So the man and
the robot
talk about all sorts of things like sports, politics, and the weather.
The man
and the robot talk for four hours before the man finally leaves. The
bartender
thinks, "Wow! This is great. That guy never stayed for more than 20
minutes
before. I've never sold this much beer!"
After a few minutes a fellow from Clemson comes in and sits at the
bar.
"What's your I.Q.?" says the robot. "60," says the man. There is a
long pause. Finally
the robot says,
"How 'bout them Tigers!"
Lem and Clem stood by a car in which they had locked the key.
"Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it" Lem asked.
"No," answered Clem. "People will think we're trying to break in."
Lem said, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber,
then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"
"No," said Clem. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat
hanger.
"Well," sighed Lem, "we'd better think of something fast. It's
starting to rain and the sun roof is open!"
CLEMP AT A JOB INTERVIEW:
An Clemson graduate went for an interview with one of the major blue
chip
computer companies. When the interview was over the interviewer told
him that all
applicants had to complete a test.
The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines
in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of Clemp.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while Clemp took the pencil and drew
a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the
paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is
not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said Clemp with a broad farmer accent,
"Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to Clemp and asked
him to make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while Clemp scribbled up and
down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not
ninety nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said Clemp, "Dirty tree + dirty tree +
dirty tree make ninety nine."
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the
Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to
Clemp and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time Clemp
suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on
the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper
back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that
is not 100!"
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said Clemp with a much
broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and
turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!"
Two students from Clemson traveled to Anderson with horses!
Nightfall
came so they had to rest! In order to tell the difference between
their
horses, one guy cut his horse's tail off! As they were sleeping, a
joker cut
off the other horse's tail as a prank! The next morning, the two
students
were arguing whose horse was which! After arguing, they just
continued their
journey without knowing whose horse was which! Night came again!
Again, to
tell the difference, one guy cut off his horse's ear! As they slept,
the
trickster came and cut off the other horse's ear! Surely enuff, the
next
morning the two students argued whose horse was which! They went on
their
journey again without knowing whose horse was which! Again, night
came! "
This time," one Clemson fellow said to the other,"You take the black
horse
while I take the white one!"
CLEMSON CHICKEN FARMER:
An Clemson fellow goes into the feed store and tells the owner that he
was starting a chicken farm and needs to buy about 500 baby chicks.
The feed store owner sells the aggie the required number of chicks
and wishes him luck.
Two weeks later the Farmer buys another 500 baby chicks from the feed
store.
Another two weeks goes buy and Clemson returns to the feed store for
yet
another 500 chicks. The feed store owner says "Boy your going to have
one
large chicken farm with 1500 chickens!!"
The Farmer answers,
"Not really, I haven't had much luck. Not sure if I'm burying them
too deep or just too close together."
There is a Clemson student named George, who is, to be expected, not
too
bright. He really wants to graduate, but is just not quite making it.
He
begins to tell people about his problems, and the townspeople get
together and
put pressure on the University to let George graduate.
At the graduation ceremony, the President calls George to the podium,
and
asks people what should be done with him. The audience chants "Give
George
another chance. Give George another chance. Give George another
chance."
The President says "OK George. I am going to ask you a question. If
you
get it right, you can graduate. If not, you have to stay." He asks
the
audience what they think, and again they chant "Give George another
chance.
Give George another chance."
The President turns to George and says "OK, George. What is
2+3?" The audience is quiet as George ponders. After several
minutes, he says, tentatively, "5?" To this the audience replies,
"Give George another chance. Give George another chance."
One day a ventriloquist was working a comedy club in the south,
big Clemson country. He cracked a couple of jokes about how stupid
Tiger fans are and a big man fromt he back of the room stood up and
said:
"I resent those Clemson jokes!"
The beleagured ventriloquist then said, "I'm sorry, I'll stop
telling them."
The Farmer replied,
"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the guy on your
lap!"
A lawyer from USC , a doctor from Duke and an engineer from Clemson
were
scheduled to be beheaded one day. The first to be placed on the
guillotine
was the lawyer. The judge read the charge:
"Due to your negligence and failure to properly defend your client,
the
state put an innocent man to death. Therefore, it is our sentence
that
you shall lose your head. Do you have any last words?"
The lawyer said, "I know to the end that I did my best."
The judge then signalled the executioner who pulled a lever. The
blade
comes whooshing down only to stop 1/4 inch above the lawyer's neck.
The
lawyer called out, "Since the execution failed, and since I cannot
face
double jeopardy, you must set me free".
The judge agreed and set the lawyer free.
Then the doctor was brought up and placed in the machine. The judge
called
out:
"Due to your incompetance as a doctor, several people in this village
have
been given the worng medicine and died. Therefore, it is our
sentence that
you shall lose your head. Do you have any last words?"
The doctor said, "I know to the end that I did my best."
Again the signal and the whoosh and again the blade stops 1/4 inch
above the
doctor's neck, and the doctor is also set free.
