Re: APV: Re: Re: gay parents

[Schl...@aol.com]

In a message dated 9/12/2004 11:13:48 AM Eastern Daylight Time, vie...@comcast.net writes:

Susan,

 

I think there are two issues here. One is the issue of discrimination in this country, which is real and which calls for us to speak out, challenge bias when we see it, act as allies to targeted groups, etc. I am very clear on that responsibility, and it is an ongoing work in progress for me. I learn every day, from getting it right and getting wrong.

 

The other issue which is more complicated to me is the responsibility we have when we choose to become adoptive parents. It becomes so much more than just about me, about what I want or need, even when it seems to be a matter of my own choice and identity.... I believe I have to be willing to sometimes think of the greater good for all, including the kids in VN who will greatly benefit from being adopted by future gay/lesbian parents.

 

i think that really flies in the face of the very individualistic American notion of individual rights. But I think that joining the collective of adoptive families carries with it a responsibility to think beyond just myself... because every choice I make, whether while I am in country, or the choice I make to send my annual report (or not), etc. has the potential to impact many others.

 

And I think there is vast difference between talking about it, living with your family, being "out", and publishing something in the press. I guess my take is I would rather support the right of gays/lesbians to become parents and adopt, but appeal to the sense of collective responsibility that *all* adoptive parents share as to how a decision to discuss their family in the press might impact other families and other children in VN.

 

thanks

maureen in chicago

mom to Lia, 3.5 from VN

 

Maureen, I appreciate your thoughtful post. There are indeed a number of issues.

 

Personally, I have never responded to requests to talk about "gay families adopting". First, I am aware of the problems that it night cause for other families adopting. Second, like many other lesbians, there are many aspects of my personality than my sexual orientation.

 

However, one of the truisms about being a lesbian, is that it's very important to be as out as you are able to be. Discrimination and bigotry wavers when people discover that their neighbors, friends, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, friends, teachers, etc. etc. are lesbians and gay men. The studies show that people who personally know someone are much less likely to be bigots or to discriminate.

 

Also,  like Dr. Aaronson (in a small way) I was fairly prominent in my small community. I have been in the press many times. As a director of a major non-profit organization, I chose to be mostly private about my life. Eventually, however, I did refer to my partner in several news stories.

 

Now I have two children, and being closeted would be very difficult. I've known people who've done it. However, I don't know how I would do it with the kids.

Do you tell them to deny one of their parents? To make believe their family is different than what it really is?

 

Of course that's what parents who adopted children often used to do -- lie to their children about their birth families, and about the fact that they were adopted.

 

One of the problems is when you are in the press, and the press asks about your family. What happens if I don't mention my partner, and my son (who is very precocious) reads it and asks me why? What happens when the PTA features your family? Or when the local newspaper does a story on one of your kids? (has happened twice already to us). Do you lie? How do you tell your children when to tell the truth and to whom? What effect does this have on your children?

 

(We also made the decision to be absolutely truthful throughout our adoption process. We lied to no one. Our adoption agency knew about our family. We broke no laws. We were extremely careful because we did not want an invalidated adoption.)

 

One of the problems I had with the initial post that so criticized Dr. Aaronson was that we don't really know how the press came upon the information, if she asked to be off the record, or what.  Also, you never really know what actually adversely affects adoption. I was told by many that I should not discuss my life as an anti-war protestor, and my activities against the Vietnam War because the Vietnamese government wouldn't like it. (That never made sense to me --more likely OUR government wouldn't like it.)

 

Being out is a very personal and individual decision. And it's not really under our control....many people are "outed" by others, by gossip, or by innocent discussion among friends.

 

In response to those who talk about respecting others' cultures..I respect the Vietnamese people (who I have found btw to be much less homophobic than many Americans), and their culture.

 

However, I don't respect things that are morally wrong and unjust. Clitorodectomies, and honor killings are wrong. Beating women who want to go to school are wrong. Domestic violence is wrong. I have heard these practices defended -- in all seriousness -- as part of someone else's culture.

 

I am certainly not interested in protesting Vietnamese "laws" -- particularly as there isn't one about same gender adoption.

 

I have other fish to fry. When I have time to stand up for lesbian and gay rights, I do it in Michigan, which has a long way to go....

 

Right now, I have to end this post. First, it's my kids birthday. Tomorrow, my son has to bring in a poster board all about his life, and I have to figure out what to do for dinner, and wrap his presents for tomorrow, and finish the neverending laundry......

 

So sorry if this is disjointed.

 

Susan, mother

 

 

 

[Othel...@aol.com]

Sorry for the delay in responding as I have been on travel again for the past few days. I have no first hand information, but have talked to people (most who have had discussions with their agencies, a couple who have some contacts with VN official, primarily orphanage personnel) that have been lead to believe that a mandated statement of the type required in China that single parent attests to (signs) that he/she is not a homosexual has been on the table for discussion. I have heard nothing to the effect that single parents would be restricted beyond that.

Craig - Dad to Sang, Vung Tau