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These are from a book called
Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and
Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia
gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways
does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can
you give us an example of something you
forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first
thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He s aid, "Where
am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that
upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if
your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son,
the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present
when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: You're kidding me,
right!?
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ATTORNEY: She had three children,
is that correct?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any
girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in
me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first
marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death
was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death
do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe
the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium
height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male
or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance
here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how
I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many
of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies
are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified
to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified
to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses
MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the
time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started
around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton
was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting
on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't
it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually
pass the bar exam?
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--- And the best for last:
---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for
blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for
breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is
possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be
so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain
was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could
the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible
that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
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