Then the engineer from Clemsom is brought up and placed on the block.
The
judge intones:
"Due to your failure to properly design the bridge into town, twelve
people
were killed when it collapsed. Therefore, it is our sentence that
you
shall lose your head, do you have any last words?"
The engineer said, "I know to the end that I did my best. By the
way,
I think I see the problem with the guillotine."
THE TOWN OF CLEMSON IS SO SMALL:
...people read the weekly paper to see if the
editor got the news correct.
...biggest industry is jury duty.
...largest industry is a stocky Avon lady.
...it is only there four days a week.
...it only has one yellow page.
...it couldn't afford a civic club.
...any person could tear the phone book in
half.
...has only one massage parlor--self service.
...it only has one newspaper and people passed
it around.
...there is no hospital, just a first-aid kit.
...the sidewalk is a brick!
...the street light is a candle!
...the fire department is a Great Dane!
...the school only has two grades!
...the "Welcome" & "Come Again" signs were on
the same post!
...they share a horse with Anderson!
(one-horse town)
CLEMSON IS SO DULL:
...the nightlife is over before dark.
...the only excitement is waiting for the
newest
flavor at the ice cream parlor.
...Folks receive mail addressed to their first
name.
The town of Clemson is so small that up at the high school they use
the same
car for teaching Drivers Ed. & Sex Ed.
I went to the library at Clemson and the book was out.
We don`t have a fire engine at Clemson, just a ten speed bike with a
douche
bag on the handle bars.
The big downtown renovation project this summer in Clemson:
They are installing a new screen door at the liquor store.
Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Death Valley? Two poor
Farmers
drowned at a game last year.
Did you hear about the Tiger that drove his pickup into the lake? His
dog
drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.
Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at
Clemson?
It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.
Why don't Farmers eat barbecue beans?
Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.
Why don't Farmers use 911 in an emergency?
Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
How many Farmers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Three, one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
How many Farmers does it take to eat a possum?
Three. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.
An Clemson graduate decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the
feed store
and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with
their heads
sticking up. He waters them, but they die.
He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he
bought
defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with
their
heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die.
He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem.
They
send a letter back asking for a soil sample.
Q. Why does Clemson teach Drivers Ed one semester and Sex Ed the next?
A. It only has one mule.
MEMORANDUM
FROM:
Clemson University
Department of Recruiting
Clemson, South Carolina
TO:
IPTAY
Gentlemen:
Clemson University is pleased to announce the following commitments of
high school football players for the 2000 recruiting season:
Wayfroy P. Jackson: 6'6", 190, Wide Receiver
Hottest prospect from Alabama in the last 10 years. Loves music.
Will demand
a mini-cassette player in his helmet. Holds the record for the number
of "You
knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his
complete
name.
Cletis Quentious Jenkins: 6'2", 190, Running Back Set state scoring
record
out of Melrose High, Charlotte, NC. Also led the state in
burglaries, but
has only six convictions. Has been clocked in the 40 at 4.2 seconds
with a
25" TV under his arm.
Roosevelt "Dude" Danzell: 6'1", 185, Running Back Home town, West
Memphis,
Ark. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams fairly well.
Before
he signs a letter of intent, he wants Clemson to change uniform colors
to
chartreuse and pink. Lists church preference as "Red Brick."
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6'8", 275, Tackle
Third generation welfare family. At 19, he is the oldest of 14
children.
Mother indicates Woodrow and child #9, Leotis, may have the same
father. Has
manslaughter trial pending but feels confident of being found
innocent. Says,
"The bum say somethin' bad 'bout my momma." On Clemson entrance form,
lists
IQ as 20-20.
Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 175, Quarterback Born on an Amtrak
train
near Chicago. Birth certificate indicates he's now 26-years old.
Thinks the
"N" on Nebraska's helmet stands for "Nowledge," but still meets
Clemson
stringent academic requirements. Insists on wearing jersey #12. It
matches
his score on SAT.
Tyrone "Python" Peeples: 6'10", 180, Wide Receiver Home town Cuero,
Texas.
Has pending paternity suit, but hopes none of the other five will
file charges.
Tyrone has already signed six letters of intent, but also willing to
sign with
Clemson. Likes white women and Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the
Mexican
phone company.
Abdul Aba Ali: 6'8", 245, Guard
Played high school ball at Houston Yates under name of Leroy Jones.
Thinks
Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jackson, Miss. Does not know
the
meaning of the word "fear". Does not know the meaning of a lot of
other words,
either.
The Clemson coach, in front of a stadium-full of loyal fans at Death
Valley, asked a top academic player to demonstrate his prowess. "Tell
our fans what 8 plus 1 equals," said the coach. The Tiger player
scratched
his head, "ummed" and "uhhed", and said "Nine." Seventy thousand
Farmer fans
sat stunned for a minute. Then, in unison, the grandstand called out,
"Try
again!"
