Punny stuff

[Muralidhar Nagaraj]

PUNNY STUFF

 

·        A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

·        A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

·        A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

·        A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

·        A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

·        A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.  A brother is frying chips.  “Are you the friar” he asks.  “No.  I'm the chip monk,” he replies.

·        A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

·        A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

·        A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

·        A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

·        A prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period.  It marks the end of his sentence.

·        A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

·        A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

·        A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  Later, when his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said 'No change yet'.

·        Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

·        Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

·        Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

·        Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

·        Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

·        Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He's all right now.

·        Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

·        Every calendar's days are numbered.

·        He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

·        He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

·        I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

·        I did a theatrical performance about puns.  Really it was just a play on words.

·        I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

·        I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

·        I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it..

·        I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store.  I heard I could get thinner there.

·        I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

·        I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

·        I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

·        I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

·        If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

·        I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  It's impossible to put down.

·        In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes.

·        It's not that the man did not know how to juggle; he just didn't have the balls to do it.

·        It's raining cats and dogs.  Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

·        John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

·        Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

·        Local Area Network in Australia – LAN down under.

·        My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

·        Need an ark to save two of every animal?  I noah guy.

·        No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

·        Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

·        Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

·        Police were called to a Day Care Centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

·        Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

·        Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

·        Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

·        She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

·        She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

·        Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.

·        Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

·        Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

·        The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

·        The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

·        The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

·        The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

·        There was a sign on the lawn at a Drug Rehab Centre that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

·        There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

·        Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

·        To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

·        Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

·        Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighbourhood and one of them was a-salted.

·        Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

·        What did the grape say when it got stepped on?  Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

·        What's the definition of a will?  It's a dead give-away.

·        When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

·        When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

·        When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

·        When William joined the army he disliked the phrase “fire at will.”

·        With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

·        Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring.  The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

·        You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.