Five Regrets of the Dying

[Arif Vakil]

Lot of truths in this piece.  I keep revisiting it to remind myself of it.  

Have a look and see if you're on track to have minimum of the below regrets.

- Arif

Five Regrets of the Dying

By Bronnie Ware Platinum Quality Author

 

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had

gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them

for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

 

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned

never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were

phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial,

fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single

patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

 

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do

differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most

common five:

 

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life

others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life

is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many

dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half

of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had

made, or not made.

 

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along

the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health

brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

 

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their

children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this

regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female

patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted

spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

 

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it

is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating

more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new

opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

 

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As

a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they

were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the

bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

 

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may

initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the

end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either

that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way,

you win.

 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until

their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many

had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden

friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not

giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses

their friends when they are dying.

 

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip.  But

when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life

fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if

possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for

them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they

love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task.

It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that

remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

 

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that

happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The

so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well

as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and

to themselves, that they were content.  When deep within, they longed to

laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

 

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from

your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before

you are dying.