LEARNING TO SPELL WITH DOCTOR "DARNELL" FROM CLEMPSON:
This is "Learning to Spell with Darnell." I be Darnell Jackson, and
today we is gonna spell da word (pick one on the list)_ _ _ _ _ _.
Spell
it wit me now: _ _ _ _ _ _ _. Now let's be using it in a sentence.
Anus: "The policeman told me and my friend Jerome they be
looking for the two guys that held up the liquor store
and we said---anus."
Afford: "I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but then had to settle for
afford.
Assert: "On the way home from work, I always take assert so my
old lady don't smell liquor on my breath."
Bagdad: "I always wondered what was in the Bagdad use to drink
out
of when he was sitting on the front porch."
Battery: "The coach told my cousin Reggie he better start
swinging
the battery won't be in the line up tomorrow."
Beware: "I asked the man at the employment office, is this
beware
I find me a job?"
Two male engineering students at Clemson meet each other on campus.
One says to the other "Hi Bill, Where did you get that new bike?"
Bill replys "Well, I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty
co-ed rode up, jumped off her bike, took off all her clothes and said
'You can have anything you want!'"
"Good idea", Bill's friend replied. "Her clothes probably wouldn't
have fit you anyway."
Clem has a half-brother, Gordon, who is about five years old. One
Sunday
after church, they were visiting with their pastor. The pastor asked
the boy, "Gordon, when you grow up, do you want to go to Clemson like
your
brother?"
Gordon answered, "No sir. I want to go to college."
Years ago when Clemson and Carolina played only in Columbia during
fair week
in what was called Big Thursday, the games was played with more
intensity.
Fan spirits would run high. The Clemson fans would throw firecrackers
at
the Gamecock fans and the Carolina fans would light them and throw
them
back.
There were these two Clemson fellows on the beach. One of them saw a
beautiful blond looking at him. She smiled at him, so he turned to
his
buddy and said, "There's this girl smiling at me, what should I do?"
His
friend said, "Well, smile back at her." He did this, and then she
winked
at him. He once again asked his friend what to do, and was told,
"Well,
wink back at her. "He did this, then she took her bikini top off,
exposing her large breasts. He asked his friend what to do now, who
replied, "Show her your nuts." So the Farmer stuck his fingers in his
ears turned cross-eyed, and yelled, "Blubba blubba booo!"
Newlyweds just graduated from Clemson, and were driving from Clemson
to
Anderson where they had a honeymoon suite reserved in a hotel. On the
way,
Clem puts his hand on Becky Sue's knee.
"Oh, honey," Becky Sue says in a husky voice, "We're married now.
You can go
farther than that."
So he drove to Atlanta.
CLEMP PLAYS GOLF:
Two Clemson students teed off on a par three and they could only see
the
top half of the flag due to a rise in the fairway. They couldn't
see the green at all.
The first ball sailed right for the pin and and dropped
behind the rise, out of sight.
The second ball followed exactly the same path.
Well... the farmers were excited and ran to the top if the rise.
They could only see one ball only 2 inches from the hole and
the other ball was nowhere to be seen.
They ran up to the hole and saw one ball was actually in the hole -
A hole-in-one !
However they started arguing loudly when they discovered they were
both hitting a Top Flite number 4.
After the arguement continued for 25 minutes and play was held up
considerably, the course marshall came up to the green to get things
moving.
He asked what the problem was and when the farmers explained that
they both hit the same numbered ball and only one went in the hole,
the marshall said, " I think I can resolve this problem fairly
quickly."
Then the marshall asked, "Who is hitting the orange ball?"
ARMY RANGER MEETS CLEM
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana
and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way,
but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get
my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a
couple of Clemson fellows who were in here earlier saying the same
thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours
later
came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those
must be the two Farmers the guy in town was talking about."
Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly
underwater towards one of the Farmers . Just as the gator was about to
attack, the Farmer grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it
to
death with very little effort.
Then bothClemson boys dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.
Laying
nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of them then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any
shoes either!"
Clemson Techno Talk:
1. LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin' the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin' to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whutcha did to the hay fields.
16. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
17. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
18. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
19. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
20. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
Once there was a Farmer who took his wife with him wherever he
went so that
he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Clem and Bubba went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back
with only three fish,
and Clem says,
The way I figger it, Bubba, each of them fish cost us $400.
Well. At dat price it's a good thing we didn't catch any more
of em than we did.
So Daisy Mae was competing in the Clemson Alumnae Swim Meet and
she came in in last
place in the hundred-yard breast stroke and she said to the
judges "Oh say, I don't
want to complain, but I tink those other two girls were using
der arms"!
So, Clem --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For
Sale." But you don't own a
boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your
combine.
Yup, and they're boat for sale.
Hello? Funeral home?
Yes?
It's Clem. My wife Daisy Mae died.
Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to
pick up the body.
Where do you live?
At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
Can you spell that for me?
How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up
der?